July 14, 2014 will forever be marked down in our history as the day that changed everything – literally.
It marked a new process, one that has so dramatically turned our world upside down.
Some days I feel lost. I wonder around feeling like I should be doing something but find the what to be evasive.
Some days I feel angry. If God is a God of love then why must He dish out a pain so deep it threatens our very existence? And why couldn’t he take someone who was old and had lived their life or at least taken someone who was not so loved? I mean that makes sense right? So many people live in secluded alone-ness not knowing anyone who truly loves them. We lavished love on Abby. She was our spark and kept laughter in our home. Why her?
Some days I feel nothing. I look into the mirror and the woman who stares back at me is just a shell with a vacant empty despair. I don’t know who she is. I can’t remember simple things like my passwords used to place orders or where I left my shoes. Then I feel like I am in a bad nightmare and that if I can just truly wake up then life will be right again and I won’t have a stuffy head from the constant weeping.
Some days I wonder how this process called grief really works. “O it’s just a part of it” they say. You’re reacting normally. What’s normal about grief? Absolutely nothing. My list mindset goes absolutely bonkers – there is nothing I can check off except for the fact that I took another breath that maybe didn’t hurt quite as deeply as the one before. I took another step by simply telling my feet exactly how they need to work..one in front of the other. Lowell works and it helps him cope. For me, I get irritated when people tell me I should get on with life and get back to work so I don’t have to sit around and think about this all. Quite frankly even the thought exhausts me. I am tired all the time and can barely keep up with the necessary things of daily life. It confuses me though. My clients and work have always been a joy and something I look forward to. Maybe someday normal will reign again….
Some days as I wonder around the store trying to get my bearings together, I find myself pondering if everyone knows I am in the grief process? Maybe I should wear a sign. I find myself crying as I tell total strangers how I just buried my baby. Most are wonderful and I end up with hugs which help most days.
Some days I worry about my precious very alive children and how in the world I am ever going to help them “process” correctly when I can’t even “process” myself? Alexia hasn’t touched the barbie dolls and pollypockets her and Abby always played with daily. She told me the other night “Mama, I just need Abby to come play barbie with me”. Hunter seems to be ok most of the time but recently told me that even tho I tell him it wasn’t his fault that he still thinks it is because Abby asked him for a floatie and he didn’t get it for her. Kali still can’t sleep in her bed because she shared it with Abby. Last night was the first time she didn’t cry herself to sleep in many nights. Her usual question before she drifts off is “mama why can’t we just go to Heaven too?” My main answer is usually “because God still has work for us here precious one”. In my heart, I know He does but man, this grief stuff really stinks.
Some days I wonder about what is really important and what in the world God is trying to teach me. I have always avoided the subject of death, simply finding it to morbid and not really ever focusing on it. Since spring of this year, death, terminal illness and sadness seem to envelop my small existence. My Grandmother died and tho I know she hasn’t really “been here” over the last several year and the fact is that we actually celebrated the fact that she could go on, it is still the final page of a chapter of our lives. Just a few weeks before Abby died, my dear friend Jan was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. She has been a faithful prayer partner and friend. I know she is ready to see Jesus but I am irritated that it is her that has been chosen for the process. I need her yet. Why are the things most dear to me being taken away? Some days it makes me scared to love…
What ties this mumble jumble process together? God’s love. It’s as simple as that. He loved Abby so much that He knew she would be better off with him. And hey, with the condition of the world and all the dangers and evil it really seriously isn’t that bad of an idea. Some days I question how He could really love us and allow this to happen to us. But He is showing love to us left here too. He has surrounded us with praying saints who have shared with us how they wake up in the middle of the night and can’t sleep and spend that time praying…for us! He takes care of physical needs in ways that blow our minds. He also blesses us with promises of hope and the reality of the fact that we can go to be with Abby.
