Category: relationships

The Epilogue….Healing

Posted on by admin

It has been one week since I wrote the heaviest material I have ever penned.
One amazing week. One beautiful week filled with healing that I didn’t even know I needed. One week of take your breath away moments with my husband spent recovering, as it were, from the years of pain that had put up huge walls in our marriage, walls that I didn’t even know existed.
It hasn’t been all glorious.  There has been pain and lots of tears. There have definitely been a lot of moments of humbling and swallowing pride and fear.
I wish I could have been bold right away and sought out the healing help I so desparetly needed right then and there.  But that’s how pain often works.  We hide.  We fear.  We suffer and so do all the relationships around us.
God is so amazing and is waiting to bring us healing and growth if we can only put aside ourselves and our inhibitions and fears of the what ifs. My story and the walk thru my personal healing is just beginning and I am not all that excited about the things yet to come, but I am confident that God will continue to walk beside me every step of the journey.
I want to thank each one of you who have been praying for me this week and  for the meaningful words and heartfelt encouragement.  Last week’s blog was my most read ever.  That blows me away. Others have been expressing their hidden pain to me and are now starting their process too.  This is how Christ’s body is supposed to work.  When someone is hurting, the others in the body hurt too. “Bear ye one another’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ”
Thanks for not passing judgement and for helping to spear head the process of my first step in this painful journey. Thank you for continuing to pray for the steps I still have to take and that I may be able to pass along Christ’s love to the ones who are expressing their own needs of healing.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart….

 This picture is not my work.  The title of it struck me.  It is simply entitled “Healing Peace”

The Value of Women in the Church

Posted on by admin

I sit here a bundle of nerves at the task I have given myself for the moment.  I love to write. I love people. I love to encourage people, especially hurting ones.

 Something has been brewing in my soul and I have been formulating for a while how to share.
Why not on a blog where the “whole world” can see it?
BUT…What if it doesn’t come out how I meant?
What if I end up hurting someone with the words I feel so compelled to share?
After all I am not an expert.
Since this incident turned my life upside down, my life has changed.
I have been referred to as that fiery Mennonite feminist.
I don’t really cherish that title and am not a feminist in the typical sense of going out and fighting for equal wages and joining protests stating that women can work just as hard and as well as men.
I am a stay at home mom and I love it.
I don’t long for the corporate life or an escape from my children (tho sometimes it is nice to go to the restroom by myself).
There is however a side of me that has been referred to in negative connotations as feminist, that gets all rowled up at the sad injustice happening to women in our so called Christian churches.
These are women who are being told their place is not as “valued” as their head of the home husband’s.
They are the young women shouldering “the blame” trying to pickup the pieces after the horror of a sexual assault and enduring constant questioning about what she did to bring it on.
Women like me.
Now before I proceed let me say that I believe very strongly in God’s design for family authority structure. It’s there in black and white in God’s word.
What isn’t in the Bible is respecter of persons.
God loves us ALL, male and female, and longs for relationship with us, with ME.

