Today my sweet friend buries her mother.
As I sat and chatted with her a few weeks back, she shared how she had helped her mom pick out the dress and jewelry she would be buried in. As I stood at the casket admiring the sparkle of the fabric and the beauty of the necklace, my mind of course went back to another time and another casket and the thoughts of those moments swirling in my brain.
Each death I observe seems to have that jarring effect.
My mom lost her first sibling a few months back, a brother just younger then her. They were close. My siblings and I are close to his kids. Watching them grieve has made me think about life in that sobering, change your thinking kind of way. Again.
After Abby died, I thought for sure I would never slip back into my old complacency and the lack of living intentionally. Sadly, I all to easily find myself there.
I don’t know if I will ever come to the place where guilt does not plague the thoughts of my last moments with her.
I was busy, to busy to stop and enjoy the moments.
As much as I know guilt is not the place to live, I struggle with the muddle at that very thin line between feeling sadly and living in peace.
Relationships and life in general can be intense and exhausting. Watching my friend and my cousins cope with the reality of sickness and death has reminded me much how the effort of multiple weekend trips or the time for the phone call are to soon memories and the only tokens left of the life of someone who was a deep integral part of our very foundation.
As I wrote much on my facebook grief page, I often ended with “mamas, GO hug your babies”.
That hug, smile or kind words may be the last moments we get to share.
We don’t know.
We aren’t promised tomorrow.
All we have are the moments right in front of us right now.
For me that means putting down my device or the work I think will never end and listening to my sweet daughters who both still love to talk to me, sometimes incessantly. It means hugging my touch loving son multiple times a day. It’s about calling my own sweet mama for our daily chat.
It boils down to cherishing the good, the bad and the ugly and embracing a life of intentional love.