Our life is not a series of meaningless events that make up our existence but is carefully orchestrated and planned by God to bring glory to His name. I have always enjoyed writing and blogging but never really got anywhere with it specifically. The past 2 weeks have increased traffic to my work in ways I never dreamed. People who wouldn’t ordinarily have any connection have happened by over 50,000 times. It isn’t about me but about that work that God wants to do through Abby’s life and her death. I have a platform to share Jesus and his love. Even though some days I shake my fist at Him and scream why, I am truly awed and humbled that God chose me to be a part of the process.
Category: God’s truth
Cause I love you
A few weeks ago I was pouring over some financial goals I was working on when I felt led to talk to my Father God about it. My prayer went something like this ” Dear God, I am trying to honor you with my finances. You see the bigger picture and all but I am sitting here thinking I could really use $200. You know what I really need and so I want to trust you but here is my heart…” I sat there smiling afterwards feeling oddly at peace and (shamefully) thinking yes, God could but why would He need to?
Yesterday in the middle of my afternoon sessions, the postman came to the door with a box of things I had ordered. On the top was my stack of mail, fliers, bills and a pretty yellow envelope with my name on it. I couldn’t wait till the session was over so I tore it open and guess what fell out! A check made out to me in the amount of $200! In the memo the sender had written “cause I love you”.
Now I am not trying to over spiritualize or embarrass the sender but this to me was my miracle straight from God. Not only did He answer in exactly the way I had requested He sent me a message in the memo also.
He doesn’t always answer my prayers in this way but this time He knew how very much I needed that message at that exact moment and just because not only does the sender love me but the God who created the universe loves me and enjoys blessing me with fun things.
In other “news” spring really may be coming after all! Yippie Skippie!
The Epilogue….Healing
It has been one week since I wrote the heaviest material I have ever penned.
One amazing week. One beautiful week filled with healing that I didn’t even know I needed. One week of take your breath away moments with my husband spent recovering, as it were, from the years of pain that had put up huge walls in our marriage, walls that I didn’t even know existed.
It hasn’t been all glorious. There has been pain and lots of tears. There have definitely been a lot of moments of humbling and swallowing pride and fear.
I wish I could have been bold right away and sought out the healing help I so desparetly needed right then and there. But that’s how pain often works. We hide. We fear. We suffer and so do all the relationships around us.
God is so amazing and is waiting to bring us healing and growth if we can only put aside ourselves and our inhibitions and fears of the what ifs. My story and the walk thru my personal healing is just beginning and I am not all that excited about the things yet to come, but I am confident that God will continue to walk beside me every step of the journey.
I want to thank each one of you who have been praying for me this week and for the meaningful words and heartfelt encouragement. Last week’s blog was my most read ever. That blows me away. Others have been expressing their hidden pain to me and are now starting their process too. This is how Christ’s body is supposed to work. When someone is hurting, the others in the body hurt too. “Bear ye one another’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ”
Thanks for not passing judgement and for helping to spear head the process of my first step in this painful journey. Thank you for continuing to pray for the steps I still have to take and that I may be able to pass along Christ’s love to the ones who are expressing their own needs of healing.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart….
This picture is not my work. The title of it struck me. It is simply entitled “Healing Peace”
The Value of Women in the Church
I sit here a bundle of nerves at the task I have given myself for the moment. I love to write. I love people. I love to encourage people, especially hurting ones.
Something has been brewing in my soul and I have been formulating for a while how to share.
Why not on a blog where the “whole world” can see it?
BUT…What if it doesn’t come out how I meant?
What if I end up hurting someone with the words I feel so compelled to share?
After all I am not an expert.
Since this incident turned my life upside down, my life has changed.
I have been referred to as that fiery Mennonite feminist.
I don’t really cherish that title and am not a feminist in the typical sense of going out and fighting for equal wages and joining protests stating that women can work just as hard and as well as men.
I am a stay at home mom and I love it.
I don’t long for the corporate life or an escape from my children (tho sometimes it is nice to go to the restroom by myself).
There is however a side of me that has been referred to in negative connotations as feminist, that gets all rowled up at the sad injustice happening to women in our so called Christian churches.
These are women who are being told their place is not as “valued” as their head of the home husband’s.
