Category: motherhood

Abby

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Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning….The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord…..


I am not all that joyful right now. My eyes and my head hurt from crying so much. Thankfully I did sleep,  for 4 whole straight hours actually.  My mind is swirling with all the details of our suddenly upside down life. I can’t fathom that she’s really not here anymore. Our Abby.  No not really ours, she always has belonged to God and just as He gifted her to us for a few short years, He decided He needed her back.
She was our honeymoon baby, another sign of God’s redemptive work in our marriage that had fallen apart. We found out she was coming to join us on January 16, 2010 just a few hours before Lowell’s dad slipped into eternity. We were back together a mere month after an almost entire year of separation. I was overwhelmed at the time with the fact that I had 3 other children who were 3 years old and younger. She arrived on Sept 14 of that year and from the very start she was different. Our 3 older blessings topped the growth charts with their heights.  She was barely on the chart. As a matter of fact the little purple swimsuit she was wearing at the time of the accident was size 18 months and tho it was a little snug she wouldn’t wear the others I got for her. She was spunky from the start and more then made up for her tiny size with her massive personality. When she entered a room everyone knew it. She was a bundle of loud, darling, amazing energy.
We all kind of slept in on Monday morning as it was supposed to be a lazy day, one of my days off. I recently decided that due to the influx of clients I was seeing in my reflexology business, that I needed to schedule certain days and stick to them so I could focus on spending more time with my children.  I can not tell you how very glad I am that I made that decision and followed thru.  The last few weeks have been magical in that we did a lot of things together, moments I will indeed cherish forever and never forget.
Anyhow back to Monday.  We were all excited about Kendal and Maria’s wedding shower that evening and most of the day I was going to putter around getting ready.  The children hadn’t swam much this year yet as it has simply been to cold.  However, on Sunday Lowell helped them fill the stock tank that we used as a swimming pool and they spent most of the afternoon splashing and playing happily.  Mid morning on Monday they were all begging to go swimming again and I said they could.  I helped Abby into her little purple suit and sent her scurrying out the door, glancing briefly to see where the other were at.  They were all out there at the pool and I knew the splashing and giggles were already starting.  The thought crossed my mind that perhaps I should dash out after her and remind them that she was there but thought about all the training we had done and the habits they always carried out.  I quickly went to my office to finish some work I had started. I wasn’t there for but a brief few moments when the door opened and I figured some wet feet would soon be scampering across my clean floor so I called out to see who was there. No one answered but soon the door opened again and Lexi says the words that will forever haunt me – “mama come, Abby drowned in the pool” I flew out the door and raced across the gravel with my bare feet and could see as I ran that Kali and Hunter were pulling a very limp Abby out of the water. When I got to her, she was limp. Her eyes were fixed in a straight ahead stare and white foam was coming out of her mouth.  I grabbed her and screamed out to Jesus to please save my baby and raced to the porch. Kali ran ahead of me and brought me the phone. I dialed 911 and pleaded with the lady to please hurry, that my baby was dead. She walked me thru CPR which I knew but couldn’t think thru.  I finally remembered that I had speaker on my phone so I laid it down and continued working, following her instructions the best I could.  Kali brought me my cell phone as she had called Lowell who wanted to know what was going on.  I told him our baby was gone and to please come home quickly.  Suddenly there were people everywhere.  Air care landed out by the field. Friends and family were there and were holding me when my legs just didn’t think they could stand any longer. The next hours at the hospital were some of the longest in my life. She had not been breathing for long enough they told us she had severe brain injuries and probably wouldn’t pull thru but that only time would tell. They cleared a space on her bed for me and I laid there with her stroking her small face that was covered in wires and hoses.  When I couldn’t handle it anymore I would get up and leave the room and go chat with the many friends and family who were holding vigil in the family waiting area. Our pastors were all there.  Pastor Leon and his sweet Jean stayed all night with us.  Jean would stay right at Abby’s bedside rubbing her little legs and arms and any other place that wasn’t covered in wires.  My dear friend Karma took off of work and stayed too.  