Category: love & marriage

What Matters Most

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2019 has been a year of changes in our household.  

Many have been major and more life affecting then we could have ever imagined. 

I must confess that I care too much about what others think about our life, so my anxiety has heightened in the process. 

I’m learning change isn’t always bad.  Sometimes it is the healthiest of choices. 

A plant can not become the beautiful green we see without change. 

Growth isn’t easy and is definitely not pain free. 

Leaving our church home of many decades topped the list of difficult change.  Lowell has referred to the process as more difficult than death. It has been a type of death, of life plans and dreams. Issues still unresolved bring harsh reminders, but God gifted us with His beautiful peace and strong awareness that our family is exactly where He wants us. 

My health has continued to be a challenge. I ended up with a hysterectomy, a partial thyroidectomy, continuing sinus infections, and will end the year with dentures (yes…at the age of 44) all of which are major changes. What really matters is that I am much better off without the diseased parts. The dentures are the most challenging, but I have been told the long term teeth issues are most likely at least part of the reason for the ongoing headaches and sinus infections. Even though, I haven’t felt the greatest and am back on meds that mess with my gut majorly, God continues to be faithful. 

Most recently we made a family decision that will change our lives dramatically.  The girls decided they want to go to “real” school and mom and dad decided to oblige.  Having homeschooled our whole family life and anticipating doing so to the end, threw me for a loop.  With the learning struggles our children have all had, my emotions have vacillated between anxiety at the job I have done as a teacher and not having them where I “want” them and joy at seeing their excitement. While I am sure there will be stresses yet unseen and hurdles they’ll have, I am blessed they have a good place where they already have friends, for them to start this different part of their journey even though it means mom has to learn a whole bunch of stuff she knows nothing about like bus schedules and lunch accounts.  What really matters is that my girls have had some really cool relationships that have readied them for this season. And they have God and his care and love guiding them. 

Another funeral for a younger (50ish) man from our church has reminded me again of how short life is.  All of us face difficulties and stresses. While I may sound like a broken record, each day is a gift. Living it to the fullest and doing so for the God who created it and us is what really matters most. 

5 Things Every Husband Needs

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In conversations with other wives the conversation often turns into “husband bashing” sessions. As Christians, I think this is extremely contrary to what God wishes us to do.
Now don’t get me wrong. My husband and I are so very far from perfect! And we have a history. About a decade into our now nearing 22 year marriage, we hit some really tough patches and were seperated for almost an entire year. Next to our daughter’s death, that 11 months apart was the hardest thing I have ever lived through.
Because of the miracle God worked in us in complete restoration of our marriage, we have had the privilage to walk along side other couples in tough situations.
When asked how we survived, we always respond with “ONLY by God’s grace and much effort!” It’s not easy. After almost a decade back together it is still not easy.
Here are a few things however, that I have learned along the way, that not only apply to my husband but seemingly to husbands the world over, and can hopefully help curb the husband bashing cycle.
 
 

#5. He Needs A Cheerleader
The workforce is a tough place to navigate. No matter what our man’s occupation, he needs encouragement. Even though we may not physically work with our man, he needs to know he’s doing a good job. He needs to feel like he has a supporter who cheers him on regardless. I once heard a stat that went something like this. As humans, we need to hear 7 good things for every 1 negative thing thrown our way. The workplace can be brutal. He probably hears more then his share of negative feedback.
Home should be different and a haven, the place where encouragment is a natural, daily part of life. 
 
 
One of our favorite things…camping! 
 
Now I must note, each personality will respond differently and have different styles of needs in the encouragment department. So find the most meaningful way to be an encourager to your man.
 
 
#4. He Needs a Friend
Remember how much time you spent in the dating/newly wed stage doing everything with your husband? 
 I can remember how as a new wife, I desperately wanted to spend as much time as possible with my constantly hunting husband.
That meant I took hunter’s safety courses, got my hunting license and proudly showed off the Browning A 500 rifle he got me.
It meant stiffling the urge to yell “run Bambi!” to every deer with in a mile and trampse through piles of snow and mud to track the ones shot by the group.
I did not grow up in a hunting family and was always the one to rescue the small chipmunks being tormented by the large hawks overhead. I also gave every pet rabbit and kitten that died the proper burial. 
So hunting was a real stretch for me but I did it because he was my best bud and I wanted those moments with him.
 