They are the young women shouldering “the blame” trying to pickup the pieces after the horror of a sexual assault and enduring constant questioning about what she did to bring it on.
Women like me.
Now before I proceed let me say that I believe very strongly in God’s design for family authority structure. It’s there in black and white in God’s word.
What isn’t in the Bible is respecter of persons.
God loves us ALL, male and female, and longs for relationship with us, with ME.
Over a decade ago, a nightmarish experience happened to me.
Someone I trusted as a Grandfatherly figure (think 30 – 40 years my senior), a well known very much married man in my anabaptist denomination, showed up at my door in the middle of the day when husband was at work and forced his way into my home, my personal private space and attempted to force himself on me physically.
When the overtaking intense fear finally subsided for a brief moment I was able to free myself from his grip and push him out the door.
I locked all the doors in my home, pulled the shades and scrubbed myself with bleach trying to wash away his scent, his touch and the horrid memories he left behind.
When I stopped shaking enough to dial the phone I immediately began calling, hoping to connect with someone who could comfort me and help me understand the trauma I had just experienced.
I wanted to hide.
I wanted to rewind and erase the moments that had seemed so endless.
In those moments I desperately needed love, affirmation and care for my wounded soul.
But everywhere I turned….there I was met instead with the accusations, “what did you do to make him do that to you?”
**I need to clarify that this was not the response of everyone I opened up to.
Over the years things have happened that bring those awful memories back to the surface.
Sometimes someone is making off the wall statements like how women can fight off attackers if they really want to.
Sometimes I meet HIM at functions.
I want to vomit and re-live those moments like they just happened.
When this happens, I talk about them for awhile again to certain friends and sometimes random acquaintances then I carefully put them back into their neat little box in the deepest corner of my heart until the next time something triggers the awful memories of those moments.
Over Christmas time we sat in a discussion with some friends and ka pow! there it came again.
This time I am wondering if I have properly dealt with it and the horrible guilt and shame that accompanies it.
There are so many questions.
Do I need to confront the offender?
Take it to the church again?
What if he is continuing in his sinful activities and is hurting others?
What about his grown children and grandchildren.
Has he violated them?
I am married to a Godly man who shares with me and attempts to help me see how sexual issues really are for men.
Temptation is real and sexual issues are not just a big deal to men.
Women are tempted too.
All to often though, sexual issues are embarrassing, ugly and no one wants to deal with them because we can all fall.
So we do nothing or as little as possible.
This is my beef with the church as I see it.
It seems there is no balance, either stuff is criminalized or swept beneath the rug.
There needs to be more teaching on right and wrong behavior.
When things happen they need to be dealt with Biblically and the Bible is pretty blunt on this stuff and puts a pretty heavy load on men “For if a man looks at a woman with lust in his eye he has committed adultery in his heart with her already”
Sexual sin, no matter the nature, is no small matter to the God who created us!
It behooves me to more intense prayer for the men in my life and in my church family. We are all in this together.
What does this all have to do with value of women in the church you might ask.
I seriously believe there is a direct connection with the lack of growth in today’s churches.
When women are faced with pain such as I experienced they need to be met with love and care, not disdain.
When inappropriate things come up in church life they must be faced with diligence and be dealt with.
Pushing things under the rug, especially things of sexual nature teaches the younger generations, in essence, that women are of lesser value and that living out the sins we are tempted with is ok especially if no one finds out.
I know now that the man that violated me had a past history of sinful habits.
What if someone had mentored him when he was young and formidable and taught him the truth of God and his ways to finding victory in the area of sexual purity?
As I stated earlier I am not the expert.
I don’t have some secret agenda.
I don’t have all the answers but I happen to know the Creator of the universe who has a direct relationship with me and He does have the answers.
I pray you hear my heart.
I am hoping in sharing something this personal that I can perhaps bring healing, validation – VALUE to someone else who may be secretly struggling with deep hurts in their heart.
