Recently someone asked me if I had any advice on walking with a friend who had lost a child. While I do not profess to be an expert, I can share some things that have been helpful to us in our journey.
**Please bear in mind these are my list. Everyone else’s list will be unique to them.
#7. Allow them to grieve on their own timetable.
Sometimes we think grief follows certain steps and is then done. Not true. Never hurry someone along in the journey.
#6. Show up with practical gifts.
In the early weeks and months, comfort food is vital. Take a freezer meal. Give a gift card to their favorite restaurant. Offer to eat with them but give them the right to refuse. Offering to help with errands or to do lists is also a big one. My sweet friend Laura contacted my clients for me and brought deo and a change of clothes to the hospital. Other friends cleaned the house and weeded the garden.
#5. Remember this is not about you at all.
While their loss may deeply affect you, it is theirs. Your need for things to be done a certain way for your own healing or closure does not trump their needs. EVER.
#4. If they have other children, love on them.
Often remaining children, in addition to being extremely traumatized may feel guilty at still being alive. Seeing them for who God created them to be and ministering to them in that way can be so life giving in the darkest time. Take age appropriate gifts. Offer a day trip to the zoo or museum or offer to pay for the family to go. A sweet friend actually paid for our family to go on a “griefcation”, which was super meaningful to our whole family!
#3. Don’t be afraid to be with them.
Often people tend to shy away from people who are grieving out of the fear they will do or say the wrong things. Be sensitive to what they may be feeling and if you feel like you may have done or said something inappropriate, apologize and go on. But PLEASE keep showing up.
#2. Understand that your friend will never be the same.
Loss of any kind, but especially the unnatural loss of a child, alters the course of life forever. Comments like “I’m so glad to see the old you” can cause a load of unnecessary pain.
#1. Remember their person – especially birthdays and angel-versaries.
While this may not be of the same importance to everyone who has lost, most people I’ve spoken to, appreciate others remembering. It may mean you put it as a repeat date in your google calendar.
Remembering is such a gift…
I’d love to hear from you! What has been most helpful in the journey called grief?