She was our valuable go between and with her vast medical experience was able to walk us thru a lot of the tough decisions like weather or not we wanted to gift any of her organs.  Many other friends who I can’t all name came and simply held me.  Laura brought me my clean clothes and would walk back and forth to the ICU with me and held me as I sobbed over Abby’s bed. She has a dear sweet 4 year old who was one of Abby’s dear friends. Then my family arrived.  Janice and Evonda came first. A few hours later my parents and Steven and Rhoda and my sweet precious nephew arrived.  With each new person that came, we would make the trek to the room where the horror of the events really became reality. We cried and prayed and talked to her and told her how much we loved her.  We sang as we could, singing her favorite Jesus Loves me and the song from her favorite movie, Frozen -Let it Go. 
The waiting game is hard especially when it’s your precious child’s life hanging in the balance. As Tuesday morning dawned bright and clear, it looked like we would probably be there another 24 hours or more as she showed an ever so slight activity in her EEG. We planned to gift her heart so we knew the process could get long.  The rest of my family had arrived about 7:30am and she seemed to be about the same.  We were out in the waiting room chatting and milling about when I had the sudden urge to go see my baby.  As I arrived at her room I saw several doctors and nurses standing there watching her screens closely and soon they were all there at her bed and more machines were being brought in. The doctor looked at me and point blank asked if I wanted them to keep resuscitating her.  I looked at him in shock and said absolutely not but that I needed Lowell to make sure he was ok with that.  Some one ran to get him and just like that she was gone. We had enough time to get some wires off of her and move the bed from the room so I could sit in a big chair and hold her. We wrapped her in a pink and purple blanket and I sat there one last time with my baby cradled in my arms. Her breaths were short and shallow but I could still feel her small heart beating. We kissed her and told her how very much we loved her and told her we would be joining her up there in Heaven and that she should go on ahead and that Jesus would be waiting to twirl and dance with her. I have no idea who all was even there but all to soon the doctor came and gently informed us that her heart had stopped.  They turned off the ventilator and announced her time of death as 8:30 am. I don’t know how long we sat there and held her.  Family and friend poured in and held us and cried with us. Lowell took a turn holding her and then it was time.  Her little body began to stiffen and her lips began losing their color and the stench of death tickled my nostrils. I kissed her sweet cheeks one last time and smoothed back her hair. 
Then we were walking out of the hospital.  Our Sis in law Jannea had brought the children up to say their good byes and so it was just the 5 if us. It was surreal. I kept expecting Abby to come dashing out around as usual. I always walk along behind keeping a watchful eye on all the brood and she wasn’t there.  Then we were home and people, food, phone calls and emails came flooding in.  Every time I open fb there are more messages and friend requests then I can comprehend.  
We can feel the prayers.  It is what gives us the strength to put one foot in front of the other. It is what helps me breath even tho I feel like there is something crushing my chest.
And we have hope. We know where she is– in the sweet arms of Jesus and we know we can join her there.
Does that make this any easier?  NO!  Do we have any idea how our world will ever be set right again? NOPE! 
Right now we are clinging to moment by moment trust that the bigger picture will look prettier then the pain we are currently facing. We are holding each other a lot more and saying I love you more and we tell our friends to hug their precious children because life is but a vapor.
Abby’s name meant Father’s joy and while she truly was that her on earth we know that is one big reason she needed to go.  Her heavenly father wanted his joy home with him.
I never dreamed I would have to plan a funeral for one of my babies.  Picking out caskets and pall bearers and who will preach and who will pray was exhausting. We tried to plan a service that represented her vim and vigor for life and all the things she loved.  With such a small casket, 4 pallbearers is all we needed to pick. We chose people she loved to carry her to her final resting place, her cousins Chase and Nolan and our dear friends Kevin Kemp who she decided was her Kevin at VBS just a few weeks ago and her little friend Leah’s daddy, Dallas who farms the land we live on. He was always teasing her and calling her Betsy to which she would respond with some loud retort, usually “Mr Stinky Pants”. She just asked me a few days ago if I knew why she liked Dallas so much?  I told her I had no idea to which she responded “because he is sooooo silly”.
Thank you for letting me air out the jumble in my brain and for your continued prayers.