“For we are God’s Masterpiece. He created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things HE planned for us long ago. Ephesians 2:10 NLT “
Epilogue:
This blog was written in 2014. Upon it’s release, several local Godly pastors contacted my husband and offered to help me/us work thru the trauma. They stood in place for the God’s church as a whole reaching out to help me find healing. Unfortunately, our youngest daughter Abby went to heaven soon there after so this matter still stays in an unresolved state.
I have come to peace since, though I still wonder how my life could have been different had things been handled appropriately.
I am now an advocate for others who have lived similar stories in similar environments.
My predator is still alive but no longer cognitive and able to hurt me or others….
Resolutions
I have to admit I fluctuate back and forth between secretly hating all the new year’s resolutions clogging up my news feed and a sudden burst of energy and new determination for some of the things I would like to see differently in my life. Like the typical ones, yes please! I would love to lose weight and yes! I would like to read thru the Bible this year and yes! I would like to think I can yell less at my children and yes! I would love to be debt free…the list goes on. But when I sit and ponder my mind flies a hundred different directions and I wonder what is really important? What can I aim for this year to really make a difference in my life and in the lives of those I love?
2013 was a beautiful but tough year. Our little family faced disappointments, with the most “fresh” one being the big deal of missing Christmas at Nana’s due to Lexi’s being in the hospital. Another biggie was hubby and I missing out on a whole week’s worth of celebration in honor of our anniversary because Kali was in the hospital. (yup, this natural minded, “crunchy” mama has had way to much hospital this year!) Probably the most stressful part of the year started when I got a call from my sister saying my dear mom was having a stroke. I still tear up thinking of all the emotions gripping at my heart as I beheld my strong vibrant mother helpless as a small child. Tough and not necessarily fun stuff….
The “prettier” side of the year was wrapped up in small presents and handed to us gradually just as we needed them… Kali has become more confident in her reading and I am now delighting in catching her sitting reading to her siblings. Both of our girls who had hospital stays and my mama are thriving and becoming healthy again. Hunter finally got his 2 front teeth out (after the new ones made their full show right behind). We got some precious time with Nana & Pawpaw in the fall when we met them in St Louis for a short vacation. Abby is finally sleeping in her big girl bed and not wondering aimlessly thru the house at all hours of the night. All of these may seem pointless and small, not really anything to make a big deal about, but they are gifts none the less….
I love finding the good which is present indeed in any circumstance. When Kali was in the hospital, she beautifully portrayed the simple love of Jesus to “mean man doctor” (as I referred to him) and to the nurses some of who had never heard the sweet simple song, “Jesus Loves Me”. When mama had her stroke, my siblings and I grew closer then we have ever been . When Lexi’s hospital stay resulted in us missing our vacation we actually benefited in catching up on some serious sleep deprivation and we had some stay at home as a family time even if it was forced.
Recently Hunter had some bad dreams that made it hard for him to rest. Ironically his Bible verse that we have been working on is from Psalms where it says simply, “What time I am afraid, I will trust in THEE”. I urged him to lay quietly with his flashlight in hand and simply quote that verse when ever he felt afraid. It calmed his restlessness almost instantly as he lay there and quoted that verse. The first night I heard him say it over and over and then just like that he was asleep and has been doing fine since.
Perhaps the most important resolutions include attempting to be more childlike in my faith and looking more intentionally for what God is doing even when life isn’t exactly how I want. After all no matter what comes our way, Zephaniah 3:17 says “The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” Who can’t burst forth with joy at promises like that?!
Incomparable
Our Sunday School lesson today really got to my heart. When I began my study process for it, (I teach one of the ladies’ classes which on a side note are a super awesome group!) I was honestly kind of dreading it as the current sessions are from Isaiah which happens to be one of the books of the Bible not all that high on my favorites list. But when I began the reading part which came from chapter 40 I was blown away by how much of it was written exactly for me, right now, in this week in 2013, in the cold mid western winter which happens to be my least favorite season. (grumpy Grinch!)
