Category: motherhood

You asked for it – Installment #4 “Nana’s Biscuits”

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**this post originated a few years back for my baby sis who lives 1000 miles away making it impossible for us to bake together as much as we’d like…

A favorite in our household is biscuits and gravy.  I am not the queen of either by any means but recipes are made for tweaking and perfecting and trying again.
I have been working for some time on simple biscuits, like my mama makes.

Now getting a recipe from her is kind of difficult.  She puts a pinch of this and a little of that along with a whole lot of love into a bowl and out come 100% pure yummyness.

I think she may have once upon a time kind of followed a recipe from my her childhood friend, Sylvia so part of this credit probably actually belongs to her.

There are those childhood favorites that we just must capture and pass along to the next generation….this is definitely one of them!

  • 1 c. flour (she always used King Arthur)
  • 1/2 t. salt
  • 2 t. sugar (organic evaporated cane is what I use)
  • 2 t. baking powder
  • 3 T. butter
  • 1/2 c. milk
First essential: Start with your favorite bowl.
Mine is an old antique find I got at a yard sale for $.50
Mix all dry ingredients with a fork
Cut butter into dry mix
With your hands or a pastry cutter make crumbs with the butter and flour mix
Gently add milk and mix with fork
You will have a moist, slightly sticky dough
Pat out into a small circle.  Mama always drops her dough onto the baking sheets
so that works too.  But we prefer the rolled dough.
A juice glass works perfectly to make just right circles.
Place onto baking sheet and bake at 425 for about 10 minutes.
Make sure to not overbake.
We love to eat them in many different ways, including hot with
real butter!
We are also fans of topping them with jelly, honey, cheese or real maple syrup.
No matter how, they are always delightful to the last bite!
What is your favorite sentimental recipe?

Enough

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I’ve been there a bunch lately.

In that place I call “the corner”.
It’s that uncomfortable state of being.  Many of us find ourselves at there, some more then others. 

If we’re honest.

I beat my self up there.

“Crazy” happens there and the “yucky ugly” comparison of me versus others who are perceived to have reached those gargantuan places full of perfection I can never hope to attain to.

There’s also the “what ifs” section of the corner.  It’s the place where every idiosyncrasy of my spontaneous nature is dissected and abhorred.

What if I’d been more rigid in my education style?  Maybe my kid would read better?

What if I’d been more watchful? Maybe I’d still be mom to 4 living children instead of 3 and 1 angel.

Lots of my friends have been there too recently, in the corner.

They stress and fret and stew and live really hard and sometimes very yucky day to day existences.

They wonder, as do I, about who they are.  Really are.

They wonder if they are worthy.

They wonder if they are loved.

They wonder if they are enough.

And they wonder if they can make it though one more day of pain.

I once read a home school mama’s book called “Teaching from Rest”.
Now let me tell you, I don’t get much reading time.  I enjoy reading but my current pace eliminates time for meaningful reading. But this book was short and I devoured it.  Every single line. It was what I needed at that moment.
It gave me the much needed reminder that rest is ok…and really actually needed…and that the crazy we subject ourselves to with the lists of activities and responsibilities (not to mention the beating ourselves up time)  we immerse ourselves in, while though they may be good are not always for our best.
It did not grant me a license to be lazy, mind you, but to re evaluate my priorities with the Best Yes philosophy that has turned my life upside down. (Go read Lysa Terkhurst’s the Best Yes if you haven’t yet…)
This also motivated me to re investigate the truths of the Bible and how they apply to my day to day.

Here’s my most recent list (since I’m all about lists…)

*We are LOVED. 
Ephesians 2:4 – 7 says “But God being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which He loves us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ…

*We are VALUED.
Matthew 10:31 says Fear not, therefore; You are of more value then many sparrows.

*We are PRECIOUS.
Isaiah 43:4 says Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life.

