Category: motherhood

Amanda the Panda Family Grief Camp Weekend

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Our family was recently privileged to be a part of a wonderful weekend put on by Amanda the Panda Family Grief Center.  This wonderful organization was founded to help families deal with the loss of a child but has branched out over the years to include other loss as well.  Our counselor, Miss Kendra (Imagine Therapy Solutions)  had recommended this particular weekend to us months ago and we signed up right away.
As time drew closer, all of us at one point or another experienced cold feet and wondered if this was really for us.  It was. And we are all so glad we went. We came away feeling like God had orchestrated so many special moments just for us!
 I did not take a single photo.  Special thanks to the fabulous professionals who were there to preserve the memories of the weekend!

Amanda herself greeted us on arrival!  The children, especially Alexia were actually 
scared of her and hung back.  By the end they were hugging her every chance they got.  Lex told me
“Mama, Amanda is so sweet.  She was just there to give us hugs and high fives”
Hunter experienced terrible separation anxiety the few weeks proceeding and I called Carmen and Cindy, the camp leaders anxiously asking them if it would be ok if he needed us at camp.  They assured me the kidos would stay so busy and wouldn’t think of us.  I don’t think they did. 
Upon arrival we went to the huge common area where we all got tshirts and name tags and the kidos got to choose a new teddy bear from a massive stack of beauties.  

Then it was time to start the fun and they were whisked off to their dorms while Lowell and I went to find our cabin and meeting area.
From what I have gathered they spent some group time sitting and sharing about their loss.  They made beautiful crafts and played games and of course ate.  The big highlight was time with Amanda and the silly Crazy George who made random appearances all weekend. And they still talk frequently of their new friends and their group leaders. 
Crazy George “sneaking” cookies

We caught you Crazy George!
Kali described this as beautiful puff balls and says it represents all the beauty of God’s creation 
around us and that as we notice that beauty we need to express love.  In other words when we love someone, let them know…
Who has camp with out Smores?
Alexia & Hunter’s group – The Turtles
Kali’s group ironically had the name Monkeys -how fitting!
Meanwhile Lowell and I were off with our own group.  Adults with loss.  A few of us couples had lost a child.  Several others had lost spouses, some friends, some parents.  But our grief tied us together.
We spent time the first day working through the yucky stuff like remembering the events of the day of death.  An activity that got to me was called the 5 senses where they asked us to put down what we remember “sense” wise from that day…that was hard.  But we went there together.
The first day also included all of us writing thoughts on the anger wall, us in our group and the children in theirs. After we finished we all trudged outside in the dreary afternoon, placed the poster board in front of a tree and took turns throwing eggs at it symbolizing the releasing of anger. I had quite the experience with that one.  It felt silly at first but then it got more fun.  One of the brave leaders saw how challenged I was with aim and held up the board so I could hit it. As the egg went sailing towards the target I gasped in horror as I realized that it was headed not for the target at all but straight for Tom’s forehead.  I didn’t live that one down all weekend and yes thanks to his quick thinking he kept his head clean.

As time went on the boards got uglier as the goopy smear washed down the words we had written.  The last thing before bed was actually burning the board in all of its ugliness on our campfire.
The next day we would focus on remaining blessings and the gifts of love left us from those we lost.  Those beautiful canvases are displayed at Amanda’s house in Des Moines.
We were fed like queens and kings and waited on hand and foot.  The kidos got warm cookies.
We enjoyed craft time.  All of us especially enjoyed the Tie Dye

In the evening we took a hayride back to the beautiful pond (Wesley woods is a beautiful camp!) where we were given bunches of daisies.  As we plucked off each daisy and pitched it on to the pond, we were to reflect on favorite memories.  Lowell and I walked to a far corner and giggled and wept as we picked off our daises and watched them float away.  So beautiful.  So meaningful.  Wish we had photos…
On the way back to our cabins we were supposed to quietly respect the others in their own thought processes. However not one but 2 flat tires later amidst much laughter and kid like campfire ghost stories we were rescued by the big yellow bus and the mood stayed light through out the rest of the night.  Laughter is such a gift.
On Sunday we finished up our wall of love, which was just the opposite of the ugly anger board, and went to meet the kids for closing ceremonies and lunch. There each family was called to the front and given a white bird balloon and a marker to write messages on it.  I sat there in dread until “the family of Abby Miller”  then the tears came.  We got our balloon, wrote our messages and wept as we walked together out into the beautiful sunshine where the birds were released.

