Category: relationships

Resting…

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Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
 
 
As I scroll back through my blog, a common thread emerges. It’s that compelling “I have to write then I’ll feel better” theme.  Often I have passed up the urges and still survived. LOL.  However sometimes, getting the thoughts out into the atmosphere bring about a strange healing, sometimes for me, sometimes for others who may stumble across my ramblings.
I’m always learning.  Now don’t get me wrong.  I don’t pretend to be well versed in much anything. But the process of learning is often bettered by sharing with one another in the process. I don’t like the idea of simply throwing every exciting thought out into the universe, but often others’ words can serve to be a source of encouragement that can be just what is needed at the moment.  And tho I abhor the impersonal nature of social media, I have seen God use it much! 
This week we finished a beautiful vacation with my family at the ocean. We had perfection.  80 degrees and sunshine daily.
This week also brought some moments of painful revelation, the kind that kick you in the gut and leave you questioning many things including your own sanity and every decision you have ever made.  It’s the kind that also amplifies one’s failures. It elicits the kind of emotion that makes you feel like vomiting at any given moment. And of course it brings the endless stream of sleep robbing questions…what if’s…what nows…
To preserve my last shred of sanity, I have been browsing through our beautiful vacation photos and grasping on to every small blip of encouragement I have come across. 
Like this one…
 
 
I love the carefree spirit and love I see embodied here.  It reminds my of my circle..my Bible study girls in particular…those friends who love me even when I am crazy and queen grumpy. They pray for me and hold my hand and tell me it’ll be ok. I can be completely real and tell them the truth about the crappy stuff and they’ll not “rat me out” or make my already fragile spirit feel unsafe. They do fun too. Our giggles are the best.
And they help me learn about resting…and waiting when I want to get my wonderwoman boots out and kick some butt.
 
 
 I love the memes and daily devotional style posts that come across facebook.  Ann Voscamp is among my favorites.  This one popped up this week at an intense moment where I wanted to curl up in a tiny ball, hide and weep.
 
 
I know it’s truth.  I’m learning to lay my head there. It ain’t easy…
 
 
 
And then there’s this photo….(shout out to my hubby who carried most of the weight of a hundred pounds of shells the what seems like 5 miles back from Shell Island.)
So much of the time when my boots come out, I am finding often that resting first is a better option.  This doesn’t mean that I never enter warfare or face the tough stuff head on. 
I happened to marry “Mr When I’m Not 100 % Sure What To Do, Don’t Do Anything”. It’s another one of those God designed gifts that drives me crazy.  But that’s another thought for another day.
The stuff that slammed us this week is no laughing matter.  It’s hard…yucky…nightmare material.  And the reactions we express now could mess certain relationships up for the rest of time.  It’s that serious. So when I’ve been tempted to rush in, I’m learning in some hard ways why at this moment resting and waiting is in all of our best interests.
 
 

In the process, I keep getting almost daily reminders of my worth and beauty before my father God who adores me beyond my comprehension. 
Like these wild ocean side grasses….
From far away they are plain and unappealing.  But close up, they have intricate beauty and detail.
What a place to rest.
 
Today the day started in tears, misunderstanding and great frustration and fear. But then God stepped in and in his typical great and amazing grace provided peace and rest.  I opened my face book to this reminder.
 
 
What a promise.
We are not required to, well actually the Bible commands us not to worry about the troubles of tomorrow. I’m real good at not obeying that particular command. But today I am choosing rest.
 
And you know how rest producing troubles often draw us closer to HIS heart…
 
 
With that season of rest, I am gifted time. 
Time to ponder…time to care for others via prayer and intercession.
So in my resting today, how can I pray for you?
You can comment here or message me if that’s easier.
 
                                          The road of life is easier when walked with a friend – unknown
 

2 years….Grieving Abby – Lessons I am learning in the process

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Ahhh. Here I am once more.  
I have been contemplating this post for some time and what I would share during this grief week, our time of remembering.
Because of my private fb grief blog, some of my thoughts have already been stated. There are those however that were just waiting to be spelled out here and now.
I can hardly believe we are at the 2 year mark already.  2 years of life being completely and totally turned upside down….     

For you who are new here, here are a few links that I may refer to as I go.  You should be able to click on them and be directed to the correct spot. 
Abby’s story which was viewed nearly 35,000 times and gave me a platform I never could have had other wise to share God’s care of us, shares the details of our precious 3 year old’s end of life which happened abruptly but in God’s perfect timing on July 15, 2014.
My face book grief blog is located here.  Some days I just refer to it as my personal wining space.  LOL.  You may ask to join at any time. There I share our family’s journey and some of the daily response to the effects of grief and how we continue trying to live…

Now on to the lessons grief has been teaching me.  (ha, I’m not some expert or anything) 

Lesson #1: Pain can produce positive.

