We are having an amazing week traveling about in Bessie (our trusty motorhome) making memories with our new family structure of 5. We had always wanted to visit 2 of my mama’s sisters and their families in Kansas and decided now was the perfect time. Time flew but I managed to snap a few photos along the way. This will be mostly for my family but you are welcome to tag along.
Before I start let me tell you about how vast my extended family is so you will understand how special time with any of them are. My daddy comes from a family of 19 children – 12 boys and 7 girls. I haven’t recently counted but I think I have 50 or 60 cousins from that side alone. My mom is number 2 of 11 -5 girls and 6 boys and a multitude of cousins numbering more then my Marner side, close to 70 I think.
If there is one thing that has been really close to my heart in the last 8 weeks it is the importance of spending time with those you love. Hence the decision to spend time with family and friends as we work through the pain we are processing.
We decided to spend one night with each aunt and they spoiled us royally. One morning they took me to visit a friend of theirs, Rebecca who lost her 18 year old daughter in a car crash one year ago this week. It was strangely comforting to sit and visit with her and watch how she is walking through her process.
Category: family
Happy Birthday in Heaven
Dear precious Abby
4 years ago tonite I went in to labor on my due date with you which was a first for me. Beings you were baby number 4 I figured I could just head in and pop you out. How wrong I was. You were my longest birthing process, almost 12 hours. You were different from the very start and soon after you were born and I sat holding you I had this strange emotion come over me, just a fleeting thought but very real and scary. It was simply this, that I may not get to hold you for very many years. I wrote it off to hormones and didn’t think much more about it till that fateful night in the hospital on July 14 of this year (2 months before your birthday) when daddy told me he had the same premonition also.
You came into our lives at a spunky 7 lbs 11 oz (also Hunter’s birth weight) and took over the rule of the roost almost instantly.
Thank you….
I am using this format as a means to say THANK YOU from the bottoms of our hearts. You all have been and continue to be such a huge strength in our journey of grief.
Process
July 14, 2014 will forever be marked down in our history as the day that changed everything – literally.
It marked a new process, one that has so dramatically turned our world upside down.
Some days I feel lost. I wonder around feeling like I should be doing something but find the what to be evasive.
Some days I feel angry. If God is a God of love then why must He dish out a pain so deep it threatens our very existence? And why couldn’t he take someone who was old and had lived their life or at least taken someone who was not so loved? I mean that makes sense right? So many people live in secluded alone-ness not knowing anyone who truly loves them. We lavished love on Abby. She was our spark and kept laughter in our home. Why her?
Some days I feel nothing. I look into the mirror and the woman who stares back at me is just a shell with a vacant empty despair. I don’t know who she is. I can’t remember simple things like my passwords used to place orders or where I left my shoes. Then I feel like I am in a bad nightmare and that if I can just truly wake up then life will be right again and I won’t have a stuffy head from the constant weeping.
Some days I wonder how this process called grief really works. “O it’s just a part of it” they say. You’re reacting normally. What’s normal about grief? Absolutely nothing. My list mindset goes absolutely bonkers – there is nothing I can check off except for the fact that I took another breath that maybe didn’t hurt quite as deeply as the one before. I took another step by simply telling my feet exactly how they need to work..one in front of the other. Lowell works and it helps him cope. For me, I get irritated when people tell me I should get on with life and get back to work so I don’t have to sit around and think about this all. Quite frankly even the thought exhausts me. I am tired all the time and can barely keep up with the necessary things of daily life. It confuses me though. My clients and work have always been a joy and something I look forward to. Maybe someday normal will reign again….
Some days as I wonder around the store trying to get my bearings together, I find myself pondering if everyone knows I am in the grief process? Maybe I should wear a sign. I find myself crying as I tell total strangers how I just buried my baby. Most are wonderful and I end up with hugs which help most days.