*We can make it through the tough.
Isaiah 41:10 reassures us of this..”Fear not, for I am with you; Be no dismayed for I am thy God.  I will strengthen you, I will help you…

* We are ENOUGH.
2 Peter 1:3 says “His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness..”
and then there’s this one…Ephesians 2:10 – For YOU are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works…”

How’s that for value?

If you like me and many others I love, struggle with who you are, let me shout to you from my corner that YOU ARE ENOUGH!

Fat, thin, short, tall, smart, not so smart, introvert, extrovert….You are loved by your creator.  YOU ARE ENOUGH!

So much has happened recently that has reinforced these truths.
I’m finding that so many of my beliefs center around my wrong thought processes and me not valuing who God created me to be.

Not that I need to take pride in wrong ways, but God talks much of our value in his word so there has to be truth to that somewhere right?!

I ran into someone, who in my mind is somewhat of a celebrity.  She bounces around in memories of my childhood.  She has also reached pinnacles of success I feel are never going to be my destiny.  (how’s that for the yucky comparison monster?) My first reaction at meeting her again had me shaking in my boots.  “She’ll never remember me…country mouse I be…” But as fate would have it, God reminded me of my value. I considered running the other direction or acting like I was busy when she entered the room.  But there she came, straight into “my corner”..and she remembered ME!  and had the same recollection of memories.  I’d have missed a great conversation if I’d stayed stuck in my corner, worrying and devaluing God’s handiwork.
Now, I’m not saying that her remembering me gives me value, but for me it is a reminder of who I am…I AM ENOUGH!

Casting Crowns has a song I love called Voice of Truth.  Take a minute to listen. Let the truth wash over you.

And if you are facing a “climbing out of boat onto the crashing waves” time in your space called life, take hope and remember…YOU ARE ENOUGH!



He is enough!



           

Thankful for the Locusts

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So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the crawling locust, the consuming locust, and the chewing locust, my great army which I sent among you.  

You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied,  And praise the name of the Lord your God, Who has dealt wondrously with you;  And My people shall never be put to shame.  

Then you shall know that I am in the midst of Israel:  I am the Lord your God and there is no other. Joel 2:23-25 NKJV

I have always loved writing and began blogging as a means of recording “God sightings” in our family’s day to day moments. Those who know me well, know me as the hopelessly addicted to picture taking, post to social media freak.  I have always said that’s proof of the good times. 

After grief came, I wondered if the sun would ever shine again. Would good times grace our lives again?

We’d walked through infertility.   

Grief visited then too, but in a different way. 

I grieved what I perceived as wasted years.  

Afterall, didn’t God put the desire in me to be a mommy? 

Seasons changed.  

I always picture God giggling as He blessed us with 4 babies in 4 years. 

I was finally living the life I was destined for.  

His plan however was different than mine, when he called our Abby back to heaven unexpectedly after 3 short years here.     

My knowledge of grief was suddenly obsolete. 

I struggled with remembering God’s goodness when grief came.  From my point of view, the locust called grief destroyed all the joy we had known, leaving life bland, empty. 

As I have thought more in depth about the locusts, Job 2:10 kept coming to mind.  I love how it reads in the amplified Bible. “Shall we indeed accept only good from God and not also accept adversity and disaster?”  Job had just lost everything and I mean EVERYTHING, his home, his livestock, his crops, his kids.   Now Satan was attacking his physical body as well. His wife, bless her grieving heart, advised him to curse God and die.  (There’s a whole nother lesson for another day…) The verse ends with an admonition that still issues challenge for us thousands of years later.  “In all this Job did not sin with his lips.” 

He trusted that the God who had blessed him richly would take care of him during hardship and extreme adversity and loss. 

Same for me.

Despite my wrestling and many questions, God stayed close, constantly revealing himself as the faithful God he is.

Since then, my goal has been to make the best of messy, and to focus on God’s restoration of joy, even in our broken and to encourage others to do so also. 

