Category: grief

What Grief Is Not

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As the ebb and flow of my own personal grief continues, I remain astounded at the fragile sometimes painful ties that bind my heart to others who grieve. 

Conversations especially with other mamas who have lost often turn to what might be our own triggers for the resurfacing of what we thought was done like the way even driving past the giant University of Iowa hospital inevitably brings a fresh inability to breathe.  It doesn’t ever feel silly to express. In those moments each of us is completely understood.

Today for my husband’s hand surgery, we actually parked in the same spot in the endless parking garage where our van had been parked when we had to leave the hospital without her. I remember walking out holding my children’s hands, feeling like I was naked or like I must have forgotten my purse.  

Also noted is the keen awareness of loss when someone we know is experiencing trauma or shattering loss. My sweet friend Gloria, who I have actually not met in person, is living that as I type. She was a faithful prayer warrior as Abby lay connected to tubes and wires. She has checked in on me despite the miles since.  Now her young adult son is fighting for his very life as the result of a tragic accident in snowy Indiana weather over New Years. (prayers appreciated for her son, Collin) Watching her story from afar, rips the band aid off of my own grief and brings remembering the emotions and moments of our own story to the forefront.

Living through tragedy is an unwanted connection with people you may not have even noticed prior. It has often been a lifeline, a blessing in disguise but is not something one would wish on one’s worst enemy. 

Dusting off these emotional boxes of stuff I wish could just vanish, brings to mind things I have indeed learned through the process. People often ask me how to reach out when someone has lost or is living tragedy. While I wish there were a pat answer that would work across the board, there is not. Each of us is uniquely created by God not only physically, but emotionally so what may be helpful to me may mean next to nothing to some one else with similar circumstance. 

Recent conversation has once again freshened some things that remain at the top of the list that I share when someone really wants to know how to best reach out to others who hurt.  

#2. Grief is NOT a time for judgement.  

This is a tough one to navigate. Life has consequences. If my choices include over indulgence in smoking or drinking, my physical body may live out consequences like liver damage. If I choose to be morally “loose” with sexual standards, I may reap the consequence of a sexually transmitted disease. Overeating may result in diabetes or other weight related issues. The list could go on. 

While I do believe that our Creator God is just and as he says in his word we will reap what we sow, I do not believe that it is ever appropriate for us mere mortal humans to judge other humans on these issues especially when that other human has just experienced tremendous loss. 

I do not have the answers as to why Abby had to die at 3 years of age, but I still cringe at the quiet whispers of how it was most likely God’s judgement for our earlier marital separation and my wicked and rebellious spirit. 

I also know my sweet friend’s choice to allow her young adult son to attend a secular university was not the reason for his early demise as a result of nasty cancer. 

Yes, people actually do say these kinds of things. Well meaning or not, they are not words necessary in times such as these!

If you have “judgements” that just must be stated, hide yourself in your closet and talk to God about them! Don’t share them with others and most definitely please have mercy on the hearts of the grieving and don’t break their already fragile hearts into more pieces. 

Judgement is God’s job and HIS alone!

#1. Grief is NOT a time to expect normal.

Patsy Clairmont says it best. “Normal is just a setting on your dryer…”

Nothing will ever be normal after you have lost. 

This can be best explained when we look at those who have lost limbs. Yes, a prosthesis can be helpful! But that arm, leg or those teeth are still never going to be the same and will be daily reminders of what used to be. To expect someone to pop back to their old self is unfair and adds unwarranted punishment to the stress of continual grief. Part of our heart is gone. Life won’t ever be normal.

Grief is a time for you to muster all the care and kindness your soul has to offer and asking God for more when you start to feel emptied out .  It is checking in on folks in the weeks and months that follow, not just the day of the funeral. Pray. Take a favorite meal.  Send a plant. Write a meaningful letter that is not full of cliche things like Heaven got another angel or All things work together for good…It’s ok to say that you don’t know what to say. Let them know you care then watch for ways to be Jesus with skin on.

Most of all truly seek God’s heart on how you can minister best to those who are closest to your corner of the world!

A Spoonful of Comfort

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Today my precious baby should be turning 11. Instead we are in year 7 of her living in Heaven.

Grief has not been gracious to me pound wise. This year, I have taken some drastic steps to change my habits and hopefully my thought process in the kitchen, which has always been a haven to me in different seasons both grief and joy filled. While food is the center of so much, I am finding a new found zest seeing how yummy healthier can actually be!

