Category: God’s truth

Beautiful Words

Posted on by admin

Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones. Proverbs 16:24

The knots in my stomach got a little tighter. I felt my heart breaking into teeny tiny pieces as I sat with my husband listening to the angry voice rage on and on at the other end of the phone line. The room filled with tension as the voice got louder and more shrill, carelessly tossing words full of insult and accusation about as freely as the falling rain. They surrounded us both like a heavy blanket, rendering one nearly unable to breathe from the sharp pain of unsuspected attack.

The days following overflowed with numb exhaustion as we grappled with the aftermath. The line between truth and the dump truck load of accusation and condemnation that had just bombarded our tender, raw souls was barely discernible.

Sleep was laced with the uncertainty of how the situation would resolve. One morning in the last hour before dawn, and before the house was stirring I sat, Bible in hand, searching for God’s thoughts on our current perilous position. My husband groggily came to inquire what I was doing. We discussed the importance of proper response to words that are not life giving in nature and were able to do some combat against the presence of those recent hateful words and their affect on our lives using the simple truths of the Bible.

God’s word is full of instruction about words. Not only are words filled with either curses or blessings but we are told we will give account of every unnecessary word we speak. Proverbs 12:18 says “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing“

Unbeknownst to me, God was already working to bring healing to the wounds I had received from those angry accusing words. We’d stopped at one of our favorite fast food spots to eat after our daughter’s volleyball game. As I was finishing, an old friend whom I hadn’t seen in 2 decades came up to my table and began to visit. As she walked away she hugged me and whispered “you are really looking well, you look so at peace…” She could not have known the turmoil happening in my inner soul or the pain that threatened every conversation with tears, but God did and orchestrated our meeting precisely.

The rest of that week was filled with more incidents just like that. Time after time, God sent people into my path to be honey to my hurting soul and remind me of his love and divine plan for me. Since, He’s been showing me the words He says about me in his divine word.

He says I am free from condemnation (Romans 8:1,2).

He says I have HIS spirit (Romans 5:5)

He says I am chosen (Isaiah 43:1, Psalm 139:13-16)

He says I am loved (Ephesians 2:4-9)

He says I am worthy (Matthew 10:31)

Scripture is packed full of great and precious promises so this list could go on and on. But I am thinking HIS words about me are so much more valid then whatever the enemy seeks to throw at me.

I continue my quest for finding God’s truth about the power of words and hope I can truly live according to Proverbs 31:26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
And on her tongue is the law of kindness.

Beautiful Scars

Posted on by admin

What if I told you I had a marvelous tip for dealing with scars?

If I’d have known at the beginning of this summer how many scars I’d soon acquire, it would have been discouraging.  2 years of illness and a previous major surgery and subsequent hospitalization with sepsis and staph had left me anxious, constantly wondering what may happen next. 

At 44, I didn’t desire the unappealing reality of instant menopause which happened as a result of a needed but unexpected hysterectomy and my first set of scars of the summer.  That surgery revealed a large thyroid tumor resulting in my 2nd surgery in eight weeks, and yet another super visible scar.

Aside from physical scars, our family has been walking through some deep scar producing valleys emotionally, that have uprooted our family in indescribable ways. 

I have cried out to God asking for help deciphering  what lessons we are missing to make this season of pain and scarring seem endless. 

Sometimes He’s seemed silent.  

Mostly though, He has brought sweet reminders of HIS presence and love for me.  

As I’ve sat resting from my last surgery,  I’ve contemplated more deeply wounding and scars in general.

Jesus has scars. 

His scars show evidence of his love for me and God’s divine plan to draw us to himself.  

How amazing is that?  

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

My scars are as nothing in comparison.  However as I think back over the love and care God has shown me through their obtaining, it has changed my perception.  

My thyroid scar, for example, is there because a CT Scan tech took a different picture then he was supposed to.  Instead of stopping the camera at my shoulders, he went to my jawbone which captured my tumor perfectly. 

Coincidence?  I don’t think so! 

The emotional scars from our family’s struggles have brought blessings too.  Meeting Godly new friends and figuring out our God placed passions and fun ways to pursue them,  may not have happened in the scar-free zone we were comfortable in.