 
 
 
As we’ve been married longer, I no longer hunt, though my gun is still somewhere in the basement.
I have had to find other ways to connect with him.
Sometimes it is simply sitting on a dirty, over turned 5 gallon bucket and chatting while he works on his truck.
Other times I make an effort to run errands with him, making the attempt to not chatter his ear off but simply be a comforting and quiet companion.
How is your friendship with your man?
 
 
Epic day exploring caves
 
#3. He Needs You To Laugh With Him
This one kind of goes hand in hand with number 4.
As my husband and I have worked through our differences, we have found how important it is to have fun together. Laughter is an essential ingredient in a healthy marriage.
A few years back, he came home from work and wanted me to look at some You Tube videos his friend had shown him. Inwardly I groaned and wondered what silly shananigans he wanted to waste my time with.
Boy, was I ever wrong. What he had was Mark Gungor’s “Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage”.
Not all folks love that series as much as we do, but the way that Mark explains the God given differences in men and women had us in stitches for the whole set of several hours it took us to piece together the series on You Tube. 
We could not stop watching and laughing.
My shy, introverted husband bought the DVD series and ended up hosting a marriage retreat at our church with them! We liked them so much we shared them again just a few weeks back with a few couple friends. 
How ever you do fun best, make an effort to have fun and laugh on a regular basis!
 
 
 
All dressed up for a friend’s 40th birthday
 
 
#2. He Needs You to Trust Him
Trust. That’s always been on the tough list for me. It may be hard to admit, but I like to be in control.
Yuck.
I am learning however that trusting him is imperative. He needs to be able to provide for us. He needs to be able to care for us.
To me, this has been challenging even more since our daughter died as a result of drowning, which took place in our back yard. I tend to want to never let my 3 living children out of my sight. Even with him. But in so doing I ruin a lot of what could be happy memories for them.
God created men with spirits of daring and adventure that are so different from our mother hen spirits.
In trusting that he is capable of caring for the children he fathered, I embrace God’s creativity in creating him.
 
 
When I first posted this photo, I titled it “my favorite place”
 
 
#1. He NEEDS Your Respect

According to Emmerson Eggrich in his best selling Love and Respect, Men need respect like we as women need to feel loved. 
That one thought, though it made sense right off, has been a doozy for me to learn and apply. 
I could spend all day saying “I love you” to Lowell and it really wouldn’t trip his trigger. He needs my respect AND the actions to back up that fact.
This past year, I was very sick for many months. As a result, I had the time to listen to several of the Love and Respect Seminars and I had the time to think about how to personally apply the stuff I learned to our relationship.
For me that has “fleshed out” in my stepping back from my take charge style personality in order to allow him to flourish in the decision making process in our home. 
 I often wrongly thought that he did not need to or wish to be involved in a lot of the day to day life process. 
Since I have taken the time to get his opinions on things he is so much more confident and creative in what he brings to our relationship and we are working so much better as a team, together, instead of him in his corner and me in mine.
There are many ways to show respect.
Find what works to best respect the husband God has gifted you with!
 
 
sunset by the ocean, frizzy hair and all
 
So there you have my list.
It is not comprehensive and is not a magic cure all.
God created us unique and individual. 
Each of us is responsible to find the best ways to make our marriages work in ways that will best shine God’s healing, love and light to the world around us! 
 
 
 
 
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Giveaway Time!   
I’d love to hear from you and what you have found helpful in your marriage!  So to urge you along in the sharing process,  I am hosting a giveaway.  Winner will receive a chosen by you favorite **book of mine on marriage
(**may be in used format since I am the queen of recycle).
 
Winner will be drawn on Valentine’s Day
 
1.Post a pic of you and your valentine in the comments. 
2.Tell us how long you’ve been married.
3. Share 1 thing that you have found helpful in your marriage.
4. Share this blog (then comment telling me you did. Facebook and Instagram entries will be counted as well)
 
 
 
 
 
_____________________________
 
 



2 decades plus…

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21 years ago I said I do to the man I had dreamt of marrying for several years.  
I could not believe when my prayers were really truly answered and he called and asked me out that September night in 1996.  We dated for 3 months (yup…truly)  and got engaged during the 1997 New Year’s Eve fireworks in my parent’s yard in rural Abbeville county South Carolina. 
6 months later, 9 months to the day from our 1st date we got married in a little church in Greenwood, SC with about 200 of our closest friends, family members and 500 plus fresh roses. 