While learning to turn to God for comfort instead of food, I can’t help but believe that he doesn’t condemn us for enjoying the beauty in the gifts he surrounds us with. I can’t imagine that He wouldn’t enjoy the tastes and smells of a ripe juicy peach or the smell of coffee brewing. After all He is the one who created us with emotions and the responses to them.

Recently I stumbled across a delicious peace crisp that I have been experimenting with. While I am still perfecting it, I found it to yummy to not share. It’s warm fall-ish smells filled my kitchen as it baked and did not disappoint when I scooped the first spoonful into my bowl. I was delighted to see the combination of ingredients contained very little sugar content and is happily gluten free. The nutty crumbly topping is my favorite.

A few things to remember if you try this recipe….

I have tried it with apples and it is equally delightful! Frozen peaches can be used though the end product is more runny. It is best when used exactly as written and with fresh peaches however today I tried maple syrup instead of the brown sugar and while it definitely doesn’t seem to brown as nicely it was still quite amazing.

Without further ado, here is the recipe!

6 peaches

1/3 c honey

2 T. cornstarch

1 t. vanilla

1/2 t cinnamon

Slice peaches and combine all items together in a 9×9 pan.

Topping:

1 c oats

1/2 c almond flour

1/3 c chopped nuts (I use pecans)

1/3 c brown sugar

1 t ginger

1/4 t salt

4 T softened butter

3 1/2 T greek yogurt

Bake at 350 for 35 min OR until crumbs are lightly browned.

Enjoy with a glass of milk or a scoop of Greek yogurt.

Blessed Are Those Who Mourn…

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“You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  Psalm 56:8”

Pastor Steve read from Matthew 5 in his latest sermon. I have heard the Beatitudes read probably a million times in my lifetime. Never did verse 4 jump out to me like it did in this moment.  “Blessed are those who mourn…”

Blessed?  You’ve got to be kidding me!

Mourning is not particularly pleasant. 

Recently a caring friend asked me about how I felt about a certain aspect of grief. We talked about timetables for grief. We chatted about those we knew and how they grieve.  I find for myself that grief has been most unpredictable. Trying to find a place for her picture on my new walls has presented a challenge I could not have foreseen. But that’s grief.

As I sat re-reading the Matthew verse, I thought about how many times I’ve tried to imagine how my life would be without my daughter’s untimely passing.  While I feel like I have adjusted and am doing ok with the life altering loss, it still touches life in some way, almost daily.  Sometimes I don’t even realize how it slips its way in. 

I have had to come to grips with it (grief) entangling itself in what I say every single time I write.  I’ve wished it not to be so.  But it is. I have come to the conclusion that if my writing is truly a God calling, then apparently what I feel as I write must be the current message HE wants me to share in this place and time. And I have come to realize that it may not be for anyone else maybe, but simply for my own healing and wholeness. 


The rest of that Matthew 5 verse is so so precious.  “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. “  It doesn’t say might or may, it says will! To me that is all the comfort I really need – the promise of the hope of a brighter tomorrow.  If not here, over there with the blessed comforter Himself!

Letting Go

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It feels sooo good to write again!

So much has happened since I was last here. I was blessed with the gift of nearly full time employment which in combination with building our home, homeschooling my son and just being wife and mom, has put a crimp on my personal leisure time. But some thoughts have been rolling around in my brain that I need to vocalize, so here I am.

I’ve been big on the phrase “hold it lightly”. It seems there’s very little in life we can truly control though if you’re like me you’d really like to think otherwise.

A few months before Abby died I went through a process of surrendering her to whatever God had. The process was grueling and intense and yet brought peace. Little did I know the unfathomable pain I would walk through a few short months later. I remember holding her cold, lifeless body screaming out to God for his help and mercy. Even as the flight medics worked on her, I had a quiet peace and a complete understanding that she was indeed with Jesus already and that medicine though so advanced was not to be her path. Realizing that over the nightmare of the next 21 hours was surreal.

I’ve really struggled since, understanding surrendering to God’s will. Fear has had it’s ugly grip on my heart causing me to shrink away into my reclusive corner whenever I’m faced with the reality of the frailty of life. I’ve wondered if vocalizing what scares me is an invitation of sorts for the inevitable to plague me. Like yesterday. My husband made a comment about his health. Instantly my heart went into panic mode. I couldn’t possibly go on without him. The house isn’t finished yet. The kids are still reeling from the traumatic death of their sibling. I want to grow old with him….. So many of the same thoughts that had crossed my mind in my process of surrendering Abby made their way to the forefront of the battle in my head. I couldn’t breathe.