In reality I don’t have a physical cream or potion to offer to make scars disappear. 

However, I can attest that changing perception has helped me see my scars differently.  

Looking at our scars as gifts we can thank God for, may just make the process of living with them easier. 

I’ve had this song on repeat….

1 Peter 2:24 ESV

He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds (scars) you have been healed.

Between Two Camps

Posted on by admin

When I first started writing in public places, I set my heart on writing from real places about real things, real emotions, real life, hoping to focus on the blessings and finding joy in life. Lately, I’ve been accused of airing dirty laundry, of speaking before thinking and being to critical, just to name a few lesser favorable opinions, so I have thought long and hard about this post and I am not out to make jabs at anyone, just kind of thinking out loud on somethings I have been pondering.

I am a big back ground person so bear with me as I get to the camps part and please hear me. I am not here for pity party or complaining. **For the record, many of you have told me how brave and strong I am, I am really not all that….

Photo by: Kali Miller

Since Abby died almost 5 years ago, it has sometimes seemed as if our life goes from one crisis to another. I am not all that fond of crisis mode. The last 2.5 years have been especially difficult. I got sick in the fall of 2017 and stayed in that state for 18 long months and during that time nearly died of sepsis and staph infection.

I was still recovering from the long illness, when one of our children became the center of some really ugly circumstances that should not have happened and have ripped at the very core of who our family is. As we have stood with our beautiful daughter, defending what we shouldn’t have to defend, the reality of sin staying hidden repeatedly reminds us of our constant need of Jesus and his light to shine into our dark circumstances.

As this particular situation has drug on and on with seemingly no resolution, it has taken it’s toll on all of us stress wise. Thinking it was just stress and the residue from how sick I had been I ignored my body trying to tell me it had more trouble, until it became apparent I would need surgery, the lovely female kind. Not quite 2 weeks ago, that happened. As I have spent time at home recovering, a trip to the ER revealed more potential scary in the form of a what the dr called a large, suspicious mass on my thyroid along with a few smaller nodules. I have excellent lab work and a 90% chance of it not being cancer but it’s a little unnerving none the less. So now I wait for more appointments with more doctors, more tests, a biopsy, results….

Here’s where the camp part comes in.

As we have have walked on in our journey, prayer is the key factor that has kept us sane. As each event has unfolded many well meaning persons have offered wise words, books, scriptures and podcasts on prayer, in addition to standing with us and actually praying.

As I see it, there are basically 2 kinds of pray-ers. There is one camp that claims and proclaims that all of their requests will be answered in the requested format. The other is more laid back in approach. Everything is asked in the “if it be thy will mode”. Both “camps” tend to be radical about their chosen view point and one can quickly feel confused or even guilty about one’s choices of how to pray.

I remember sitting with friends after Abby’s funeral and hearing them share about people they knew who had had a young child hurt in an accident. Over the course of the hours where it appeared the child might die, the parents did the “claiming prayers” and the child pulled thru. Unbeknownst to them, the child would grow up to totally reject God and his way and died in a drunk driving accident after which the parent’s grief spoke out on how they would have been much more sure of her eternal end had she left as an innocent child. Now I know that story sounds almost prudish and could be perceived as legalistic in nature. I also know that scripture itself says “you have not because you ask not…” and “by his stripes you are healed..” I have also personally seen God move in mighty ways answering both kinds of prayers. He is THE God of miracles.

I am becoming more and more inclined to think that it is more important THAT we pray and maybe not necessarily such a big deal HOW we pray.

So as I sit on the eve of another week filled with doctor’s appointments, I will continue to trust in the one who already knows the outcome even if it means I have to go back and trust all over again every single minute. And I humbly ask for your prayers, however you choose to pray.

I have also found great comfort and distraction from my own stress in praying for others. So I am availing myself here in a public format to pray for what you are facing. Comment here or message me on the link on my homepage or via facebook or instagram.

The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much…

New Things

Posted on by admin

Isaiah 43:19 – Behold I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.

New things.

For me, new means change. Sometimes “new” is welcome. Like the new blooms after a long winter.