I had one of those weeks. Not only on top of my already crazy hectic schedule of homeschooling and my reflexology clients, did I make many trips back and forth to the hospital with my sweet mom in love (a new term I have fallen very much in like with – I am Alta Miller’s daughter in love) but various ones of my children decided it was the perfect week to get their lungs full of that nasty cough which is ugliest whenever one tries to lay down to sleep something one really needs when dealing with stress. After 1 full night and most of another spent in the ER and at the hospital trying to wrap my brain around all the details of Alta’s issues I was so looking forward to/planning on catching up on rest which is usually a realistic goal since my baby is now 3. That “plan” did not work out so well and my whole first night “home” was spent trying to keep my 4 year old’s cough from completely gagging her which in essence took about 3/4 of the night so no catching up there. At one point in the pitch black as our child continued to sound as if she was coughing up her lung, I rested my bone weary head on my hands and informed my hubby that I don’t think God is hearing my prayers. I began to focus on and question everything that wasn’t in perfect order in my life and man let me tell you I can come up with quite the grumpy list….”Why did God make me wait so long to have these beautiful babies?– practically EVERYONE knows that the case load is to heavy with the combination of young ones and elderly parents” “Why would God take some one like the 15 year old that was killed in our area recently and leave the my ailing MIL whose quality of life has dramatically been altered and who is longing to go on to her Elmer?” “and why of all things couldn’t God keep my children healthy in a time when I really need them to be. I mean we try and take care of our health, we don’t eat gobs of junk food AND we take vitamins.” You get my drift….
Here is where Isaiah 40 comes in. Verse 6 in the NLT says People are like grass that dies away. Their beauty fades as quickly as the beauty of the flowers in the field. Then come verses 7 & 8 which say
The grass withers and the flowers fade beneath the breath of the Lord. And so it is with people. The grass withers and the flowers fade but the word of our God stands forever.
So in other words, I am like a fading flower. My self centered focus is but a fleeting breath in the broader spectrum of God’s big picture. And yet HE is forever! His word stands when all around us is falling apart.
I read on and came to my very favorite verses in the whole chapter, verse 11 – He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart. He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young. (Yup that’s me!)
The chapter goes on the very next verse to emphasize the incomparable qualities of God. Who else has held the oceans in his hand? Who has measured the heavens with his fingers?….all the nations of the world are nothing in comparison to him. They are but a drop in the bucket, dust on the scales….in his eyes they are less then nothing–mere emptiness and froth. To whom then, can we compare God?…He is the one who spreads out the heavens like a curtain and makes his tent from them….
Then comes the end verses we all know well. Verse 29 – He gives power to those who are tired and worn out (that would be me this week) He offers strength to the weak. Even the youths (I am pushing 40 here!) will become exhausted and young men will give up. But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like Eagles (Have you seen an eagle lately? Their wingspan is huge!) They will run and not grow weary (even when sleep deprivation takes over and becomes all consuming…JUST.give.ME.my.bed.leave.me.alone.AND.no.one.gets.HURT) They will walk and not faint…
Not only has this chapter given me a fresh perspective right when I needed it most it has brought just another reminder of how blessed I really am in being the daughter of the creator of the universe who is so much bigger and able then I can comprehend! As for the hearing my prayers part, verse 27 says this – How can you say the Lord does not see your troubles? How can you say God refuses to hear your case? …the Lord is the everlasting God, (yup HE is still God even when at the end of my already crazy hectic week my 4 year old shows up with pneumonia) the Creator of the earth….He never grows faint or weary (even when one of his specks of dust is constantly complaining about how awful her beautiful pretty much perfect life is!)
So as I set off on a fresh new week my prayer is that my pouty list stays short (or non existent) and that I fully lean on my incomparable, amazing, all powerful Father who just happens to be creator of the universe!
On another more chipper note, we attempted to take family pictures this week. The results were not all that fabulous but hey we preserved the memories of having the kidos in their pretty Christmas duds.
