Category: infertility

The Best Prize

Posted on by admin

“The days are long but the years are short “- Gretchen Rubin

Nobody ever mentioned to me when I was in the thick of exhaustion in the jungles of diaper changing, wiping 4 snotty noses and toting a million pound diaper bag on my hip that while those days were busy and hard, how equally hard it would be to be standing at the brink of new phases in my children’s lives like the one I am currently in.

I officially have a high school senior. And while I could be in much “older” phases and stages, here is where I am, thanks to 8 years of infertility. I love where we are. It is so much fun watching my children fashion themselves into the free thinking, unique, amazing almost adults that God has created them to be.

It’s really started sinking in that my birdies are so much closer to stretching their wings and flying from the nice safe nest we have provided for them. As I ponder that, part of me worries that I didn’t do enough to prepare them for life and that maybe they won’t be successful in their endeavors which will of course reflect my parenting. But, this! this time, this very age and stage is part of their own God given journey. As I reflect a little deeper, I know that our biggest goal has been to raise God honoring beautiful humans who will carry HIS love into our dark and often hopeless world.

Why haven’t I heard much about this stage? Maybe I wasn’t listening well? I realize that this stage is so much more “private” then the stages of posting the funny quotes of my 3 or 4 year old. Now mom’s Instagram is suddenly old school and I post more cautiously so as to protect and hopefully not embarrass my loves. Watching them navigate new relationships and praying more fervently then ever that God will bless them in their quests as they honor him is suddenly not really about me at all. The fun and sometimes outright amazing scoop on those relationships is not mine to spill.

I have one more school year with my oldest then she’s got plans that quite frankly terrify my on one hand and make me so proud I could burst on the other. I already set some boundaries on my calendar for the next year. I want to be more present, a lesson I never thought I’d need to relearn. I am looking for those memory making special opportunities like the one I happened upon this week. It’s so simple, it made me feel silly at its obviousness.

Recently I attended a party where we were invited to take a jar of homemade salsa for the birthday girl to judge. I used to be known for my salsa and really did enjoy making it! But I got busy. Low and behold out of the 8 entries, my salsa was picked by the birthday girl as “the winner”. I told my family as they hungrily watched me spoon the last spoonfuls into the jar that they could have the leftovers.

There really wasn’t any left and I heard my family muttering in the background about who was going to be the lucky one to finish the remaining bites of mom’s prize winning salsa. Over the next few days I made more to take to a dinner and again heard the wishes of those I love most who still were hungry for my salsa.

Tonight it hit me how simple it would be to make a batch for them, so I did. I chopped and diced and added all my secret ingredients because somehow like my mama before me, my recipes don’t always seem to turn out so well when I try to relay to my kiddos how to make them. I put it on the top shelf of the fridge with a note that said “because I love you…”

You should have heard the squeals when it was discovered.

The best things in life are like that. Simple. Mundane sometimes. Little. Not necessarily prize winning but important none the less.

When Mother’s Day Is Hard….

Posted on by admin

I used to love celebrations of most any kind. Don’t get me wrong. I still do. Mostly.

But as I’ve gotten older, the empathy in me has sometimes trumped my love of celebrating. I have struggled with the verse in Romans where it says “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep”….

What does this mean for us as Christians on days like Mother’s Day?

I have lived in a constant state of ambivalence on how this plays out between the exuberance of new motherhood and the grief of a mom who has lost.

As a new, young wife, my mind was filled with all the ways I might celebrate with my own babies as I watched my friends have 1, 2 or even 3 babies. Where was my blessing? What was the hidden sin preventing God from answering my deepest prayer. For many long years, I avoided church on Mother’s day because no one knows what to do with a wanna be mom on a day that celebrates motherhood. Yet, when my dreams did come true, I felt such guilt and deep sadness, when some close to me shared how my vocal pain had dimmed the joys of their first years of motherhood.