Some days I worry about my precious very alive children and how in the world I am ever going to help them “process” correctly when I can’t even “process” myself? Alexia hasn’t touched the barbie dolls and pollypockets her and Abby always played with daily. She told me the other night “Mama, I just need Abby to come play barbie with me”. Hunter seems to be ok most of the time but recently told me that even tho I tell him it wasn’t his fault that he still thinks it is because Abby asked him for a floatie and he didn’t get it for her. Kali still can’t sleep in her bed because she shared it with Abby. Last night was the first time she didn’t cry herself to sleep in many nights. Her usual question before she drifts off is “mama why can’t we just go to Heaven too?” My main answer is usually “because God still has work for us here precious one”. In my heart, I know He does but man, this grief stuff really stinks.
Some days I wonder about what is really important and what in the world God is trying to teach me. I have always avoided the subject of death, simply finding it to morbid and not really ever focusing on it. Since spring of this year, death, terminal illness and sadness seem to envelop my small existence. My Grandmother died and tho I know she hasn’t really “been here” over the last several year and the fact is that we actually celebrated the fact that she could go on, it is still the final page of a chapter of our lives. Just a few weeks before Abby died, my dear friend Jan was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. She has been a faithful prayer partner and friend. I know she is ready to see Jesus but I am irritated that it is her that has been chosen for the process. I need her yet. Why are the things most dear to me being taken away? Some days it makes me scared to love…
What ties this mumble jumble process together? God’s love. It’s as simple as that. He loved Abby so much that He knew she would be better off with him. And hey, with the condition of the world and all the dangers and evil it really seriously isn’t that bad of an idea. Some days I question how He could really love us and allow this to happen to us. But He is showing love to us left here too. He has surrounded us with praying saints who have shared with us how they wake up in the middle of the night and can’t sleep and spend that time praying…for us! He takes care of physical needs in ways that blow our minds. He also blesses us with promises of hope and the reality of the fact that we can go to be with Abby.
Our life is not a series of meaningless events that make up our existence but is carefully orchestrated and planned by God to bring glory to His name. I have always enjoyed writing and blogging but never really got anywhere with it specifically. The past 2 weeks have increased traffic to my work in ways I never dreamed. People who wouldn’t ordinarily have any connection have happened by over 50,000 times. It isn’t about me but about that work that God wants to do through Abby’s life and her death. I have a platform to share Jesus and his love. Even though some days I shake my fist at Him and scream why, I am truly awed and humbled that God chose me to be a part of the process.
Photo Journal of Abby’s funeral ~ Take 3 ~ July 19, 2014
So my sweet artsy friend Alaynna Schwartz of Playlife Photography showed up tonite with her absolutely amazing photos of Abby’s funeral. They represent so many special details of the day that said ABBY loud and clear. Each tells a story in a very personal way and leaves no need for captions. I am in love with the detail, expressions, lines, feet, people
So with our further ado…..here they are! I hope you will enjoy seeing them as much as we did the first time.
Abby
Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning….The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord…..
Confessions From a Tired Mama
I used to have a list of ideals of how people should live out the process of mothering. Now that my infertility and those crazy lists are but a dim memory far in the past I am learning more and more about the reality of mothering. ( how crazy ridiculous most of my ideals actually were AND how very judgemental I was of those hard working mommys in my world)
Most of the time I am hopelessly in love with the fact that I am actually a mommy.
But then there are those days….
I would have never thought going to the bathroom by myself would be such a big deal. I now confess that there are times when I go in, lock the door and take a longggg time just so I can read my latest Family Circle or Mary Janes’s Farm magazine in quiet. Usually at the beginning of the “time” there is much shouting and pounding on the door as if the world out side the door can not go on with out me. But as the moments pass, quiet actually sometimes happens and I get a few pages read that seemingly energize and help my perspective.