My man & I
our 4 precious gifts
(I still have to pinch myself some days when it dawns on me that my long years of infertility really are over!)
not frame worthy perhaps but you “get the picture” 😉
Blogging was a new venture for me this year and I am enjoying it much tho I am sporadic at it. Thanks to you my readers for reading my stuff as I attempt to share my heart. I love writing. It is therapy and I always have said I would write if not a soul read it. However if I can share something that is encouraging or uplifting to you on your journey that, in the words of my favorite Duck Dynasty, makes me Happy, Happy, Happy! Merry Christmas to you and yours!
Housework vs. Hospitality
I am people person. Yes sometimes I need peace and total quiet but those who really know me best know I thrive on relationship and being around/with people. I love having guests and enjoy being spontaneous. However my life has changed quite drastically over the past 8 years. I have never been that spotless housekeeper who washes her walls, wood work and windows religiously every spring and fall but during our 8 years of married life and keeping my own house prior to babies the way I kept house was dramatically different from the home we live in now. Stuff stayed put and mostly clean and in order. While I am thankful in deep ways for the 4 beautiful ones who leave wet dirty underware in the clean towel cupboard and color to big a spot of their favorite color front and center on the living room wall (sorry bout that Phil & Bert) or leave cracker crumbs under the couch, it HAS drastically changed the way we invite guests into our humble abode. One time recently I was brave enough to invite last minute guests for Sunday lunch. While part of the group was gracious about the sticky marks on the chairs, one dear soul, with disdain written across her face, came and got my dish cloth to clean the salt and pepper shakers. I know she was probably trying to help but it was so very humiliating not to mention embarrassing. Needless to say, I was slightly paranoid about the rest of the meal and extra nervous about how the kids behaved. We survived and often as I think back to the event I pondered what God might be trying to teach me and how He actually looks at this whole cleanliness thing. As I looked thru the Bible for the cleanliness is next to Godliness verse, which by the way isn’t there, I came across the story of Martha and her sister Mary. Jesus comes to visit and Mary leaves the fuss and bustle and goes to sit at his feet (Hello–RELATIONSHIP!) while dear precious Martha keeps hurrying around with housekeeping details. Finally she goes to bug Jesus about that Mary not helping her. Jesus turns to her and says “Mary as chosen the good portion”…
As I browsed further, the headings of cleanliness took me mostly to verses about being clean and pure spiritually. How freeing! Yes I believe God is a God of order and He asks us to be wise stewards of what He shares with us. Hospitality is however commanded various times in scripture such as 1 Peter 4:9 where it says, “Show hospitality one to another with out grumbling” How simple is that? I freely admit that I am the worst at grumbling about getting ready for guests. I grumble at my children in the process and get down right irritable at hubby if his ambition doesn’t match my own and honestly sometimes that is why spontaneous guests is sometimes actually better. How can I as a busy mother chose the “good portion” over the ever enslaving housework which by the way will always be here? I really wonder sometimes if our busyness in this era of gadgets that are supposed to simplify our lives is one of the reasons we see so much loneliness and depression in the world around us and even in the church? How about we change our thought process around about what’s important and invite each other over even if we just serve popcorn and juice and step on cookie crumbs that have been left in strategic piles under the table? (Or not serve any food as most of us are trying to lose weight anyhow) God was truly genius in creating communities of people which He put together to form meaningful and challenging relationships and I am sure He is mortified that we are to consumed with cleanliness to take advantage of this beautiful gift.
So come on over, I’ll roll out the paper plates (oops just used the last of those for lunch) napkins and my hazy cups (which are not all sparkly due to a dishwasher detergent error) and we’ll look around at our abundant blessings while we munch apples from my large stash and maybe even a leftover pumpkin bar or two.
**DISCLAIMER: just in case you’re wondering, my spontaneous-do-it-quickly nature is the reason there are white lines on this page…I.can.not.make.them.go.away but I am hitting publish anyway 😉
Waiting
Waiting (perhaps I should say patience) is not my greatest attribute. My habit is to swoop in, assess, and fix the “problem” in the fastest, easiest way possible. God doesn’t always agree with my plan and that sends me into a tail spin where I usually end up eating lots of chocolate, grumping at my family, shopping or writing. Which one is the safest I haven’t quite figured out tho I am sure figuring out the grumpy one usually only worsens my already dour mood and sure doesn’t serve my family well.