Other times “new” is difficult to process and endure. “New” can feel cold and be daunting, frightening, exhausting.

Photo by my daughter, Kali

Getting a website of my own and working with more definitive purpose on following a dream, my calling of sorts, is downright terrifying.

I’ve made a million mental lists as to why I should just stay put in my nice comfortable space. They go something like this. There are already a million other writers, mommy bloggers, wanna be published authors out there. What do I have to say that’s any different? What if people don’t like what I have to say? What about the chiding and scolding I’ve already experienced that just about silenced my voice forever? What if I’m not good enough?

But then I think about God’s love and provision as our family has walked through some really dark times. I think about my health and how very sick I have been and how God has spared my very life. Reflection not only brings gratitude but it helps define purpose. My purpose. If I truly believe that I am alive, breathing, here, for purpose then what do any of my lists prove? matter?

I am ok with being writer, mommy blogger, wanna be author, number one million and one. I am good with an audience of one as long as it’s the creator of the universe who designed and created me with value and purpose. Through HIM I am good enough no matter the hurtful debilitating insults tossed my way.

I’ve been listening to Zach Williams over and over as I came to the choice to actually step out (and yes I am still learning about how to be techy in presentation of links) The song is Fear is a Liar

https://youtu.be/1srs1YoTVzs

So as I embark on a new journey of sorts, I invite you to join me. What is God calling you to do? To be? What adventure is waiting for you?

What if…

Posted on by admin
The past 2 1/2 years have been filled with lots of different questions and a million different emotions. 
I had thought that by this point in the journey that my emotional process may be different and that in some miraculous way the urges to flee from the suffocating stages of grief may have diminished.
They have some what. 
Time has a way. 
Somehow though the bubble I put around myself popped this week and the crash hasn’t been all that pretty. 
On lookers may miss it. 
Even those I am close to can’t necessarily see my inner soul (unless of course I blatter on publicly on social media)
Only God can.
While I know this to be truth and find it comforting mostly, I also know that my broken record reminders of clinging to Him in the eye of the storm are reality.  
BUT this doesn’t mean the questions stop. 
And yes, I’m writing from that place. That broken place where the tears stain the keyboard and my stomach is in knots…the place and time where I long to just wrap up in my covers and stay put..the anti social place which my normal self disdains.
Those questions are endless as are the flashbacks (hello PTSD..)
What if I’d been not so busy and would have followed her out to the pool as my gut suggested?
What if we hadn’t filled the pool more full then usual?
What if I’d been more on top of water safety?
and the Whys…
Why oh why did I have to endure the many years of infertility only to lose a part of my soul just when the tiresome, exhaustion of 4 very young ones was becoming just a tad bit easier?
Why did we have to be chosen to be parents who have lost?
I have the tendency to beat my self up over my need to know the what if and the why’s answers.
However the longer I walk this journey, the more I realize in deeper ways how the God of the universe has shoulders big enough to handle my pidley and sometimes angry questions.
I am also seeing the many parallels to David’s up and downs.  He is known as a man after God’s own heart.  How much closer to God can you get then that? To know God’s heart…
Psalms is full of emotions much like mine.  
Some days were good for David and he danced in the streets.  
Others were not so good and David moaned and groaned to his creator.  Ps 119:25 says “I am laid low in the dust. Preserve my life according to your word.”  Definitely some depression going on and a not so dancing in the street day.
This week this has meant that in order to keep on with life I may need to change my what ifs and whys up a bit.
What if the bigger picture is much more beautiful then I can fathom?
What if the lessons make me better?
What if the horrid grief can be a tool to reach others?

I have a list of questions for God that I’d love to sit down and discuss with Him but I wonder if when we actually get up there to that glorious city, if they’ll be all that important to me?

So for now I will continue to wrestle, to keep the faith, to get out of bed, to paste on the sometimes fake smile and remember that He is big enough to handle all my what ifs.