Some days I have begged God to just write the lesson I need to learn in the big blue sky, so I can be done with the pain and crappy details that compose the current story of our life.  
But as I continue on the path, I am realizing that learning is not always peachy and how pain is indeed a precursor for positive change in my life. Duh.  You already knew that right?  I guess I’m just a slow learner.


“My grace is sufficient for you for my strength is made perfect in weakness”

Lesson #2: Theology can be twisted. 


I have ranted, huffed and puffed much about the things that well meaning souls have said that have been so painful in the midst of the deepest heart wrenching pain. 
 The statements that go something like this,  “There must not have been enough faith to heal her…”  and “this is God’s chastisement”  and ” there must be hidden sin in your life”.
Sigh.
I wonder sometimes why we as people (Christians especially) tend to show up in other’s times of pain with our pat answers,  judgement and critical spirits. While I do believe God does discipline us as his Kidos,  I also am beginning to grasp a deeper sense of the real truth that sometimes (well probably more like most of the time) pain and grief are not at all related to our misbehavior, mess-ups or failures.  Like, really. It ain’t about us at all.  It’s about HIM.
If we truly believe the scriptures, we see that sin entered the world right at the start and the consequences of that sin bring all the crappy stuff  (man! I use the word crappy a lot.) we know as pain, grief, sadness. 
Grief or any other crisis we may see is not the time to use the Bible as a tool for condemnation and judgement.
  Instead it is a time to watch for God’s glory and beauty to be displayed in the midst of the ugly.
I love the story in John where Jesus answers questions about why the blind man was blind from birth.  Jesus’s answer is simple, yet so profound. “It was NOT because of his sins or his parent’s sins Jesus answered. This happened so the power of God might be displayed in him.”


Lesson #3:  There is no grief time table or chart to mark off in the journey. There is no wrong way to grieve…..

Another duh. But here again, I’m amazed at all the places grief surprises me.  I had once heard said that the 2 year mark is a toughy.  I thought at the time that nothing could surpass the pain of the first weeks, months, year.  Who ever told me about this milestone was correct. At least that’s how it’s playing out for our family. 
 I’m amazed at the many different grief styles I have met. Some are so polished in their grief.  So put together.  Not the blubbering mess that I seem to be.  
I spent a great deal of last week on the couch.  Tears glistened at the surface at all times.  I cried openly at Costco. At church. While I was making supper.  In the process I felt a strange drawing to the corner of the attic where her tote sits.  Full to over flowing with all the pieces of her.  Her special clothes we all remember.  Her red Minnie Mouse dress, her fruit night gown, her 10 sizes to small purple swimsuit that I helped her into those few moments before she left for Heaven.  As I sat neatly folding and caressing each piece, the sobs shook my body in a way I hadn’t done for so long.  Sometimes a real good cry is all it takes. Suddenly, I felt ok.  Odd though it seemed. But that’s my grief.  Personal and real to me.  
And while I wish that I could follow a checklist and be done, I am learning to embrace the roar of grief instead and finding my peace in the process. 

“And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus”

Lesson #4: My pain is not the only pain our there.

Sometimes when I’m tempted to wallow I’m instead reminded to look around.    My friend Sara has been instrumental in helping me adjust my focus.  She’s never judgmental but shares positivity, joy and encouraging love. She challenged me to join #100daysofhappy where we document simple blessings via a photo each day.  I have so enjoyed the effect on my spirit that I didn’t stop at 100.  I am on day 108 currently.  
While I still have really down times, I feel more equipped to pop out of them quicker.  

“The joy of the Lord is my strength….”

Lesson #5:  Find your passion.

I am still learning about this one.  Sometimes I wonder which of the current experiences I live are grief related or simply facts of life and related to the age I’m at. You get my drift?
I have never been big about fundraising for any cause.  It was not my cup of tea.  But then my daughter died.  Suddenly instead of celebrating her birthdays and other milestones, we could only celebrate our memories. 
Ugh. 
Out of that the “Remembering Abby, Light up the Night” Memorial was born.  Each year on her birthday we remember the things that made her unique.  It gives us a format to honor her memory and the impact her short life made. And I am finding joy and passion in planning,  the excitement, and all the little details. It occupies our time for several months each year. Plus each year we can pick an organization that is making a difference in the world, our world! Our recipient this year will be the same as last, Amanda the Panda Family grief center. This organization is near and dear to hearts and has been an integral part of healthy grief for our family.  (You can read all about our grief camp weekend here.)
 We had hoped to raise $100 or maybe $1,000 but God saw fit to shine his blessings on last year and we were able to raise over $10,000!  That provides grief support to 10 families for a whole year. (The Des Moines Register did a beautiful write up  about the event and our family, complete with a video in the middle! )
The tremendous out pouring of love and support is huge in driving my passion for remembering her.
Each of us respond differently to pain.  For some passion may be played out in a much quieter way but can be equally helpful in the healing process. 
For more info on this years event which will be held September 17 visit our group fb page  2016 Remembering Abby – Light up the night

Lesson #6:   Prayer Rocks!