This week has been one of those seasons of waiting. I had cleared my calendar and was happily anticipating all the fun stuff I was going to accomplish when bam! I got picked for waiting….I have to admit my first impulse was to rush out and try to fill my calendar to so I didn’t have to “feel” the waiting to the deepest extent. Though I did add a few activities I have also spent some time pondering which is one of the reasons I believe God calls us into the game of waiting. In the business of life pondering doesn’t always take place but for me, pondering usually brings me to prayer and who can argue with the power of prayer?!
So I am praying and waiting some more and though it isn’t an activity I would pick I know I am probably growing even if I wish God could pick other less exhausting ways to accomplish making me what HE wants me to be.
2 things keep bringing me comfort; a verse my mama has all over her house on her eagle motif ~ “But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength”…and one of my all time favorite songs from the movie Fireproof.
Waiting and pondering isn’t all bad. I have found a few extra moments to enjoy life and truly see the beauty God has gifted us with. He is so good to pour out sweet amazing peace on his grumpy child even in seasons of waiting.
Of Cars and Colors
This past Sunday Pastor Leon preached an awesome message on prayer that has kept my mind rolling this week. Not only the conditions for true prayer ~ a clean and pure heart ~ but simply realizing that God does answer some of the prayers that seem silly or fulfills the desires of our heart that we may not have even specifically prayed about. It is so important to store those special answers away in a “faith chest” in our heart of hearts to remind us of God and His faithfulness when times of struggle and not understanding Him face us.
I was reminded of the way God specifically answers prayers in many ways already this week and thought some of them were to good not to share.
Lowell has been needing another truck as his is getting pretty rusty and because of its age is requiring more and more work. He has been browsing trucks on Ebay for probably close to a year and finally found one that is pretty much exactly what he wanted. Not only is it 4 door, it has big mirrors perfect for pulling the camper, and it has a bigger motor (mundane details to me right?!) But the clincher to me was the color. Lowell has always liked white and guess what color the “new” truck is?! WHITE! Now I am not saying he sat there and specifically told God about each of these details but he did mention them frequently to me so (I like to think) God having over heard them worked it all out and even threw in a great price as part of the deal.
I don’t have a good picture of the truck yet but I was having fun with the camera and its night settings 😉
With the neat answers to prayer I have been conscious of this week I had to think back to one of my first distinct memories where I grasped the fact that God simply likes to bless us with the desires of our hearts. I was 18 and in the market for my first car. I happened to be in love with the color burgandy and remember specifically kneeling by my bed and earnestly asking God to help me find the right car. At the end of the prayer I remember almost feeling embarrassed as I added this line “and God, if you wouldn’t mind, could you possibly have the car be burgandy?” I lay down and went to sleep with a sense of excitement and just knew God was going to take care of it all. I don’t remember how long it took but one day we found THE car in the local paper and I excitedly made the call. Not only was it perfect, it was from someone I knew in a round about way who happened to be local youth pastors and who understood my great excitement when at the end of the conversation I hesitantly asked what color it was. The man paused and said “well it’s kind of reddish, burgandy I would call it” That sealed the deal and the car was mine indeed.
My faithful first and very burgandy car!
In the old testament after the children of Israel won a war with the dreaded Philistines Samuel took a giant rock and set it out for all to see and called it the Rock Ebenezer meaning the rock of help, because they had prayed earnestly to God for his help and He had indeed rescued them in a very difficult time.
It is my hope that my children will grow to come to faith in this amazing God and that they will always know and acknowledge how capable He is of answering the prayers of our hearts, even the ones that are beyond the necessary and that our family’s Rock Ebenezers will remain strong reminders for future generations of Millers.
God is so good to honor the small details of our lives! I don’t always understand his way of answering or his timing and why simple things like the colors of a car are honored while those around us struggle with big mountains like chemo and cancer and 2nd open heart surgeries but I know He is good and has the best interest of all of us close to HIS heart.