And of course we continually remember…Facebook has been throwing memories at me left and right. This is todays…

That kind of friend…

Posted on by admin
“Walking with a friend in the dark is better then walking alone in the light” 
 – Helen Kellar 

I’ve been in one of those darker brooding times where I contemplate life and all that entails. 
As I sit looking I see a mix of joy and sadness.
But sometimes, it seems, the sadness and big world of pain seems to overshadow the good.
Why is that?  
We are surrounded by more people and conveniences then ever and yet studies show we are more lonely then ever.
Why?
In my smallish bubble view, I wonder if truly caring and genuine friendship could be part of the answer.
We are selfish.
Scratch that.
I am selfish. 
Utterly completely 100% selfish.  S-E-L-F-I-S-H. 
It sounds so ugly when you spell it out. But that’s what it boils down to. 
I was busy having a full fledged, complete with the “I’m even mad at the cute little kitty” attitude,  all out pity party for my self today. 
SELF.  
Get it?  
I was all absorbed in what all was wrong with my little orb, my space in life.  As I sat there, grumpy as ever I remembered the gratitude sermon I’ve been preaching….”There is ALWAYS something to be grateful for…”  
Yeah. Uh huh. 
Maybe in some people’s perfect little lives that can be possible. 
But in mine?!   
My daughter is in heaven.  (in case you haven’t figured it out yet that seems to be my biggest gripe/question for God and my handle for the grumps). 
 As I sat staring, my eyes were drawn to the tiny little bouquet of zinnias on my counter. 
 Lexi picked them for me and as she handed them to me she said “I love you mom!”  That’s big from a kid that has been pretty non vocal about feelings and emotions.
And twice today my son came with his hugs and the declaration “You know what my favorite time of the day is mom? This hug…” 
So I do have some pretty big things I can count as God’s showers of blessing…Come on focus.
A while back I took a giant leap and joined a bible study with a bunch of women I did not know. Yes, this social bug does have a few relational qualms. These women were an answer to prayer that I started praying after reading some of Jen Hatmaker’s concepts in “For the Love”. 
These women have truly taught me about friendship.  
We are all different with very different struggles. 
We are different ages. Single. Married. Some jabber. Some stuff. We represent different denominational backgrounds.  **GASP**!  
But we have so very much more in common. 
We are safety for the tough stuff. 
We are comfort in the tears and oh yeah we spend time howling with laughter too. 
And eating of course.  
They have taught me how to face tough situations with strength and resolve that is rooted and grounded in biblical principals. 
In them I gain perspective.  
Walking with them, I have learned in deeper ways how to look for the purpose in the pain. 
My eyes have been made more aware and tuned in to pain in others tho I still have a longgg way to go in this. 
And you bet your buttons,  I totally get the difference their unconditional love and friendship have made in my life. 
Are we perfect? 
Nope!  
We aren’t necessarily bosom buddies or the kind of girls that have to chat every day.
But friendship like this is rare and precious and has value, so much value and added depth for life.
So back to the pain and loneliness,..
What if, instead of spending time snarling about how we perceive someone and their actions, we spent that time obeying God’s calls to our souls to be kind?  Simple kindness goes a long way…
We don’t know the journey many are on.  So we are not qualified to judge their pain.
What if, instead of staying put in our “sides” and view points on the trivial stuff we made more of an effort to spend time getting to know those who may have opposite views then we do?
My current journey has been public.  You’ve heard me wine and complain, celebrate and bemoan.  
And with this being my daughter in heaven’s birthday month, the emotions run high and exhaustion overtakes me in surprising ways.  Grief is such hard work.  But I remain challenged by others who have shown me the depth of the father’s love in how they have walked with me in the most unpleasant of states.
I want to be that kind of friend.

2 years….Grieving Abby – Lessons I am learning in the process

Posted on by admin

Ahhh. Here I am once more.  
I have been contemplating this post for some time and what I would share during this grief week, our time of remembering.
Because of my private fb grief blog, some of my thoughts have already been stated. There are those however that were just waiting to be spelled out here and now.
I can hardly believe we are at the 2 year mark already.  2 years of life being completely and totally turned upside down….     

