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Happy Birthday in Heaven

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Dear precious Abby
 4 years ago tonite I went in to labor on my due date with you which was a first for me.  Beings you were baby number 4 I figured I could just head in and pop you out.  How wrong I was.  You were my longest birthing process, almost 12 hours.  You were different from the very start and soon after you were born and I sat holding you I had this strange emotion come over me, just a fleeting thought but very real and scary. It was simply this, that I may not get to hold you for very many years. I wrote it off to hormones and didn’t think much more about it till that fateful night in the hospital on July 14 of this year (2 months before your birthday) when daddy told me he had the same premonition also.
You came into our lives at a spunky 7 lbs 11 oz (also Hunter’s birth weight) and took over the rule of the roost almost instantly.

You brought so much joy and like we have all talked about how God gave you to us for a brief time because He had a job for you to do.  Part of that job was bringing joy into our home that was scarred from daddy and my’s separation that had just ended right before I got pregnant with you.
You were strong and opinionated and a spitfire. You loved living and did everything you did with fervor and such joy.
Then all of a sudden your life was ended and you were gone.  We know Heaven is more beautiful with you there but we sure miss you here.  
We are on a special trip this week in honor of your birthday.  We are enjoying so many wonderful things and moments together as a family of 5 now.  
As we drove today, daddy and I cried as we listened to one of our new favorite songs that talks about how we feel and how homesick we are to come up to live with you and Jesus.
We are doing our best to go on living and sharing Jesus and his love with those we meet.
Just like our grieving the last 2 months is a place we have never been, we are literally in a place we have never been before – Kansas City. There are so many wonderful things here and I can only imagine your face and hear your oooing and ahhhing.
We are just taking our time and taking lots of pictures and making lots of memories as we never know how many more we will have the chance to make…

Kali, your never wear a dress sister found Elsa and Anna dresses while we were shopping and insisted we get them for her and Alexia.  They have worn them with pride all day and we talked of you.  At one of the places we stopped there was a huge Frozen display and we stopped and gazed and pointed and talked of which one you would have begged for.
We stopped in Kalona at the Amish bakery and got some fresh donuts to eat with our yummy Farmer’s Creamery chocolate milk.
When we actually got on the road Daddy convinced me to take the wheel so he could see what it was like to walk around.  I was terrified but managed to stay on the road.

It has been raining all week, and we were getting so tired of cloudy skies.  Today God gave us a special gift…Sunshine.

This is the life for me…
Kali taking her first selfie

I captured a rainbow in the background.  We so enjoyed this fountain at Crowne Center.

We ate at a delish little cafe called Crayola Cafe where everything featured was to do with crayons.
I was expecting artificially flavored and colored things and was pleasantly surprised to find hormone free beef, ground turkey and yummy sides like hummus and pita chips plus whole wheat buns that were specially yummy!
We sat a table for 6 and colored pictures of course.

We took a walk over to Union Station via a long walk way called the Link.
Daddy called this the waffle ceiling

Alexia saw this view and said “mama the city is sooo beautiful, we must take a picture”
The inside of Union Station is breathtaking.
We were bummed that there were events taking place  in both Crown Center and Union Station blocking off some of the things we wanted to see.

Waterfalls everywhere…
We got back to the campground just in time to get some more play in.

Hunter was very taken with the roller coasters in the distance.

Kali’s Sunday school class got her that Ripstic you all wanted and she is quite agile on it and does lots of tricks even in a skirt.
While everything is beautiful and we are enjoying our time together just relaxing, I catch myself dissolving into tears at just the slightest thought of you. 
I never imagined that we wouldn’t have you here with us to celebrate your birthday.
Nana and Aunt Rhoda planned a small party tonite in your honor.  They are going to release balloons and reminisce.  Nana Rhoda and Great Aunt Rachel are planning something similar for when we get to their house on Monday night. 
Your life taught me so much.  And now I am learning more about God and life and the reality of Heaven since your death.  Hardly a day passes that we don’t talk about coming there.
I love you Abby Marie and I know you will have the best birthday ever up there with Jesus.  I can just imagine how it would be to have the angels singing Happy Birthday to you…
Until we get there have fun dancing and twirling and know that we will come as soon as Jesus is ready for us.
I love you Abby Marie!  
Mama 

Peace

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Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the presence of God – unknown

How does one experience peace in the midst of complete chaos and the deepest pain one could fathom?
I used to question how one could remain calm and appear peaceable after having their life shattered by terrible tragedy or loss.
I am learning so much more about the large unseen presence that keeps one grounded when the current of constant tears, fears and doubts threaten to blow one away.
I can not explain it.
I am a worrier – always have been, probably always will be. I am constantly in a tizzy about life, especially when it comes to my babies.  Even though 7 weeks ago,  pure adrenalin carried me out to the cold cement where my daughter lay I did not feel terror as one might have expected. I felt an odd calm. Peace. I knew she was gone.  I knew Jesus had her.  Somehow that comforted me even though I cried out to him to please save her, meaning in my terms…please,  please let me have her for a while yet.
 He did what I asked, just not in my way.