Confessions From a Tired Mama

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 I used to have a list of ideals of how people should live out the process of mothering. Now that my infertility and those crazy lists are but a dim memory far in the past I am learning more and more about the reality of mothering. ( how crazy ridiculous most of my ideals actually were AND how very judgemental I was of those hard working mommys in my world)
Most of the time I am hopelessly in love with the fact that I am actually a mommy.

But then there are those days….
I would have never thought going to the bathroom by myself would be such a big deal.  I now confess that there are times when I go in, lock the door and take a longggg time just so I can read my latest Family Circle or Mary Janes’s Farm magazine in quiet. Usually at the beginning of the “time” there is much shouting and pounding on the door as if the world out side the door can not go on with out me. But as the moments pass, quiet actually sometimes happens and I get a few pages read that seemingly energize and help my perspective.
Then there are those times when the wining and seemingly constant bickering and picking on each other makes my brain spin and I now confess some of those moments send me into a state of oblivious dreaming of time far far away…(and yes, our little recent honeymoon hasn’t helped with that – it was NICE to be ALONE and it makes me wish to be closer to my mama and sisters so we could do it more often)
My reflexology and essential oils business has picked up majorly over the past months.  I am busier now then I have ever been.  I can not express how nice that is!  I love my work and the clients who provide our grocery money but I confess it gets downright exhausting.  Combine that with regular life, cultivating friendships, caring for aging family members, and the fact that I have 4 healthy lively blessings (with unending energy sources) between the ages of 3 and 8,  it can look downright daunting at times. My house work suffers ( I can’t even get into my attic/storage space right now 😉 ) my kids suffer, my lover suffers.  I am exhausted. Period.
Recently I began to pray about our life, my constant huffing and puffing and some behavior issues we are facing with our children. I was drawn to Matthew 11:28 where is says, “come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest”… What is rest? Is that something attainable for/granted to mommys?
When I begin to analyze I must confess I figured out the obvious, I am probably mostly to blame for my own tiredness and probably in part for the tiredness of other mamas around me.  I spend way to much time worrying about what others will think of me and my mothering.  I worry about how others perceive my children.  I worry about the fact that I am the old one – I am almost 40 and most of my mommy friends are in their 20’s or early 30’s. (hmmm there is only one letter difference between old and odd- perhaps I will brand myself as odd instead )
Why do we as people hand out judging so freely when often like me in my infertility days I had no idea how exhausting mothering could really be? Why do we not spend more time encouraging one another in whatever tasks or places in life God has called us to, mothering or not? Like one of those days recently I opened up my fb and a friend from another state who I never see,  sent me this message: “I don’t know why but I feel that the Lord wants me to tell you that you are a great mother to your children! So be encouraged and blessed by that! That’s what He thinks of you!”  Needless to say, that message has a permanent place in my inbox.  Not only did it arrive in God’s perfect timing but it was so right on in the exact words I needed at that moment!
                                           
                                      I thought this veggie tales photo says it so well -what a reminder!

So besides the fact that I want to be more conscious of my words and actions towards others around me, a big part of rest for me means taking some action. For starters, I  made the decision to work with clients 2 days a week instead of 5 or 6. I won’t be entering my children into every possible activity and I am learning to say no even to good and fun things!
  Hopefully this will give me more time to spend with my little chef 
or drinking tea and celebrating life
I am also going to prioritize spending more time with my love 
Regardless, I must confess I think my life is pretty blessed, tiredness and all!

Surprises & Miracles

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I always get extra sentimental at this time of the year. This week is Kali’s birthday. All of our children are special gifts but her birthday always takes me on a trip down memory lane…bear with me if you’ve heard this before.  
As a child and even as a teen when ever asked what I was going to be when I grew up, my heartfelt answer was always “I want to be a mom”.  When Lowell and I got married we both assumed we would be married a year or so and then start having babies.  We soon found out it was much more complicated then that. Fertility testing and endless scrutiny medically left us wondering how anyone can get pregnant as there are so many endless factors that have to be in place before conception can happen.  When months turned into years and the pain of infertility slapped us in the face every where we turned we resigned ourselves to being a family of two, a fact so often mis spoken by many well meaning souls.  “So when are you two gonna have a family?”  AHEM, we are a family who happens to be unable to add children to the mix. We traveled on fun anniversary trips and did things we enjoyed.  Mean while our friends were having babies, some of them quite rapidly and moved on into the crazy child rearing years.  We weren’t there and yet we weren’t single anymore either.  Where did we fit. We considered adoption.  Lowell wasn’t ready to commit to that so we went on with life.
I wrote then too.  I have a  journal full of devotionals I wrote meant to encourage women who were in the waiting game just like me.  I facilitated an infertility support group and wrote a newsletter for couples. Church was hard. Mother’s day became a huge point of torment for my tired soul.  Baby dedications were huge joyous events that excluded me. When was God going to hear and answer my prayers?  
We tried all the herbs and potions and relaxed (which BTW is the most ridiculous advice ever to give to someone waiting).  We had every medical procedure we could afford and still we waited.
In 2005 we went out on a limb and bought a business we planned to do together till we were old and gray. About that time I was invited to a ladies meeting where much to my chagrin a very pregnant lady was  to be one of the guest speakers.  (yup, pregnant women were out to get me…)  I sat there holding back the tears and hoping I wouldn’t have to be any where really close to her thru the whole long night.  Well, God in his infinite wisdom decided to put me into the evening prayer group with none other then HER!  I lost it. Being the blunt person I am I flat out told her how I felt.  The next moments are a blur, but I remember her laboring to get down on her knees in front of me, 8 month pregnant belly and all and began to pray for God to heal my deep pain and grant the desires of my heart.  The other women in the group were weeping with me and began to prophecy (yeah that was a bit freaky for a conservative Mennonite).  One of them saw a vision of a tree that had been cut off.  In each of the rings she saw green shoots coming forth.  She told me she felt God was going to have me be fruitful as that tree either physically or spiritually. At this point I was kind of skeptical of prayer really working for us as many well meaning people had prayed and spoken encouraging words over us over the years. I had often promised and bargained with God that if He granted my desire that I would share the story with the world.  However this time was different. I felt different.  I was free.  Mother’s day was a few weeks later. I went to church and didn’t feel like crying my eyes out.  My friend had a baby. I took her a meal AND a big gift basket (something I had not been able to do joyfully before!) and I enjoyed myself.
In the end of July I flew to Phoenix to spend a weekend with my siblings.  I vomited the whole flight.  I get car sick but this was over the top. The flight attendants finally brought me a black garbage bag.  As we were getting off the flight one of them sympathetically said “Honey are you sure you’re not pregnant?” to which I emphatically responded, “There is NO way”.   
When I got home my tummy was still not very happy so I decided to take yet another pregnancy test.  I could’ve owned stock in the company by this time and should have figured out a way to buy in bulk.  Low and behold as I waited, two pink lines showed up in the spot where there was always just the lone one.  I nearly fainted and quickly ran over to work to show Lowell.  We were in shock.  The pregnancy was amazing and scary and wonderful.  I ended up with major surgery in my seventh month due to a torsioned ovary which resulted in lots of preterm labor and frightening stays in the hospital afraid we would lose our precious miracle God was finally blessing us with.
Now it was really me getting to have a pregnant belly.