If there is one single thing that has been so very helpful for our family, it is this:  the prayers of the saints.  
Grief is uncharted and endless. The journey is hard. 
Many times I have felt the prayers as they rise, giving strength to my weary bones.  
It has changed my perspective on it’s importance and effectiveness.
So don’t ever say “well I can’t do anything else, so I will just pray”. That “just praying” is powerful stuff.


“And pray in the spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests with this in mind.  Be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.”

                                          —————

I don’t know what the rest of our story looks like.  
I do know we are starting to dream again.

I don’t know how the grief will continue to affect us.
I do know it will and that this life is our “new normal”.

I don’t know, some days,  how we will continue to survive and flourish.
I do know God will continue to hold us in the palm of his compassionate, loving hand in the process.

                                             —————

As the week continues, we will continue on the path grief has taken us on.  We will probably release her favorite red balloons and some chinese lanterns at some point as they will always represent her to us.  
You may see creepy “dead” photos of us holding her as she took her last breaths.  I never would’ve have ever thought those pics would be treasures.  They represent pain in the deepest sense but also represent her flying away where she is forever safe and resting with Jesus.  So thankful my sis had the mindset to take them…
I may continue down the sappy, weepy trail I’ve become so familiar with. Or joy may continue edging it’s way in.
Either way, I know I have a network, faithful friends, family and support from people who share compassion with us as we trudge along.

Thank you all for walking this journey along side us.



In memory of our little sparkling piece of heaven. 
Abby Marie
September 14, 2010 ~ July 15, 2014





Faithfulness

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Great is the Faithfulness O God my Father…

My 3rd child is 7 today. Alexia Magdalene.  Named after my mother. 
 I can not browse through the photos of her birth and the time surrounding with out a teensy bit of sad seeping through the cracks and crevices.  

 2008-2009…That was a hard time. The hardest I had known then.

 Lowell & I had just experienced loss in huge ways….our business, home and our marriage were broken, falling apart at the seams.  
At 8 months pregnant I went to stay with my parents under the pretense of wanting to give birth in one of those fabulous free standing birthing centers (that was the truth…) But I was hurting, beaten down and with out hope.  I spent most of the time carrying her in tears.  I wonder if that is part of her personality and brooding nature now. Even though God was at work, it was hard to see at times in those long 11 months we were apart. I didn’t know if God was going to do a miracle and save our marriage which lay in shambles. BUT, God was close.  Closer then I had experienced and I grew tremendously in Him that year. He has that habit…sneaking into the bad places where He seems the furthermost away and doing his redemptive work. 

We were in the minority of couples that are able to reconcile and continued on life’s road. Our reconciliation produced instant proof of God’s mercies when Abby was born 9 months after we got back together. Her name Father’s Joy was proof of God’s power and redemptive favor and joy in us and our growing little family.

As we have lived through the grief of losing Abby, we have seen time and time again how God’s faithfulness shines through. 
Alexia has been traumatized immensely in the loss of her younger sister and built in playmate and near twin (not quite 18 months separated them)
 Despite the grief she is a spunky darling bundle and brings much joy to our home even through her spots of melancholy. 


She is growing into quite the young lady.  She loves to spend time following me about, baking and cooking. She loves fairy tales and all things princess.
 She is silly and giggles and love.




So as we celebrate another year of the beautiful gift of her, we marvel again at the story that is being woven with her life and how God’s faithfulness is obvious.  
He truly is good and amazing in gifting us with the preciousness.
Happy Birthday Princess!



For Better of For Worse – Reflections on Marriage

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Disclaimer: I in no way an expert on marriage. 
 We as a couple, like many of you have walked thru some tough stuff  (financial calamity, separation, death of a child, illness in family) and have found God faithful.  I must write simply to get my racing thoughts out before my head explodes….Our history has brought hurting marriages to our door, seeking the hope we live.  These thoughts come from those interactions which come as a result of deep pondering and intimate searching in my own heart. 



When we married nearly 19 years ago we had no idea the roads we would walk. If you had told me then what I know now, I would not have believed that I could still live and live with joy with the man God has blessed me with. After all he was and remains my hunk, my knight in shining armor, the one I wanted to ask me out in the worst way, begging God to allow it to happen….  Are we perfect? Absolutely not.  We mess up.  We fight. (just ask our kids) But God has gifted us with truths that have come to us at the right times that have helped us make it through the crappy moments and I can truly say that despite all of the pain I am happier now then I have ever been.  I didn’t get there over night. And I still stray away from there…that happiness. BUT,  Love is so much more then emotion.
If I could put down on paper a list of truths that have helped us most, these would be on it. No specific rhyme or reason just my random thoughts coming out as they do, maybe not profound but specific in our process.