 Then began our life together.  We often refer to those first 5 – 7 years as the magical ones though sometimes sadly the sadness and tragedy of the latest decade dims the beauty and the happy memories that I am glad to have recorded in photos. We had infertility which was hard and consumed a lot of moments but other then that we really did have fun.  We traveled somewhere fun for every anniversary, something I really do miss now sometimes. We had 8 anniversaries before God answered our baby prayers. 

If we are truly honest, each of us married folk will admit several things.  First off, no marriage is perfect. We have ups.  We have downs.  There are, like our marriage vows stated, good times and bad.  We have health and then sometimes sickness.  Sometimes we have plenty and sometimes nothing…
Our last decade of marriage seems to showcase those worsts. But God has always remained faithful.
We lost everything we owned (home, van, dignity..) in a failed business venture.  Through that process we nearly caved  and lost us too. But God was faithful and glued us back together. Our reunion after nearly a year apart produced what we called our 2nd honeymoon baby. 


That was the only pregnancy we took professional photos to preserve.  Abby was born 9 months after we got back together and aptly named Abby, meaning Father’s joy.  She brought joy from the father and to her earthly father and all of us in ways we could not understand. 
Then God decided He needed her back and our hearts were broken into millions of tiny pieces.  But we held on  despite the statistics that showed higher then fathomable divorce rates after the death of a child. And God was faithful.
Through Abby’s death, several people came to know the Lord in personal ways including Lowell who came to a fresh and new salvation in October of the year she died.  You can see the joy evident in his face in the pictures from that time…


The next year my mom was diagnosed with end stages colon cancer and I and the children spent 3 months once again apart from Lowell, caring for mama.  Hard hard times as our grief from losing Abby was still so very fresh.  But God was faithful.  Mama survived and is thriving…



Last fall (2017) we became well acquainted on a personal level with the “in sickness and in health” part of our vows when I became ill with sinus infection which became super bugs and resulted in surgery after which I was hospitalized with sepsis (a serious through out the body blood infection…often fatal) and staph infection.  My recovery road is long and discouraging.  9 months from my initial illness, I still am fighting off stuff that Dr’s are trying to figure out how to best treat. I have very little energy some days and sleep a lot. I am trying to go on with life but my physical limitations are restricting and I am told the recovery window for the stuff I have most recently encountered is 6 to 12 months. 
On days like today when I want to be able to feel up to celebrating I instead must focus on that faithfulness from Father God that we are well acquainted with and think with gratefulness on the blessing of simply sitting with the man I love! 
We recently enjoyed going through our wedding songs. They are all favorites however the one that stands out to both of us as a testament of what commitment really looks like.  
We hope to be able to get our very old VHS put onto a more permanent DVD or other digital format but until then we got this song uploaded to You Tube.  I think you can see it by clicking on the words below.

Enjoy! 
 Happy Anniversary to my handsome hubby…here’s to 21 more.


For Better of For Worse – Reflections on Marriage

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Disclaimer: I in no way an expert on marriage. 
 We as a couple, like many of you have walked thru some tough stuff  (financial calamity, separation, death of a child, illness in family) and have found God faithful.  I must write simply to get my racing thoughts out before my head explodes….Our history has brought hurting marriages to our door, seeking the hope we live.  These thoughts come from those interactions which come as a result of deep pondering and intimate searching in my own heart. 



When we married nearly 19 years ago we had no idea the roads we would walk. If you had told me then what I know now, I would not have believed that I could still live and live with joy with the man God has blessed me with. After all he was and remains my hunk, my knight in shining armor, the one I wanted to ask me out in the worst way, begging God to allow it to happen….  Are we perfect? Absolutely not.  We mess up.  We fight. (just ask our kids) But God has gifted us with truths that have come to us at the right times that have helped us make it through the crappy moments and I can truly say that despite all of the pain I am happier now then I have ever been.  I didn’t get there over night. And I still stray away from there…that happiness. BUT,  Love is so much more then emotion.
If I could put down on paper a list of truths that have helped us most, these would be on it. No specific rhyme or reason just my random thoughts coming out as they do, maybe not profound but specific in our process.