We watched them till they faded from view
There are so many more things I could write about.  A doctor came to answer our questions about death. We were given personal time to share our story.  There was a beautiful candlelight vigil where we lit red bear candles and shared photos of our loved ones. And we did have chocolate.  The food was amazing… O my. We are so blessed to have been able to participate!
Sporting our new tie dye
On the way home the children were talking of all the great memories and Kali says “Mama, I would like to raise money to help other families enjoy Amanda like we have”.  
So our family is setting out to do just that! 
 We are so very excited to announce a memorial fundraiser in Abby’s honor.  It will be simply titled “Light Up the Night ~ Remembering Abby”.  
Our Goal is to use the first anniversary of her death to bring hope and joy to our family and to the lives of other families who have lost or will lose children like we have, not to mention bring some light to the darkness of July 15. (THIS EVENT HAS BEEN POSTPONED TILL SEPTEMBER.  WILL KEEP YOU UPDATED! )  *****updated info!*****
This event will be held Friday evening, Sept 18, 2015 from 5 to 8 pm at a to be announced location in rural Kalona.  So many wonderful people are working with us to make this a beautiful celebration of the vibrancy Abby represents. It will hopefully be a fun night for people of all ages.  Our dear cousin Sara is helping me brainstorm and plan and has brought many wonderful gifts to the table.  Also key in this process are the fabulous ladies responsible for the camp we attended, Laura, Cindy & Carmen.
Amanda the Panda will be there as well as Abby’s favorite princesses. Yup,  my sweet new friend Kim will be there with her fab team and special guests, Snow Queen & the Ice Princess (AKA Anna & Elsa) as well as Rapunzel who is the theme behind the grand finale of the evening, the releasing of beautiful Chinese Lanterns.  There will be food, raffles, a silent auction and hopefully live music as well as vendors so you can shop if that grabs your fancy.  (I already have Younique, Jamberry, Mary Kay, Norwex and Zumba coming) There will be a corn hole  tournament as well as volleyball and of course the Kid’s carnival.  So there will be something for everyone to enjoy! 
Many of you have asked how you can help.  Here is a list of some things we may need.
  • We will need sponsors so as much of the money as possible can go to our cause.
  • We will need items such as food, drinks.
  • We are still looking for musicians to do 30 minute or so mini concerts.
  • We will need volunteers to staff the various events
  • We still have space for vendors.  I would love to see Pampered Chef, Tupperware, Wildtree and more!
  • We are hoping for a photographer to capture the evening in photos.
  • We need your prayers.  This is much larger then us already and will take some energy to pull off.
Amanda the Panda is a non profit organization that offers free grief services to people all over Iowa.  Free is key to people in grief. So much of our live is consumed with mere survival.  Not having to worry about cost for such services is a gift!
You can also join our FB page Remembering Abby for personal updates on our family and how we are coping with our grief.  I will posting updates about the big event there as well as on my personal FB page.
Once again, I can not thank you enough for walking this tough journey with us.  
You are loved!

Remembering

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“He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. Is 61:3″

6 months ago tonight I lay on a cold hard hospital bed surrounded by wires, stroking the sweet soft face of my beautiful 3 year old daughter.  I could only handle a few moments being there with her before the urge to flee took over and I would take a break out in the waiting area while our dear pastor Leon and his wife stayed faithfully by her side.  The stench of death tickled my nostrils while all the beeping from the many machines pounded like drums in my head. They were playing soft loving songs, lullabies..songs that you sang as you lovingly held your child and rocked them to sleep, not to be heard as one lay there waiting for one’s child to die.
Here are some excerpts from my facebook post from that fateful night….
i really have no words for the pain and the giant hole in my very soul. My baby girl Abby Marie is laying in a hospital bed all full of wires and tubes and fighting for her very life. Around 11:15 i helped her get dressed in her swim suit as she wanted to go swimming with the big kids. The next moments are a blur and the horror of the day keeps replaying in my mind as I try to lay down to sleep.
Please rest they say…I can’t seem to close my eyes.
In about 2 hours (4 am CST) they plan to take her paralytic meds off and then do a brain activity test. So far they are saying there is none there, tho her heart is beating on its own. I can not tell you how awesome your prayers and support have been so far. People have come from everywhere and a group of women (1/2 I had never met) arrived at 1 am to have a prayer meeting.
My brain is jumbled but I don’t think I have ever felt such peace in the midst of such tragedy. We have repeatedly placed her into the hands of the one who gave her life and while we totally 100% that HE could really show off and do some major miracles we also know that Heaven could be so much sweeter with her there.
If you continue remembering us in your prayers, some specifics are:
**Grace, peace and supernatural strength for the moments ahead with the decisions we will be facing (we have been asked about organ donation and she is a viable candidate to gift someone with her heart at this point)
**Supernatural peace and healing of trauma for our 3 three precious ones who actually puled her out of the water and came to tell me she had (in their words) drowned.
**our continued ability to trust even when our world is crashing in around us….


Then came the morning and the moment we were dreading but waiting for, saying goodbye, which is truly more heart wrenching then can be penned with words. It is a feeling I will never ever forget and most sincerely hope God will not ask me to experience again. It makes me want to vomit just thinking of it.