Times & Seasons

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“And the God of all grace who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1 Peter 5:10 NIV”

Today is not only the start of a brand new day, but a brand new season for me. Through an extended period of illness for me, we made the decision as a family to put both our daughters into the public school. Having known nothing else but the homeschooling I have done for almost a decade, I feel a little lost when I get up in the morning, even though I still home school my 7th grade son.

As I look back on our journey, I see very clearly how God’s divine hand led us to and through the places we’ve been. I did not set out to home school. But after many years of infertility and also having worked as a teacher’s assistant I went gung ho into the process.

It was indeed the best yes for our family’s season as we grieved the sudden loss of Abby. Grief can not be hurried or placed on a time table. We were able to putter about and do what needed doing in that time.

Back to the present…I have always loved writing and for as long as I can remember have written. I come from a heritage of writers. My grandfather was a devout Amish man who from my earliest memories sat holed up in his office pecking away at a manual typewriter writing for the Family Life magazines he founded or the Amish newspaper, the Budget. As a young child I pondered how one could possibly spent all that time tucked away.

I get it now. It’s in my blood.

My uncle Ira is soon releasing his second book after his first called “Growing up Amish” became a New York Times best seller. Along the way I’ve picked his brain and he’s always been super encouraging.

Both men are my inspiration.

Over the years, I have had much encouragement to write. As I have spent time exploring God’s call on my life, it has become apparent that writing may just be a piece of that puzzle.

Though I don’t yet know if me writing is for the greater good, or simply for my own healing and encouragement. I do know God has offered me the gifts of time, a support network, and a small platform where I can make my mark on my world, all gifts I can not refuse.

Our guest speaker at church yesterday, John Troyer, spoke directly into my vision. He talked of being plucky and asked us to raise our hands if we saw ourselves as that. Only one or two did. He then went on to explain that plucky is defined as “having or showing determined courage in the face of difficulties” I was to intimidated to raise my hand but after church my sweet husband questioned me about if I had raised my hand. At my reply, he stated quite abruptly that plucky defines me perfectly.

John explained how we are all pretty much created fully and completely average. Reassuring, isn’t it? But then we all have an assignment from God that is not limited by those around us. He finished by challenging us to remember that pluckiness keeps going and how each of us must allow God’s dream to be planted in us.

So, today, with my dream in hand I set out on a new adventure. It may seem a little scary and a whole lot intimidating, but I have a finished manuscript that has already passed several editing processes and just needs me to be brave enough to write an actual proposal, so I can get it published. I choose to embrace my new season with joyful anticipation because I know who’s with me.

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; Do not be discouraged….Deuteronomy 31:8”

What Matters Most

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2019 has been a year of changes in our household.  

Many have been major and more life affecting then we could have ever imagined. 

I must confess that I care too much about what others think about our life, so my anxiety has heightened in the process. 

I’m learning change isn’t always bad.  Sometimes it is the healthiest of choices. 

A plant can not become the beautiful green we see without change. 

Growth isn’t easy and is definitely not pain free. 

Leaving our church home of many decades topped the list of difficult change.  Lowell has referred to the process as more difficult than death. It has been a type of death, of life plans and dreams. Issues still unresolved bring harsh reminders, but God gifted us with His beautiful peace and strong awareness that our family is exactly where He wants us. 

My health has continued to be a challenge. I ended up with a hysterectomy, a partial thyroidectomy, continuing sinus infections, and will end the year with dentures (yes…at the age of 44) all of which are major changes. What really matters is that I am much better off without the diseased parts. The dentures are the most challenging, but I have been told the long term teeth issues are most likely at least part of the reason for the ongoing headaches and sinus infections. Even though, I haven’t felt the greatest and am back on meds that mess with my gut majorly, God continues to be faithful. 