Finally I had my prayers answered. God granted my deepest desire. Then He decided He needed one of my blessings back. Once again I struggled. Well meaning souls reminded me that I should cherish my remaining children. Of course I did/do! But that does not diminish the pain of loss.

I’ve also struggled watching friends struggle with other aspects of Mother’s day.

Maybe their mom was abusive or stood by in silence as their father did the unthinkable to them.

Maybe they only carried their baby a few months, to short a time for the world to even know of the sweet painful existence.

Maybe motherhood never came their way.

Maybe their only child is no longer in the picture, either due to death or estrangement.

These are tough places! Ones with no pat answers.

I found Betsy Childs Howard’s writing intriguing. She says it well in her blog entitled “The Struggle of Rejoicing With Those Who Rejoice”…. Apostle Paul gives a compelling reason for rejoicing on behalf of other Christians: We are members of the same body. “If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together” (1 Cor. 12:26). If we are parts of the same body, then one Christian’s blessing is your blessing. What’s good for the foot is good for the leg and the hand and the eyes. Blessings are not a zero-sum game. There’s not a limited amount that God can bestow. If one part of the Body gets a blessing, it has not stolen it from another part of the Body or prevented that member from receiving the same good blessing in God’s perfect timing.

I have come to the conclusion that the secret to answering these tough questions is compassion. Compassion does not need to lessen the joy of celebration, but will seek God’s wisdom in how to bless those who struggle with kindness and empathy. It might mean instead of turning a confused blind eye, we take a moment to give a hug or send a note to the ones we know hurt on these special celebration days.

As time continues, I am indeed once again enjoying the celebrations of the day. So today I am relaxing with my 3 babies who are not so much babies anymore, while Hubby celebrates the day with his mom who turned 88 this week. I have loved watching their enthusiasm this week as we planned a totally leisure day that’ll probably involve homemade pie and seeing some pretty flowers and counting the blessings of togetherness! After all, It’s the Little Things.

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you! May God’s peace be with you today!

Thankful for the Locusts

Posted on by admin

So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the crawling locust, the consuming locust, and the chewing locust, my great army which I sent among you.  

You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied,  And praise the name of the Lord your God, Who has dealt wondrously with you;  And My people shall never be put to shame.  

Then you shall know that I am in the midst of Israel:  I am the Lord your God and there is no other. Joel 2:23-25 NKJV

I have always loved writing and began blogging as a means of recording “God sightings” in our family’s day to day moments. Those who know me well, know me as the hopelessly addicted to picture taking, post to social media freak.  I have always said that’s proof of the good times. 

After grief came, I wondered if the sun would ever shine again. Would good times grace our lives again?

We’d walked through infertility.   

Grief visited then too, but in a different way. 

I grieved what I perceived as wasted years.  

Afterall, didn’t God put the desire in me to be a mommy? 

Seasons changed.  

I always picture God giggling as He blessed us with 4 babies in 4 years. 

I was finally living the life I was destined for.  

His plan however was different than mine, when he called our Abby back to heaven unexpectedly after 3 short years here.     

My knowledge of grief was suddenly obsolete. 

I struggled with remembering God’s goodness when grief came.  From my point of view, the locust called grief destroyed all the joy we had known, leaving life bland, empty. 

As I have thought more in depth about the locusts, Job 2:10 kept coming to mind.  I love how it reads in the amplified Bible. “Shall we indeed accept only good from God and not also accept adversity and disaster?”  Job had just lost everything and I mean EVERYTHING, his home, his livestock, his crops, his kids.   Now Satan was attacking his physical body as well. His wife, bless her grieving heart, advised him to curse God and die.  (There’s a whole nother lesson for another day…) The verse ends with an admonition that still issues challenge for us thousands of years later.  “In all this Job did not sin with his lips.” 

He trusted that the God who had blessed him richly would take care of him during hardship and extreme adversity and loss. 

Same for me.

Despite my wrestling and many questions, God stayed close, constantly revealing himself as the faithful God he is.

Since then, my goal has been to make the best of messy, and to focus on God’s restoration of joy, even in our broken and to encourage others to do so also. 