Then she was gone. (You can read the blog here and see the funeral photo journals here)
Her 3 years went by way to quickly.  The time that has passed since drags on. 6 months.  1/2 of a year.  Forever….
 Grief is exhausting. All of us are grieving so differently. Lowell is quiet and pensive at times only occasionally expressing through tears.  Recently when someone mentioned her to us, he remarked later that he wondered why they didn’t know we are only trying to forget and don’t wish to be reminded.  I on the other hand am a constant fountain.  I cry to random strangers and tell them my daughter just died. I am all about hugs and remembering. I write and ramble in public ways and speak to groups when asked. 
 Her story must be told.  Her life is not meaningless and goes on and just as she did when she was here with us she goes on touching people’s lives.  Recently someone commented to us how they still can not comprehend how someone so young and so small could make such an impression on everyone she met.  That was our baby.  That is our Abby…precious angel.
  Today our friend Janet brought roses, 6 of them in Abby’s favorite pink in red vase which makes us all think of her fire and spunk.
This is the same Janet Abby named her baby doll after.  
How she loved that rather homely doll with the very strange eyes….
How does one get over death and those last moments, last kisses, last wishes and the dreams that went flying out the window (not to mention the creepy dead child photos)? 
 For Kali, the memories are almost to painful to absorb.  Some days we can be just fine, the next the world is dark and grey with no happy anywhere. She told me today “mama our house is just so sad…everywhere I look I “see” Abby.”  Yes Honey, I know. I know.
I am thankful for the change of scenery, snow and our camper,  out the window, the last view I had of her.  I watched the little purple swimsuit make a wild dash to join her siblings and ignored the quiet urge to just go out with her.  What if I had?  What if I hadn’t been so busy?…
But we can’t go there.  What if’s are a waste of time and energy. Time moves on. I say “I love you” much more freely though I am ashamed to admit how grumpy and impatient I get with my loved ones. 
Hunter is the easy going one.  Everything is factual and he is often off in his own little world recalling things randomly that I have no recollection of. He has recently started being a bit more expressive about his sadness but always rebounds in a quick way to his carefree happy self.
Alexia too remembers random things and talks the most about missing her playmate, bossy one she was. 
Daily we remember.
We remember her bright smile that lit the world around her and her loud rambunctious tone demanding what she thought was due her. And begging mama to take her photos…true treasures now!
We remember her little friends (this is one of the last photos I took of her) and how she prayed for them all by name every night. “Thank you Jesus for Maggie and Leah and Scarlett and Vidalia and Analiese….”

We remember that she is in a place of perfection and joy and we sure talk about Heaven a lot more then we ever did before.
We embrace the difference her life made and the legacy of her great big love for Jesus she left behind.  I am thankful daily for the number of souls that have been brought to Jesus as a result of her passing.  Her daddy’s salvation has truly been a crown of beauty in the midst of the heavy grief and I am thankful for the joyous blessing and promise of Heaven in the midst of our mourning.  I may not be quite to the festive praise part yet but I am confident Joy will once again reign in our midst right on the coat tails of our remembering.
Missing you baby girl…
In case you missed it here is the Tribute played at her funeral.
We are also in the process of getting the funeral dvd put on You tube for anyone who is interested in seeing it.  If you care to follow my personal journey of grief on face book  Remembering Abby page. It is set to private/closed group so that I know you really want to be there.  Send me a request and I will gladly add you.  The page has grown much bigger then I anticipated and has been a huge source of blessing to me, bringing prayer support and providing friendship links I would not have experienced otherwise.
Thank you for your love and friendship and for reading my ramblings!

The Journey

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Today is yet another Monday.  Some days I actually think I may not dread them quite as much as at the beginning of this, our journey of grief.  I have been getting sleep now. Most nights. We are laughing again more amidst random surges of tears. We are on a journey of establishing our new normal.
I still can not walk the path to the barn with out reliving the emotions.  That is one journey that will never leave my mind I am afraid. I walk it the least amount of times possible.  Several times though in the last few weeks, Lowell has worked late, making it a necessity for me to take the journey, a most dreaded moment.  I literally have to gather my courage, square my shoulders and allow my body to absorb the trek that follows.  Mostly I have to do it at dusk, so the inevitable picture in my mind is starting to take a different shade.  Grief is a very dark journey.

       
“Abby, Abby” I scream not even realizing it. My children recently told
me that is one of their most hated memories of the day…mama’s screams     
“Stay with me baby girl, please stay with me…I love you so much”
The run back to the house with my limp baby girl in my arms seems endless
The porch ever so far away.
“Get the phone Kali, PLEASE get the phone…”
I run effortlessly, faster then I realize possible.  The small hill is a mountain.
Grief is just like that.
The area, stark and cold where her little white picnic table stood, 
the one I laid her on as I cried and did CPR and waited the endless moments
for help.  The place where after many long moments her heart ever so faintly began
beating again signaling the start of the longest 21 hours of my life.
As I stand in this spot I realize I have once again come full circle. I walked the journey from start to finish and just like it is happening with our journey of grief, I survived.  Is it painful? YES! YES!  A million times YES!  Is it do-able? Yes, but not on my strength.  So thankful for the everlasting arms that carry me during the times when I don’t think I can take one more step on my own.  
                                                          He is the strength in the journey.
                                                                  ——————————
We wanted to use some of the memorial fund to purchase a piece of furniture that we would have always.  Something that when we see it or use it, we remember our journey.
We chose a table and chairs for our dining room.  It came tonite (ironically – it’s Monday) and is beautiful beyond my imagination, just like her.   
I love the intricate yet simple details. And we got 5 chairs.
This and more like it are amish made and available at Midwest Woodworks in Kalona, Iowa
                      