Over a decade ago, a nightmarish experience happened to me.
Someone I trusted as a Grandfatherly figure (think 30 – 40 years my senior), a well known very much married man in my anabaptist denomination, showed up at my door in the middle of the day when husband was at work and forced his way into my home, my personal private space and attempted to force himself on me physically.
When the overtaking intense fear finally subsided for a brief moment I was able to free myself from his grip and push him out the door.
I locked all the doors in my home, pulled the shades and scrubbed myself with bleach trying to wash away his scent, his touch and the horrid memories he left behind.
When I stopped shaking enough to dial the phone I immediately began calling, hoping to connect with someone who could comfort me and help me understand the trauma I had just experienced.
I wanted to hide.
I wanted to rewind and erase the moments that had seemed so endless.
In those moments I desperately needed love, affirmation and care for my wounded soul.
But everywhere I turned….there I was met instead with the accusations,  “what did you do to make him do that to you?”
**I need to clarify that this was not the response of everyone I opened up to.
Over the years things have happened that bring those awful memories back to the surface.
Sometimes someone is making off the wall statements like how women can fight off attackers if they really want to.
Sometimes I meet HIM at functions.
I want to vomit and re-live those moments like they just happened.
When this happens,  I talk about them for awhile again to certain friends and sometimes random acquaintances then I carefully put them back into their neat little box in the deepest corner of my heart until the next time something triggers the awful memories of those moments.
Over Christmas time we sat in a discussion with some friends and ka pow! there it came again.
This time I am wondering if I have properly dealt with it and the horrible guilt and shame that accompanies it.
There are so many questions.
Do I need to confront the offender?
Take it to the church again?
What if he is continuing in his sinful activities and is hurting others?
What about his grown children and grandchildren.
Has he violated them?
I am married to a Godly man who shares with me and attempts to help me see how sexual issues really are for men.
Temptation is real and sexual issues are not just a big deal to men.
Women are tempted too.
All to often though, sexual issues are embarrassing, ugly and no one wants to deal with them because we can all fall.
So we do nothing or as little as possible.
This is my beef with the church as I see it.
It seems there is no balance, either stuff is criminalized or swept beneath the rug.
There needs to be more teaching on right and wrong behavior.
When things happen they need to be dealt with Biblically and the Bible is pretty blunt on this stuff and puts a pretty heavy load on men “For if a man looks at a woman with lust in his eye he has committed adultery in his heart with her already” 
Sexual sin, no matter the nature, is no small matter to the God who created us!
It behooves me to more intense prayer for the men in my life and in my church family. We are all in this together.
What does this all have to do with value of women in the church you might ask.
I seriously believe there is a direct connection with the lack of growth in today’s churches.
When women are faced with pain such as I experienced they need to be met with love and care, not disdain.
When inappropriate things come up in church life they must be faced with diligence and be dealt with.
Pushing things under the rug, especially things of sexual nature teaches the younger generations, in essence, that women are of lesser value and that living out the sins we are tempted with is ok especially if no one finds out.
I know now that the man that violated me had a past history of sinful habits.
What if someone had mentored him when he was young and formidable and taught him the truth of God and his ways to finding victory in the area of sexual purity?
As I stated earlier I am not the expert.
I don’t have some secret agenda.
I don’t have all the answers but I happen to know the Creator of the universe who has a direct relationship with me and He does have the answers.
I pray you hear my heart.
I am hoping in sharing something this personal that I can perhaps bring healing, validation – VALUE to someone else who may be secretly struggling with deep hurts in their heart.
“For we are God’s Masterpiece.  He created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things HE planned for us long ago.  Ephesians 2:10 NLT “
Epilogue:
This blog was written in 2014.  Upon it’s release, several local Godly pastors contacted my husband and offered to help me/us work thru the trauma.  They stood in place for the God’s church as a whole reaching out to help me find healing.  Unfortunately, our youngest daughter Abby went to heaven soon there after so this matter still stays in an unresolved state.
I have come to peace since, though I still wonder how my life could have been different had things been handled appropriately.
 I am now an advocate for others who have lived similar stories in similar environments.
My predator is still alive but no longer cognitive and able to hurt me or others….




 