Most recently we made a family decision that will change our lives dramatically.  The girls decided they want to go to “real” school and mom and dad decided to oblige.  Having homeschooled our whole family life and anticipating doing so to the end, threw me for a loop.  With the learning struggles our children have all had, my emotions have vacillated between anxiety at the job I have done as a teacher and not having them where I “want” them and joy at seeing their excitement. While I am sure there will be stresses yet unseen and hurdles they’ll have, I am blessed they have a good place where they already have friends, for them to start this different part of their journey even though it means mom has to learn a whole bunch of stuff she knows nothing about like bus schedules and lunch accounts.  What really matters is that my girls have had some really cool relationships that have readied them for this season. And they have God and his care and love guiding them. 

Another funeral for a younger (50ish) man from our church has reminded me again of how short life is.  All of us face difficulties and stresses. While I may sound like a broken record, each day is a gift. Living it to the fullest and doing so for the God who created it and us is what really matters most. 

Creative Chaos ~ Inviting Children Into The Kitchen

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If you’re anything like me you might shudder at the thought of having your young ones help in the kitchen.  After having 4 babies in 4 years, the many needs of littles took precedence over my love of cooking and baking.  

Now as I navigate through what was once my haven, I sigh as I remember my clean, organized, pre-motherhood kitchen.  Remnants of toast and strawberry jam occupy one corner, while a dirty pot someone warmed hot chocolate in sits unwashed on the burner.  A jar of peanuts with the lid half off sits beside my flour and sugar canisters. 

Can you picture it?

Now, don’t let me mislead you with the title, I am not always an inviting mother.  My descriptive tag could usually more accurately be “momzilla”. I confess that on any given day,  there may be frequent grumping and loud roars at my young one’s attempts to help me in what I consider to be my space.  Sadly, I am guilty of crushing tender hearts, sending them away in tears as I huff and puff, hurrying to just get done. 

As my children have grown into independent human beings with definitive tastes of their own, it has become more challenging to prepare a good balanced meal everyone consumes willingly.  

Each meal turned mom into an on demand, short order cook. The realization of how little my children actually knew about the kitchen and what happens there reinforced the reality that my impatience and inability to share my space was actually doing my children a huge disservice. 

Since we are a home school family, I decided to implement food prep and time in the kitchen into our schedule.  Each of my children, ages 13, 12 & 10 now cook independently or at least help me cook on their scheduled day. Doing so has forced me to be intentional in not making our schedule to full, a big key to a harmonious shared space.  My own grumpy doesn’t seem to sneak out as easily when we aren’t rushed. Plus, each meal has some kind of learning involved. Both reading and math are present in our menu, which is my sneaky way of practice for the one that struggles.  Surprisingly, I must say that involving my children has greatly decreased the appearance of the picky eating monster and I’m delighted to simply cook one meal that all enjoy. Watching their creativity as they plan, prep and prepare their meals has made my mama heart proud.  

When our oldest daughter was about 8 or 9 all she wanted to do was concoct her own recipes.  Though some things did not turn out as she envisioned, she came up with some yummy treats like chocolate apple pie. (it’s really quite delish!)   While she would rather be out playing volleyball, she never ceases to amaze me with her meal plans and foodie ideas.

Daughter number 2,  is my naturally born chef and at age 10, literally spends daily time serving us.  I find her entertaining to watch and wonder often what God is preparing her to be and do.  She tastes and samples as she goes, making sure each flavor comes through just right. She’s become quite the salsa making expert and loves coming up with healthier dishes for us to enjoy. Some days when ingredients are smeared all over the stove and every square inch of counter space, I have to bite my tongue and gently and quietly help her learn how to properly clean her cooking space when she’s finished with her creations, which is a life skill in and of itself.

Recently as the family bemoaned the fact that there was no dessert to be found in the house, my son asked if we could try making our own biscotti.  I had no idea at that point, that he even knew what biscotti was, but we had a bunch of fun looking through recipes till we found the perfect one. The whole container full was gone in about 48 hours so we set out to make them again, adding more of our own personal flavors the second time around.  While they still have sugar in them, it is less than a traditional cookie and I feel like I am serving a bit of a healthier option. Plus he and I made some great memories in the process. 