#1. Love is not a fairy tale:  (Duh, right?) As young girls, society puts a selfish twist on expectations.  What will make me feel good?  Who will do everything right for me? I am a princess… This is dangerous as it sets the grounds for much disappointment in marriage and results in many never marrying as that perfection can’t be found. Now before you turn me off completely let me say that romance is a gift to be treasured and happily ever after DOES exist.  My prince may not ride in on his sleek shiny stallion bearing roses and chocolate each week, but he does ride in bearing gifts, a new dish brush or broom or a block of my favorite Muenster 
cheese.

#2. Laugh together, MUCH!  About a year ago my man came home from work all excited about a you tube clip his buddy had shown him.  I was nearly to busy to watch and could have completely squelched his excitement.  He had found the series, “Laugh Your Way To A Better Marriage”.  This has been huge for us.  We have learned so much about each other and have re established laughter in our home on a daily basis. Laughter is healing. It may not be this series that helps you but please find something that you can do together that makes you laugh…


#3.Take the time to hold hands:  Case in point.  One of our counselors made us do that many a moon ago.  You can’t really continue to fight if you hold hands.  And it’s fun too.  The other night, we had 2 hours completely alone that of course had to be filled with glorious stops like Aldi and Walmart.  Not having any little hands to hold brings nice opportunity…and togetherness.


#4.Study the Bible: We all know this.  But it is easier suggested then done. Sometimes when one is raised in a society saturated with the Bible, one can be lazy.  That’s me anyhow,  But the Bible has wisdom. Divine wisdom, about life, love, marriage.  And tho it would be nice to see handwriting in the sky, we have truth in our hands. That word has shown us much.  This is an area that has long disturbed me.  The women that sit with me, opening their hearts and their pain, revealing the less then Godly situations they live in, a great percentage of them are tormented by the scriptures that are picked apart and not taught as a whole. These are the ones who live with abuse whether it be physical, emotional or mental. The “wives submit” verse is hammered but the “submit yourselves one to another” and “husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church” are largely ignored. Lowell and I don’t necessarily study together but we often discuss what God is showing us in HIS word.  In our personal situation Lowell’s new found salvation has made all the difference in the world…. 


#5.  Be a cheeerleader: While Lowell & I are not necessarily on the same page on all issues or even our hobbies, we have found that stuff flows much more smoothly when we jump on each others bandwagons. He may not appreciate the energy my “causes” (events, pets etc) take but he supports me whole heartedly by taking care of the kids, offering muscle power and telling me “I can do it..”  In return, while I may not agree with his choices,  hunting, or the current political candidate he supports etc, I engage him in conversation about what he LOVES to talk about and try to join him in action as well. 


#6.  Establish your own family unit: This is a tough one.  Sometimes the apron strings are well secured. Extended family is a gift, but one that must be kept in balance. When we say “I do” we are now a unit, a family, me & you. Finding correct levels of interaction can be challenging and we must always use kindness and respect but for us setting boundaries that protect our “me & you” has been vital to growth and health in “us”.

#7. Encourage Friendship: Friendship is vital for health in marriage. Not only do I need female friendship that helps me use up my quota of daily words and emotions but He needs time to just do guy stuff.  It make “us” work better as long as we surround ourselves with upbuilding and encouraging people who are passionate about our marriage flourishing.  Ultimately God is the only one who can fill the voids we feel, but friendships designed by him can aid in the process. 



#8. Cherish the Gift:  How does one treat an antique heirloom or piece of value? We care for it, making every effort to insure that it is kept safely, not  scratched or dented or broken.  Our marriages are like that gift.  They are meant to be treasured, to be kept safe, protected. If I view Lowell in the correct context, I easily remember. He is my gift.  My treasure.  I am blessed!