Incomparable

Posted on by admin

Our Sunday School lesson today really got to my heart.  When I began my study process for it,  (I teach one of the ladies’ classes which on a side note are a super awesome group!) I was honestly kind of dreading it as the current sessions are from Isaiah which happens to be one of the books of the Bible not all that high on my favorites list. But when I began the reading part which came from chapter 40 I was blown away by how much of it was written exactly for me, right now, in this week in 2013, in the cold mid western winter which happens to be my least favorite season. (grumpy Grinch!)
I had one of those weeks.  Not only on top of my already crazy hectic schedule of homeschooling and my reflexology clients, did I make many trips back and forth to the hospital with my sweet mom in love (a new term I have fallen very much in like with – I am Alta Miller’s daughter in love) but various ones of my children decided it was the perfect week to get their lungs full of that nasty cough which is ugliest whenever one tries to lay down to sleep something one really needs when dealing with stress.  After 1 full night and most of another spent in the ER and at the hospital trying to wrap my brain around all the details of Alta’s issues I was so looking forward to/planning on catching up on rest which is usually a realistic goal since my baby is now 3.  That “plan” did not work out so well and my whole first night “home” was spent trying to keep my 4 year old’s cough from completely gagging her which in essence took about 3/4 of the night so no catching up there.  At one point in the pitch black as our child continued to sound as if she was coughing up her lung,   I rested my bone weary head on my hands and informed  my hubby that I don’t think God is hearing my prayers. I began to focus on and question everything that wasn’t in perfect order in my life and man let me tell you I can come up with quite the grumpy list….”Why did God make me wait so long to have these beautiful babies?– practically EVERYONE knows that the case load is to heavy with the combination of young ones and elderly parents”   “Why would God take some one like the 15 year old that was killed in our area recently and leave the my ailing MIL whose quality of life has dramatically been altered and who is longing to go on to her Elmer?”  “and why of all things couldn’t God keep my children healthy in a time when I really need them to be.  I mean we try and take care of our health, we don’t eat gobs of junk food AND we take vitamins.”   You get my drift….
Here is where Isaiah 40 comes in.   Verse 6 in the NLT says  People are like grass that dies away.  Their beauty fades as quickly as the beauty of the flowers in the field.  Then come verses 7 & 8 which say
The grass withers and the flowers fade beneath the breath of the Lord. And so it is with people.  The grass withers and the flowers fade but the word of our God stands forever.
So in other words, I am like a fading flower.  My self centered focus is but a fleeting breath in the broader spectrum of God’s big picture.  And yet HE is forever! His word stands when all around us is falling apart.
I read on and came to my very favorite verses in the whole chapter, verse 11 – He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart.  He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young. (Yup that’s me!)
The chapter goes on the very next verse to emphasize the incomparable qualities of God.  Who else has held the oceans in his hand?  Who has measured the heavens with his fingers?….all the nations of the world are nothing in comparison to him. They are but a drop in the bucket, dust on the scales….in his eyes they are less then nothing–mere emptiness and froth.  To whom then, can we compare God?…He is the one who spreads out the heavens like a curtain and makes his tent from them….
Then comes the end verses we all know well.  Verse 29 – He gives power to those who are tired and worn out (that would be me this week) He offers strength to the weak.  Even the youths (I am pushing 40 here!) will become exhausted and young men will give up.  But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like Eagles (Have you seen an eagle lately?  Their wingspan is huge!) They will run and not grow weary (even when sleep deprivation takes over and becomes all consuming…JUST.give.ME.my.bed.leave.me.alone.AND.no.one.gets.HURT) They will walk and not faint…
Not only has this chapter given me a fresh perspective right when I needed it most it has brought just another reminder of how blessed I really am in being the daughter of the creator of the universe who is so much bigger and able then I can comprehend!  As for the hearing my prayers part, verse 27 says this – How can you say the Lord does not see your troubles?  How can you say God refuses to hear your case? …the Lord is the everlasting God, (yup HE is still God even when at the end of my already crazy hectic week my 4 year old shows up with pneumonia)  the Creator of the earth….He never grows faint or weary (even when one of his specks of dust is constantly complaining about how awful her beautiful pretty much perfect life is!)
So as I set off on a fresh new week my prayer is that my pouty list stays short (or non existent) and that I fully lean on my incomparable, amazing, all powerful Father who just happens to be creator of the universe!

On another more chipper note, we attempted to take family pictures this week.  The results were not all that fabulous but hey we preserved the memories of having the kidos in their pretty Christmas duds.

