2008-2009…That was a hard time. The hardest I had known then.
Category: family
For Better of For Worse – Reflections on Marriage
Disclaimer: I in no way an expert on marriage.
We as a couple, like many of you have walked thru some tough stuff (financial calamity, separation, death of a child, illness in family) and have found God faithful. I must write simply to get my racing thoughts out before my head explodes….Our history has brought hurting marriages to our door, seeking the hope we live. These thoughts come from those interactions which come as a result of deep pondering and intimate searching in my own heart.
When we married nearly 19 years ago we had no idea the roads we would walk. If you had told me then what I know now, I would not have believed that I could still live and live with joy with the man God has blessed me with. After all he was and remains my hunk, my knight in shining armor, the one I wanted to ask me out in the worst way, begging God to allow it to happen…. Are we perfect? Absolutely not. We mess up. We fight. (just ask our kids) But God has gifted us with truths that have come to us at the right times that have helped us make it through the crappy moments and I can truly say that despite all of the pain I am happier now then I have ever been. I didn’t get there over night. And I still stray away from there…that happiness. BUT, Love is so much more then emotion.
If I could put down on paper a list of truths that have helped us most, these would be on it. No specific rhyme or reason just my random thoughts coming out as they do, maybe not profound but specific in our process.
#1. Love is not a fairy tale: (Duh, right?) As young girls, society puts a selfish twist on expectations. What will make me feel good? Who will do everything right for me? I am a princess… This is dangerous as it sets the grounds for much disappointment in marriage and results in many never marrying as that perfection can’t be found. Now before you turn me off completely let me say that romance is a gift to be treasured and happily ever after DOES exist. My prince may not ride in on his sleek shiny stallion bearing roses and chocolate each week, but he does ride in bearing gifts, a new dish brush or broom or a block of my favorite Muenster
cheese.
#2. Laugh together, MUCH! About a year ago my man came home from work all excited about a you tube clip his buddy had shown him. I was nearly to busy to watch and could have completely squelched his excitement. He had found the series, “Laugh Your Way To A Better Marriage”. This has been huge for us. We have learned so much about each other and have re established laughter in our home on a daily basis. Laughter is healing. It may not be this series that helps you but please find something that you can do together that makes you laugh…
#3.Take the time to hold hands: Case in point. One of our counselors made us do that many a moon ago. You can’t really continue to fight if you hold hands. And it’s fun too. The other night, we had 2 hours completely alone that of course had to be filled with glorious stops like Aldi and Walmart. Not having any little hands to hold brings nice opportunity…and togetherness.
#4.Study the Bible: We all know this. But it is easier suggested then done. Sometimes when one is raised in a society saturated with the Bible, one can be lazy. That’s me anyhow, But the Bible has wisdom. Divine wisdom, about life, love, marriage. And tho it would be nice to see handwriting in the sky, we have truth in our hands. That word has shown us much. This is an area that has long disturbed me. The women that sit with me, opening their hearts and their pain, revealing the less then Godly situations they live in, a great percentage of them are tormented by the scriptures that are picked apart and not taught as a whole. These are the ones who live with abuse whether it be physical, emotional or mental. The “wives submit” verse is hammered but the “submit yourselves one to another” and “husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church” are largely ignored. Lowell and I don’t necessarily study together but we often discuss what God is showing us in HIS word. In our personal situation Lowell’s new found salvation has made all the difference in the world….
#5. Be a cheeerleader: While Lowell & I are not necessarily on the same page on all issues or even our hobbies, we have found that stuff flows much more smoothly when we jump on each others bandwagons. He may not appreciate the energy my “causes” (events, pets etc) take but he supports me whole heartedly by taking care of the kids, offering muscle power and telling me “I can do it..” In return, while I may not agree with his choices, hunting, or the current political candidate he supports etc, I engage him in conversation about what he LOVES to talk about and try to join him in action as well.
#6. Establish your own family unit: This is a tough one. Sometimes the apron strings are well secured. Extended family is a gift, but one that must be kept in balance. When we say “I do” we are now a unit, a family, me & you. Finding correct levels of interaction can be challenging and we must always use kindness and respect but for us setting boundaries that protect our “me & you” has been vital to growth and health in “us”.
#7. Encourage Friendship: Friendship is vital for health in marriage. Not only do I need female friendship that helps me use up my quota of daily words and emotions but He needs time to just do guy stuff. It make “us” work better as long as we surround ourselves with upbuilding and encouraging people who are passionate about our marriage flourishing. Ultimately God is the only one who can fill the voids we feel, but friendships designed by him can aid in the process.