Now before you go thinking I am all perfect and have it all together, let me put your mind at ease… be assured I do not. I still worry and fret and get really really angry (still working on that part big time!) and all that yucky stuff.
Since Abby left, my health for example has thrown some GIANT curve balls at me.  We have the flu at our house right now. I am one of the lucky recipients along with several of the others. That is no fun and I keep having giant pity parties for myself.  Why this now? Com-mon GOD!  Give me a break…
Another thing I wasn’t expecting at my physical a couple of weeks ago was to hear my doctor say I had a lump somewhere I wasn’t supposed to have one. My little cocoon of peace kind of exploded right then and there. My kidos just lost their baby sister.  Please God they really can’t lose their mommy….big worry…little or no peace.
I have been tempted to be quiet about this particular worry/fear because of it being more private in nature. I mean, lots of people have lumps that are nothing. Not everyone needs to know about mine. Ha! I can hear the sighs (ah that is so Dorothy-ish) and clicking of tongues as people ponder my insanity at blogging about things of such nature.  Mine is supposedly also nothing..we just have to watch it and wait. Does that make it any less frightening? Not exactly.
  But then as I ponder about how God has worked the most in me I see it is usually when I am “blunt” for Him, something that believe it or not is not always easy for this jabber mouth.
The evil one loves nothing more then for me to curl up in a corner and cower in fear.
 Fear, my friends, is the greatest enemy of peace. Sometimes I fear that because I am vocal I am a bigger target for the enemy. Makes sense right? hmmm?  He after all doesn’t like when we get the word out about the great God we serve. If there is one thing I keep learning though, it is simply the re-occuring phrase that keeps running through my mind…GOD IS BIGGER.
He is bigger then my fear.  He is bigger then the hole the size of Texas that has taken over my heart. He is bigger then the cancer my dear friends Jan and Danielle are battling. He is bigger then financial woes and wars and rumors of wars and obama care and all the other politically charged things around that strike fear and worry in many of our hears.
That, in and of itself, is why we can experience peace even when our circumstances are less then peaceful and far from perfect and when things do not go according to our plans.
He will carry us.  He is carrying me. He is the ability to put one foot in front of the other, the strength to get back to work.  He is joy in the small details like figuring out what we want to do on our vacation.  He is provision of prayer warriors, who like one of my favorite stories in the old testament, (Exodus 17-  Aaron and Hur held up Moses’ arms when he was to tired and weak and the battle was won) lift my family and I up when we are to weak to pray on our own. He is being able to face each new day and remember that even though it is still so dark and ugly and painful to open our eyes, each moment of each day is truly a gift from HIM.
He is and will always and forever be Peace.

Thank you….

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I am using this format as a means to say THANK YOU from the bottoms of our hearts.  You all have been and continue to be such a huge strength in our journey of grief. 

It has been 3 weeks now that Abby officially went to live with Jesus. You all have been so faithful in cooking meals, cleaning our toilets, cleaning our flowerbeds, washing our dishes, feeding hundreds in the various meals and filling our freezers, staying the night with us, bringing us Panera bread and treats for the kids, and the list could go on for pages…
My dear family started a Go Fund me page that has helped us tremendously with the expense of death and has enabled me to take some time off of work to spend figuring out our new normal.
Pretty much daily we get cards and notes and checks and gift cards.  The children are always delighted when they get mail in their names.
Some of you have been asking for the links to several pages we are associated with.
The first is our Grieving for Abby Facebook page.  On it I share day to day prayer needs and how we are processing our grief.  If you want to be a part of that group you will need to ask to join.  https://www.facebook.com/groups/663096610434067/
Here is the You tube tribute created by my friend Regina Yoder.  We played it during the funeral. I am hoping to get the tribute from the viewing soon also.
Abby Marie Miller ~ Gone but not forgotten…..