                             

My man & I 
our 4 precious gifts 
(I still have to pinch myself some days when it dawns on me that my long years of infertility really are over!)
not frame worthy perhaps but you “get the picture”  😉

Blogging was a new venture for me this year and I am enjoying it much tho I am sporadic at it. Thanks to you my readers for reading my stuff as I attempt to share my heart.  I love writing. It is therapy and I always have said I would write if not a soul read it.  However if I can share something that is encouraging or uplifting to you on your journey that, in the words of my favorite Duck Dynasty, makes me Happy, Happy, Happy!  Merry Christmas to you and yours!

Housework vs. Hospitality

Posted on by admin

I am people person.  Yes sometimes I need peace and total quiet but those who really know me best know I thrive on relationship and being around/with people.  I love having guests and enjoy being spontaneous.  However my life has changed quite drastically over the past 8 years.  I have never been that spotless housekeeper who washes her walls, wood work and windows religiously every spring and fall but during our 8 years of married life and keeping my own house prior to babies the way I kept house was dramatically different from the home we live in now. Stuff stayed put and mostly clean and in order.  While I am thankful in deep ways for the 4 beautiful ones who leave wet dirty underware in the clean towel cupboard and color to big a spot of their favorite color front and center on the living room wall (sorry bout that Phil & Bert) or leave cracker crumbs under the couch,  it HAS drastically changed the way we invite guests into our humble abode.  One time recently I was brave enough to invite last minute guests for Sunday lunch.  While part of the group was gracious about the sticky marks on the chairs, one dear soul, with disdain written across her face, came and got my dish cloth to clean the salt and pepper shakers.  I know she was probably trying to help but it was so very humiliating not to mention embarrassing.  Needless to say, I was slightly paranoid about the rest of the meal and extra nervous about how the kids behaved.  We survived and often as I think back to the event I pondered what God might be trying to teach me and how He actually looks at this whole cleanliness thing.  As I looked thru the Bible for the cleanliness is next to Godliness verse, which by the way isn’t there, I came across the story of Martha and her sister Mary.  Jesus comes to visit and Mary leaves the fuss and bustle and goes to sit at his feet (Hello–RELATIONSHIP!) while dear precious Martha keeps hurrying around with housekeeping details.  Finally she goes to bug Jesus about that Mary not helping her. Jesus turns to her and says “Mary as chosen the good portion”…
 As I browsed further, the headings of cleanliness took me mostly to verses about being clean and pure spiritually.  How freeing!  Yes I believe God is a God of order and He asks us to be wise stewards of what He shares with us.  Hospitality is however commanded various times in scripture such as 1 Peter 4:9 where it says, “Show hospitality one to another with out grumbling”  How simple is that?  I freely admit that I am the worst at grumbling about getting ready for guests. I grumble at my children in the process and get down right irritable at hubby if his ambition doesn’t match my own and honestly sometimes that is why spontaneous guests is sometimes actually better.  How can I as a busy mother chose the “good portion” over the ever enslaving housework which by the way will always be here?  I really wonder sometimes if our busyness in this era of gadgets that are supposed to simplify our lives is one of the reasons we see so much loneliness and depression in the world around us and even in the church?  How about we change our thought process around about what’s important and invite each other over even if we just serve popcorn and juice and step on cookie crumbs that have been left in strategic piles under the table?  (Or not serve any food as most of us are trying to lose weight anyhow)  God was truly genius in creating communities of people which He put together to form meaningful and challenging relationships and I am sure He is mortified that we are to consumed with cleanliness to take advantage of this beautiful gift. 





So come on over, I’ll roll out the paper plates (oops just used the last of those for lunch) napkins and my hazy cups (which are not all sparkly due to a dishwasher detergent error) and we’ll look around at our abundant blessings while we munch apples from my large stash and maybe even a leftover pumpkin bar or two.