For you who are new here, here are a few links that I may refer to as I go.  You should be able to click on them and be directed to the correct spot. 
Abby’s story which was viewed nearly 35,000 times and gave me a platform I never could have had other wise to share God’s care of us, shares the details of our precious 3 year old’s end of life which happened abruptly but in God’s perfect timing on July 15, 2014.
My face book grief blog is located here.  Some days I just refer to it as my personal wining space.  LOL.  You may ask to join at any time. There I share our family’s journey and some of the daily response to the effects of grief and how we continue trying to live…

Now on to the lessons grief has been teaching me.  (ha, I’m not some expert or anything) 

Lesson #1: Pain can produce positive.

Some days I have begged God to just write the lesson I need to learn in the big blue sky, so I can be done with the pain and crappy details that compose the current story of our life.  
But as I continue on the path, I am realizing that learning is not always peachy and how pain is indeed a precursor for positive change in my life. Duh.  You already knew that right?  I guess I’m just a slow learner.


“My grace is sufficient for you for my strength is made perfect in weakness”

Lesson #2: Theology can be twisted. 


I have ranted, huffed and puffed much about the things that well meaning souls have said that have been so painful in the midst of the deepest heart wrenching pain. 
 The statements that go something like this,  “There must not have been enough faith to heal her…”  and “this is God’s chastisement”  and ” there must be hidden sin in your life”.
Sigh.
I wonder sometimes why we as people (Christians especially) tend to show up in other’s times of pain with our pat answers,  judgement and critical spirits. While I do believe God does discipline us as his Kidos,  I also am beginning to grasp a deeper sense of the real truth that sometimes (well probably more like most of the time) pain and grief are not at all related to our misbehavior, mess-ups or failures.  Like, really. It ain’t about us at all.  It’s about HIM.
If we truly believe the scriptures, we see that sin entered the world right at the start and the consequences of that sin bring all the crappy stuff  (man! I use the word crappy a lot.) we know as pain, grief, sadness. 
Grief or any other crisis we may see is not the time to use the Bible as a tool for condemnation and judgement.
  Instead it is a time to watch for God’s glory and beauty to be displayed in the midst of the ugly.
I love the story in John where Jesus answers questions about why the blind man was blind from birth.  Jesus’s answer is simple, yet so profound. “It was NOT because of his sins or his parent’s sins Jesus answered. This happened so the power of God might be displayed in him.”


Lesson #3:  There is no grief time table or chart to mark off in the journey. There is no wrong way to grieve…..

Another duh. But here again, I’m amazed at all the places grief surprises me.  I had once heard said that the 2 year mark is a toughy.  I thought at the time that nothing could surpass the pain of the first weeks, months, year.  Who ever told me about this milestone was correct. At least that’s how it’s playing out for our family. 
 I’m amazed at the many different grief styles I have met. Some are so polished in their grief.  So put together.  Not the blubbering mess that I seem to be.  
I spent a great deal of last week on the couch.  Tears glistened at the surface at all times.  I cried openly at Costco. At church. While I was making supper.  In the process I felt a strange drawing to the corner of the attic where her tote sits.  Full to over flowing with all the pieces of her.  Her special clothes we all remember.  Her red Minnie Mouse dress, her fruit night gown, her 10 sizes to small purple swimsuit that I helped her into those few moments before she left for Heaven.  As I sat neatly folding and caressing each piece, the sobs shook my body in a way I hadn’t done for so long.  Sometimes a real good cry is all it takes. Suddenly, I felt ok.  Odd though it seemed. But that’s my grief.  Personal and real to me.  
And while I wish that I could follow a checklist and be done, I am learning to embrace the roar of grief instead and finding my peace in the process. 

“And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus”

Lesson #4: My pain is not the only pain our there.

Sometimes when I’m tempted to wallow I’m instead reminded to look around.    My friend Sara has been instrumental in helping me adjust my focus.  She’s never judgmental but shares positivity, joy and encouraging love. She challenged me to join #100daysofhappy where we document simple blessings via a photo each day.  I have so enjoyed the effect on my spirit that I didn’t stop at 100.  I am on day 108 currently.  
While I still have really down times, I feel more equipped to pop out of them quicker.  

“The joy of the Lord is my strength….”

Lesson #5:  Find your passion.