Process

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July 14, 2014 will forever be marked down in our history as the day that changed everything – literally.
It marked a new process, one that has so dramatically turned our world upside down.
Some days I feel lost.  I wonder around feeling like I should be doing something but find the what to be evasive.
Some days I feel angry.  If God is a God of love then why must He dish out a pain so deep it threatens our very existence?  And why couldn’t he take someone who was old and had lived their life or at least taken someone who was not so loved?  I mean that makes sense right? So many people live in secluded alone-ness not knowing anyone who truly loves them.  We lavished love on Abby. She was our spark and kept laughter in our home. Why her?
Some days I feel nothing. I look into the mirror and the woman who stares back at me is just a shell with a vacant empty despair. I don’t know who she is. I can’t remember simple things like my passwords used to place orders or where I left my shoes. Then I feel like I am in a bad nightmare and that if I can just truly wake up then life will be right again and I won’t have a stuffy head from the constant weeping.
Some days I wonder how this process called grief really works.  “O it’s just a part of it” they say.  You’re reacting normally. What’s normal about grief? Absolutely nothing.  My list mindset goes absolutely bonkers – there is nothing I can check off except for the fact that I took another breath that maybe didn’t hurt quite as deeply as the one before.  I took another step by simply telling my feet exactly how they  need to work..one in front of the other.  Lowell works and it helps him cope. For me, I get irritated when  people tell me I should get on with life and get back to work so I don’t have to sit around and think about this all.  Quite frankly even the thought exhausts me.  I am tired all the time and can barely keep up with the necessary things of daily life.  It confuses me though.  My clients and work have always been a joy and something I look forward to. Maybe someday normal will reign again….
Some days as I wonder around the store trying to get my bearings together, I find myself pondering if everyone knows I am in the grief process?  Maybe I should wear a sign. I find myself crying as I tell total strangers how I just buried my baby.  Most are wonderful and I end up with hugs which help most days.
Some days I worry about my precious very alive children and how in the world I am ever going to help them “process” correctly when I can’t even “process” myself? Alexia hasn’t touched the barbie dolls and pollypockets her and Abby always played with daily.  She told me the other night “Mama, I just need Abby to come play barbie with me”.  Hunter seems to be ok most of the time but  recently told me that even tho I tell him it wasn’t his fault that he still thinks it is because Abby asked him for a floatie and he didn’t get it for her. Kali still can’t sleep in her bed because she shared it with Abby. Last night was the first time she didn’t cry herself to sleep in many nights.  Her usual question before she drifts off is “mama why can’t we just go to Heaven too?”  My main answer is usually “because God still has work for us here precious one”. In my heart,  I know He does but man, this grief stuff really stinks.
Some days I wonder about what is really important and what in the world God is trying to teach me. I have always avoided the subject of death, simply finding it to morbid and not really ever focusing on it. Since spring of this year, death, terminal illness and sadness seem to envelop my small existence. My Grandmother died and tho I know she hasn’t really “been here” over the last several year and the fact is that we actually celebrated the fact that she could go on, it is still the final page of a chapter of our lives.  Just a few weeks before Abby died, my dear friend Jan was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.  She has been a faithful prayer partner and friend. I know she is ready to see Jesus but I am irritated that it is her that has been chosen for the process. I need her yet. Why are the things most dear to me being taken away? Some days it makes me scared to love…
What ties this mumble jumble process together? God’s love. It’s as simple as that. He loved Abby so much that He knew she would be better off with him. And hey, with the condition of the world and all the dangers and evil it really seriously isn’t that bad of an idea.  Some days I question how He could really love us and allow this to happen to us. But He is showing love to us left here too. He has surrounded us with praying saints who have shared with us how they wake up in the middle of the night and can’t sleep and spend that time praying…for us! He takes care of physical needs in ways that blow our minds. He also blesses us with promises of hope and the reality of the fact that we can go to be with Abby.
Our life is not a series of meaningless events that make up our existence but is carefully orchestrated and planned by God to bring glory to His name.  I have always enjoyed writing and blogging but never really got anywhere with it specifically.  The past 2 weeks have increased traffic to my work in ways I never dreamed.  People who wouldn’t ordinarily have any connection have happened by over 50,000 times. It isn’t about me but about that work that God wants to do through Abby’s life and her death.  I have a platform to share Jesus and his love.  Even though some days I shake my fist at Him and scream why, I am truly awed and humbled that God chose me to be a part of the process.