**DISCLAIMER:  just in case you’re wondering, my spontaneous-do-it-quickly nature is the reason there are white lines on this page…I.can.not.make.them.go.away but I am hitting publish anyway 😉

Of Cars and Colors

Posted on by admin

This past Sunday Pastor Leon preached an awesome message on prayer that has kept my mind rolling this week.  Not only the conditions for true prayer ~ a clean and pure heart ~ but simply realizing that God does answer some of the prayers that seem silly or  fulfills the desires of our heart that we may not have even specifically prayed about. It is so important to store those special answers away in a “faith chest” in our heart of hearts to remind us of God and His faithfulness when times of struggle and not understanding Him face us.
I was reminded of the way God specifically answers prayers in many ways already this week and thought some of them were to good not to share.
Lowell has been needing another truck as his is getting pretty rusty and because of its age is requiring more and more work.  He has been browsing trucks on Ebay for probably close to a year and finally found one that is pretty much exactly what he wanted.  Not only is it 4 door, it has big mirrors perfect for pulling the camper, and it has a bigger motor (mundane details to me right?!) But the clincher to me was the color.  Lowell has always liked white and guess what color the “new” truck is?! WHITE!  Now I am not saying he sat there and specifically told God about each of these details but he did mention them frequently to me so (I like to think) God having over heard them worked it all out and even threw in a great price as part of the deal.

I don’t have a good picture of the truck yet but I was having fun with the camera and its night settings 😉

With the neat answers to prayer I have been conscious of this week I had to think back to one of my first distinct memories where I grasped the fact that God simply likes to bless us with the desires of our hearts.  I was 18 and in the market for my first car.  I happened to be in love with the color burgandy and remember specifically kneeling by my bed and earnestly asking God to help me find the right car. At the end of the prayer I remember almost feeling embarrassed as I added this line “and God, if you wouldn’t mind, could you possibly have the car be burgandy?”  I lay down and went to sleep with a sense of excitement and just knew God was going to take care of it all.  I don’t remember how long it took but one day we found THE car in the local paper and I excitedly made the call.  Not only was it perfect, it was from someone I knew in a round about way who happened to be local youth pastors and who understood my great excitement when at the end of the conversation I hesitantly asked what color it was.  The man paused and said “well it’s kind of reddish, burgandy I would call it”  That sealed the deal and the car was mine indeed.
My faithful first and very burgandy car!


In the old testament after the children of Israel won a war with the dreaded Philistines Samuel took a giant rock and set it out for all to see and called it the Rock Ebenezer meaning the rock of help, because they had prayed earnestly to God for his help and He had indeed rescued them in a very difficult time.
It is my hope that my children will grow to come to faith in this amazing God and that they will always know and acknowledge how capable He is of answering the prayers of our hearts, even the ones that are beyond the necessary and that our family’s Rock Ebenezers will remain strong reminders for future generations of Millers.
God is so good to honor the small details of our lives! I don’t always understand his way of answering or his timing and why simple things like the colors of a car are honored while those around us struggle with big mountains like chemo and cancer and 2nd open heart surgeries but I know He is good and has the best interest of all of us close to HIS heart. 