I am still learning about this one.  Sometimes I wonder which of the current experiences I live are grief related or simply facts of life and related to the age I’m at. You get my drift?
I have never been big about fundraising for any cause.  It was not my cup of tea.  But then my daughter died.  Suddenly instead of celebrating her birthdays and other milestones, we could only celebrate our memories. 
Ugh. 
Out of that the “Remembering Abby, Light up the Night” Memorial was born.  Each year on her birthday we remember the things that made her unique.  It gives us a format to honor her memory and the impact her short life made. And I am finding joy and passion in planning,  the excitement, and all the little details. It occupies our time for several months each year. Plus each year we can pick an organization that is making a difference in the world, our world! Our recipient this year will be the same as last, Amanda the Panda Family grief center. This organization is near and dear to hearts and has been an integral part of healthy grief for our family.  (You can read all about our grief camp weekend here.)
 We had hoped to raise $100 or maybe $1,000 but God saw fit to shine his blessings on last year and we were able to raise over $10,000!  That provides grief support to 10 families for a whole year. (The Des Moines Register did a beautiful write up  about the event and our family, complete with a video in the middle! )
The tremendous out pouring of love and support is huge in driving my passion for remembering her.
Each of us respond differently to pain.  For some passion may be played out in a much quieter way but can be equally helpful in the healing process. 
For more info on this years event which will be held September 17 visit our group fb page  2016 Remembering Abby – Light up the night

Lesson #6:   Prayer Rocks!

If there is one single thing that has been so very helpful for our family, it is this:  the prayers of the saints.  
Grief is uncharted and endless. The journey is hard. 
Many times I have felt the prayers as they rise, giving strength to my weary bones.  
It has changed my perspective on it’s importance and effectiveness.
So don’t ever say “well I can’t do anything else, so I will just pray”. That “just praying” is powerful stuff.


“And pray in the spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests with this in mind.  Be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.”

                                          —————

I don’t know what the rest of our story looks like.  
I do know we are starting to dream again.

I don’t know how the grief will continue to affect us.
I do know it will and that this life is our “new normal”.

I don’t know, some days,  how we will continue to survive and flourish.
I do know God will continue to hold us in the palm of his compassionate, loving hand in the process.

                                             —————

As the week continues, we will continue on the path grief has taken us on.  We will probably release her favorite red balloons and some chinese lanterns at some point as they will always represent her to us.  
You may see creepy “dead” photos of us holding her as she took her last breaths.  I never would’ve have ever thought those pics would be treasures.  They represent pain in the deepest sense but also represent her flying away where she is forever safe and resting with Jesus.  So thankful my sis had the mindset to take them…
I may continue down the sappy, weepy trail I’ve become so familiar with. Or joy may continue edging it’s way in.
Either way, I know I have a network, faithful friends, family and support from people who share compassion with us as we trudge along.

Thank you all for walking this journey along side us.



In memory of our little sparkling piece of heaven. 
Abby Marie
September 14, 2010 ~ July 15, 2014





Faithfulness

Posted on by admin
Great is the Faithfulness O God my Father…

My 3rd child is 7 today. Alexia Magdalene.  Named after my mother. 
 I can not browse through the photos of her birth and the time surrounding with out a teensy bit of sad seeping through the cracks and crevices.  

 2008-2009…That was a hard time. The hardest I had known then.

 Lowell & I had just experienced loss in huge ways….our business, home and our marriage were broken, falling apart at the seams.  
At 8 months pregnant I went to stay with my parents under the pretense of wanting to give birth in one of those fabulous free standing birthing centers (that was the truth…) But I was hurting, beaten down and with out hope.  I spent most of the time carrying her in tears.  I wonder if that is part of her personality and brooding nature now. Even though God was at work, it was hard to see at times in those long 11 months we were apart. I didn’t know if God was going to do a miracle and save our marriage which lay in shambles. BUT, God was close.  Closer then I had experienced and I grew tremendously in Him that year. He has that habit…sneaking into the bad places where He seems the furthermost away and doing his redemptive work. 

We were in the minority of couples that are able to reconcile and continued on life’s road. Our reconciliation produced instant proof of God’s mercies when Abby was born 9 months after we got back together. Her name Father’s Joy was proof of God’s power and redemptive favor and joy in us and our growing little family.