A New Page

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Since some of you don’t have face book, I wanted to share our latest update here. We have been busy trying to establish new family normals and happy times and accept what our new family structure looks like.  Soon after Abby died, a beautiful young photographer, Kayla Gingerich,  (http://kaylagingerich.blogspot.com/) wrote me the sweetest email offering to document our new family structure in photos.  She is acquainted with grief and all that goes with it as she lost her dad in a tragic hunting accident several years back.  A local photographer did the same thing for her family, offering to shoot a some photos of their new normal.  She shared with me how special that was for her and how she would like give us that gift if we wanted and when we were ready.  At first I was too sad and didn’t know if I wanted to face the reality of having photos with no Abby in them, but as time has gone on, I find a restlessness in my spirit prompting me to feel ok and almost relieved at being “up to date” and being able to showcase that on our mantle.  Saturday was the day and as the day went on it almost took my breath away at the sheer beauty.  The trees are vibrant, almost on fire and the sky was a beautiful clear blue. We all wore red in honor of Abby, an idea concocted by the children.  We also all wore our donate life pins, honoring the fact that we had hoped to gift families with hope (even tho it didn’t happen).  We went to a neighboring town and got some amazing shots of the 5 of us. I am so excited to see them all. It wasn’t as difficult as I had imagined and flowed with an almost normal feel.  The children cooperated nicely and actually smiled.

When we got home, it did hit me briefly and I sat and scrolled through photos and shed quite a few tears, especially when I came to the photo our dear Evonda had taken during the magical beach trip this spring.  I had been so excited at how well it turned out and was eagerly anticipating using it on our annual Christmas photo which we had not gotten done last year as Alexia had been in the hospital over the holidays.
  I am seeing more and more “life” coming through in day to day things.  We are laughing more and doing things we enjoy again even if they seem small and insignificant. We continue to grieve and we do wonder what God will do next with us and what he will write on the next page of our story.  As each day dawns, regardless of the darkness that sometimes haunts us,  I remain confident that HE who started this painful work in us will bring it to completion and it will be beautiful.

New Life

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This week marks 3 months since the tragedy that took our Abby home to Jesus.
So much has happened since.
We are moving on in our “new life” as best as we can. I finally feel some days when I leave the house that we are becoming more “normal” and I don’t feel as much like I am half dressed or that I am leaving something very important at home when I drive out the lane.  The children all continue in their different ways of grieving as do Lowell and I.
An up and coming photographer offered us a session to “document” in sorts our new family structure of 5.  I am piecing together outfits and trying to figure out how to make it the most meaningful.

Life goes on…
We continue going through waves or phases where we question then come around again to quiet calm and peace in our souls. God continues to show himself faithful.

Of all things exciting since our pain began, the biggest WOW has been the salvation of my darling husband, Lowell.  He grew up in a Christian home and had 43 years of knowledge of God and his word tucked into his head. Somehow it never quite made it to his heart.  Since we have been together I have had several major times of questioning if he was truly in a relationship with Jesus.  I would lay awake at night and worry that I may not see him in Heaven. I would pray, often praying that God would bring him to the end of himself so he might fully recognize his need for Savior Jesus and his love and peace.  I had no idea when I prayed that prayer that it may require something of me such as the loss of my baby daughter. Even when Abby died, I had no idea how her death fit into the bigger picture, a picture that like a puzzle is slowly becoming more complete and more clear as God continues to reveal pieces for us to see.
I think it really hit him after I shared with him what Kali had told her therapist. It was in “bucket” week where Kali was shown how each of our lives are like buckets.  Some of us have very little joy (represented by water) in our lives (buckets).  Some are 1/2 full, some are laying on their sides with a few drops of water left, some are 3/4 full, some are bubbling over, some are empty-completely void of joy.  The therapist showed Kali a page full of buckets in varying positions and asked her to point out each of her family.  She tagged each one of us with buckets with some water in them in varying degrees.  Lowell’s bucket however was upside down and completely dry. She voiced her concern about her daddy not having any joy in his life and how that worried her.  I knew it would not go over well so I waited for the perfect timing to share this discussion with Lowell and when it came a few days later, the effect was shocking to me.  He was consumed with it and so very sad.  Over the next few days I sensed he was struggling but did not know why.  Then one morning he called and asked me if we had plans for the evening and said he was going to go meet with our pastor Perry and talk some things over.  My thought was that it was probably grief related as Perry and his wife have experienced loss as well and have walked this journey so well with us.  I will never forget when he got home that night.  The door opened and before I saw him I heard his light hearted whistle and could hardly believe my ears.  Joy radiated from him and I marveled as we ate supper.  After wards he asked if he could talk to me.  As we sat, he pulled out his Bible and showed me the verse in Nehemiah where it talks about the joy of the Lord being our strength.  He pointed out how Abby had been his joy and how when she died, every last ounce of joy evaporated. (I am witness to that fact!) He began seeking and realized that he didn’t have the joy of the Lord and wandered where it went.  It was then that it became clear to him that you can’t loose something you never had and as he became totally immersed in this new realization he came to an honest answer that he had never actually asked Jesus to forgive his sins and move into his heart.  He knew about it.  It was all around him,  But he had never taken the step to move head knowledge to heart acceptance.  When he went to visit Pastor Perry, they actually prayed THE prayer together and his life changed at that very second!
His life has indeed been transformed.  He is so excited to share what God is doing and the joy he is experiencing even in the midst of pain.  He is praying and leading our family in worship of the God who is carrying us. He radiates peace.  He is joyful, a characteristic I would not have been able to peg on him before.  The children notice the difference in their daddy and have asked lots of questions like “mama why is daddy smiling all the time?”  Through this experience, some of our questions of the why in Abby’s death are being answered.  Lowell’s peace and joy bubble out because he knows now that there is no question if he can see her again.  He will!
And though we grieve at the tremendous loss, Abby’s death has been instrumental in so many lost souls, including her own daddy, finding God. Does that lessen our pain?  Not really.  But it sure does provide splashes of joy and beauty along the path.