It was finally me feeling the growing life inside of me.  It was finally me getting to walk thru a process I had dreamed of so long.  The birth process was unlike anything I had imagined but we had our baby.  Lowell couldn’t believe we really had a girl!  She was the first in his Miller family in over 70 years.
Our family had expanded in such a miraculous way!  At long last we were parents.  What a rush!
Then came life with a baby.  It was “our turn” at baby dedication.
I got flowers on Mother’s day.
My dreams had become reality.  Most people with the condition I have (PCOS) do eventually go on to get pregnant. I am blessed to have been in that number.  I have friends however who did not get their prayers answered in the specific way I did. Some have gone on to adopt, which is such a wonderful calling and special gift to the many children in need of families.  Some got pregnant.  Some still have empty arms.  My heart aches because I remember their pain.  I  can close my eyes and remember exactly how I felt and honestly some days even tho I am in the hecticness called parenting I still have to pinch myself to make sure this is really happening to me. 
God does have a sense of humor and chose to surprise us 3 additional times making us parents to 4 miracles in a short span of 4 years.  This year marks Kali’s 8th year of life and after the previous 8 years of infertility I remain in awe at the many miracles God does daily and am reminded of my promises to Him those many years ago…To HIM be the glory!  He alone is good and capable of granting the desires of our hearts!


Expectations & Comparisons

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I struggle with comparing myself and my family to others around me.  There I said it.  It doesn’t sound all that pretty.  

Why can’t my husband do romantic things for me like hers does?  They just went on a date last week.
Why don’t we have as much money as they do?  Their van wasn’t that old.
O if I were only 50 lbs thinner like…..?
Why am I so constantly willingly floundering in the great and vast sea of discontent?  
I have expectations. Not all of them are bad or a hindrance to Godly living but some of them are down right awful and don’t help the state of my ulcer at all.  Where do these expectations come from or develop? 
I wonder sometimes if I should take a break from social media.  Pinterest and Facebook and regular old email are great tools for connecting with family and friends from far away places but they can also breed stress and create incorrect expectations. (Don’t get me wrong, I am not planning any social media fasts any time soon)  Who doesn’t have a Facebook “Face”? We want for others to like us and for our family to look nice and proper and like our lives fit the perfect, “normal” protocol for Christian families.  What, my friends, is normal? I know our personalities play a large role in how/what we post but wouldn’t everyone do a double take if someone posted something like “My husband and I are really struggling right now” or “I just stepped on the scale and am really depressed”  Such posts would probably be met with one of two responses, pious advice or disdain and possible un-friending or at least making so one does not have to follow such depressing matters. (And yes they may not be all that proper for sharing with 500 people.) The problem with social media is everything is vague. You can’t see a person’s expression or hear the tone of their voice thru a post.  I have seen much pain as a result of mis-interpreted emails/posts thus deepening my belief that everyone’s perfectly portrayed  social media lives are probably really not reality and are therefore not really worthy of me pining my life away wishing that I had something different.  Like a very wise person once said, “We all have to get dressed one pant leg at a time”.  We all have good days and bad ones.  We all have relationships disappointments and blessings.  Sometimes money is present, other times it is not.  It boils down to honesty and communication.  Perhaps if we actually talked (really communicated!) more and spent less time dreaming on Pinterest or reached out to someone else who might be in need instead of focusing on the stuff we don’t have or made a general effort to cultivate lasting deeper relationships with a few trustworthy friends instead of trying to impress the 500 we have on face book we may find our expectations changing?
I am in the mommy stage which I do really truly love in case you are wondering.  The mommy stage has a lot of comparison/expectation pitfalls.  How much stress do we add to our lives trying to follow all the things set forth for us to follow by well meaning souls around us? Why do we care so much about what others may think about how we do things.  God created each of us with beautiful meaningful gifts to share with those around us which is far easier to do if we are not consumed with assumptions.  I have had several conversations recently that reiterated the need for us as mamas to start being more compassionate in our responses to other mamas so that sharing our gifts can happen more like it should.  
One of the mommy comparison traps for me is the depression that slaps me in the face when opening facebook and seeing one perfectly put together mom posting a selfie (she wears makeup at home? and actually showers and does her hair E-V-E-R-Y morning?) of her starting her day reading her devotions and sipping that perfect cup of froth.  I grab for every extra moment of sleep I can get then jump up, throw on my comfy clothes which aren’t usually the latest fad or fashion and pull my frizzy mop back away from my face so there won’t be hair in the pancakes I will make on my filthy kitchen counter that is still stacked with last nights dishes while sipping my lukewarm latte that simmered over the top of the pan. And while I talk to God all day long I don’t get my devotions done at precisely 6:38 each morning.  Now the big point here is there is nothing innately wrong with “super mommy” or with “messy me mommy” and while I could probably raise the bar on some of my expectations in my morning routine, God still loves me messy floor and all just as much as He loves Super mommy and all the perfectly planned time she spends with Him!  I’m really thinking it’s all about extending grace and kindness and being honest and real and working hard to turn our comparisons into companionship and our expectations into honest reality.  I want to work on that!
***Which the honest reality now is my *somewhat* clean kitchen is waiting for me to make dinner in it as my kids have that expectation now that the clock is nearing 5 pm.  Adios for now!

