5 years

The darker the night, the brighter the stars, the deeper the grief, the closer is God…

Fyoder Dostoevsky

I often wondered how I might feel as this date approaches. 5 years. 5 long years. 5 years since God decided it was time for one of his gifts to come back to Him. I had thought prior to this part of our journey, that I would not be able to physically bear the loss. But I have survived. We have survived through God and his strength alone.

It’s hard to know how and when grief will present itself again and crush you into a crumbled heap reliving the nightmare that never ends. I have not cried as I did on a daily basis for quite sometime, until today. It feels only natural to go back through the detail of the memories of the event and the days surrounding it.

One day our life was normal. We walked along together.

Then grief came and we experienced death and our lives were overturned, upset forever.

I was always one who stayed as far away from death as possible. I thought people who took pictures of death were the oddest creatures alive. (deceased in casket etc) But on this side of death and grief, it looks different. And though the pictures were the hardest to look at for the first while, they are strangely comforting now. **warning: stop reading here if you are like I used to be…pics to follow. Several different persons took the photos in this blog. Evonda Marner, Janice Marner, Shawna Riche, Alaynna Schwartz, Natalie Yutzy….

This is the hardest to look at. I can still feel deeply the inability to breathe. I can remember the people around and family and friends singing “Safe In the Arms of Jesus” as the last machine was unplugged. How quickly her little body grew stiff, is a sensation I wish I could erase. And then we had to sign the hundreds of papers ok-ing donation of her eyes, her tissue, which never happened due to infection. Janice stayed with her as she got cleaned up and got all the wires taken off. Then it was time for final goodbyes before she was taken for autopsy.

Then there was the walk from the hospital to our van. I kept feeling lost. So lost. I only had 3 children with me and I often said that feeling is like stepping out the door and realizing you have no clothes on or leaving for town and forgetting your purse….

Funeral planning. Ahhh that part. It’s not natural. Children plan their parent’s funeral. Not vice versa. It’s seriously the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Thankfully Janice and friend Karma did a lot of thinking and planning for us. Thinking about capturing her memory added a lot of flavors to the week and to the actual funeral service. Pink and red toe nails, bare feet, minnie mouse and tidbits from Frozen brought bits of reprieve to the nonstop tears. And the friends and family who came from everywhere. Though my memory is a bit clouded the beauty of the love and care we were surrounded with shown through the pictures is a tribute to family and friends.

The autopsy drug out the time and made us wait several days for the funeral. My 93 year old old order amish grandfather insisted on coming which was so special. He and his sister Rachel were among the few left from their generation. We saw well over a thousand people at the visitation, which took it’s toll on my body and I remember little of the later hours, except my uncle Ira telling people to move aside so they could wheel me out in a wheel chair because the world was spinning and black.

• 

Then it was time for the funeral and the longest, hardest walk no mama should ever have to take.

Some of us sat barefoot for the service. Someone brought a recliner in for Grandpa.

The service was filled with special tributes including my brother and sister’s beautiful rendition of Jesus Loves me. Not sure how to put it in here correctly but click on link to here it….

https://www.facebook.com/dorothy.miller.142/videos/vb.1751572627/4338775884869/?type=3

Then it was time to say our final goodbyes.

We ended the day with the release of a bunch of red balloons.

Life has gone on. God has walked with us. With each passing day we are adapting to our new normal forever remembering the zesty 3 almost 4 year old who will forever be a part of our favorite memories.

Abby Marie 9/14/10 ~ 7/15/14