Then there are those times when the wining and seemingly constant bickering and picking on each other makes my brain spin and I now confess some of those moments send me into a state of oblivious dreaming of time far far away…(and yes, our little recent honeymoon hasn’t helped with that – it was NICE to be ALONE and it makes me wish to be closer to my mama and sisters so we could do it more often)
My reflexology and essential oils business has picked up majorly over the past months. I am busier now then I have ever been. I can not express how nice that is! I love my work and the clients who provide our grocery money but I confess it gets downright exhausting. Combine that with regular life, cultivating friendships, caring for aging family members, and the fact that I have 4 healthy lively blessings (with unending energy sources) between the ages of 3 and 8, it can look downright daunting at times. My house work suffers ( I can’t even get into my attic/storage space right now 😉 ) my kids suffer, my lover suffers. I am exhausted. Period.
Recently I began to pray about our life, my constant huffing and puffing and some behavior issues we are facing with our children. I was drawn to Matthew 11:28 where is says, “come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest”… What is rest? Is that something attainable for/granted to mommys?
When I begin to analyze I must confess I figured out the obvious, I am probably mostly to blame for my own tiredness and probably in part for the tiredness of other mamas around me. I spend way to much time worrying about what others will think of me and my mothering. I worry about how others perceive my children. I worry about the fact that I am the old one – I am almost 40 and most of my mommy friends are in their 20’s or early 30’s. (hmmm there is only one letter difference between old and odd- perhaps I will brand myself as odd instead )
Why do we as people hand out judging so freely when often like me in my infertility days I had no idea how exhausting mothering could really be? Why do we not spend more time encouraging one another in whatever tasks or places in life God has called us to, mothering or not? Like one of those days recently I opened up my fb and a friend from another state who I never see, sent me this message: “I don’t know why but I feel that the Lord wants me to tell you that you are a great mother to your children! So be encouraged and blessed by that! That’s what He thinks of you!” Needless to say, that message has a permanent place in my inbox. Not only did it arrive in God’s perfect timing but it was so right on in the exact words I needed at that moment!
I thought this veggie tales photo says it so well -what a reminder!
Legacy of a Perfect Marriage (In an imperfect world)
We just got back from a week of celebrations.
The first was that of my parent’s 40th wedding anniversary. They rented a home on our family’s favorite beach, Edisto Island, SC. All of my siblings and the grandchildren were present.
We spent time playing in the sand and the water, building sand castles and catching sharks. It was the first time my children had seen the ocean.
It was pretty much magical. It took me back to my own childhood and the many fun times my parents created for us. Their marriage wasn’t with out flaws but they showed us love and mirrored God to us in their daily lives.
Secondly Lowell and I got to spend a few days in Charleston which is where we went on our honeymoon almost 17 years ago. Our honeymoon was shortened due to me getting a horrid case of sun poisoning where I swelled up like a balloon and turned various shades of purple and pink plus I was incredibly nauseated and fevered. We left after only a day or two saying we would come back again in a few years and do a more thorough tour of the town. When the decision was made to head to Edisto we jumped on the chance to send the children home with my parents so we could indeed go back.
We spent the time touring the old town, visiting a plantation and of course going back to the one place we did get to on our honey moon ~ Patriot’s Point and the USS Yorktown. Plus we stayed at a weird B & B with a bossy European hostess (but that’s a whole other story)
The Quest for Good Health Naturally
I have long been a fan of the natural ways for caring for one’s health. My mom was big into helping our family and the many others that came thru our doors hoping to feel better. When she first started using essential oils we kids used to make fun of the smells that drifted out whenever she opened her van door, her purse or her closet where she kept her stash. Now I am her. Recently someone came close enough to smell the recently applied Thieves oil and commented about it as did the lady at the hotel when we checked in and she smelled the ones poking out of my travel bag along with my diffuser I take everywhere. A few years ago I would not have gotten caught dead smelling “natural”. Guess I have matured or gone nutty?
Some of my many favorites just to name a few include Valor, Peppermint, Thieves, Harmony and of course Lavender.