Present for the Presents

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I love a good play on words.
Well I really just love words period.
I love how much better I feel when I can simply release, get the words that are pounding on the door of my soul out into the atmosphere.
Not that they are always profound or meant to change the world.  But they do. They change my world. My little corner of space. My canvas.  My place…
I started this blog as a means to cherish and record the moments of my life that though seemingly small are significant in the big picture.
Then grief came. And the darkness descended on those moments and I wondered if I would ever see the beauty in them again.
It does that.  That monster.
 Grief changes everything.
I thought I understood it before.
 Back in those infertility years when God seemed to be with holding the very thing I just knew I needed to be who He had created me to be.  A mommy.  I grieved the years I saw as “wasted”. That in between space where I spent hours consumed with the disillusionment I felt deep in my soul.
Then came the exhaustion of 4 babies in 4 years and the falling in love with each one as God gifted them to us.  The she died. And the grief I thought I knew all about became a silly side note in the overcoming deep ocean of continuous hammering on my soul. I had loved, opening my heart to a little soul who, despite the spunky annoyances she often presented, wormed her way into the deepest crevice of my heart.  My grief of yonder year was abstract, obsolete in the crashing waves of having loved.
Since then my crusade and mission has been to make the best of the mess, make lemons into sweet lemonade, see the beauty in the crap.  Sorry that may sound rough and uncouth. But its there deep inside and sometimes it just comes rumbling out.  I am like a broken record. I hear the sighs, the complaints, the mumble grumbling from weary mamas who think their season of hardships will never end.
The baby won’t sleep……  I wish I had a baby to sit and hold.
Diapers are so expensive.  I am sure the kid will be in diapers in kindergarten……  I wish I still had someone to buy diapers for.
I can’t wait till my kid goes off to school…….  I wish I still had my little someone here to bug me…
Now don’t get me wrong.  I know mommy hood is among the most exhausting, frustrating yet freakishly awesome task.  I know the seasons that are ever so short seem like they take years.
I am no saint.  I still yell at my kids.  I still need breaks and mommy time. But my perspective has revolved into something I would not have come around to had I not experienced the love/loss cycle.
I have lost track of the amount of times I have challenged mamas to go hug their children.
But that is what it boils down to.
It’s what counts. It’s being present with our children.  Truly present.  Sometimes that is hard. Very hard.  A fellow grieving mama recently asked me if I can enjoy my remaining children.  Her words struck a core deep inside.  It has seemed like life is over shadowed. But we must go on living.
Not only do they, but we also deserve to live in joyful moments.  Life isn’t pie in the sky.  Sometimes though the deliciousness of something sweet brings the reality of joy back around.
Those moments. They aren’t always happy.
But they deserve cherishing.
They will soon be memories.
I wanna make them good ones….
So through all that rambling I get back to the whole play on words – I want to truly be present to enjoy the presence of the presents God has gifted me with.

Remembering

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“He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. Is 61:3″

6 months ago tonight I lay on a cold hard hospital bed surrounded by wires, stroking the sweet soft face of my beautiful 3 year old daughter.  I could only handle a few moments being there with her before the urge to flee took over and I would take a break out in the waiting area while our dear pastor Leon and his wife stayed faithfully by her side.  The stench of death tickled my nostrils while all the beeping from the many machines pounded like drums in my head. They were playing soft loving songs, lullabies..songs that you sang as you lovingly held your child and rocked them to sleep, not to be heard as one lay there waiting for one’s child to die.
Here are some excerpts from my facebook post from that fateful night….
i really have no words for the pain and the giant hole in my very soul. My baby girl Abby Marie is laying in a hospital bed all full of wires and tubes and fighting for her very life. Around 11:15 i helped her get dressed in her swim suit as she wanted to go swimming with the big kids. The next moments are a blur and the horror of the day keeps replaying in my mind as I try to lay down to sleep.
Please rest they say…I can’t seem to close my eyes.
In about 2 hours (4 am CST) they plan to take her paralytic meds off and then do a brain activity test. So far they are saying there is none there, tho her heart is beating on its own. I can not tell you how awesome your prayers and support have been so far. People have come from everywhere and a group of women (1/2 I had never met) arrived at 1 am to have a prayer meeting.
My brain is jumbled but I don’t think I have ever felt such peace in the midst of such tragedy. We have repeatedly placed her into the hands of the one who gave her life and while we totally 100% that HE could really show off and do some major miracles we also know that Heaven could be so much sweeter with her there.
If you continue remembering us in your prayers, some specifics are:
**Grace, peace and supernatural strength for the moments ahead with the decisions we will be facing (we have been asked about organ donation and she is a viable candidate to gift someone with her heart at this point)
**Supernatural peace and healing of trauma for our 3 three precious ones who actually puled her out of the water and came to tell me she had (in their words) drowned.
**our continued ability to trust even when our world is crashing in around us….


Then came the morning and the moment we were dreading but waiting for, saying goodbye, which is truly more heart wrenching then can be penned with words. It is a feeling I will never ever forget and most sincerely hope God will not ask me to experience again. It makes me want to vomit just thinking of it.