Photo Journal of Abby’s funeral ~ Take 3 ~ July 19, 2014

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So my sweet artsy friend Alaynna Schwartz of Playlife Photography showed up tonite with her absolutely amazing photos of Abby’s funeral.  They represent so many special details of the day that said ABBY loud and clear. Each tells a story in a very personal way and leaves no need for captions. I am in love with the detail, expressions, lines, feet, people
So with our further ado…..here they are!  I hope you will enjoy seeing them as much as we did the first time.

I have no idea who this little cutie is?

the tribute brought laughter amidst the tears…

Even Uncle Steven had bare feet

Hunter insisted on opening Abby’s “lid” once more…I can still hear his words here
“bye bye Abby”

Abby’s little Sunday school classmates/friends 
Leah 
Maggie

The releasing of the balloons ~ symbolic in many ways

I can not say enough about my siblings…they literally did everything for me during the blur of horror
from telling me what to wear, to doing my hair and making sure I ate and drank to bossing the line along when I hyperventilated at the viewing….Love them so!

Celebrating Abby ~ a Photo Journal of her Funeral week events ~ July 19, 2014 (Group 2)

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I had so many wonderful photographers show up to help us remember the moments of Abby’s celebration.  Each one is taken from a bit of a different view point and each one has been equally special to us.
This grouping was taken by my dear friend, Natalie Yutzy.
She came to our home for our special perfect night of lantern lighting, an event especially for the young ones.  It was reminiscent of another movie favorite of Abby’s – Tangled where there were lanterns lit each year in memory of the lost princess. It was very symbolic to us as a family of us releasing her spirit heavenward.  Many family and friends gathered in our yard and we watched together and at the end sang “Safe in the Arms of Jesus”

She also captured our fabulous service committee and their helpers hard at work preparing the delicious meal which is one of my favorite (total comfort food) – fresh green beans and scalloped potatoes with ham.
Our church family is awesome!
The rest of these pretty much speak for themselves….
Thanks again for watching out for us Natalie! Love you!
During the service Hunter got all worried about not having Abby’s “lid” open again so the funeral directors opened the casket out at the graveyard for us to have one final peek….Good bye sweet one

Celebrating Abby ~ A photo journal of her funeral ~ July 19, 2014

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I always thought that people who took pictures of funerals and the deceased were a little disturbed until it was our turn to bury our precious Baby, Abby Marie.  She was taken away from us much to soon and all of a sudden everything in my sentimental nature decided to go against the grain and ask for some professional photographer friends of mine to preserve the moments we otherwise would probably not remember.
****  Be aware there are some photos here of her in her casket, so if that is to disturbing you may stop HERE.*****
The first series I am featuring were all taken by my dear friend, Shawna Riche.  (you rock my friend!  Love you!)
I have no idea but I have been told that well over a 1000 people attended the viewing which was held at our church on Friday, July 18.  Looking back it was much to long a time for our exhausted state and I literally hyperventilated towards the end.  Grief is exhausting and not anything you can expect to be any certain way. Our family is all responding differently. You will actually see some laughter among the tears.  If it weren’t for supernatural strength from our faithful God above who gifted us with Abby for a few short years, I have no idea how we would survive.

**FYI  – you can enlarge any of the photos by  clicking on them

we asked for blue skies…
The family photo that was to be this year’s Christmas card
Donate life pins and bracelets
The children were exhausted by this point and after some conversation we decided to let them pick and choose when they would be at the viewing
Our sweet friend Hannah coordinated events for all the children that did come 
Abby hated wearing shoes and also adored pretty nails so we invited people to come barefoot and with pretty toes in her honor
We cried as we watched the sweet tributes.  The one for the viewing was set to music from the movie Frozen
We decorated the area around her coffin
The lines stretched on endlessly…so many sweet friends blessing us with just being there!
Many precious hugs
My 92 year old Grandfather, David L. Wagler arrived early in the evening 
Precious cousins who I rarely see
My Great aunt Rachel Graber (Grandpa’s sister)
When Great aunt Rachel thought she was alone she went back in to see Abby. I have to wonder what was going thru her mind.  She told me several times thru the week how she too lost one about Abby’s age, her precious Leroy.
Sharing kisses with Abby’s little friend (and second cousin) Vidalia who she prayed for every night
My grandfather’s load stopped by the roadside to pick these beautiful lillies- 
Then it was the dreaded funeral day which dawned bright and clear just as we had prayed.
One of the hardest parts…gathering for one final moment with her.  We placed small silver hearts over her chest and touched her face one last time.
Grandma and aunt Dini say goodbye
Sleep tight my sweet one ~ Mama will come too as soon as she can…
Someone donated red balloons in Abby’s honor as red was her favorite color.  I have no idea how many, but there were gobs that kept the kidos happy before the service.
Then came the moment for the longest walk of my life…
The grief was almost more then I could fathom as I followed the small white casket down the aisle
It was a perfect service filled with beautiful congregational singing (She learned the old hymn “I am the vine and you are the Branches” at VBS this year and sang it pretty much every day since) and a duet by my Sister and Brother, Janice and Steven along with many special words and scriptures, a dvd tribute set to the song, Heaven got another angel tonite and some home movies of Abby reading and singing