A Tribute to my Siblings

Posted on by admin
When my parents first married, the doctor told my mother she would not be able to get pregnant.  Much to their delight, the doctor was wrong and I was born 1 month after their first anniversary.
Two years later my sister Janice was born and then came our only brother, Steven and finally my baby sister Rhoda who made her appearance when I was just a month shy of my 12th birthday.
Yup, I’ll probably get in big trouble for this one 😉
Janice and I were inseparable doing pretty much everything together.  We shared a room and pretty much everything else till I went off to Rosedale Bible College after I graduated from High school.
Most all of my memories have some connection to something I did with her from music we snuck around and listened to, to being on the basketball team, to favorite foods we shared (she can make a mean Mississippi Mud cake).  We sang together, me singing alto or lead and playing my guitar and her harmonizing with her beautiful high tenor. Of course we had our fights like all siblings do, especially since we were close in age.  (One not so lucky Raggedy Andy lost his leg in one of those spats).
She probably wasn’t more then 7 when I remember her declaring she was going to grow up and live in the city which she indeed did.  She is a successful woman in the corporate world.  I couldn’t be prouder of who she has become.  She is the official family peacemaker and keeps us all grounded with her wit and wisdom.
I wasn’t to sure about Steven when he joined our family soon after my 5th birthday.  Up until that point, Janice and I each had 1 parent “to ourselves” and I was firmly planted in my role of daddy’s girl. 
 Soon tho legos and lincoln logs and all things boy became a pleasant part of daily life and I grew quite fond of that little brother. 
who can resist such a cutie?
I wasn’t to happy about his love of squirrel hunting and the fact that we had to at least taste the gravy mom prepared with his prize catch however it was obviously part of preparation for being a hunter’s wife.  
He got us in trouble too with his precious “Sheila pickles”, mom’s homemade dills which Janice and I despised and didn’t have to eat till we decided to pepper the jar with specks of tolit paper in hopes of making them un-edible.  He tattled and that night Janice & I ate pickles (ugggh!)
We are very different, Steven & I, but he is balance and grounding, bringing common sense to our very estrogen dominated family.  He taught himself to play guitar and has one of the most beautiful voices I have ever heard.  As adults now, I am honored to also have him as a friend.
Rhoda was a pleasant surprise and welcome addition to our family.  She came along 6 years after Steven and it was such fun to have a baby in the house.  I left home when she was 4 so I missed a lot of her growing up.  Strangely my oldest, Kali  is much as I remember Rhoda.  And like mothers for generations past I am constantly slipping up and calling Kali by Rhoda’s name.
no mistaking this is my family…I have actually had the fleeting thought “this is Kali” 
  Being so far apart in age had us on different pages until she got married and we shared the fun of pregnancy together.  Our babies were born 5 weeks apart.  Talk about bonding.
 Yes, I was large as a whale and she trim, fit and glowing.  

She is a vivacious, talented, full of life and is a great  mama to my 2 precious nephews.She also happens to be one of my dearest friends.  

This spring when  mom was ill, our bond as siblings grew deeper and more concrete then I imagined possible.  Certain of them may kill me for posting about them on a public blog but hey they are my family and one of the biggest blessings in my life.  What’s not to share about that?!
My brother’s old convertible

Steven’s beautiful, amazing photographer, girlfriend, Evonda recently captured some very special shots of the 4 of us together. 
Trying to get the brother to smile is nearly impossible
Goofwad!
Goofwad 2!
Are we done yet?


The old adage is true, We can pick our friends but God gifts us with family.  
I happen to have given birth to 4 children who in many ways remind me of my siblings and I. I have the same 3 girls and 1 boy.  I have the ornery ones and the grounded ones, the sweet ones and the bossy.  I hope they are as blessed as I am in their sibling relationships and their bonds will only deepen as the years pass. After all siblings are one of the little things that make daily life more special! 

Aunt Dini

Posted on by admin

When I married into the Miller family, I was blessed to gain a precious gem of an aunt, Odena.  Single, spunky and very independent, “Dini” as she was dubbed by the older grandchildren is the only sibling of Lowell’s dad and always lavishly spoiled Lowell and his 2 brothers, Merlin & Keith and seemingly decided to carry on that tradition with their wives and great nieces and nephews.  Her spoiling usually includes food whether it’s her famous Christmas caramels, smarties in her purse, making freezer pickles for Lowell & mustard pickles for Keith or keeping the milk house supplied with a large pan of cookies or bars.  (And did I mention she still helps with the milking?)   She is also big on birthdays and always gives cards that are more then just birthday cards from a box.  I have often been touched at how mine usually always says “to my niece”.  