 I don’t know what all God will do with our family or where HE will take us with our journey.  The one thing that I do know is that HE doesn’t want us to be quiet about HIM and his love and the peace HE grants on a daily basis.  His plan is simple.  We must realize our need of HIM and his forgiveness for the sins we commit on a daily basis.  Then we ask HIM to forgive us and ask him to live in our hearts and then allow his guiding presence to overtake every part of our lives.  He extends his forgiveness and grace to all who seek HIM.
Some of our friends and family have gone through periods of doubt since Lowell’s radical change.  They wander if they really are saved and if God is really in them.  I have watched Lowell’s response to their questions and found his answer to make sense.  “If you have doubts, go deal with them.  You have to face them. Either make peace with God or confirm your relationship with HIM. Then you have the right to tell Satan where to get off.”
  God has not given us a spirit of fear or condemnation but in the same breath, he calls us to lives of purity and holiness.  His love for us is beyond any human comprehension.

Here is a favorite song of Lowell’s .  I surprised him and had it played at his baptism.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vmY2ztb5xc&list=RD1vmY2ztb5xc#t=6

Our “new life” continues with this strength.  I know He sent each one of you along to walk this journey with us.  For this I am so very thankful.

Happy Birthday in Heaven

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Dear precious Abby
 4 years ago tonite I went in to labor on my due date with you which was a first for me.  Beings you were baby number 4 I figured I could just head in and pop you out.  How wrong I was.  You were my longest birthing process, almost 12 hours.  You were different from the very start and soon after you were born and I sat holding you I had this strange emotion come over me, just a fleeting thought but very real and scary. It was simply this, that I may not get to hold you for very many years. I wrote it off to hormones and didn’t think much more about it till that fateful night in the hospital on July 14 of this year (2 months before your birthday) when daddy told me he had the same premonition also.
You came into our lives at a spunky 7 lbs 11 oz (also Hunter’s birth weight) and took over the rule of the roost almost instantly.

You brought so much joy and like we have all talked about how God gave you to us for a brief time because He had a job for you to do.  Part of that job was bringing joy into our home that was scarred from daddy and my’s separation that had just ended right before I got pregnant with you.
You were strong and opinionated and a spitfire. You loved living and did everything you did with fervor and such joy.
Then all of a sudden your life was ended and you were gone.  We know Heaven is more beautiful with you there but we sure miss you here.  
We are on a special trip this week in honor of your birthday.  We are enjoying so many wonderful things and moments together as a family of 5 now.  
As we drove today, daddy and I cried as we listened to one of our new favorite songs that talks about how we feel and how homesick we are to come up to live with you and Jesus.
We are doing our best to go on living and sharing Jesus and his love with those we meet.
Just like our grieving the last 2 months is a place we have never been, we are literally in a place we have never been before – Kansas City. There are so many wonderful things here and I can only imagine your face and hear your oooing and ahhhing.
We are just taking our time and taking lots of pictures and making lots of memories as we never know how many more we will have the chance to make…

Kali, your never wear a dress sister found Elsa and Anna dresses while we were shopping and insisted we get them for her and Alexia.  They have worn them with pride all day and we talked of you.  At one of the places we stopped there was a huge Frozen display and we stopped and gazed and pointed and talked of which one you would have begged for.
We stopped in Kalona at the Amish bakery and got some fresh donuts to eat with our yummy Farmer’s Creamery chocolate milk.
When we actually got on the road Daddy convinced me to take the wheel so he could see what it was like to walk around.  I was terrified but managed to stay on the road.