                                        

So final…little white box with golden angels adorning the center and a plaque stating her birth and death
We gathered outside the tent for the balloon release.Since she always claimed to be 11 we started there and counted down to 0 before releasing.
Many more tears and hugs and family time and wondering how we will all go on from here.
I am truly comforted by the scripture that says “God will wipe all the tears from our eyes”
And tho we keep mentioning all the things we would gladly trade for just one more moment with her I am excited to know that her death is not the end but only the beginning of her eternity with the Giver of Life.
Having her in Heaven not only makes me long more then ever to go there myself, but also serves as a reminder of the fact that Jesus calls us all to live for Him so we can go to where she is.
I am looking forward to that day….

Abby

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Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning….The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord…..


I am not all that joyful right now. My eyes and my head hurt from crying so much. Thankfully I did sleep,  for 4 whole straight hours actually.  My mind is swirling with all the details of our suddenly upside down life. I can’t fathom that she’s really not here anymore. Our Abby.  No not really ours, she always has belonged to God and just as He gifted her to us for a few short years, He decided He needed her back.
She was our honeymoon baby, another sign of God’s redemptive work in our marriage that had fallen apart. We found out she was coming to join us on January 16, 2010 just a few hours before Lowell’s dad slipped into eternity. We were back together a mere month after an almost entire year of separation. I was overwhelmed at the time with the fact that I had 3 other children who were 3 years old and younger. She arrived on Sept 14 of that year and from the very start she was different. Our 3 older blessings topped the growth charts with their heights.  She was barely on the chart. As a matter of fact the little purple swimsuit she was wearing at the time of the accident was size 18 months and tho it was a little snug she wouldn’t wear the others I got for her. She was spunky from the start and more then made up for her tiny size with her massive personality. When she entered a room everyone knew it. She was a bundle of loud, darling, amazing energy.
We all kind of slept in on Monday morning as it was supposed to be a lazy day, one of my days off. I recently decided that due to the influx of clients I was seeing in my reflexology business, that I needed to schedule certain days and stick to them so I could focus on spending more time with my children.  I can not tell you how very glad I am that I made that decision and followed thru.  The last few weeks have been magical in that we did a lot of things together, moments I will indeed cherish forever and never forget.
Anyhow back to Monday.  We were all excited about Kendal and Maria’s wedding shower that evening and most of the day I was going to putter around getting ready.  The children hadn’t swam much this year yet as it has simply been to cold.  However, on Sunday Lowell helped them fill the stock tank that we used as a swimming pool and they spent most of the afternoon splashing and playing happily.  Mid morning on Monday they were all begging to go swimming again and I said they could.  I helped Abby into her little purple suit and sent her scurrying out the door, glancing briefly to see where the other were at.  They were all out there at the pool and I knew the splashing and giggles were already starting.  The thought crossed my mind that perhaps I should dash out after her and remind them that she was there but thought about all the training we had done and the habits they always carried out.  I quickly went to my office to finish some work I had started. I wasn’t there for but a brief few moments when the door opened and I figured some wet feet would soon be scampering across my clean floor so I called out to see who was there. No one answered but soon the door opened again and Lexi says the words that will forever haunt me – “mama come, Abby drowned in the pool” I flew out the door and raced across the gravel with my bare feet and could see as I ran that Kali and Hunter were pulling a very limp Abby out of the water. When I got to her, she was limp. Her eyes were fixed in a straight ahead stare and white foam was coming out of her mouth.  I grabbed her and screamed out to Jesus to please save my baby and raced to the porch. Kali ran ahead of me and brought me the phone. I dialed 911 and pleaded with the lady to please hurry, that my baby was dead. She walked me thru CPR which I knew but couldn’t think thru.  I finally remembered that I had speaker on my phone so I laid it down and continued working, following her instructions the best I could.  Kali brought me my cell phone as she had called Lowell who wanted to know what was going on.  I told him our baby was gone and to please come home quickly.  Suddenly there were people everywhere.  Air care landed out by the field. Friends and family were there and were holding me when my legs just didn’t think they could stand any longer. The next hours at the hospital were some of the longest in my life. She had not been breathing for long enough they told us she had severe brain injuries and probably wouldn’t pull thru but that only time would tell. They cleared a space on her bed for me and I laid there with her stroking her small face that was covered in wires and hoses.  