Before I really got to know her, I thought her to be gruff and a bit rough around the edges but my how my opinion of her has changed.  She is kind, has a huge heart and would give the shirt off her back to help someone!  Over the last years as my children have gotten older and mostly potty trained,  she began coming over to babysit when I needed someone.  She gets downright huffy with me if I don’t ask her to come each week and keeps track of exactly how long it has been since she was here.  Plus the children love her to pieces and can’t wait to see her again.  She pretty much lets them get away with murder but hey, she is the most reliable, available 83 year old I have ever met and she takes good care of my precious ones.
Today she showed up with cabbage from her garden, 2 big stout heads ( sauer kraut coming up~yum!).  The children were bringing in abundant harvest from the garden and something was mentioned about the fact that we were doing apples today.  Right away spoke up and informed me she would be staying to help me.  I stammered around, secretly relieved but feeling overwhelmed at her leaving her work to come do mine.  She insisted.  So she stayed.  Not only are my 2 bushels of apples done, I have 17 pints of her old recipe (garlic sweet dill) pickles all finished and waiting to come out of the canner. 
Going home with her cane and her basket
I never cease to be amazed at how God sends us just what we need right when we need it.  Today He sent a dear cabbage-bearing-Dini to make my load lighter and my day just a bit brighter!   I am so blessed!

Love and Marriage

Posted on by admin

I am happily married (most of the time).  There are those days when I wonder what in the world I was thinking marrying this thru and thru Iowan who lived in the same house, attended the same church, shopped in the same town and had the same friends his whole entire life.  My life on the other hand was lived on a much, shall we say, broader scope.  LOL!  I can’t count on 2 hands how many houses I have lived in but with my personality that was just fine–I mean who wouldn’t love the adventure of having a new room and more new friends every few years?
If you would have told me 20 years ago how much work went into the institution of marriage I would have looked at you with my star gazer glasses on and said “O but when you find your soul mate..” and “who ever fights?  about money of all things?”   Yeah I was young and thought I knew all about it…
 I really can’t imagine life with out my soul mate who IS the man of my dreams.  I can’t tell you how long I prayed he would ask me out and then FINALLY he did!  After a whirlwind courtship we set off together with a whole truckload of ideals and a teeny tiny amount of “know how”.  We spent time in a third world country, faced infertility, experienced humiliating loss, endured a painful ugly period of separation and somewhere along the way gave birth to 4 precious miracles who have changed our selfish lifestyles profoundly.  We are far from perfect (I often get in trouble for somehow portraying that?) but we have a history and by the grace of God will continue weaving our own legacy for our our children.  There are still lots of things I wish I could change about him but hey it’s a 2 way street and I know I am not perfect! We are total opposites and both of us are firstborns (scary really!) but hey our life is never dull that’s for sure!  And while our romance may not be scripted like the movies (yeah we always end up at Walmart and/or Hyvee on our rare date nights) it’s perfect for me and a special blessing and gift from the Creator of love and marriage Himself!
The reality of the work that goes into every great marriage is enough to scare the most lovely, very brave souls away from taking the plunge and sadly is being played out in the decline of marriage even in the church today. A beautiful young friend recently made the comment to me that she doesn’t desire to burden herself with marriage as every marriage she sees around her is failing and miserable.  How sad and how often true? Marriage IS hard and we as the church are not making it any easier.  What would happen if instead of gossiping about every detail of something suddenly made public like a divorce or separation, we took those moments and lifted the couple in the spot light to God’s throne?  What if we tried to imagine life in their shoes and it scared us enough to keep our mouths shut and our knees worn?  As I ramble away here my heart is heavy for those around me who are in the depths of distress and despair in their marriages.  Being honest about pain is hard and opens us up to other people and their reactions and judgements of our circumstances. What would happen if we put aside judgement and were more open with each other and could step along side each other saying “we struggle too”?
Because our personal history includes marriage issues that became public I feel the pain of others in sad marriages in deeper ways then I ever imagined.  God has a way of making good things, learning and wisdom come out of our deepest pain.  I do believe he is calling those of us who are married to mirror his love to each other through our marriages thus affecting the negative viewpoints of marriage in general and establishing a more caring environment in our church families and our world around us where those who are hurting can be honest with out receiving judgement! After all marriage is a gift to be nurtured, treasured and enjoyed to the fullest!