Incomparable

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Our Sunday School lesson today really got to my heart.  When I began my study process for it,  (I teach one of the ladies’ classes which on a side note are a super awesome group!) I was honestly kind of dreading it as the current sessions are from Isaiah which happens to be one of the books of the Bible not all that high on my favorites list. But when I began the reading part which came from chapter 40 I was blown away by how much of it was written exactly for me, right now, in this week in 2013, in the cold mid western winter which happens to be my least favorite season. (grumpy Grinch!)
I had one of those weeks.  Not only on top of my already crazy hectic schedule of homeschooling and my reflexology clients, did I make many trips back and forth to the hospital with my sweet mom in love (a new term I have fallen very much in like with – I am Alta Miller’s daughter in love) but various ones of my children decided it was the perfect week to get their lungs full of that nasty cough which is ugliest whenever one tries to lay down to sleep something one really needs when dealing with stress.  After 1 full night and most of another spent in the ER and at the hospital trying to wrap my brain around all the details of Alta’s issues I was so looking forward to/planning on catching up on rest which is usually a realistic goal since my baby is now 3.  That “plan” did not work out so well and my whole first night “home” was spent trying to keep my 4 year old’s cough from completely gagging her which in essence took about 3/4 of the night so no catching up there.  At one point in the pitch black as our child continued to sound as if she was coughing up her lung,   I rested my bone weary head on my hands and informed  my hubby that I don’t think God is hearing my prayers. I began to focus on and question everything that wasn’t in perfect order in my life and man let me tell you I can come up with quite the grumpy list….”Why did God make me wait so long to have these beautiful babies?– practically EVERYONE knows that the case load is to heavy with the combination of young ones and elderly parents”   “Why would God take some one like the 15 year old that was killed in our area recently and leave the my ailing MIL whose quality of life has dramatically been altered and who is longing to go on to her Elmer?”  “and why of all things couldn’t God keep my children healthy in a time when I really need them to be.  I mean we try and take care of our health, we don’t eat gobs of junk food AND we take vitamins.”   You get my drift….
Here is where Isaiah 40 comes in.   Verse 6 in the NLT says  People are like grass that dies away.  Their beauty fades as quickly as the beauty of the flowers in the field.  Then come verses 7 & 8 which say
The grass withers and the flowers fade beneath the breath of the Lord. And so it is with people.  The grass withers and the flowers fade but the word of our God stands forever.
So in other words, I am like a fading flower.  My self centered focus is but a fleeting breath in the broader spectrum of God’s big picture.  And yet HE is forever! His word stands when all around us is falling apart.
I read on and came to my very favorite verses in the whole chapter, verse 11 – He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart.  He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young. (Yup that’s me!)
The chapter goes on the very next verse to emphasize the incomparable qualities of God.  Who else has held the oceans in his hand?  Who has measured the heavens with his fingers?….all the nations of the world are nothing in comparison to him. They are but a drop in the bucket, dust on the scales….in his eyes they are less then nothing–mere emptiness and froth.  To whom then, can we compare God?…He is the one who spreads out the heavens like a curtain and makes his tent from them….
Then comes the end verses we all know well.  Verse 29 – He gives power to those who are tired and worn out (that would be me this week) He offers strength to the weak.  Even the youths (I am pushing 40 here!) will become exhausted and young men will give up.  But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like Eagles (Have you seen an eagle lately?  Their wingspan is huge!) They will run and not grow weary (even when sleep deprivation takes over and becomes all consuming…JUST.give.ME.my.bed.leave.me.alone.AND.no.one.gets.HURT) They will walk and not faint…
Not only has this chapter given me a fresh perspective right when I needed it most it has brought just another reminder of how blessed I really am in being the daughter of the creator of the universe who is so much bigger and able then I can comprehend!  As for the hearing my prayers part, verse 27 says this – How can you say the Lord does not see your troubles?  How can you say God refuses to hear your case? …the Lord is the everlasting God, (yup HE is still God even when at the end of my already crazy hectic week my 4 year old shows up with pneumonia)  the Creator of the earth….He never grows faint or weary (even when one of his specks of dust is constantly complaining about how awful her beautiful pretty much perfect life is!)
So as I set off on a fresh new week my prayer is that my pouty list stays short (or non existent) and that I fully lean on my incomparable, amazing, all powerful Father who just happens to be creator of the universe!