When I couldn’t handle it anymore I would get up and leave the room and go chat with the many friends and family who were holding vigil in the family waiting area. Our pastors were all there.  Pastor Leon and his sweet Jean stayed all night with us.  Jean would stay right at Abby’s bedside rubbing her little legs and arms and any other place that wasn’t covered in wires.  My dear friend Karma took off of work and stayed too.  She was our valuable go between and with her vast medical experience was able to walk us thru a lot of the tough decisions like weather or not we wanted to gift any of her organs.  Many other friends who I can’t all name came and simply held me.  Laura brought me my clean clothes and would walk back and forth to the ICU with me and held me as I sobbed over Abby’s bed. She has a dear sweet 4 year old who was one of Abby’s dear friends. Then my family arrived.  Janice and Evonda came first. A few hours later my parents and Steven and Rhoda and my sweet precious nephew arrived.  With each new person that came, we would make the trek to the room where the horror of the events really became reality. We cried and prayed and talked to her and told her how much we loved her.  We sang as we could, singing her favorite Jesus Loves me and the song from her favorite movie, Frozen -Let it Go. 
The waiting game is hard especially when it’s your precious child’s life hanging in the balance. As Tuesday morning dawned bright and clear, it looked like we would probably be there another 24 hours or more as she showed an ever so slight activity in her EEG. We planned to gift her heart so we knew the process could get long.  The rest of my family had arrived about 7:30am and she seemed to be about the same.  We were out in the waiting room chatting and milling about when I had the sudden urge to go see my baby.  As I arrived at her room I saw several doctors and nurses standing there watching her screens closely and soon they were all there at her bed and more machines were being brought in. The doctor looked at me and point blank asked if I wanted them to keep resuscitating her.  I looked at him in shock and said absolutely not but that I needed Lowell to make sure he was ok with that.  Some one ran to get him and just like that she was gone. We had enough time to get some wires off of her and move the bed from the room so I could sit in a big chair and hold her. We wrapped her in a pink and purple blanket and I sat there one last time with my baby cradled in my arms. Her breaths were short and shallow but I could still feel her small heart beating. We kissed her and told her how very much we loved her and told her we would be joining her up there in Heaven and that she should go on ahead and that Jesus would be waiting to twirl and dance with her. I have no idea who all was even there but all to soon the doctor came and gently informed us that her heart had stopped.  They turned off the ventilator and announced her time of death as 8:30 am. I don’t know how long we sat there and held her.  Family and friend poured in and held us and cried with us. Lowell took a turn holding her and then it was time.  Her little body began to stiffen and her lips began losing their color and the stench of death tickled my nostrils. I kissed her sweet cheeks one last time and smoothed back her hair. 
Then we were walking out of the hospital.  Our Sis in law Jannea had brought the children up to say their good byes and so it was just the 5 if us. It was surreal. I kept expecting Abby to come dashing out around as usual. I always walk along behind keeping a watchful eye on all the brood and she wasn’t there.  Then we were home and people, food, phone calls and emails came flooding in.  Every time I open fb there are more messages and friend requests then I can comprehend.  
We can feel the prayers.  It is what gives us the strength to put one foot in front of the other. It is what helps me breath even tho I feel like there is something crushing my chest.
And we have hope. We know where she is– in the sweet arms of Jesus and we know we can join her there.
Does that make this any easier?  NO!  Do we have any idea how our world will ever be set right again? NOPE! 
Right now we are clinging to moment by moment trust that the bigger picture will look prettier then the pain we are currently facing. We are holding each other a lot more and saying I love you more and we tell our friends to hug their precious children because life is but a vapor.
Abby’s name meant Father’s joy and while she truly was that her on earth we know that is one big reason she needed to go.  Her heavenly father wanted his joy home with him.
I never dreamed I would have to plan a funeral for one of my babies.  Picking out caskets and pall bearers and who will preach and who will pray was exhausting. We tried to plan a service that represented her vim and vigor for life and all the things she loved.  With such a small casket, 4 pallbearers is all we needed to pick. We chose people she loved to carry her to her final resting place, her cousins Chase and Nolan and our dear friends Kevin Kemp who she decided was her Kevin at VBS just a few weeks ago and her little friend Leah’s daddy, Dallas who farms the land we live on. He was always teasing her and calling her Betsy to which she would respond with some loud retort, usually “Mr Stinky Pants”. She just asked me a few days ago if I knew why she liked Dallas so much?  I told her I had no idea to which she responded “because he is sooooo silly”.
Thank you for letting me air out the jumble in my brain and for your continued prayers.