Sometimes tho I doubt myself and worry I put to much stock into the stuff I do to take care of myself and my family after all we still get sick and have actually had some fairly major issues where we have had to use some traditional western medicine this very year. Over all thru trial and error and many experiments I am finding empowerment and feel armed and more able to do things to help us get out of the slump of yucky. I love learning about health and how the body works and am so blessed to have people surrounding me like my colleague Dr. Bradi Arnold who wrote a very convincing article about the importance of fevers and how they fight infection. Here are a few direct quotes from her write up which she kindly gave me permission to share.
Many parents panic when their child has a fever. I did too the first time a child was
brought to my office with a spiked temperature of 102.5 F. It is a scary thing to see that child
hot, flushed and obviously very uncomfortable.
It is important to learn ways to manage your child’s fever and not lower it artificially with
over the counter medications. It would be best if you just threw these drugs away and don’t
even have them in your medicine cabinet because even infrequent use of an over-the-
counter drug like Tylenol has been linked with serious, lifelong illness like asthma.
Instead of panicking, honor your child’s fever and learn to use it constructively to improve
your child’s health and vitality over the long term, because, believe it or not, fevers are
fabulous and accomplish important things in a child’s developing body.
Whenever we would get fevers during cold and flu season, my mother would never give us
OTC’s to bring it down because she know that bringing down a fever would only prolong the
illness and would weaken vitality for the next illness to come – we would sicker quicker next
time.
Why do our bodies produce fever? One reason is that fevers greatly slow down
pathogens. Fevers are a highly beneficial immune response that we suppress to our
detriment.
The “germ” – bacteria or virus causing the child’s distress typically replicates every few minutes
and the fever slows this process down. Fevers work to slow down the spread and severity of
the illness and are your friend in avoiding a secondary infection (usually respiratory illness), a
trip to the doctor and a script for antibiotics.
Repeated forced reduction of childhood fever has been linked to childhood cancer.
And eliminating fever will usually cause a secondary infection. When you bring down a
fever you start a domino effect toward antibiotic use. In other words, if you want to avoid
antibiotics, don’t bring down the fever. Fever reduction suppresses the immune system.
Your child is trying to get well himself with the fever and when you bring it down you are
opening him up to a secondary bacterial infection that will further entrench the virus or bacteria. It cannot be stressed enough that fever has an important role to play in your child’s
overall well being
So when you bring the fever down you are giving free license to the virus or bacteria to spread in an unrestrained manner. And don’t panic if your child’s temperature gets to 102-103 F degrees—this is the ideal range for a fever.
I can’t tell you how many times I have seen children spike a beautiful fever of about 102-103 F for a few hours with no other symptoms what soever. When the fever resolved, the illness was over. No cough, no rash, sinus congestion, no nothing. Just a fever and that’s it. I can almost guarantee that if the parents had forcibly brought the fever down with meds, they would have gotten a secondary illness on top of the fever – probably a cough or sinus congestion and the illness would have morphed from an afternoon of chills and discomfort into a two week ordeal with a trip to the doctor and prescription meds.
I was able to put some of this into perspective this week as each one of my children ended up with the dreaded 24 hour high fever/general achy flu. Tho every fiber of my being tensed in fear at Hunter’s rather high temps that stayed where they were for close to 6 hours I am already seeing benefits in his overall health just a few days later. I simply pushed fluids and kept cool washcloths handy when it was at its highest points and of course oiled him down with all sorts of my essential oils.
Another great learning source is my friend Kristi who is an amazing herbalist and puts together some potent formulas from the great Dr Richard Shultze’s recipes. She has been tremendously helpful in giving me ideas on how to rebuild good health in Alexia’s lungs since her hospital stay for pneumonia a few weeks ago. Who would have known stinky garlic chopped up and made into a poultice would help pull Lex out of respiratory distress? And her echinacia tincture is unbelievable. WOW!
I am blessed to have so many great teachers to help me along the path of help! I think we have so many wonderful God given tools available to help us along in the quest for better health and living.
Expectations & Comparisons
I struggle with comparing myself and my family to others around me. There I said it. It doesn’t sound all that pretty.