Times & Seasons

Posted on by admin

“And the God of all grace who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1 Peter 5:10 NIV”

Today is not only the start of a brand new day, but a brand new season for me. Through an extended period of illness for me, we made the decision as a family to put both our daughters into the public school. Having known nothing else but the homeschooling I have done for almost a decade, I feel a little lost when I get up in the morning, even though I still home school my 7th grade son.

As I look back on our journey, I see very clearly how God’s divine hand led us to and through the places we’ve been. I did not set out to home school. But after many years of infertility and also having worked as a teacher’s assistant I went gung ho into the process.

It was indeed the best yes for our family’s season as we grieved the sudden loss of Abby. Grief can not be hurried or placed on a time table. We were able to putter about and do what needed doing in that time.

Back to the present…I have always loved writing and for as long as I can remember have written. I come from a heritage of writers. My grandfather was a devout Amish man who from my earliest memories sat holed up in his office pecking away at a manual typewriter writing for the Family Life magazines he founded or the Amish newspaper, the Budget. As a young child I pondered how one could possibly spent all that time tucked away.

I get it now. It’s in my blood.

My uncle Ira is soon releasing his second book after his first called “Growing up Amish” became a New York Times best seller. Along the way I’ve picked his brain and he’s always been super encouraging.

Both men are my inspiration.

Over the years, I have had much encouragement to write. As I have spent time exploring God’s call on my life, it has become apparent that writing may just be a piece of that puzzle.

Though I don’t yet know if me writing is for the greater good, or simply for my own healing and encouragement. I do know God has offered me the gifts of time, a support network, and a small platform where I can make my mark on my world, all gifts I can not refuse.

Our guest speaker at church yesterday, John Troyer, spoke directly into my vision. He talked of being plucky and asked us to raise our hands if we saw ourselves as that. Only one or two did. He then went on to explain that plucky is defined as “having or showing determined courage in the face of difficulties” I was to intimidated to raise my hand but after church my sweet husband questioned me about if I had raised my hand. At my reply, he stated quite abruptly that plucky defines me perfectly.

John explained how we are all pretty much created fully and completely average. Reassuring, isn’t it? But then we all have an assignment from God that is not limited by those around us. He finished by challenging us to remember that pluckiness keeps going and how each of us must allow God’s dream to be planted in us.

So, today, with my dream in hand I set out on a new adventure. It may seem a little scary and a whole lot intimidating, but I have a finished manuscript that has already passed several editing processes and just needs me to be brave enough to write an actual proposal, so I can get it published. I choose to embrace my new season with joyful anticipation because I know who’s with me.

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; Do not be discouraged….Deuteronomy 31:8”