It has been raining all week, and we were getting so tired of cloudy skies.  Today God gave us a special gift…Sunshine.

This is the life for me…
Kali taking her first selfie

I captured a rainbow in the background.  We so enjoyed this fountain at Crowne Center.

We ate at a delish little cafe called Crayola Cafe where everything featured was to do with crayons.
I was expecting artificially flavored and colored things and was pleasantly surprised to find hormone free beef, ground turkey and yummy sides like hummus and pita chips plus whole wheat buns that were specially yummy!
We sat a table for 6 and colored pictures of course.

We took a walk over to Union Station via a long walk way called the Link.
Daddy called this the waffle ceiling

Alexia saw this view and said “mama the city is sooo beautiful, we must take a picture”
The inside of Union Station is breathtaking.
We were bummed that there were events taking place  in both Crown Center and Union Station blocking off some of the things we wanted to see.

Waterfalls everywhere…
We got back to the campground just in time to get some more play in.

Hunter was very taken with the roller coasters in the distance.

Kali’s Sunday school class got her that Ripstic you all wanted and she is quite agile on it and does lots of tricks even in a skirt.
While everything is beautiful and we are enjoying our time together just relaxing, I catch myself dissolving into tears at just the slightest thought of you. 
I never imagined that we wouldn’t have you here with us to celebrate your birthday.
Nana and Aunt Rhoda planned a small party tonite in your honor.  They are going to release balloons and reminisce.  Nana Rhoda and Great Aunt Rachel are planning something similar for when we get to their house on Monday night. 
Your life taught me so much.  And now I am learning more about God and life and the reality of Heaven since your death.  Hardly a day passes that we don’t talk about coming there.
I love you Abby Marie and I know you will have the best birthday ever up there with Jesus.  I can just imagine how it would be to have the angels singing Happy Birthday to you…
Until we get there have fun dancing and twirling and know that we will come as soon as Jesus is ready for us.
I love you Abby Marie!  
Mama 

Peace

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Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the presence of God – unknown

How does one experience peace in the midst of complete chaos and the deepest pain one could fathom?
I used to question how one could remain calm and appear peaceable after having their life shattered by terrible tragedy or loss.
I am learning so much more about the large unseen presence that keeps one grounded when the current of constant tears, fears and doubts threaten to blow one away.
I can not explain it.
I am a worrier – always have been, probably always will be. I am constantly in a tizzy about life, especially when it comes to my babies.  Even though 7 weeks ago,  pure adrenalin carried me out to the cold cement where my daughter lay I did not feel terror as one might have expected. I felt an odd calm. Peace. I knew she was gone.  I knew Jesus had her.  Somehow that comforted me even though I cried out to him to please save her, meaning in my terms…please,  please let me have her for a while yet.
 He did what I asked, just not in my way.

Now before you go thinking I am all perfect and have it all together, let me put your mind at ease… be assured I do not. I still worry and fret and get really really angry (still working on that part big time!) and all that yucky stuff.
Since Abby left, my health for example has thrown some GIANT curve balls at me.  We have the flu at our house right now. I am one of the lucky recipients along with several of the others. That is no fun and I keep having giant pity parties for myself.  Why this now? Com-mon GOD!  Give me a break…
Another thing I wasn’t expecting at my physical a couple of weeks ago was to hear my doctor say I had a lump somewhere I wasn’t supposed to have one. My little cocoon of peace kind of exploded right then and there. My kidos just lost their baby sister.  Please God they really can’t lose their mommy….big worry…little or no peace.
I have been tempted to be quiet about this particular worry/fear because of it being more private in nature. I mean, lots of people have lumps that are nothing. Not everyone needs to know about mine. Ha! I can hear the sighs (ah that is so Dorothy-ish) and clicking of tongues as people ponder my insanity at blogging about things of such nature.  Mine is supposedly also nothing..we just have to watch it and wait. Does that make it any less frightening? Not exactly.
  But then as I ponder about how God has worked the most in me I see it is usually when I am “blunt” for Him, something that believe it or not is not always easy for this jabber mouth.
The evil one loves nothing more then for me to curl up in a corner and cower in fear.
 Fear, my friends, is the greatest enemy of peace. Sometimes I fear that because I am vocal I am a bigger target for the enemy. Makes sense right? hmmm?  He after all doesn’t like when we get the word out about the great God we serve. If there is one thing I keep learning though, it is simply the re-occuring phrase that keeps running through my mind…GOD IS BIGGER.
He is bigger then my fear.  He is bigger then the hole the size of Texas that has taken over my heart. He is bigger then the cancer my dear friends Jan and Danielle are battling. He is bigger then financial woes and wars and rumors of wars and obama care and all the other politically charged things around that strike fear and worry in many of our hears.
That, in and of itself, is why we can experience peace even when our circumstances are less then peaceful and far from perfect and when things do not go according to our plans.
He will carry us.  He is carrying me. He is the ability to put one foot in front of the other, the strength to get back to work.  He is joy in the small details like figuring out what we want to do on our vacation.  He is provision of prayer warriors, who like one of my favorite stories in the old testament, (Exodus 17-  Aaron and Hur held up Moses’ arms when he was to tired and weak and the battle was won) lift my family and I up when we are to weak to pray on our own. He is being able to face each new day and remember that even though it is still so dark and ugly and painful to open our eyes, each moment of each day is truly a gift from HIM.
He is and will always and forever be Peace.