Then, though not audibly, I heard God whisper, “Dorothy do you trust me with Lowell? He’s not really yours anyhow. He’s mine…”

Surrendering those we love or anything dear to us for that matter, is not an easy feat. Realizing however that everything and everyone we hold dear really does belong to God makes the exhausting process a teeny bit easier.

An ode to my love…

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Time keeps going, this we know from that place we stood so long ago.

We thought we knew what love was about. So young we were but our love was stout.

After the wedding, living began. We moved across the ocean then back again.

We didn’t know what each day would bring, but God has been faithful through everything.

Adventures we’ve had. Placed we’ve gone. We buried a child and yet life went on.

It wasn’t all roses, this is no lie. But Jesus changed all, his light’s in your eyes.

Life keeps moving at too fast a pace. The last few years have brought fresh new space.

If there’s one thing unchanging and true, if I could go back I’d still choose you!

Haiti – 1999

2014 – Soon after Jesus changed our lives


2019 – Our favorite place, the ocean

Goodness & Mercy

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Psalm 23:6   Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life…

As I sit reflecting on the last few years, my mind is drawn to the fact of it being the first week of May once again and my heart overflows with gratitude to God for his faithfulness. 

If you’ve known me for any length of time, you may remember hearing me continually prattle on about my barrage of health issues, surgeries, hospitalizations and long periods at home which is a trial in and of itself for this social bird.  

While I will probably always question grief’s affect on my body, I also acknowledge how amazingly God created us.  Sometimes we will not have answers to life’s tough questions (health issues, death, grief, loss…) on this side of eternity. 

As I entered 2017, I could not have imagined the journey of the next months and years. This exact time of May in 2018 found me hospitalized with mysterious symptoms that ended up being staph infection and an antibiotic resistant sinus infection that had gone septic. I remember slipping into a nearly unconscious state as my temperature skyrocketed.  All I wanted was cool for my burning head, but also warmth for the rest of me which was trembling with cold.  My words no longer came out even though my mind was actively trying to make them.   

I remember my friend Connie standing vigil at my bed, covering me with prayers.  

Those prayers, followed by her reassuring touch on my hand jolted me back to reality. My doctor, who did not make rounds at the hospital any longer, was there, out of breath from having dashed over from his office across town.  He has told me multiple times since how he thought I was gone.  It’s kinda scary to think about when you hear it that way. But, that’s God and his faithfulness protecting my very life for some reason.

My daughters brought a hairband and lipgloss to the hospital
Got to go home if i agreed to IV antibiotics!
Ended up on major meds, steroids and anitbiotics for over a year! So thankful for healing!

I’ve not always been sure about his plan, as my health has continued to be temperamental.  But as I’ve continued to cling to faith I have truly experienced his goodness and mercy time and time again. 

Fast forward to 2019 which once again found my still recovering self in undesirable health related circumstances.  Biopsies with unknown results, strange tumors, and the inability to continue the work I love, did not deter God from being faithful.  

I still stand in awe at how he used a new radiology tech to lead to the discovery of the tumor on my thyroid which had actually begun to, unbeknownst to me, affect my swallowing. I am thankful for his goodness in allowing the end results to be good.

In the current quarantine of 2020, He continues to show his goodness.  While my nature would normally tend towards fear, He has stayed close reassuring me with his presence and meeting all of our needs in sometimes unexpected ways.  It seems fear dominates daily life, especially on social media.  I ran a small experiment on myself recently and found my anxiety and depression levels much lower the days I stayed off of social media and abstained from watching the news.  

It’s not rocket science people! 

I love Ann’s reminders and clung to this when I wasn’t sure how life was going to end up!

God has gifted us with his word which admonishes us many times to not be afraid. 

And while each of us copes differently, I am thankful for encouragement from friends who help me focus on God’s daily goodness and mercy.  My hope and prayer is that I can portray his goodness and care to those around me! 

Psalm 23 

1 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

7 ways to help a grieving parent

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 Recently someone asked me if I had any advice on walking with a friend who had lost a child. While I do not profess to be an expert, I can share some things that have been helpful to us in our journey. 

**Please bear in mind these are my list.  Everyone else’s list will be unique to them. 

#7. Allow them to grieve on their own timetable. 