Here are some of our kid tested and approved recipes that are used on a frequent basis. 

Fresh Salsa

1 hot pepper

1 cucumber (optional) 

1 bell pepper

3 cloves garlic (crushed)

4 sprigs fresh cilantro (or 1 T dried) 

1 small onion

1 qt canned tomatoes (drained)

Juice of 1 lemon or lime (about 2 T) 

½ T salt

I allow my children to use the food processor when I am present.  It has been the easiest way to prepare this quickly unless you love chopping. 

Place all ingredients into food processor except for the tomatoes. We like to see and taste the individual flavors so we just pulse till nicely blended not pureed. 

Place chopped items in serving bowl and do the same with the tomatoes. 

Mix gently.  Refrigerate till serving time. 

This has become a staple in our home as it tastes fresh even in the dark days of winter. It is the basis of several meals and snacks including hay stacks and wet burritos both of which can be a yummy way to incorporate fresh veggies. 

King Arthur Biscotti

6 T butter 

Scant ⅔ c sugar

½ t salt

3 t vanilla

½  t almond extract

1 ½ t baking powder

2 eggs

2 cups flour

Add ins – our favorites are any kind of nuts especially peanuts and pecans, chocolate chip (white or milk).  We usually add about 1 to 1 ½ cups into the dough at the end.

Side note: We found this original recipe on my favorite King Arthur Flour website. I have found that these seem to turn out better using that flour. 

Preheat oven to 350.

Line 13 x 18 baking sheet with parchment paper. 

In large mixing bowl, beat butter, sugar, vanilla and almond extract, salt and baking powder till creamy.  Beat in the eggs. At low speed, add flour. Lastly gently fold in chosen add ins. Dough will be sticky. Divide dough in half and shape it into 2 logs about 10 inches long by 2 inches wide and about ¾ inch tall.  Wet a spatula and use it to smooth out the surfaces, making sure each log is the same thickness so that they will bake evenly. Bake the dough for 25 minutes. Remove from oven. Using a spray bottle filled with room temperature water, thoroughly spritz the logs making sure to cover the entire surface. Reduce the oven temperature to 325.  Place trays back into the oven for 5 minutes, then pull out and slice into ½ inch slices with a bread knife. Set slices on edge and place back into the oven for another 20 to 25 minutes or until they start to feel dried out and turn golden brown. 

Transfer to a baking rack to cool. We store in large glass jars. 

We love sipping/dunking these into hot chocolate, chai, coffee or even just plain cold milk. 

Our Favorite Family Salad Bar

Lettuce and/or other greens (I have learned my family loves the butterhead lettuce I purchase pretty much year around at Costco.)

Cucumbers

Peppers

Onion

Carrots

Broccoli

Cabbage

Eggs

Cheese

Bacon

Grilled Chicken, steak or turkey (Can grill a large batch and freeze for later!)

Various dressings

Recently some health challenges spurred me into thinking about incorporating even more veggies into our diet.  While I don’t usually run into issues with desserts and yummy main and side dishes, getting my kids to choose to eat salad seemed impossible until I started asking them for input on what they think might be salad topping. I have found that my children are fascinated with and love to use my kitchen gadgets.  This makes chopping, shredding and dicing a breeze. We serve each ingredient in a separate bowl, as I have found allowing each family member to assemble their own salad makes for a much happier meal time. 

The protein options actually make this a super simple and complete meal that leaves even my big eaters full. 

While I still am guilty of displaying a less than Christ like attitude to my children when they come into my kitchen,  I find it helpful to recall how patient Christ is with me in the learning process messes that I make. I am also painfully aware since my youngest daughter died suddenly,  how quickly life can change and that we may not always have the children we take for granted.  

God has gifted us with them and instructs us to teach them in the way they should go. Teaching takes time and patience.   I can’t help but think there can’t be a much more fun (and delicious) place to do so than in the kitchen. 