On another more chipper note, we attempted to take family pictures this week.  The results were not all that fabulous but hey we preserved the memories of having the kidos in their pretty Christmas duds.

                             

My man & I 
our 4 precious gifts 
(I still have to pinch myself some days when it dawns on me that my long years of infertility really are over!)
not frame worthy perhaps but you “get the picture”  ðŸ˜‰

Blogging was a new venture for me this year and I am enjoying it much tho I am sporadic at it. Thanks to you my readers for reading my stuff as I attempt to share my heart.  I love writing. It is therapy and I always have said I would write if not a soul read it.  However if I can share something that is encouraging or uplifting to you on your journey that, in the words of my favorite Duck Dynasty, makes me Happy, Happy, Happy!  Merry Christmas to you and yours!

Housework vs. Hospitality

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I am people person.  Yes sometimes I need peace and total quiet but those who really know me best know I thrive on relationship and being around/with people.  I love having guests and enjoy being spontaneous.  However my life has changed quite drastically over the past 8 years.  I have never been that spotless housekeeper who washes her walls, wood work and windows religiously every spring and fall but during our 8 years of married life and keeping my own house prior to babies the way I kept house was dramatically different from the home we live in now. Stuff stayed put and mostly clean and in order.  While I am thankful in deep ways for the 4 beautiful ones who leave wet dirty underware in the clean towel cupboard and color to big a spot of their favorite color front and center on the living room wall (sorry bout that Phil & Bert) or leave cracker crumbs under the couch,  it HAS drastically changed the way we invite guests into our humble abode.  One time recently I was brave enough to invite last minute guests for Sunday lunch.  While part of the group was gracious about the sticky marks on the chairs, one dear soul, with disdain written across her face, came and got my dish cloth to clean the salt and pepper shakers.  I know she was probably trying to help but it was so very humiliating not to mention embarrassing.  Needless to say, I was slightly paranoid about the rest of the meal and extra nervous about how the kids behaved.  We survived and often as I think back to the event I pondered what God might be trying to teach me and how He actually looks at this whole cleanliness thing.  As I looked thru the Bible for the cleanliness is next to Godliness verse, which by the way isn’t there, I came across the story of Martha and her sister Mary.  Jesus comes to visit and Mary leaves the fuss and bustle and goes to sit at his feet (Hello–RELATIONSHIP!) while dear precious Martha keeps hurrying around with housekeeping details.  Finally she goes to bug Jesus about that Mary not helping her. Jesus turns to her and says “Mary as chosen the good portion”…
 As I browsed further, the headings of cleanliness took me mostly to verses about being clean and pure spiritually.  How freeing!  Yes I believe God is a God of order and He asks us to be wise stewards of what He shares with us.  Hospitality is however commanded various times in scripture such as 1 Peter 4:9 where it says, “Show hospitality one to another with out grumbling”  How simple is that?  I freely admit that I am the worst at grumbling about getting ready for guests. I grumble at my children in the process and get down right irritable at hubby if his ambition doesn’t match my own and honestly sometimes that is why spontaneous guests is sometimes actually better.  How can I as a busy mother chose the “good portion” over the ever enslaving housework which by the way will always be here?  I really wonder sometimes if our busyness in this era of gadgets that are supposed to simplify our lives is one of the reasons we see so much loneliness and depression in the world around us and even in the church?  How about we change our thought process around about what’s important and invite each other over even if we just serve popcorn and juice and step on cookie crumbs that have been left in strategic piles under the table?  (Or not serve any food as most of us are trying to lose weight anyhow)  God was truly genius in creating communities of people which He put together to form meaningful and challenging relationships and I am sure He is mortified that we are to consumed with cleanliness to take advantage of this beautiful gift. 





So come on over, I’ll roll out the paper plates (oops just used the last of those for lunch) napkins and my hazy cups (which are not all sparkly due to a dishwasher detergent error) and we’ll look around at our abundant blessings while we munch apples from my large stash and maybe even a leftover pumpkin bar or two.