Process

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July 14, 2014 will forever be marked down in our history as the day that changed everything – literally.
It marked a new process, one that has so dramatically turned our world upside down.
Some days I feel lost.  I wonder around feeling like I should be doing something but find the what to be evasive.
Some days I feel angry.  If God is a God of love then why must He dish out a pain so deep it threatens our very existence?  And why couldn’t he take someone who was old and had lived their life or at least taken someone who was not so loved?  I mean that makes sense right? So many people live in secluded alone-ness not knowing anyone who truly loves them.  We lavished love on Abby. She was our spark and kept laughter in our home. Why her?
Some days I feel nothing. I look into the mirror and the woman who stares back at me is just a shell with a vacant empty despair. I don’t know who she is. I can’t remember simple things like my passwords used to place orders or where I left my shoes. Then I feel like I am in a bad nightmare and that if I can just truly wake up then life will be right again and I won’t have a stuffy head from the constant weeping.
Some days I wonder how this process called grief really works.  “O it’s just a part of it” they say.  You’re reacting normally. What’s normal about grief? Absolutely nothing.  My list mindset goes absolutely bonkers – there is nothing I can check off except for the fact that I took another breath that maybe didn’t hurt quite as deeply as the one before.  I took another step by simply telling my feet exactly how they  need to work..one in front of the other.  Lowell works and it helps him cope. For me, I get irritated when  people tell me I should get on with life and get back to work so I don’t have to sit around and think about this all.  Quite frankly even the thought exhausts me.  I am tired all the time and can barely keep up with the necessary things of daily life.  It confuses me though.  My clients and work have always been a joy and something I look forward to. Maybe someday normal will reign again….
Some days as I wonder around the store trying to get my bearings together, I find myself pondering if everyone knows I am in the grief process?  Maybe I should wear a sign. I find myself crying as I tell total strangers how I just buried my baby.  Most are wonderful and I end up with hugs which help most days.
Some days I worry about my precious very alive children and how in the world I am ever going to help them “process” correctly when I can’t even “process” myself? Alexia hasn’t touched the barbie dolls and pollypockets her and Abby always played with daily.  She told me the other night “Mama, I just need Abby to come play barbie with me”.  Hunter seems to be ok most of the time but  recently told me that even tho I tell him it wasn’t his fault that he still thinks it is because Abby asked him for a floatie and he didn’t get it for her. Kali still can’t sleep in her bed because she shared it with Abby. Last night was the first time she didn’t cry herself to sleep in many nights.  Her usual question before she drifts off is “mama why can’t we just go to Heaven too?”  My main answer is usually “because God still has work for us here precious one”. In my heart,  I know He does but man, this grief stuff really stinks.
Some days I wonder about what is really important and what in the world God is trying to teach me. I have always avoided the subject of death, simply finding it to morbid and not really ever focusing on it. Since spring of this year, death, terminal illness and sadness seem to envelop my small existence. My Grandmother died and tho I know she hasn’t really “been here” over the last several year and the fact is that we actually celebrated the fact that she could go on, it is still the final page of a chapter of our lives.  Just a few weeks before Abby died, my dear friend Jan was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.  She has been a faithful prayer partner and friend. I know she is ready to see Jesus but I am irritated that it is her that has been chosen for the process. I need her yet. Why are the things most dear to me being taken away? Some days it makes me scared to love…
What ties this mumble jumble process together? God’s love. It’s as simple as that. He loved Abby so much that He knew she would be better off with him. And hey, with the condition of the world and all the dangers and evil it really seriously isn’t that bad of an idea.  Some days I question how He could really love us and allow this to happen to us. But He is showing love to us left here too. He has surrounded us with praying saints who have shared with us how they wake up in the middle of the night and can’t sleep and spend that time praying…for us! He takes care of physical needs in ways that blow our minds. He also blesses us with promises of hope and the reality of the fact that we can go to be with Abby.
Our life is not a series of meaningless events that make up our existence but is carefully orchestrated and planned by God to bring glory to His name.  I have always enjoyed writing and blogging but never really got anywhere with it specifically.  The past 2 weeks have increased traffic to my work in ways I never dreamed.  People who wouldn’t ordinarily have any connection have happened by over 50,000 times. It isn’t about me but about that work that God wants to do through Abby’s life and her death.  I have a platform to share Jesus and his love.  Even though some days I shake my fist at Him and scream why, I am truly awed and humbled that God chose me to be a part of the process.