Magnificent Adversity ~ Finding Purpose in Pain

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His face seemed sad as he sat quietly beside me. I could tell he wanted to chat, to tell me the thoughts currently plaguing his mind.  

I struggled knowing the right questions to ask, though I could guess exactly what was coming.  

I had urged him to go to an overnight multi church event, telling him it would be fun. 

He’d been hesitant, but agreed to go. 

Since his little sister died 5 years ago, sleep has been an issue, so I obtained permission for him to bring his audio book and a noise machine our family has found to be helpful, pushing back the worry that it may be another way to set him apart. 

Sure enough.  

I watched my son, with tears in his eyes, explain how he had been the object of jokes and how the other boys had told him in plain english that he just wasn’t cool enough to be with them.  

Ugh.

I’ve thought as he’s grown, that boys are so much less drama than girls.  

How incorrect my assumption!   

I know my son is different.  

He’s left handed, dislexic, and big for his age.  

He prefers entertaining younger children over playing games with his peers and still, at age 12,  loves Thomas the Tank engine. 

He’s never been into playing ball or sports of any kind, thought we’ve offered to get him involved. 

Despite the list of things he’s not, he is a mastermind at fixing things. 

He is my troubleshooter, fixing anything from my broken food processor to the tv remote. 

Reading the hard copy of a book is not his strength but he has devoured close to a hundred full length, age/grade appropriate audio books in the past few months. 

Parenting has had many surprising twists and turns. 

I did not anticipate the sheer amount of drama that presents its ugly self each day. 

I remember some drama as a kid but the stuff my kids have experienced makes me contemplate moving the family to a deserted island. 

Just kidding of course.  

In all seriousness though, I long to protect them and just make things be ok. I wish life would treat them kindly.  Not that we need a pass for doses of extra kindness, but from my vantage point, grief pretty much made their playing field uneven, rough at the edges.  

I pray for Godly, kind friendships for each of my children and that they could be kind as God is kind, loving the unlovely and the unpopular. 

Mostly, I hope that I am not making them into feeble, frail persons who as adults will embrace a victim mentality, holding on tightly to every hurtful situation.  

As I continue to observe their stories unfolding, I am made painfully aware of how much I am just like them, insecure, awkward, unsure of who exactly God made me to be. 

This past year has been a real exercise in reminding myself almost daily that I am not the sum of what people have said and surmised me to be.

The pain of being labeled and defined by one’s weakness and past can squeeze the very life out of a hurting soul. 

It’s especially difficult when the most hateful of actions and words come from those professing the name of Christ. 

My teenage daughter spoke complete truth from one of our family’s lowest points this past summer stating simply that if the actions we have seen represent Christianity, she wants nothing of it, no part!

What then is the basis of living like Jesus, learning what God is trying to teach us and finding the good in our adversities?  

1 Thessalonians 5:11 says very simply “Encourage one another and build each other up”….

How do we do that?

The start may simply be understanding that God created each and everyone of us with meaning and purpose and treating those around us with that awareness. 

I recently sat through a super fun, community class where the main focus was studying personality differences.  We looked at our own strengths, weaknesses, joys and needs and then evaluated which other natures we get along with the easiest and how very important it is to remember the need for each and every personality God created. 

While some of the hard times in life revolve around more than simple personality differences, evaluating the reactions of others based on how God created them may help us extend grace much more freely. 

Maybe our focus is key?  

I am hoping that my children will see me work through my own pain, insecurity and awkwardness in healthy ways and that they will find the courage to seek and find God’s unique purpose for each of them and offer that grace to others. 

Living Deliberately

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Today my sweet friend buries her mother.

As I sat and chatted with her a few weeks back, she shared how she had helped her mom pick out the dress and jewelry she would be buried in. As I stood at the casket admiring the sparkle of the fabric and the beauty of the necklace, my mind of course went back to another time and another casket and the thoughts of those moments swirling in my brain.

Each death I observe seems to have that jarring effect.