**DISCLAIMER:  just in case you’re wondering, my spontaneous-do-it-quickly nature is the reason there are white lines on this page…I.can.not.make.them.go.away but I am hitting publish anyway 😉

“Old Sauce”

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Our garden is brimming with beautiful tomatoes, sadly something my current food plan does not include.  I have been finding other yummies to add to sandwiches and salads but decided I was going to take the lazy quick route and just do my canning all in chunk tomatoes which I reasoned could be opened and made into quick pizza sauce as needed thus avoiding all the bulk cooking, actually canning the stuff AND would help ease the reminder that tomatoes are on my no-no list.  Well my plan backfired big time when I made up some of that quick sauce the other night for  family pizza night.  My 6 year old suspiciously eyed the stuff and asked “Isn’t this your old sauce?” and from that point managed to spoil the rest of the meal with constant remarks about how yuck it was and how he wanted the “old sauce”.  Finally in exasperation I turned to my husband who was cheerfully but not very speedily eating his piece of pizza and asked him if it was as awful as son made it out to be (remember I can’t even taste it).  He paused (wise man 😉 and then kindly said, “well it IS kind of bland”. Big lesson for mama–apparently to have the edible “old sauce” one must simmer it–DUH!
So today was dubbed tomato day.  My entire deck table was full of large tomatoes.  I dutifully gathered my ingredients and set out to cook up some love for my son who has apparently become quite the foodie with very precise tastes!

Sink full!

lots of yummy including the last of my frozen peppers as we are eating the fresh to fast to save up for this!

lots of hubby’s famous Candy onions

basil & oregano

and of course, my trusty Vitamix!

I simply cut the tops and bad spots off and whir away–less waste and less time!

I let it set for a bit then skim the foam off the top–easy peasey!

Somehow I missed this old wives fable tip–simply running cold water in your sink while peeling/chopping onions makes so you don’t cry while working with even the stoutest onions!  Who knew?  It really worked tho I felt kind of silly wasting all that water.

trusty buddy again..chopping onions this time!  I do that with my peppers too.  God is so creative with color!

My helper whose reward will be “old sauce”

My big girl getting the cans ready for recycle

Sauce…

and more sauce!  Spagetti anyone?

I have to keep a tally sheet to remember how many pitchers of juice I put in the pot!

And now for the recipe:

  • 2 qts tomatoes blended in Vitamix
  • 3 onions
  • 4 peppers
  • 3 garlic cloves
  • 3 T olive oil
  • 3 T butter
  • 2 c tomato paste
  • 1 t salt
  • 1/4 t pepper
  • 1 t oregano
  • 1 t basil
I simply blend the tomatoes, then puree the onions, peppers and garlic in the Vitamix and add to the tomatoes.  Add spices, oils (can use all butter or all olive oil) and paste.  Simmer until desired thickness-about 2 hours.  ENJOY!
After 40 + quarts we had to sample it at supper time and it got the official passing grade from my dear son who emphatically said “Mom this is soooo good!  It IS your old sauce.”
Yup that makes it all worth it ~ It’s the little things












A Heritage of Reading

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I come from a long line of folks who love to read.  Many of the my Mama’s family, the Waglers have libraries full of every sort of book.  Many of them probably come from auctions or the Goodwill store or are gifts and some were handed down from the generation before. My mom has a small room built especially for her books.  It is packed full to overflowing just like the library shelves in my Uncle Jesse and Uncle Titus’s house and many of the other uncles and aunts too I am sure.
As a youngster I used to love the long awaited summer trips out to the far land of Iowa visiting family and living life Amish, something my sister Janice and I sincerely planned to do when we were FINALLY  8 & 10.  (Glad we got deterred from that one, that’s a story for another day)   But, probably one of the biggest highlights of the trip was spending hours in Grandpa’s bookstore, Brookside Books, a messy little metal building that had books stashed in every possible space.  Since my parents were shunned, their money was not accepted so we always made out like book bandits with the stash we went home with each summer visit tho I am sure us being the grandchildren they only saw once every 2 years or so made a small difference in that arrangement also.  Once Grandpa actually did let my sister pay ten cents for one of the whole sets of Janette Oke books.  Many of the books I treasure are from those days and still sit on prominent places in my bookshelf.  Some of them Grandma actually wrote our names in.  Those are the extra special ones!
I don’t remember my Dad’s family, the Marners being readers like mama’s but Dad definitely stepped up to bat on the reading thing.  As long as I can remember Sunday afternoons were spent with us kids sprawled out all over the living room and Dad sitting there reading to us until he nodded off.  We never wanted him to quit and always begged him to continue.  I don’t have any idea how many times we read the Laura Ingles’ “Little House on the Prairie” series or the Mother Westwind  animal series about Jimmy Skunk and his friends or many of the other goldie oldies I have big plans to read with my own children.  Somewhere along the line we read Wilson Rawls’ “Summer of the Monkeys” which is still one of my favorites today.  Mom often read to us too.  I can still hear the exact way her tones changed as she read Farmer Brown…”said Farmer Brown, Tra la, Tra le.  Today’s my birthday, lucky me…”
Those are the days I long for, when books magically transported us away to Avonlea and down into the hollar with Jayberry spying for monkeys or staying warm in the cold sod house with Laura and Mary.  Technology has changed how children are raised now.  Books are often considered boring and set on shelves collecting dust.  Tvs, Ipads and cell phones have robbed us of precious moments bonding while reading stories together.  I am guilty.  How sad!
My children do have books,  many books! My hubby didn’t always understand why I have the unquenchable thirst to buy every old book I see or why the children would need another book for every birthday or holiday or why one would need to fill 5 bookshelves with books of all things, but he is learning. Now he even says someday he will build me a room for my books.  I am looking forward to that.  Meanwhile I stash books everywhere in hopes that my children will get a sweet taste of the world outside our box experienced simply by picking up a book and gazing at the pages.  I am trying to be more intentional about putting aside what I am doing and reading to them when they ask.  Some days when I inwardly groan and moan about how many times I already read the same old story over and over like small children happen to prefer and all I really want to do is just move along to another subject and read something else, it’s then I remember how many memories are forming in their minds and how maybe someday they will look back and remember my exact tone when I read them the Hungry Caterpillar or Green Eggs and Ham and hopefully the legacy I leave will carry on with the gift I have experienced ~ a heritage of stories, reading and a lifetime of love.  I’m telling you..It’s the little things.