Celebrating Abby ~ a Photo Journal of her Funeral week events ~ July 19, 2014 (Group 2)

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I had so many wonderful photographers show up to help us remember the moments of Abby’s celebration.  Each one is taken from a bit of a different view point and each one has been equally special to us.
This grouping was taken by my dear friend, Natalie Yutzy.
She came to our home for our special perfect night of lantern lighting, an event especially for the young ones.  It was reminiscent of another movie favorite of Abby’s – Tangled where there were lanterns lit each year in memory of the lost princess. It was very symbolic to us as a family of us releasing her spirit heavenward.  Many family and friends gathered in our yard and we watched together and at the end sang “Safe in the Arms of Jesus”

She also captured our fabulous service committee and their helpers hard at work preparing the delicious meal which is one of my favorite (total comfort food) – fresh green beans and scalloped potatoes with ham.
Our church family is awesome!
The rest of these pretty much speak for themselves….
Thanks again for watching out for us Natalie! Love you!
During the service Hunter got all worried about not having Abby’s “lid” open again so the funeral directors opened the casket out at the graveyard for us to have one final peek….Good bye sweet one

Celebrating Abby ~ A photo journal of her funeral ~ July 19, 2014

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I always thought that people who took pictures of funerals and the deceased were a little disturbed until it was our turn to bury our precious Baby, Abby Marie.  She was taken away from us much to soon and all of a sudden everything in my sentimental nature decided to go against the grain and ask for some professional photographer friends of mine to preserve the moments we otherwise would probably not remember.
****  Be aware there are some photos here of her in her casket, so if that is to disturbing you may stop HERE.*****
The first series I am featuring were all taken by my dear friend, Shawna Riche.  (you rock my friend!  Love you!)
I have no idea but I have been told that well over a 1000 people attended the viewing which was held at our church on Friday, July 18.  Looking back it was much to long a time for our exhausted state and I literally hyperventilated towards the end.  Grief is exhausting and not anything you can expect to be any certain way. Our family is all responding differently. You will actually see some laughter among the tears.  If it weren’t for supernatural strength from our faithful God above who gifted us with Abby for a few short years, I have no idea how we would survive.

**FYI  – you can enlarge any of the photos by  clicking on them

we asked for blue skies…
The family photo that was to be this year’s Christmas card
Donate life pins and bracelets
The children were exhausted by this point and after some conversation we decided to let them pick and choose when they would be at the viewing
Our sweet friend Hannah coordinated events for all the children that did come 
Abby hated wearing shoes and also adored pretty nails so we invited people to come barefoot and with pretty toes in her honor
We cried as we watched the sweet tributes.  The one for the viewing was set to music from the movie Frozen
We decorated the area around her coffin
The lines stretched on endlessly…so many sweet friends blessing us with just being there!
Many precious hugs
My 92 year old Grandfather, David L. Wagler arrived early in the evening 
Precious cousins who I rarely see
My Great aunt Rachel Graber (Grandpa’s sister)
When Great aunt Rachel thought she was alone she went back in to see Abby. I have to wonder what was going thru her mind.  She told me several times thru the week how she too lost one about Abby’s age, her precious Leroy.
Sharing kisses with Abby’s little friend (and second cousin) Vidalia who she prayed for every night
My grandfather’s load stopped by the roadside to pick these beautiful lillies- 
Then it was the dreaded funeral day which dawned bright and clear just as we had prayed.
One of the hardest parts…gathering for one final moment with her.  We placed small silver hearts over her chest and touched her face one last time.
Grandma and aunt Dini say goodbye
Sleep tight my sweet one ~ Mama will come too as soon as she can…
Someone donated red balloons in Abby’s honor as red was her favorite color.  I have no idea how many, but there were gobs that kept the kidos happy before the service.
Then came the moment for the longest walk of my life…
The grief was almost more then I could fathom as I followed the small white casket down the aisle
It was a perfect service filled with beautiful congregational singing (She learned the old hymn “I am the vine and you are the Branches” at VBS this year and sang it pretty much every day since) and a duet by my Sister and Brother, Janice and Steven along with many special words and scriptures, a dvd tribute set to the song, Heaven got another angel tonite and some home movies of Abby reading and singing

                                        

So final…little white box with golden angels adorning the center and a plaque stating her birth and death
We gathered outside the tent for the balloon release.Since she always claimed to be 11 we started there and counted down to 0 before releasing.
Many more tears and hugs and family time and wondering how we will all go on from here.
I am truly comforted by the scripture that says “God will wipe all the tears from our eyes”
And tho we keep mentioning all the things we would gladly trade for just one more moment with her I am excited to know that her death is not the end but only the beginning of her eternity with the Giver of Life.
Having her in Heaven not only makes me long more then ever to go there myself, but also serves as a reminder of the fact that Jesus calls us all to live for Him so we can go to where she is.
I am looking forward to that day….