As the ebb and flow of my own personal grief continues, I remain astounded at the fragile sometimes painful ties that bind my heart to others who grieve.
Conversations especially with other mamas who have lost often turn to what might be our own triggers for the resurfacing of what we thought was done like the way even driving past the giant University of Iowa hospital inevitably brings a fresh inability to breathe. It doesn’t ever feel silly to express. In those moments each of us is completely understood.
Today for my husband’s hand surgery, we actually parked in the same spot in the endless parking garage where our van had been parked when we had to leave the hospital without her. I remember walking out holding my children’s hands, feeling like I was naked or like I must have forgotten my purse.
Also noted is the keen awareness of loss when someone we know is experiencing trauma or shattering loss. My sweet friend Gloria, who I have actually not met in person, is living that as I type. She was a faithful prayer warrior as Abby lay connected to tubes and wires. She has checked in on me despite the miles since. Now her young adult son is fighting for his very life as the result of a tragic accident in snowy Indiana weather over New Years. (prayers appreciated for her son, Collin) Watching her story from afar, rips the band aid off of my own grief and brings remembering the emotions and moments of our own story to the forefront.
Living through tragedy is an unwanted connection with people you may not have even noticed prior. It has often been a lifeline, a blessing in disguise but is not something one would wish on one’s worst enemy.
Dusting off these emotional boxes of stuff I wish could just vanish, brings to mind things I have indeed learned through the process. People often ask me how to reach out when someone has lost or is living tragedy. While I wish there were a pat answer that would work across the board, there is not. Each of us is uniquely created by God not only physically, but emotionally so what may be helpful to me may mean next to nothing to some one else with similar circumstance.
Recent conversation has once again freshened some things that remain at the top of the list that I share when someone really wants to know how to best reach out to others who hurt.
#2. Grief is NOT a time for judgement.
This is a tough one to navigate. Life has consequences. If my choices include over indulgence in smoking or drinking, my physical body may live out consequences like liver damage. If I choose to be morally “loose” with sexual standards, I may reap the consequence of a sexually transmitted disease. Overeating may result in diabetes or other weight related issues. The list could go on.
While I do believe that our Creator God is just and as he says in his word we will reap what we sow, I do not believe that it is ever appropriate for us mere mortal humans to judge other humans on these issues especially when that other human has just experienced tremendous loss.
I do not have the answers as to why Abby had to die at 3 years of age, but I still cringe at the quiet whispers of how it was most likely God’s judgement for our earlier marital separation and my wicked and rebellious spirit.
I also know my sweet friend’s choice to allow her young adult son to attend a secular university was not the reason for his early demise as a result of nasty cancer.
Yes, people actually do say these kinds of things. Well meaning or not, they are not words necessary in times such as these!
If you have “judgements” that just must be stated, hide yourself in your closet and talk to God about them! Don’t share them with others and most definitely please have mercy on the hearts of the grieving and don’t break their already fragile hearts into more pieces.
Judgement is God’s job and HIS alone!
#1. Grief is NOT a time to expect normal.
Patsy Clairmont says it best. “Normal is just a setting on your dryer…”
Nothing will ever be normal after you have lost.
This can be best explained when we look at those who have lost limbs. Yes, a prosthesis can be helpful! But that arm, leg or those teeth are still never going to be the same and will be daily reminders of what used to be. To expect someone to pop back to their old self is unfair and adds unwarranted punishment to the stress of continual grief. Part of our heart is gone. Life won’t ever be normal.
Grief is a time for you to muster all the care and kindness your soul has to offer and asking God for more when you start to feel emptied out . It is checking in on folks in the weeks and months that follow, not just the day of the funeral. Pray. Take a favorite meal. Send a plant. Write a meaningful letter that is not full of cliche things like Heaven got another angel or All things work together for good…It’s ok to say that you don’t know what to say. Let them know you care then watch for ways to be Jesus with skin on.
Most of all truly seek God’s heart on how you can minister best to those who are closest to your corner of the world!