Confessions From a Tired Mama

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 I used to have a list of ideals of how people should live out the process of mothering. Now that my infertility and those crazy lists are but a dim memory far in the past I am learning more and more about the reality of mothering. ( how crazy ridiculous most of my ideals actually were AND how very judgemental I was of those hard working mommys in my world)
Most of the time I am hopelessly in love with the fact that I am actually a mommy.

But then there are those days….
I would have never thought going to the bathroom by myself would be such a big deal.  I now confess that there are times when I go in, lock the door and take a longggg time just so I can read my latest Family Circle or Mary Janes’s Farm magazine in quiet. Usually at the beginning of the “time” there is much shouting and pounding on the door as if the world out side the door can not go on with out me. But as the moments pass, quiet actually sometimes happens and I get a few pages read that seemingly energize and help my perspective.
Then there are those times when the wining and seemingly constant bickering and picking on each other makes my brain spin and I now confess some of those moments send me into a state of oblivious dreaming of time far far away…(and yes, our little recent honeymoon hasn’t helped with that – it was NICE to be ALONE and it makes me wish to be closer to my mama and sisters so we could do it more often)
My reflexology and essential oils business has picked up majorly over the past months.  I am busier now then I have ever been.  I can not express how nice that is!  I love my work and the clients who provide our grocery money but I confess it gets downright exhausting.  Combine that with regular life, cultivating friendships, caring for aging family members, and the fact that I have 4 healthy lively blessings (with unending energy sources) between the ages of 3 and 8,  it can look downright daunting at times. My house work suffers ( I can’t even get into my attic/storage space right now 😉 ) my kids suffer, my lover suffers.  I am exhausted. Period.
Recently I began to pray about our life, my constant huffing and puffing and some behavior issues we are facing with our children. I was drawn to Matthew 11:28 where is says, “come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest”… What is rest? Is that something attainable for/granted to mommys?
When I begin to analyze I must confess I figured out the obvious, I am probably mostly to blame for my own tiredness and probably in part for the tiredness of other mamas around me.  I spend way to much time worrying about what others will think of me and my mothering.  I worry about how others perceive my children.  I worry about the fact that I am the old one – I am almost 40 and most of my mommy friends are in their 20’s or early 30’s. (hmmm there is only one letter difference between old and odd- perhaps I will brand myself as odd instead )
Why do we as people hand out judging so freely when often like me in my infertility days I had no idea how exhausting mothering could really be? Why do we not spend more time encouraging one another in whatever tasks or places in life God has called us to, mothering or not? Like one of those days recently I opened up my fb and a friend from another state who I never see,  sent me this message: “I don’t know why but I feel that the Lord wants me to tell you that you are a great mother to your children! So be encouraged and blessed by that! That’s what He thinks of you!”  Needless to say, that message has a permanent place in my inbox.  Not only did it arrive in God’s perfect timing but it was so right on in the exact words I needed at that moment!
                                           
                                      I thought this veggie tales photo says it so well -what a reminder!

So besides the fact that I want to be more conscious of my words and actions towards others around me, a big part of rest for me means taking some action. For starters, I  made the decision to work with clients 2 days a week instead of 5 or 6. I won’t be entering my children into every possible activity and I am learning to say no even to good and fun things!
  Hopefully this will give me more time to spend with my little chef 
or drinking tea and celebrating life
I am also going to prioritize spending more time with my love 
Regardless, I must confess I think my life is pretty blessed, tiredness and all!

Legacy of a Perfect Marriage (In an imperfect world)

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We just got back from a week of celebrations.

The first was that of my parent’s 40th wedding anniversary.  They rented a home on our family’s favorite beach, Edisto Island, SC.  All of my siblings and the grandchildren were present.