Surprises & Miracles

Posted on by admin

I always get extra sentimental at this time of the year. This week is Kali’s birthday. All of our children are special gifts but her birthday always takes me on a trip down memory lane…bear with me if you’ve heard this before.  
As a child and even as a teen when ever asked what I was going to be when I grew up, my heartfelt answer was always “I want to be a mom”.  When Lowell and I got married we both assumed we would be married a year or so and then start having babies.  We soon found out it was much more complicated then that. Fertility testing and endless scrutiny medically left us wondering how anyone can get pregnant as there are so many endless factors that have to be in place before conception can happen.  When months turned into years and the pain of infertility slapped us in the face every where we turned we resigned ourselves to being a family of two, a fact so often mis spoken by many well meaning souls.  “So when are you two gonna have a family?”  AHEM, we are a family who happens to be unable to add children to the mix. We traveled on fun anniversary trips and did things we enjoyed.  Mean while our friends were having babies, some of them quite rapidly and moved on into the crazy child rearing years.  We weren’t there and yet we weren’t single anymore either.  Where did we fit. We considered adoption.  Lowell wasn’t ready to commit to that so we went on with life.
I wrote then too.  I have a  journal full of devotionals I wrote meant to encourage women who were in the waiting game just like me.  I facilitated an infertility support group and wrote a newsletter for couples. Church was hard. Mother’s day became a huge point of torment for my tired soul.  Baby dedications were huge joyous events that excluded me. When was God going to hear and answer my prayers?  
We tried all the herbs and potions and relaxed (which BTW is the most ridiculous advice ever to give to someone waiting).  We had every medical procedure we could afford and still we waited.
In 2005 we went out on a limb and bought a business we planned to do together till we were old and gray. About that time I was invited to a ladies meeting where much to my chagrin a very pregnant lady was  to be one of the guest speakers.  (yup, pregnant women were out to get me…)  I sat there holding back the tears and hoping I wouldn’t have to be any where really close to her thru the whole long night.  Well, God in his infinite wisdom decided to put me into the evening prayer group with none other then HER!  I lost it. Being the blunt person I am I flat out told her how I felt.  The next moments are a blur, but I remember her laboring to get down on her knees in front of me, 8 month pregnant belly and all and began to pray for God to heal my deep pain and grant the desires of my heart.  The other women in the group were weeping with me and began to prophecy (yeah that was a bit freaky for a conservative Mennonite).  One of them saw a vision of a tree that had been cut off.  In each of the rings she saw green shoots coming forth.  She told me she felt God was going to have me be fruitful as that tree either physically or spiritually. At this point I was kind of skeptical of prayer really working for us as many well meaning people had prayed and spoken encouraging words over us over the years. I had often promised and bargained with God that if He granted my desire that I would share the story with the world.  However this time was different. I felt different.  I was free.  Mother’s day was a few weeks later. I went to church and didn’t feel like crying my eyes out.  My friend had a baby. I took her a meal AND a big gift basket (something I had not been able to do joyfully before!) and I enjoyed myself.
In the end of July I flew to Phoenix to spend a weekend with my siblings.  I vomited the whole flight.  I get car sick but this was over the top. The flight attendants finally brought me a black garbage bag.  As we were getting off the flight one of them sympathetically said “Honey are you sure you’re not pregnant?” to which I emphatically responded, “There is NO way”.   
When I got home my tummy was still not very happy so I decided to take yet another pregnancy test.  I could’ve owned stock in the company by this time and should have figured out a way to buy in bulk.  Low and behold as I waited, two pink lines showed up in the spot where there was always just the lone one.  I nearly fainted and quickly ran over to work to show Lowell.  We were in shock.  The pregnancy was amazing and scary and wonderful.  I ended up with major surgery in my seventh month due to a torsioned ovary which resulted in lots of preterm labor and frightening stays in the hospital afraid we would lose our precious miracle God was finally blessing us with.
Now it was really me getting to have a pregnant belly.

It was finally me feeling the growing life inside of me.  It was finally me getting to walk thru a process I had dreamed of so long.  The birth process was unlike anything I had imagined but we had our baby.  Lowell couldn’t believe we really had a girl!  She was the first in his Miller family in over 70 years.
Our family had expanded in such a miraculous way!  At long last we were parents.  What a rush!
Then came life with a baby.  It was “our turn” at baby dedication.
I got flowers on Mother’s day.
My dreams had become reality.  Most people with the condition I have (PCOS) do eventually go on to get pregnant. I am blessed to have been in that number.  I have friends however who did not get their prayers answered in the specific way I did. Some have gone on to adopt, which is such a wonderful calling and special gift to the many children in need of families.  Some got pregnant.  Some still have empty arms.  My heart aches because I remember their pain.  I  can close my eyes and remember exactly how I felt and honestly some days even tho I am in the hecticness called parenting I still have to pinch myself to make sure this is really happening to me. 
God does have a sense of humor and chose to surprise us 3 additional times making us parents to 4 miracles in a short span of 4 years.  This year marks Kali’s 8th year of life and after the previous 8 years of infertility I remain in awe at the many miracles God does daily and am reminded of my promises to Him those many years ago…To HIM be the glory!  He alone is good and capable of granting the desires of our hearts!