                                                          My Love & I

A Heritage of Reading

Posted on by admin

I come from a long line of folks who love to read.  Many of the my Mama’s family, the Waglers have libraries full of every sort of book.  Many of them probably come from auctions or the Goodwill store or are gifts and some were handed down from the generation before. My mom has a small room built especially for her books.  It is packed full to overflowing just like the library shelves in my Uncle Jesse and Uncle Titus’s house and many of the other uncles and aunts too I am sure.
As a youngster I used to love the long awaited summer trips out to the far land of Iowa visiting family and living life Amish, something my sister Janice and I sincerely planned to do when we were FINALLY  8 & 10.  (Glad we got deterred from that one, that’s a story for another day)   But, probably one of the biggest highlights of the trip was spending hours in Grandpa’s bookstore, Brookside Books, a messy little metal building that had books stashed in every possible space.  Since my parents were shunned, their money was not accepted so we always made out like book bandits with the stash we went home with each summer visit tho I am sure us being the grandchildren they only saw once every 2 years or so made a small difference in that arrangement also.  Once Grandpa actually did let my sister pay ten cents for one of the whole sets of Janette Oke books.  Many of the books I treasure are from those days and still sit on prominent places in my bookshelf.  Some of them Grandma actually wrote our names in.  Those are the extra special ones!
I don’t remember my Dad’s family, the Marners being readers like mama’s but Dad definitely stepped up to bat on the reading thing.  As long as I can remember Sunday afternoons were spent with us kids sprawled out all over the living room and Dad sitting there reading to us until he nodded off.  We never wanted him to quit and always begged him to continue.  I don’t have any idea how many times we read the Laura Ingles’ “Little House on the Prairie” series or the Mother Westwind  animal series about Jimmy Skunk and his friends or many of the other goldie oldies I have big plans to read with my own children.  Somewhere along the line we read Wilson Rawls’ “Summer of the Monkeys” which is still one of my favorites today.  Mom often read to us too.  I can still hear the exact way her tones changed as she read Farmer Brown…”said Farmer Brown, Tra la, Tra le.  Today’s my birthday, lucky me…”
Those are the days I long for, when books magically transported us away to Avonlea and down into the hollar with Jayberry spying for monkeys or staying warm in the cold sod house with Laura and Mary.  Technology has changed how children are raised now.  Books are often considered boring and set on shelves collecting dust.  Tvs, Ipads and cell phones have robbed us of precious moments bonding while reading stories together.  I am guilty.  How sad!
My children do have books,  many books! My hubby didn’t always understand why I have the unquenchable thirst to buy every old book I see or why the children would need another book for every birthday or holiday or why one would need to fill 5 bookshelves with books of all things, but he is learning. Now he even says someday he will build me a room for my books.  I am looking forward to that.  Meanwhile I stash books everywhere in hopes that my children will get a sweet taste of the world outside our box experienced simply by picking up a book and gazing at the pages.  I am trying to be more intentional about putting aside what I am doing and reading to them when they ask.  Some days when I inwardly groan and moan about how many times I already read the same old story over and over like small children happen to prefer and all I really want to do is just move along to another subject and read something else, it’s then I remember how many memories are forming in their minds and how maybe someday they will look back and remember my exact tone when I read them the Hungry Caterpillar or Green Eggs and Ham and hopefully the legacy I leave will carry on with the gift I have experienced ~ a heritage of stories, reading and a lifetime of love.  I’m telling you..It’s the little things.

The other evening Abby was getting tired and was begging for her favorite story which currently is “the Hungry Caterpillar”.  She finally took matters into her own hands and began “reading” by herself.  My apologies to those of you who watched this already, but hey it’s too cute to not share with the world right?!