Then she was gone. (You can read the blog here and see the funeral photo journals here)
Her 3 years went by way to quickly.  The time that has passed since drags on. 6 months.  1/2 of a year.  Forever….
 Grief is exhausting. All of us are grieving so differently. Lowell is quiet and pensive at times only occasionally expressing through tears.  Recently when someone mentioned her to us, he remarked later that he wondered why they didn’t know we are only trying to forget and don’t wish to be reminded.  I on the other hand am a constant fountain.  I cry to random strangers and tell them my daughter just died. I am all about hugs and remembering. I write and ramble in public ways and speak to groups when asked. 
 Her story must be told.  Her life is not meaningless and goes on and just as she did when she was here with us she goes on touching people’s lives.  Recently someone commented to us how they still can not comprehend how someone so young and so small could make such an impression on everyone she met.  That was our baby.  That is our Abby…precious angel.
  Today our friend Janet brought roses, 6 of them in Abby’s favorite pink in red vase which makes us all think of her fire and spunk.
This is the same Janet Abby named her baby doll after.  
How she loved that rather homely doll with the very strange eyes….
How does one get over death and those last moments, last kisses, last wishes and the dreams that went flying out the window (not to mention the creepy dead child photos)? 
 For Kali, the memories are almost to painful to absorb.  Some days we can be just fine, the next the world is dark and grey with no happy anywhere. She told me today “mama our house is just so sad…everywhere I look I “see” Abby.”  Yes Honey, I know. I know.
I am thankful for the change of scenery, snow and our camper,  out the window, the last view I had of her.  I watched the little purple swimsuit make a wild dash to join her siblings and ignored the quiet urge to just go out with her.  What if I had?  What if I hadn’t been so busy?…
But we can’t go there.  What if’s are a waste of time and energy. Time moves on. I say “I love you” much more freely though I am ashamed to admit how grumpy and impatient I get with my loved ones. 
Hunter is the easy going one.  Everything is factual and he is often off in his own little world recalling things randomly that I have no recollection of. He has recently started being a bit more expressive about his sadness but always rebounds in a quick way to his carefree happy self.
Alexia too remembers random things and talks the most about missing her playmate, bossy one she was. 
Daily we remember.
We remember her bright smile that lit the world around her and her loud rambunctious tone demanding what she thought was due her. And begging mama to take her photos…true treasures now!
We remember her little friends (this is one of the last photos I took of her) and how she prayed for them all by name every night. “Thank you Jesus for Maggie and Leah and Scarlett and Vidalia and Analiese….”

We remember that she is in a place of perfection and joy and we sure talk about Heaven a lot more then we ever did before.
We embrace the difference her life made and the legacy of her great big love for Jesus she left behind.  I am thankful daily for the number of souls that have been brought to Jesus as a result of her passing.  Her daddy’s salvation has truly been a crown of beauty in the midst of the heavy grief and I am thankful for the joyous blessing and promise of Heaven in the midst of our mourning.  I may not be quite to the festive praise part yet but I am confident Joy will once again reign in our midst right on the coat tails of our remembering.
Missing you baby girl…
In case you missed it here is the Tribute played at her funeral.
We are also in the process of getting the funeral dvd put on You tube for anyone who is interested in seeing it.  If you care to follow my personal journey of grief on face book  Remembering Abby page. It is set to private/closed group so that I know you really want to be there.  Send me a request and I will gladly add you.  The page has grown much bigger then I anticipated and has been a huge source of blessing to me, bringing prayer support and providing friendship links I would not have experienced otherwise.
Thank you for your love and friendship and for reading my ramblings!

Celebrating Abby ~ a Photo Journal of her Funeral week events ~ July 19, 2014 (Group 2)

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I had so many wonderful photographers show up to help us remember the moments of Abby’s celebration.  Each one is taken from a bit of a different view point and each one has been equally special to us.
This grouping was taken by my dear friend, Natalie Yutzy.
She came to our home for our special perfect night of lantern lighting, an event especially for the young ones.  It was reminiscent of another movie favorite of Abby’s – Tangled where there were lanterns lit each year in memory of the lost princess. It was very symbolic to us as a family of us releasing her spirit heavenward.  Many family and friends gathered in our yard and we watched together and at the end sang “Safe in the Arms of Jesus”

She also captured our fabulous service committee and their helpers hard at work preparing the delicious meal which is one of my favorite (total comfort food) – fresh green beans and scalloped potatoes with ham.
Our church family is awesome!
The rest of these pretty much speak for themselves….
Thanks again for watching out for us Natalie! Love you!
During the service Hunter got all worried about not having Abby’s “lid” open again so the funeral directors opened the casket out at the graveyard for us to have one final peek….Good bye sweet one

Legacy of a Perfect Marriage (In an imperfect world)

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We just got back from a week of celebrations.

The first was that of my parent’s 40th wedding anniversary.  They rented a home on our family’s favorite beach, Edisto Island, SC.  All of my siblings and the grandchildren were present.

 We spent time playing in the sand and the water, building sand castles and catching sharks.  It was the first time my children had seen the ocean.

  It was pretty much magical.  It took me back to my own childhood and the many fun times my parents created for us.  Their marriage wasn’t with out flaws but they showed us love and mirrored God to us in their daily lives.