#8. Cherish the Gift: How does one treat an antique heirloom or piece of value? We care for it, making every effort to insure that it is kept safely, not scratched or dented or broken. Our marriages are like that gift. They are meant to be treasured, to be kept safe, protected. If I view Lowell in the correct context, I easily remember. He is my gift. My treasure. I am blessed!
Present for the Presents
I love a good play on words.
Well I really just love words period.
I love how much better I feel when I can simply release, get the words that are pounding on the door of my soul out into the atmosphere.
Not that they are always profound or meant to change the world. But they do. They change my world. My little corner of space. My canvas. My place…
I started this blog as a means to cherish and record the moments of my life that though seemingly small are significant in the big picture.
Then grief came. And the darkness descended on those moments and I wondered if I would ever see the beauty in them again.
It does that. That monster.
Grief changes everything.
I thought I understood it before.
Back in those infertility years when God seemed to be with holding the very thing I just knew I needed to be who He had created me to be. A mommy. I grieved the years I saw as “wasted”. That in between space where I spent hours consumed with the disillusionment I felt deep in my soul.
Then came the exhaustion of 4 babies in 4 years and the falling in love with each one as God gifted them to us. The she died. And the grief I thought I knew all about became a silly side note in the overcoming deep ocean of continuous hammering on my soul. I had loved, opening my heart to a little soul who, despite the spunky annoyances she often presented, wormed her way into the deepest crevice of my heart. My grief of yonder year was abstract, obsolete in the crashing waves of having loved.
Since then my crusade and mission has been to make the best of the mess, make lemons into sweet lemonade, see the beauty in the crap. Sorry that may sound rough and uncouth. But its there deep inside and sometimes it just comes rumbling out. I am like a broken record. I hear the sighs, the complaints, the mumble grumbling from weary mamas who think their season of hardships will never end.
The baby won’t sleep…… I wish I had a baby to sit and hold.
Diapers are so expensive. I am sure the kid will be in diapers in kindergarten…… I wish I still had someone to buy diapers for.
I can’t wait till my kid goes off to school……. I wish I still had my little someone here to bug me…
Now don’t get me wrong. I know mommy hood is among the most exhausting, frustrating yet freakishly awesome task. I know the seasons that are ever so short seem like they take years.
I am no saint. I still yell at my kids. I still need breaks and mommy time. But my perspective has revolved into something I would not have come around to had I not experienced the love/loss cycle.
I have lost track of the amount of times I have challenged mamas to go hug their children.
But that is what it boils down to.
It’s what counts. It’s being present with our children. Truly present. Sometimes that is hard. Very hard. A fellow grieving mama recently asked me if I can enjoy my remaining children. Her words struck a core deep inside. It has seemed like life is over shadowed. But we must go on living.
Not only do they, but we also deserve to live in joyful moments. Life isn’t pie in the sky. Sometimes though the deliciousness of something sweet brings the reality of joy back around.
Those moments. They aren’t always happy.
But they deserve cherishing.
They will soon be memories.
I wanna make them good ones….
So through all that rambling I get back to the whole play on words – I want to truly be present to enjoy the presence of the presents God has gifted me with.
1 year in Heaven
This week has been a roller coaster of emotion.
If there has been a silver lining to the storm clouds the past few months, it has been that we were able to refresh ourselves away from the constant reminders of her death. While we love our home, it is filled to the brim with her. We remember what she did here and what she said there and how she was silly under there. And where she died. While the flashbacks still affected each of us while we were gone, the severity and intensity wore off a bit and we can or I should say I can feel like life is maybe just a tad bit more normal. New normal.
We arrived home from Mama’s on Tuesday which in our reality is the day she left officially but of course with the calendar life goes on…Lowell and I spoke of how Mondays and Tuesdays are still THE day and will always be. Randomly we cried and laughed as we drove along in Bessie remembering her the best we can. Memory is changing. If I close my eyes, I can still feel her soft skin but her voice is fading.
Wednesday, July 15 was cloudy and dreary most all day with intermittent sprinkles reminding me of all the tears that have fallen around our parts this year. To me, I decided to let the day come as it may and to not hide away to shed my tears. We talked of her randomly through the day but it is seeming the intense emotion is beginning to dull for the children. For me, I can cry quickly but it is not so fresh that I cry all the time and the crying is done and over more quickly.
We talked of how Abby has been living with Jesus for 1 year now. At one point, one of the children asked how old Abby is now. I never know what to say for sure as the whole time thing in Heaven is so different. We wondered about if she will always be 3 or if she is getting ready to be 5.
Lex has been praying in her prayers at night that God would please give Abby a good day. I smile and let her express her heart and am glad that Abby’s reality is always good unlike our life here.
The perspective of children is always refreshing….