Sometimes we think grief follows certain steps and is then done.  Not true. Never hurry someone along in the journey.

#6. Show up with practical gifts.

 In the early weeks and months, comfort food is vital.  Take a freezer meal. Give a gift card to their favorite restaurant.  Offer to eat with them but give them the right to refuse. Offering to help with errands or to do lists is also a big one. My sweet friend Laura contacted my clients for me and brought deo and a change of clothes to the hospital.  Other friends cleaned the house and weeded the garden. 

#5. Remember this is not about you at all. 

While their loss may deeply affect you, it is theirs. Your need for things to be done a certain way for your own healing or closure does not trump their needs. EVER.  

#4. If they have other children,  love on them.

Often remaining children, in addition to being extremely traumatized may feel guilty at still being alive. Seeing them for who God created them to be and ministering to them in that way can be so life giving in the darkest time.  Take age appropriate gifts. Offer a day trip to the zoo or museum or offer to pay for the family to go. A sweet friend actually paid for our family to go on a “griefcation”, which was super meaningful to our whole family!

#3.  Don’t be afraid to be with them. 

Often people tend to shy away from people who are grieving out of the fear they will do or say the wrong things. Be sensitive to what they may be feeling and if you feel like you may have done or said something inappropriate, apologize and go on. But PLEASE keep showing up. 

#2.  Understand that your friend will never be the same. 

Loss of any kind, but especially the unnatural loss of a child, alters the course of life forever.  Comments like “I’m so glad to see the old you” can cause a load of unnecessary pain. 

#1.  Remember their person – especially birthdays and angel-versaries. 

While this may not be of the same importance to everyone who has lost, most people I’ve spoken to, appreciate others remembering. It may mean you put it as a repeat date in your google calendar.

Remembering is such a gift…

I’d love to hear from you!  What has been most helpful in the journey called grief?

Wrestling Alone

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“So Jacob was left alone and a man wrestled with him till daybreak.  Genesis 32:24 NIV”

We all know what it’s like to be alone. 

A spouse leaves.  A child dies. Friendships separate. A move happens. Pain sets in.  Grief, for what is lost, permeates the deepest crevices of our souls. 

We wonder if God has left too. 

When our 3 year old daughter died suddenly, my faith was shaken to the core.  Having been a Christian my whole life, I was shocked by the questions of unbelief and doubt that flitted through my mind.

One hot summer day, I sat weeping by her grave.  I looked up at the clear blue sky and asked God, if he existed, to show me that he and Heaven were real. In that grief stricken moment of feeling so lost and alone, I longed for simple reassurance that I would indeed see my daughter again, because at that instant, I really didn’t know. 

Through tears, my eyes focused on a wilted rose left from the delicate pink casket spray.  Someone had stuck its long stem into the dirt right where I sat. I began tugging gently on the ugly, dead stem.  Up, up it came. As the last part of brown cleared the clods of dirt, a tiny, fresh green leaf unfurled its beauty.  With heaving sobs, I realized the significance of God’s answer to me at that very second. He calmed my weary soul, sending his message through a single dead flower that wasn’t so dead after all.  

Jacob knew about being alone. 

He’d met God while on the run from Esau. He had zero family near, was unsure of his future, and had no place to sleep except a pile of stones he used as a pillow.  

Soon after, his life changed.  God’s blessing and abundance became evident.  Returning to his homeland meant facing fears of how Esau would respond. The night before the big reunion, Jacob heard Esau was headed his way with a band of 400 men.  He sent presents for Esau, his 4 wives, and his passel of youngins ahead, then stayed alone at the spot where, unbeknownst to him, he would meet God once more. All night he wrestled with what the Bible refers to as “a man”.  At daybreak, Jacob begged the man to bless him before he left. 

God did.  

Jacob named the place Peniel, saying “it is because I saw God face to face and yet my life was spared”. 

Through our ongoing grief, I have found odd comfort in wrestling with God.  After all, He created me, mind and intellect. He knows my questions before I ask them.  His shoulders are big enough to carry the weight of my inquiries. Sometimes He answers in colossal, magnificent ways. Other times he gently brings me face to face with seemingly insignificant, dead flowers.

Thankful for the Locusts

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So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the crawling locust, the consuming locust, and the chewing locust, my great army which I sent among you.  

You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied,  And praise the name of the Lord your God, Who has dealt wondrously with you;  And My people shall never be put to shame.  