My mom lost her first sibling a few months back, a brother just younger then her. They were close. My siblings and I are close to his kids. Watching them grieve has made me think about life in that sobering, change your thinking kind of way. Again.

After Abby died, I thought for sure I would never slip back into my old complacency and the lack of living intentionally. Sadly, I all to easily find myself there.

I don’t know if I will ever come to the place where guilt does not plague the thoughts of my last moments with her.

I was busy, to busy to stop and enjoy the moments.

As much as I know guilt is not the place to live, I struggle with the muddle at that very thin line between feeling sadly and living in peace.

Relationships and life in general can be intense and exhausting. Watching my friend and my cousins cope with the reality of sickness and death has reminded me much how the effort of multiple weekend trips or the time for the phone call are to soon memories and the only tokens left of the life of someone who was a deep integral part of our very foundation.

As I wrote much on my facebook grief page, I often ended with “mamas, GO hug your babies”.

That hug, smile or kind words may be the last moments we get to share.

We don’t know.

We aren’t promised tomorrow.

All we have are the moments right in front of us right now.

For me that means putting down my device or the work I think will never end and listening to my sweet daughters who both still love to talk to me, sometimes incessantly. It means hugging my touch loving son multiple times a day. It’s about calling my own sweet mama for our daily chat.

It boils down to cherishing the good, the bad and the ugly and embracing a life of intentional love.

Present for the Presents

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I love a good play on words.
Well I really just love words period.
I love how much better I feel when I can simply release, get the words that are pounding on the door of my soul out into the atmosphere.
Not that they are always profound or meant to change the world.  But they do. They change my world. My little corner of space. My canvas.  My place…
I started this blog as a means to cherish and record the moments of my life that though seemingly small are significant in the big picture.
Then grief came. And the darkness descended on those moments and I wondered if I would ever see the beauty in them again.
It does that.  That monster.
 Grief changes everything.
I thought I understood it before.
 Back in those infertility years when God seemed to be with holding the very thing I just knew I needed to be who He had created me to be.  A mommy.  I grieved the years I saw as “wasted”. That in between space where I spent hours consumed with the disillusionment I felt deep in my soul.
Then came the exhaustion of 4 babies in 4 years and the falling in love with each one as God gifted them to us.  The she died. And the grief I thought I knew all about became a silly side note in the overcoming deep ocean of continuous hammering on my soul. I had loved, opening my heart to a little soul who, despite the spunky annoyances she often presented, wormed her way into the deepest crevice of my heart.  My grief of yonder year was abstract, obsolete in the crashing waves of having loved.
Since then my crusade and mission has been to make the best of the mess, make lemons into sweet lemonade, see the beauty in the crap.  Sorry that may sound rough and uncouth. But its there deep inside and sometimes it just comes rumbling out.  I am like a broken record. I hear the sighs, the complaints, the mumble grumbling from weary mamas who think their season of hardships will never end.
The baby won’t sleep……  I wish I had a baby to sit and hold.
Diapers are so expensive.  I am sure the kid will be in diapers in kindergarten……  I wish I still had someone to buy diapers for.
I can’t wait till my kid goes off to school…….  I wish I still had my little someone here to bug me…
Now don’t get me wrong.  I know mommy hood is among the most exhausting, frustrating yet freakishly awesome task.  I know the seasons that are ever so short seem like they take years.
I am no saint.  I still yell at my kids.  I still need breaks and mommy time. But my perspective has revolved into something I would not have come around to had I not experienced the love/loss cycle.
I have lost track of the amount of times I have challenged mamas to go hug their children.
But that is what it boils down to.
It’s what counts. It’s being present with our children.  Truly present.  Sometimes that is hard. Very hard.  A fellow grieving mama recently asked me if I can enjoy my remaining children.  Her words struck a core deep inside.  It has seemed like life is over shadowed. But we must go on living.
Not only do they, but we also deserve to live in joyful moments.  Life isn’t pie in the sky.  Sometimes though the deliciousness of something sweet brings the reality of joy back around.
Those moments. They aren’t always happy.
But they deserve cherishing.
They will soon be memories.
I wanna make them good ones….
So through all that rambling I get back to the whole play on words – I want to truly be present to enjoy the presence of the presents God has gifted me with.