Our sweet friends Sara and Hannah organized a memorial for us at Abby’s grave the evening of the anniversary day. My amazing friend Shawna (She is just launching a fab photography studio shawna marie imaging that you can visit currently on facebook…head over and like her page!) was there snapping away capturing the poignant moments as 75+ of our family and friends gathered with us to remember.
Sara had gotten a gazillion balloons in shades of pink and red with special heart shaped ones for us 5. She took a pic of Abby and let the children and whoever else wanted to write a message on the backs and tied them to the balloon ribbons. Pastor Perry prayed a prayer and we sang Jesus Loves me just like we did at the funeral and then we stood and watched as they floated away.
Afterwards we all gathered in the basement and ate cookies and just plain sat and talked. It was peaceful, relaxing and fun.
Shawna put together a slide show which showcases perfectly the emotion of the evening.
We are indeed blessed to have the amazing circle of people we do to walk this road with us. Thank you for continuing to walk this path with us….All of you!
Amanda the Panda Family Grief Camp Weekend
Our family was recently privileged to be a part of a wonderful weekend put on by Amanda the Panda Family Grief Center. This wonderful organization was founded to help families deal with the loss of a child but has branched out over the years to include other loss as well. Our counselor, Miss Kendra (Imagine Therapy Solutions) had recommended this particular weekend to us months ago and we signed up right away.
As time drew closer, all of us at one point or another experienced cold feet and wondered if this was really for us. It was. And we are all so glad we went. We came away feeling like God had orchestrated so many special moments just for us!
I did not take a single photo. Special thanks to the fabulous professionals who were there to preserve the memories of the weekend!
- We will need sponsors so as much of the money as possible can go to our cause.
- We will need items such as food, drinks.
- We are still looking for musicians to do 30 minute or so mini concerts.
- We will need volunteers to staff the various events
- We still have space for vendors. I would love to see Pampered Chef, Tupperware, Wildtree and more!
- We are hoping for a photographer to capture the evening in photos.
- We need your prayers. This is much larger then us already and will take some energy to pull off.
Remembering
“He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. Is 61:3″
6 months ago tonight I lay on a cold hard hospital bed surrounded by wires, stroking the sweet soft face of my beautiful 3 year old daughter. I could only handle a few moments being there with her before the urge to flee took over and I would take a break out in the waiting area while our dear pastor Leon and his wife stayed faithfully by her side. The stench of death tickled my nostrils while all the beeping from the many machines pounded like drums in my head. They were playing soft loving songs, lullabies..songs that you sang as you lovingly held your child and rocked them to sleep, not to be heard as one lay there waiting for one’s child to die.
Here are some excerpts from my facebook post from that fateful night….
i really have no words for the pain and the giant hole in my very soul. My baby girl Abby Marie is laying in a hospital bed all full of wires and tubes and fighting for her very life. Around 11:15 i helped her get dressed in her swim suit as she wanted to go swimming with the big kids. The next moments are a blur and the horror of the day keeps replaying in my mind as I try to lay down to sleep.
Please rest they say…I can’t seem to close my eyes.
In about 2 hours (4 am CST) they plan to take her paralytic meds off and then do a brain activity test. So far they are saying there is none there, tho her heart is beating on its own. I can not tell you how awesome your prayers and support have been so far. People have come from everywhere and a group of women (1/2 I had never met) arrived at 1 am to have a prayer meeting.
My brain is jumbled but I don’t think I have ever felt such peace in the midst of such tragedy. We have repeatedly placed her into the hands of the one who gave her life and while we totally 100% that HE could really show off and do some major miracles we also know that Heaven could be so much sweeter with her there.
If you continue remembering us in your prayers, some specifics are:
**Grace, peace and supernatural strength for the moments ahead with the decisions we will be facing (we have been asked about organ donation and she is a viable candidate to gift someone with her heart at this point)
**Supernatural peace and healing of trauma for our 3 three precious ones who actually puled her out of the water and came to tell me she had (in their words) drowned.
**our continued ability to trust even when our world is crashing in around us….
Then came the morning and the moment we were dreading but waiting for, saying goodbye, which is truly more heart wrenching then can be penned with words. It is a feeling I will never ever forget and most sincerely hope God will not ask me to experience again. It makes me want to vomit just thinking of it.
The Journey
Today is yet another Monday. Some days I actually think I may not dread them quite as much as at the beginning of this, our journey of grief. I have been getting sleep now. Most nights. We are laughing again more amidst random surges of tears. We are on a journey of establishing our new normal.