As we have lived through the grief of losing Abby, we have seen time and time again how God’s faithfulness shines through. 
Alexia has been traumatized immensely in the loss of her younger sister and built in playmate and near twin (not quite 18 months separated them)
 Despite the grief she is a spunky darling bundle and brings much joy to our home even through her spots of melancholy. 


She is growing into quite the young lady.  She loves to spend time following me about, baking and cooking. She loves fairy tales and all things princess.
 She is silly and giggles and love.




So as we celebrate another year of the beautiful gift of her, we marvel again at the story that is being woven with her life and how God’s faithfulness is obvious.  
He truly is good and amazing in gifting us with the preciousness.
Happy Birthday Princess!



“Living” with Grief

Posted on by admin
“Only Grieving can release us from grief” – Joan Chittister
“Going on” with “normal” life since Abby has gone is one of the most challenging things I have ever faced.  What is normal? And just what exactly is the “new normal” everyone keeps referring to and how will it look for us and our newly restructured family of 5? 
At first in those nightmarish weeks that followed her death, I wanted to run from the grief and the numbing pain. Now at the 9 month mark,  I am learning to embrace it as I have come to understand that for me, embracing and truly feeling “it” actually facilitates healing. 
Watching my children grieve and trying to walk with them has been very interesting and enlightening.  Not only do they each portray their feelings VERY differently, they truly are all doing the process differently.  Lowell and I are like that.  What blesses me can sometimes be a huge irritation or painful reminder for him and vice versa. 
I write, hence the fact you are here.  It is soothing for me to pen words and send them out in to virtual never never land.  I have spoken my piece.  I have gotten pressure of words needing to burst out off my chest. And like the mentioned in the Bible, healing balm of Gilead, people respond.  You pray. You encourage.  You walk this most painful journey with me.
For my children, I am finding that our grief therapy with Kendra Bailey (Imagine Therapy in North Liberty for you locals who may need someone…) and the activities she encourages are most helpful.
For Kali, the most unlikely thing has been so very wonderful….a doll! Now for those of you who really know her, you will remember she has never played with dolls.  Never.  All of a sudden she took and interest and purchased the American Girl knock off from Target with her birthday money from Nana. Now I find her quietly playing, nurturing, healing with her Claire…She told me the other day how she is going to hurry with her school work so she can have longer summer days to play with Claire.
 I am seeing more genuine smiles…..
For Hunter who has always been my deep thinker, he loves to build and design and create. His quiet sweetness has shown much strength but recently as we drew close to the 9 month mark, he seemed to be showing some distress. What I did not put together right away was how very deeply the death of our pastor who was only 59, affected him.  He shared a birthday with pastor Don who often brought him a birthday card treat. Now Don, like Abby, is with Jesus and one by one the circle of our family and friends leave.  What does that mean to the 7 year old mind?  The same mind who has to reabsorb and ponder the terrible flashbacks he sometimes verbalizes to me. He misses her and now instead of telling jokes he is showing a deeper grief that some days consumes him. But he is resilient and soon is back to his jolly self and keeps quite busy with his challenges of creating, building and problem solving.
usual thoughtful pose with sucker or candy drop in mouth
My princess, Miss Alexia has seemingly been quite happy to take over Abby’s spotlight.  She has not vocalized much and unlike her siblings who still thank God for Abby in their prayers, she does not usually mention her. It is like a part of her world simply vanished.  She too, at this 9 month mark has showed visible signs of grief in new ways for her.  She has come often with comments and sometimes objects…”mama, when Abby was here…”  She too has spent lots of time with her Josphina which Nana got her for her birthday.  It has been such a bonding force for her and Kali.  I can often hear them as I drift off to sleep putting the dolls to bed or braiding their hair or changing the outfits late into the night.  Healing comes in different and sometimes unexpected ways.  
She is also begging to learn and do school and is starting to write me notes like this one which came accompanied with the sweetest kiss, hug and I love you.
9 months has been more difficult for us then I imagined. Someone recently told me that 9 months is often when the reality of the finality sets in.  I think that is true.
My office is filled with plants from the funeral that are flourishing and doing well.  They bring me tremendous peace and provide tranquility. 
 The violets are brilliant in color and are in their second round of blooming.  The beautiful, ever so delicate, China Doll is growing by leaps and bounds as is the 2nd plant which I recently transplanted off of the original. 
While I am not always positive, I am trying my hardest to note the beauty in our pain. 
“Going on” is most certainly one of the toughest tasks I have faced but just as the gifts of beauty in the flowers mentioned and the small steps of healing each one of us is experiencing, I am confident in the strength of the one who continues to carry us through the day to day toughness. He is the reason we are able to keep living in the midst of darkness and grief.  Blessed be HIS name!

