“So Jacob was left alone and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. Genesis 32:24 NIV”
We all know what it’s like to be alone.
A spouse leaves. A child dies. Friendships separate. A move happens. Pain sets in. Grief, for what is lost, permeates the deepest crevices of our souls.
We wonder if God has left too.
When our 3 year old daughter died suddenly, my faith was shaken to the core. Having been a Christian my whole life, I was shocked by the questions of unbelief and doubt that flitted through my mind.
One hot summer day, I sat weeping by her grave. I looked up at the clear blue sky and asked God, if he existed, to show me that he and Heaven were real. In that grief stricken moment of feeling so lost and alone, I longed for simple reassurance that I would indeed see my daughter again, because at that instant, I really didn’t know.
Through tears, my eyes focused on a wilted rose left from the delicate pink casket spray. Someone had stuck its long stem into the dirt right where I sat. I began tugging gently on the ugly, dead stem. Up, up it came. As the last part of brown cleared the clods of dirt, a tiny, fresh green leaf unfurled its beauty. With heaving sobs, I realized the significance of God’s answer to me at that very second. He calmed my weary soul, sending his message through a single dead flower that wasn’t so dead after all.
Jacob knew about being alone.
He’d met God while on the run from Esau. He had zero family near, was unsure of his future, and had no place to sleep except a pile of stones he used as a pillow.
Soon after, his life changed. God’s blessing and abundance became evident. Returning to his homeland meant facing fears of how Esau would respond. The night before the big reunion, Jacob heard Esau was headed his way with a band of 400 men. He sent presents for Esau, his 4 wives, and his passel of youngins ahead, then stayed alone at the spot where, unbeknownst to him, he would meet God once more. All night he wrestled with what the Bible refers to as “a man”. At daybreak, Jacob begged the man to bless him before he left.
God did.
Jacob named the place Peniel, saying “it is because I saw God face to face and yet my life was spared”.
Through our ongoing grief, I have found odd comfort in wrestling with God. After all, He created me, mind and intellect. He knows my questions before I ask them. His shoulders are big enough to carry the weight of my inquiries. Sometimes He answers in colossal, magnificent ways. Other times he gently brings me face to face with seemingly insignificant, dead flowers.
I loved this article. You definitely are a gifted writer. So expressive and you put color into your description example the dead rose. Bless you!!
Thank you sweet friend!
Dorothy, this blog hits so many notes and us beautifully written. But this sentence hits it out of the park:
“Through our ongoing grief, I have found odd comfort in wrestling with God.”
Oh may we always find comfort in Him, even in times of wrestling. Sometimes we wrestle about our doubts, but often to receive more of Him. To have Him wrestle down a wayward behavior or actions. To find His grace – His supernatural provision of His love, comfort and power for the tasks at hand. May we have the privilege of wrestling with Him more often. That’s the message which pierced my heart as I read that line and paragraph.
And how appropriate for the paradoxes of distraught feelings and fears faced in times of grieving. We can say to Him the things we are terrified to admit out loud. And He sees, hears, and helps. Thank you, Dorothy. Thank You, Jesus.
Thanks sweet friend for your kind words and encouragement!