1 year in Heaven

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This week has been a roller coaster of emotion.
If there has been a silver lining to the storm clouds the past few months, it has been that we were able to refresh ourselves away from the constant reminders of her death.  While we love our home, it is filled to the brim with her.  We remember what she did here and what she said there and how she was silly under there. And where she died. While the flashbacks still affected each of us while we were gone, the severity and intensity wore off a bit and we can or I should say I can feel like life is maybe just a tad bit more normal.  New normal.
We arrived home from Mama’s on Tuesday which in our reality is the day she left officially but of course with the calendar life goes on…Lowell and I spoke of how Mondays and Tuesdays are still THE day and will always be. Randomly we cried and laughed as we drove along in Bessie remembering her the best we can.  Memory is changing.  If I close my eyes, I can still feel her soft skin but her voice is fading.
Wednesday, July 15 was cloudy and dreary most all day with intermittent sprinkles reminding me of all the tears that have fallen around our parts this year.  To me, I decided to let the day come as it may and to not hide away to shed my tears. We talked of her randomly through the day but it is seeming the intense emotion is beginning to dull for the children.  For me, I can cry quickly but it is not so fresh that I cry all the time and the crying is done and over more quickly.
 We talked of how Abby has been living with Jesus for 1 year now.  At one point, one of the children asked how old Abby is now. I never know what to say for sure as the whole time thing in Heaven is so different.  We wondered about if she will always be 3 or if she is getting ready to be 5.
Lex has been praying in her prayers at night that God would please give Abby a good day. I smile and let her express her heart and am glad that Abby’s reality is always good unlike our life here.
The perspective of children is always refreshing….

Our sweet friends Sara and Hannah organized a memorial for us at Abby’s grave the evening of the anniversary day.  My amazing friend Shawna (She is just launching a fab photography studio shawna marie imaging that you can visit currently on facebook…head over and like her page!) was there snapping away capturing the poignant moments as 75+ of our family and friends gathered with us to remember.
 Sara had gotten a gazillion balloons in shades of pink and red with special heart shaped ones for us 5. She took a pic of Abby and let the children and whoever else wanted to write a message on the backs and tied them to the balloon ribbons. Pastor Perry prayed a prayer and we sang Jesus Loves me just like we did at the funeral and then we stood and watched as they floated away.
Afterwards we all gathered in the basement and ate cookies and just plain sat and talked. It was peaceful, relaxing and fun.
Shawna put together a slide show which showcases perfectly the emotion of the evening.

                                            

I had decided not to go back to work this week yet.  I needed to settle back in. And I wanted to work on the Abby Memorial event, (Light up the night – remembering Abby) we had been planning to do this past weekend but due to mama’s illness had to postpone.  
I am happy to announce that we have a date.  Friday evening, Sept 18, 2015 from 5-8 pm
We are still working on location and final details but my dedicated helper and event brain Sara has all sorts of surprises up her sleeves and the event will truly have something for everyone, for all ages including but not limited to children’s carnival, concerts, tournaments, shopping and of course food! We are still looking for vendors for our vendor fair. We have quite the line up but would still love to have Tupperware, Wildtree and Pampered Chef. 
 All of the proceeds will go to Amanda the Panda family grief camp which has been a tremendous support for our family this year. I had written about them and our camp experience in my last blog (amanda the panda)   when we announced the date for the original date.  
Next weekend we hope to launch the event page and sign up page where anyone will be able to donate time and /or money towards this fun event!  Be watching.  You won’t want to miss this.

We are indeed blessed to have the amazing circle of people we do to walk this road with us.  Thank you for continuing to walk this path with us….All of you!