 We spent time playing in the sand and the water, building sand castles and catching sharks.  It was the first time my children had seen the ocean.

  It was pretty much magical.  It took me back to my own childhood and the many fun times my parents created for us.  Their marriage wasn’t with out flaws but they showed us love and mirrored God to us in their daily lives.

Secondly Lowell and I got to spend a few days in Charleston which is where we went on our honeymoon almost 17 years ago.  Our honeymoon was shortened due to me getting a horrid case of sun poisoning where I swelled up like a balloon and turned various shades of purple and pink plus I was incredibly nauseated and fevered.  We left after only a day or two saying we would come back again in a few years and do a more thorough tour of the town. When the decision was made to head to Edisto we jumped on the chance to send the children home with my parents so we could indeed go back.
We spent the time touring the old town, visiting a plantation and of course going back to the one place we did get to on our honey moon ~ Patriot’s Point and the USS Yorktown. Plus we stayed at a weird B & B with a bossy European hostess (but that’s a whole other story)

Honeymoon ~ June 1997
We decided to skip the big bucks and take a selfie on this trip
2nd honeymoon ~ May 2014
Life has been interesting these last almost 2 decades.  We had some great times, very happy times. We had some sad and painful times too. Since we had so many years of infertility we were able to do some traveling and even lived for a period of time in the beautiful sunny tropical Haiti.  As is probably the truth for many marriages we learned a lot of things about each other that were awesome and then we learned some that were anything but awesome.  But God was and continues to be faithful even in the midst of pain and trial just as we see and feel Him in the midst of joyful life experiences.
If you were to ask me what have been some of the biggest learning experiences of my life as a married woman (which will sooner rather then later be almost half my life) it would boil down to a few basic thoughts.
#1. Our marriage’s life story has to be OURS, not our parent’s or our friend’s or the marriage expert’s down the street.  While we can learn from those before and around us, we are unique and specially created and perfectly designed for the person God put us with.  Instead of comparing and competing we must look for the wonderfuls in us and live the moments to the fullest.
One of those moments…flying over the Charleston Harbor ~ Yes I was scared
 I would fall out but the “wonderfulness factor” of the moment was greater then my fear
#2. Don’t allow ANYTHING to drive a wedge.  One of the most painful periods of our marriage was our 11 month separation.  We had just experienced tremendous financial loss that took our home, our car, our dignity and almost took our marriage.  As they say hindsight is always 20/20 and I can see now that contrary to how I felt then,  I did carry equal blame for the split.   I took the pain I felt from a huge life event (told earlier in this blog-The Value of Women in the Church)  
and closed my heart to my man, allowing the wedge to be driven deeper.  Although Lowell had some pretty huge issues too, I had choices. As do we all.
#3. Other’s marriages may not always be how they appear.  If we are honest, real and transparent we will indeed see that all of us face struggles as well as joy. I know I am much more perceptive of pain in others and their marriages then I was before I experienced my own deep pain.  We also learned first hand how important it is to rally support for marriages in pain instead of choosing sides with one person over the other.  During our separation many well meaning people chose one of us over the other to “stand with”/”support”.   The pain from that fact still surfaces in random ways sometimes. 
For me,  because I was considered to be the rebellious and erring one in the community we currently reside in, I still face that attitude and spirit from time to time and have to admit it still causes pain.  It doesn’t matter here that I “left” my marriage for a season (temporary being the goal!) of healing on the recommendation of a Christian counselor I was seeing. Many promises were made to get me to “come back”.  Sadly many of those were never kept.
 Before our separation many considered our marriage to be great/role model material and it was, but we had struggles too and when the fire came we needed loving support not judgement and criticism.  Marriage is SO worth fighting for and so much of the time the things we see are not how things really are and what is really needed is true compassion and care and loads of prayer.
#4. Laugh More  ~ One of the things that has been instrumental in the healing process of our marriage is realizing that life is too short to be grumpy.  Sometimes when I find myself all uptight and stressed out, I set out to find things to laugh about.  There is a reason why Proverbs says a cheerful heart is good medicine.
I don’t have specific ideas of how our legacy will play out in the lives of our children but if there is one thing I want them to know and remember above all is that God perfectly designed and hand picked our family and their parent’s marriage and that He is indeed perfection in a broken and im-perfect world.
**thanks much to our own Evonda Braswell for the photos!  
My Love & I at the Mangolia Plantation (a must visit place!)