The other evening Abby was getting tired and was begging for her favorite story which currently is “the Hungry Caterpillar”.  She finally took matters into her own hands and began “reading” by herself.  My apologies to those of you who watched this already, but hey it’s too cute to not share with the world right?!

Sunday Morning Traditions

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Like I previously stated I love food.  Breakfast is one of my most anticipated meals of the day just a step ahead of dinner and supper.  I lay awake at night dreaming of what I will create in a few hours.  Sunday mornings are a favorite breakfast for us all!  With all the hectic that goes along with getting 4 little ones ready for church, figuring out lunch plans and making sure I am presentable, I decided a long time ago I needed a regular habitual breakfast to ensure the morning moves along according to schedule.  A lot of tweaking later we have a must have favorite that the kidos beg for during the week but know with the exception of special days like birthdays this will only grace our table on Sunday ~ Baked Oatmeal!  We love ours loaded with chocolate chips (yeah, probably not the healthiest but at least most of the rest of the recipe is very healthy not to mention delish! and chocolate is a bean right?! ) I actually love to sprinkle mine with any variety of fresh fruit- blueberries, strawberries, bananas.  Here is the recipe.

Mama’s Baked Oatmeal
  • 2 eggs beaten
  • 1/2 c oil (I prefer coconut or olive oil)
  • 1c milk (have tried pretty much every kind and it is all good!-cows, goats, almond, rice, coconut)
  • 1 c honey (I love using half maple syrup)
  • 2 t salt
  • 2 t bkg pwd
  • 1 T ground flax
  • 3  1/2 c oatmeal
  • sprinkle of cinnamon
  • toppings can be eaten on top or baked into
Bake at 350 for 20-30 min or until nicely browned and set.
Serve hot with cold milk and toppings
All ready to bake ~ Yum coming up!


I wish one could post smells

Now as I already stated personal health issues have put my eating habits on a different path.  I have started a program with my doctor where I am grain and dairy free at least for now.  I can not tell you how much better I already feel! But that’s a story for another day.  I am learning about Paleo eating and how it isn’t totally as weird/gross as I had pictured.  Yes I love grains, especially my own freshly ground wheat but for now I am a student of learning about how I can create delicious in the realm of things currently in my food plan.  I was craving waffles.  My doctor challenged me to come up with my own nut flour based ones. My first thought was CAPITAL yuck!,  that he hadn’t a clue what he was talking about,  but figured it was worth a try.  After combing the internet for recipe ideas,  I took a few I thought sounded decent and put them together and wowza I actually have something great to look forward to my self!  I posted one of my versions on Facebook earlier this week. Here is my latest version–mama’s new Sunday morning tradition!
My Favorite
Almond Flour Waffles
  • 1c almond meal
  • 1/2 t bkg. pwd
  • 1/2 t cinnamon
  • 1/4 t salt
  • 2 T ground flax
  • 1 t vanilla
  • 2 T coconut oil
  • 3 eggs separated
  • 1/8 – 1/4 c coconut or almond milk
Mix all ingredients together except the eggs whites.  Beat whites till stiff then add.  Add enough of the milk to make a nice consistency.  Bake in hot waffle iron making sure to grease before each one.  These seem to bake quicker then regular ones so watch them carefully making sure not to over do.
This morning I had 1/2 a banana and maple syrup from my favorite Midwestern farm, Glenna Farms on top of my yummy
Another plus is stepping on the scale for my weigh in and being able to celebrate officially losing 10 lbs!
I’m telling you…It’s the little things.