Secondly Lowell and I got to spend a few days in Charleston which is where we went on our honeymoon almost 17 years ago.  Our honeymoon was shortened due to me getting a horrid case of sun poisoning where I swelled up like a balloon and turned various shades of purple and pink plus I was incredibly nauseated and fevered.  We left after only a day or two saying we would come back again in a few years and do a more thorough tour of the town. When the decision was made to head to Edisto we jumped on the chance to send the children home with my parents so we could indeed go back.
We spent the time touring the old town, visiting a plantation and of course going back to the one place we did get to on our honey moon ~ Patriot’s Point and the USS Yorktown. Plus we stayed at a weird B & B with a bossy European hostess (but that’s a whole other story)

Honeymoon ~ June 1997
We decided to skip the big bucks and take a selfie on this trip
2nd honeymoon ~ May 2014
Life has been interesting these last almost 2 decades.  We had some great times, very happy times. We had some sad and painful times too. Since we had so many years of infertility we were able to do some traveling and even lived for a period of time in the beautiful sunny tropical Haiti.  As is probably the truth for many marriages we learned a lot of things about each other that were awesome and then we learned some that were anything but awesome.  But God was and continues to be faithful even in the midst of pain and trial just as we see and feel Him in the midst of joyful life experiences.
If you were to ask me what have been some of the biggest learning experiences of my life as a married woman (which will sooner rather then later be almost half my life) it would boil down to a few basic thoughts.
#1. Our marriage’s life story has to be OURS, not our parent’s or our friend’s or the marriage expert’s down the street.  While we can learn from those before and around us, we are unique and specially created and perfectly designed for the person God put us with.  Instead of comparing and competing we must look for the wonderfuls in us and live the moments to the fullest.
One of those moments…flying over the Charleston Harbor ~ Yes I was scared
 I would fall out but the “wonderfulness factor” of the moment was greater then my fear
#2. Don’t allow ANYTHING to drive a wedge.  One of the most painful periods of our marriage was our 11 month separation.  We had just experienced tremendous financial loss that took our home, our car, our dignity and almost took our marriage.  As they say hindsight is always 20/20 and I can see now that contrary to how I felt then,  I did carry equal blame for the split.   I took the pain I felt from a huge life event (told earlier in this blog-The Value of Women in the Church)  
and closed my heart to my man, allowing the wedge to be driven deeper.  Although Lowell had some pretty huge issues too, I had choices. As do we all.
#3. Other’s marriages may not always be how they appear.  If we are honest, real and transparent we will indeed see that all of us face struggles as well as joy. I know I am much more perceptive of pain in others and their marriages then I was before I experienced my own deep pain.  We also learned first hand how important it is to rally support for marriages in pain instead of choosing sides with one person over the other.  During our separation many well meaning people chose one of us over the other to “stand with”/”support”.   The pain from that fact still surfaces in random ways sometimes. 
For me,  because I was considered to be the rebellious and erring one in the community we currently reside in, I still face that attitude and spirit from time to time and have to admit it still causes pain.  It doesn’t matter here that I “left” my marriage for a season (temporary being the goal!) of healing on the recommendation of a Christian counselor I was seeing. Many promises were made to get me to “come back”.  Sadly many of those were never kept.
 Before our separation many considered our marriage to be great/role model material and it was, but we had struggles too and when the fire came we needed loving support not judgement and criticism.  Marriage is SO worth fighting for and so much of the time the things we see are not how things really are and what is really needed is true compassion and care and loads of prayer.
#4. Laugh More  ~ One of the things that has been instrumental in the healing process of our marriage is realizing that life is too short to be grumpy.  Sometimes when I find myself all uptight and stressed out, I set out to find things to laugh about.  There is a reason why Proverbs says a cheerful heart is good medicine.
I don’t have specific ideas of how our legacy will play out in the lives of our children but if there is one thing I want them to know and remember above all is that God perfectly designed and hand picked our family and their parent’s marriage and that He is indeed perfection in a broken and im-perfect world.
**thanks much to our own Evonda Braswell for the photos!  
My Love & I at the Mangolia Plantation (a must visit place!)

Cause I love you

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A few weeks ago I was pouring over some financial goals I was working on when I felt led to talk to my Father God about it.  My prayer went something like this ” Dear God, I am trying to honor you with my finances.  You see the bigger picture and all but I am sitting here thinking I could really use $200. You know what I really need and so I want to trust you but here is my heart…” I sat there smiling afterwards feeling oddly at peace and (shamefully) thinking yes, God could but why would He need to?
Yesterday in the middle of my afternoon sessions, the postman came to the door with a box of things I had ordered.  On the top was my stack of mail, fliers, bills and a pretty yellow envelope with my name on it.  I couldn’t wait till the session was over so I tore it open and guess what fell out! A check made out to me in the amount of $200!  In the memo the sender had written “cause I love you”.
Now I am not trying to over spiritualize or embarrass the sender but this to me was my miracle straight from God.  Not only did He answer in exactly the way I had requested He sent me a message in the memo also.
He doesn’t always answer my prayers in this way but this time He knew how very much I needed that message at that exact moment and just because not only does the sender love me but the God who created the universe loves me and enjoys blessing me with fun things.

In other “news” spring really may be coming after all!  Yippie Skippie!