Peace

Posted on by admin

Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the presence of God – unknown

How does one experience peace in the midst of complete chaos and the deepest pain one could fathom?
I used to question how one could remain calm and appear peaceable after having their life shattered by terrible tragedy or loss.
I am learning so much more about the large unseen presence that keeps one grounded when the current of constant tears, fears and doubts threaten to blow one away.
I can not explain it.
I am a worrier – always have been, probably always will be. I am constantly in a tizzy about life, especially when it comes to my babies.  Even though 7 weeks ago,  pure adrenalin carried me out to the cold cement where my daughter lay I did not feel terror as one might have expected. I felt an odd calm. Peace. I knew she was gone.  I knew Jesus had her.  Somehow that comforted me even though I cried out to him to please save her, meaning in my terms…please,  please let me have her for a while yet.
 He did what I asked, just not in my way.

Now before you go thinking I am all perfect and have it all together, let me put your mind at ease… be assured I do not. I still worry and fret and get really really angry (still working on that part big time!) and all that yucky stuff.
Since Abby left, my health for example has thrown some GIANT curve balls at me.  We have the flu at our house right now. I am one of the lucky recipients along with several of the others. That is no fun and I keep having giant pity parties for myself.  Why this now? Com-mon GOD!  Give me a break…
Another thing I wasn’t expecting at my physical a couple of weeks ago was to hear my doctor say I had a lump somewhere I wasn’t supposed to have one. My little cocoon of peace kind of exploded right then and there. My kidos just lost their baby sister.  Please God they really can’t lose their mommy….big worry…little or no peace.
I have been tempted to be quiet about this particular worry/fear because of it being more private in nature. I mean, lots of people have lumps that are nothing. Not everyone needs to know about mine. Ha! I can hear the sighs (ah that is so Dorothy-ish) and clicking of tongues as people ponder my insanity at blogging about things of such nature.  Mine is supposedly also nothing..we just have to watch it and wait. Does that make it any less frightening? Not exactly.
  But then as I ponder about how God has worked the most in me I see it is usually when I am “blunt” for Him, something that believe it or not is not always easy for this jabber mouth.
The evil one loves nothing more then for me to curl up in a corner and cower in fear.
 Fear, my friends, is the greatest enemy of peace. Sometimes I fear that because I am vocal I am a bigger target for the enemy. Makes sense right? hmmm?  He after all doesn’t like when we get the word out about the great God we serve. If there is one thing I keep learning though, it is simply the re-occuring phrase that keeps running through my mind…GOD IS BIGGER.
He is bigger then my fear.  He is bigger then the hole the size of Texas that has taken over my heart. He is bigger then the cancer my dear friends Jan and Danielle are battling. He is bigger then financial woes and wars and rumors of wars and obama care and all the other politically charged things around that strike fear and worry in many of our hears.
That, in and of itself, is why we can experience peace even when our circumstances are less then peaceful and far from perfect and when things do not go according to our plans.
He will carry us.  He is carrying me. He is the ability to put one foot in front of the other, the strength to get back to work.  He is joy in the small details like figuring out what we want to do on our vacation.  He is provision of prayer warriors, who like one of my favorite stories in the old testament, (Exodus 17-  Aaron and Hur held up Moses’ arms when he was to tired and weak and the battle was won) lift my family and I up when we are to weak to pray on our own. He is being able to face each new day and remember that even though it is still so dark and ugly and painful to open our eyes, each moment of each day is truly a gift from HIM.
He is and will always and forever be Peace.