I still can not walk the path to the barn with out reliving the emotions. That is one journey that will never leave my mind I am afraid. I walk it the least amount of times possible. Several times though in the last few weeks, Lowell has worked late, making it a necessity for me to take the journey, a most dreaded moment. I literally have to gather my courage, square my shoulders and allow my body to absorb the trek that follows. Mostly I have to do it at dusk, so the inevitable picture in my mind is starting to take a different shade. Grief is a very dark journey.
The Blessing of Cousins
I was blessed to grow up in a family where my parents both came from large families, Dad from 19 (yes you read that correctly…no twins, same mom and dad) and Mom came from 11. Both were of the Amish faith but since more of mom’s family stayed Amish, I ended up with more cousins on that side (close to 70) though the grand total of both sides is well over 100 first cousins. Because of the fact that my parents chose to leave the Amish faith we did not grow up knowing many of the cousins whose families stayed. We would see them every couple of years if we were lucky. A few years back that began to change. As they grew up many of the cousins also left the Amish faith, making our ability to interact on a more regular level possible. We live all over, spread from Kansas to Canada, Missouri to Pennsylvania, Iowa to South Carolina. All except for a handful of us showed up at my Grandmother’s funeral in May of this year. Reconnecting was a blast.
Anyhow, back to my photo…. A few years back my cousin John opened his home to us all and thus began the tradition of the yearly gathering of the Wagler cousins. So far there have never been even half of us show up, but the ones that do have a lot of fun. Quite a few of us have children so there are lots of happy squeals of the rambunctious 3rd generation Waglers chasing each other around the house. We sit, talk loudly and quickly in typical Wagler fashion, eat sentimental foods like Mommy’s stuffing and Pumkin Custard, and argue politics, play games, and sing lots as there are quite a few guitar and banjo players as well as singers in the group. Last year was my first time being a part of the fun and I pestered everyone to no end, gathering all sorts of groupings of people for family photos that we can treasure for years to come. I am so glad I did. My album is full of various poses and groups many including my precious Abby who had a blast with her little look alike 2nd cousin, Vidalia. We are a rowdy tribe, these cousins of mine. And while live miles apart and don’t see eye to eye on everything, most of us buy up every book we see, enjoy antiques and browsing auctions, and enjoy arguing around with our peculiar, just like us cousins.
Truly in my list of blessings, my cousins definitely make the cut!
This photo from last year was taken inside John’s beautiful home after we came in from taking our photo outside in front of an old rusty wall we all fell in love with (sadly I can’t see everyone’s faces on that set)
My Favorite Things
In many ways we are entering one of my favorite seasons of the year. Now let me clarify. I like a few days with the pretty white fluffy stuff but then I am tooooo cold and long to fly south like the birds. Overall I do enjoy the changing of seasons. With Abby’s death this summer I think I am more ready to move along into the next season and place in time and find balance in making new memories along with cherishing the old.
To me the heralding of a new season is never complete with out appropriate decoration inside my home while paying attention to God’s decoration outside my window. Somehow my decorating box has more fall and Christmas stuff in it then most of the other seasons though I do have a pretty wreath or two that I like to display for those.
Before you get all in a tizzy about me bringing up Christmas, let me remind you that we have less then 2 months till the actual day and since we always travel during the season, I feel I have the perfect reason to get started a bit earlier so I have sufficient time to enjoy all my efforts. Plus shouldn’t the birth of our amazing Savior be celebrated all year?
To get my thoughts back to the “task at hand” ~ showcasing a few of my favorite things.
I never cease to be amazed at the color in God’s world. He is such an artist.
A New Page
Since some of you don’t have face book, I wanted to share our latest update here. We have been busy trying to establish new family normals and happy times and accept what our new family structure looks like. Soon after Abby died, a beautiful young photographer, Kayla Gingerich, (http://kaylagingerich.blogspot.com/) wrote me the sweetest email offering to document our new family structure in photos. She is acquainted with grief and all that goes with it as she lost her dad in a tragic hunting accident several years back. A local photographer did the same thing for her family, offering to shoot a some photos of their new normal. She shared with me how special that was for her and how she would like give us that gift if we wanted and when we were ready. At first I was too sad and didn’t know if I wanted to face the reality of having photos with no Abby in them, but as time has gone on, I find a restlessness in my spirit prompting me to feel ok and almost relieved at being “up to date” and being able to showcase that on our mantle. Saturday was the day and as the day went on it almost took my breath away at the sheer beauty. The trees are vibrant, almost on fire and the sky was a beautiful clear blue. We all wore red in honor of Abby, an idea concocted by the children. We also all wore our donate life pins, honoring the fact that we had hoped to gift families with hope (even tho it didn’t happen). We went to a neighboring town and got some amazing shots of the 5 of us. I am so excited to see them all. It wasn’t as difficult as I had imagined and flowed with an almost normal feel. The children cooperated nicely and actually smiled.