Surprises & Miracles

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I always get extra sentimental at this time of the year. This week is Kali’s birthday. All of our children are special gifts but her birthday always takes me on a trip down memory lane…bear with me if you’ve heard this before.  
As a child and even as a teen when ever asked what I was going to be when I grew up, my heartfelt answer was always “I want to be a mom”.  When Lowell and I got married we both assumed we would be married a year or so and then start having babies.  We soon found out it was much more complicated then that. Fertility testing and endless scrutiny medically left us wondering how anyone can get pregnant as there are so many endless factors that have to be in place before conception can happen.  When months turned into years and the pain of infertility slapped us in the face every where we turned we resigned ourselves to being a family of two, a fact so often mis spoken by many well meaning souls.  “So when are you two gonna have a family?”  AHEM, we are a family who happens to be unable to add children to the mix. We traveled on fun anniversary trips and did things we enjoyed.  Mean while our friends were having babies, some of them quite rapidly and moved on into the crazy child rearing years.  We weren’t there and yet we weren’t single anymore either.  Where did we fit. We considered adoption.  Lowell wasn’t ready to commit to that so we went on with life.
I wrote then too.  I have a  journal full of devotionals I wrote meant to encourage women who were in the waiting game just like me.  I facilitated an infertility support group and wrote a newsletter for couples. Church was hard. Mother’s day became a huge point of torment for my tired soul.  Baby dedications were huge joyous events that excluded me. When was God going to hear and answer my prayers?  
We tried all the herbs and potions and relaxed (which BTW is the most ridiculous advice ever to give to someone waiting).  We had every medical procedure we could afford and still we waited.
In 2005 we went out on a limb and bought a business we planned to do together till we were old and gray. About that time I was invited to a ladies meeting where much to my chagrin a very pregnant lady was  to be one of the guest speakers.  (yup, pregnant women were out to get me…)  I sat there holding back the tears and hoping I wouldn’t have to be any where really close to her thru the whole long night.  Well, God in his infinite wisdom decided to put me into the evening prayer group with none other then HER!  I lost it. Being the blunt person I am I flat out told her how I felt.  The next moments are a blur, but I remember her laboring to get down on her knees in front of me, 8 month pregnant belly and all and began to pray for God to heal my deep pain and grant the desires of my heart.  The other women in the group were weeping with me and began to prophecy (yeah that was a bit freaky for a conservative Mennonite).  One of them saw a vision of a tree that had been cut off.  In each of the rings she saw green shoots coming forth.  She told me she felt God was going to have me be fruitful as that tree either physically or spiritually. At this point I was kind of skeptical of prayer really working for us as many well meaning people had prayed and spoken encouraging words over us over the years. I had often promised and bargained with God that if He granted my desire that I would share the story with the world.  However this time was different. I felt different.  I was free.  Mother’s day was a few weeks later. I went to church and didn’t feel like crying my eyes out.  My friend had a baby. I took her a meal AND a big gift basket (something I had not been able to do joyfully before!) and I enjoyed myself.
In the end of July I flew to Phoenix to spend a weekend with my siblings.  I vomited the whole flight.  I get car sick but this was over the top. The flight attendants finally brought me a black garbage bag.  As we were getting off the flight one of them sympathetically said “Honey are you sure you’re not pregnant?” to which I emphatically responded, “There is NO way”.   
When I got home my tummy was still not very happy so I decided to take yet another pregnancy test.  I could’ve owned stock in the company by this time and should have figured out a way to buy in bulk.  Low and behold as I waited, two pink lines showed up in the spot where there was always just the lone one.  I nearly fainted and quickly ran over to work to show Lowell.  We were in shock.  The pregnancy was amazing and scary and wonderful.  I ended up with major surgery in my seventh month due to a torsioned ovary which resulted in lots of preterm labor and frightening stays in the hospital afraid we would lose our precious miracle God was finally blessing us with.
Now it was really me getting to have a pregnant belly.

It was finally me feeling the growing life inside of me.  It was finally me getting to walk thru a process I had dreamed of so long.  The birth process was unlike anything I had imagined but we had our baby.  Lowell couldn’t believe we really had a girl!  She was the first in his Miller family in over 70 years.
Our family had expanded in such a miraculous way!  At long last we were parents.  What a rush!
Then came life with a baby.  It was “our turn” at baby dedication.
I got flowers on Mother’s day.
My dreams had become reality.  Most people with the condition I have (PCOS) do eventually go on to get pregnant. I am blessed to have been in that number.  I have friends however who did not get their prayers answered in the specific way I did. Some have gone on to adopt, which is such a wonderful calling and special gift to the many children in need of families.  Some got pregnant.  Some still have empty arms.  My heart aches because I remember their pain.  I  can close my eyes and remember exactly how I felt and honestly some days even tho I am in the hecticness called parenting I still have to pinch myself to make sure this is really happening to me. 
God does have a sense of humor and chose to surprise us 3 additional times making us parents to 4 miracles in a short span of 4 years.  This year marks Kali’s 8th year of life and after the previous 8 years of infertility I remain in awe at the many miracles God does daily and am reminded of my promises to Him those many years ago…To HIM be the glory!  He alone is good and capable of granting the desires of our hearts!