Then you shall know that I am in the midst of Israel:  I am the Lord your God and there is no other. Joel 2:23-25 NKJV

I have always loved writing and began blogging as a means of recording “God sightings” in our family’s day to day moments. Those who know me well, know me as the hopelessly addicted to picture taking, post to social media freak.  I have always said that’s proof of the good times. 

After grief came, I wondered if the sun would ever shine again. Would good times grace our lives again?

We’d walked through infertility.   

Grief visited then too, but in a different way. 

I grieved what I perceived as wasted years.  

Afterall, didn’t God put the desire in me to be a mommy? 

Seasons changed.  

I always picture God giggling as He blessed us with 4 babies in 4 years. 

I was finally living the life I was destined for.  

His plan however was different than mine, when he called our Abby back to heaven unexpectedly after 3 short years here.     

My knowledge of grief was suddenly obsolete. 

I struggled with remembering God’s goodness when grief came.  From my point of view, the locust called grief destroyed all the joy we had known, leaving life bland, empty. 

As I have thought more in depth about the locusts, Job 2:10 kept coming to mind.  I love how it reads in the amplified Bible. “Shall we indeed accept only good from God and not also accept adversity and disaster?”  Job had just lost everything and I mean EVERYTHING, his home, his livestock, his crops, his kids.   Now Satan was attacking his physical body as well. His wife, bless her grieving heart, advised him to curse God and die.  (There’s a whole nother lesson for another day…) The verse ends with an admonition that still issues challenge for us thousands of years later.  “In all this Job did not sin with his lips.” 

He trusted that the God who had blessed him richly would take care of him during hardship and extreme adversity and loss. 

Same for me.

Despite my wrestling and many questions, God stayed close, constantly revealing himself as the faithful God he is.

Since then, my goal has been to make the best of messy, and to focus on God’s restoration of joy, even in our broken and to encourage others to do so also. 

Times & Seasons

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“And the God of all grace who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1 Peter 5:10 NIV”

Today is not only the start of a brand new day, but a brand new season for me. Through an extended period of illness for me, we made the decision as a family to put both our daughters into the public school. Having known nothing else but the homeschooling I have done for almost a decade, I feel a little lost when I get up in the morning, even though I still home school my 7th grade son.

As I look back on our journey, I see very clearly how God’s divine hand led us to and through the places we’ve been. I did not set out to home school. But after many years of infertility and also having worked as a teacher’s assistant I went gung ho into the process.

It was indeed the best yes for our family’s season as we grieved the sudden loss of Abby. Grief can not be hurried or placed on a time table. We were able to putter about and do what needed doing in that time.

Back to the present…I have always loved writing and for as long as I can remember have written. I come from a heritage of writers. My grandfather was a devout Amish man who from my earliest memories sat holed up in his office pecking away at a manual typewriter writing for the Family Life magazines he founded or the Amish newspaper, the Budget. As a young child I pondered how one could possibly spent all that time tucked away.

I get it now. It’s in my blood.

My uncle Ira is soon releasing his second book after his first called “Growing up Amish” became a New York Times best seller. Along the way I’ve picked his brain and he’s always been super encouraging.

Both men are my inspiration.

Over the years, I have had much encouragement to write. As I have spent time exploring God’s call on my life, it has become apparent that writing may just be a piece of that puzzle.

Though I don’t yet know if me writing is for the greater good, or simply for my own healing and encouragement. I do know God has offered me the gifts of time, a support network, and a small platform where I can make my mark on my world, all gifts I can not refuse.

Our guest speaker at church yesterday, John Troyer, spoke directly into my vision. He talked of being plucky and asked us to raise our hands if we saw ourselves as that. Only one or two did. He then went on to explain that plucky is defined as “having or showing determined courage in the face of difficulties” I was to intimidated to raise my hand but after church my sweet husband questioned me about if I had raised my hand. At my reply, he stated quite abruptly that plucky defines me perfectly.

John explained how we are all pretty much created fully and completely average. Reassuring, isn’t it? But then we all have an assignment from God that is not limited by those around us. He finished by challenging us to remember that pluckiness keeps going and how each of us must allow God’s dream to be planted in us.

So, today, with my dream in hand I set out on a new adventure. It may seem a little scary and a whole lot intimidating, but I have a finished manuscript that has already passed several editing processes and just needs me to be brave enough to write an actual proposal, so I can get it published. I choose to embrace my new season with joyful anticipation because I know who’s with me.

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; Do not be discouraged….Deuteronomy 31:8”