#1. Love is not a fairy tale:  (Duh, right?) As young girls, society puts a selfish twist on expectations.  What will make me feel good?  Who will do everything right for me? I am a princess… This is dangerous as it sets the grounds for much disappointment in marriage and results in many never marrying as that perfection can’t be found. Now before you turn me off completely let me say that romance is a gift to be treasured and happily ever after DOES exist.  My prince may not ride in on his sleek shiny stallion bearing roses and chocolate each week, but he does ride in bearing gifts, a new dish brush or broom or a block of my favorite Muenster 
cheese.

#2. Laugh together, MUCH!  About a year ago my man came home from work all excited about a you tube clip his buddy had shown him.  I was nearly to busy to watch and could have completely squelched his excitement.  He had found the series, “Laugh Your Way To A Better Marriage”.  This has been huge for us.  We have learned so much about each other and have re established laughter in our home on a daily basis. Laughter is healing. It may not be this series that helps you but please find something that you can do together that makes you laugh…


#3.Take the time to hold hands:  Case in point.  One of our counselors made us do that many a moon ago.  You can’t really continue to fight if you hold hands.  And it’s fun too.  The other night, we had 2 hours completely alone that of course had to be filled with glorious stops like Aldi and Walmart.  Not having any little hands to hold brings nice opportunity…and togetherness.


#4.Study the Bible: We all know this.  But it is easier suggested then done. Sometimes when one is raised in a society saturated with the Bible, one can be lazy.  That’s me anyhow,  But the Bible has wisdom. Divine wisdom, about life, love, marriage.  And tho it would be nice to see handwriting in the sky, we have truth in our hands. That word has shown us much.  This is an area that has long disturbed me.  The women that sit with me, opening their hearts and their pain, revealing the less then Godly situations they live in, a great percentage of them are tormented by the scriptures that are picked apart and not taught as a whole. These are the ones who live with abuse whether it be physical, emotional or mental. The “wives submit” verse is hammered but the “submit yourselves one to another” and “husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church” are largely ignored. Lowell and I don’t necessarily study together but we often discuss what God is showing us in HIS word.  In our personal situation Lowell’s new found salvation has made all the difference in the world…. 


#5.  Be a cheeerleader: While Lowell & I are not necessarily on the same page on all issues or even our hobbies, we have found that stuff flows much more smoothly when we jump on each others bandwagons. He may not appreciate the energy my “causes” (events, pets etc) take but he supports me whole heartedly by taking care of the kids, offering muscle power and telling me “I can do it..”  In return, while I may not agree with his choices,  hunting, or the current political candidate he supports etc, I engage him in conversation about what he LOVES to talk about and try to join him in action as well. 


#6.  Establish your own family unit: This is a tough one.  Sometimes the apron strings are well secured. Extended family is a gift, but one that must be kept in balance. When we say “I do” we are now a unit, a family, me & you. Finding correct levels of interaction can be challenging and we must always use kindness and respect but for us setting boundaries that protect our “me & you” has been vital to growth and health in “us”.

#7. Encourage Friendship: Friendship is vital for health in marriage. Not only do I need female friendship that helps me use up my quota of daily words and emotions but He needs time to just do guy stuff.  It make “us” work better as long as we surround ourselves with upbuilding and encouraging people who are passionate about our marriage flourishing.  Ultimately God is the only one who can fill the voids we feel, but friendships designed by him can aid in the process. 



#8. Cherish the Gift:  How does one treat an antique heirloom or piece of value? We care for it, making every effort to insure that it is kept safely, not  scratched or dented or broken.  Our marriages are like that gift.  They are meant to be treasured, to be kept safe, protected. If I view Lowell in the correct context, I easily remember. He is my gift.  My treasure.  I am blessed!

Legacy of a Perfect Marriage (In an imperfect world)

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We just got back from a week of celebrations.

The first was that of my parent’s 40th wedding anniversary.  They rented a home on our family’s favorite beach, Edisto Island, SC.  All of my siblings and the grandchildren were present.

 We spent time playing in the sand and the water, building sand castles and catching sharks.  It was the first time my children had seen the ocean.

  It was pretty much magical.  It took me back to my own childhood and the many fun times my parents created for us.  Their marriage wasn’t with out flaws but they showed us love and mirrored God to us in their daily lives.

Secondly Lowell and I got to spend a few days in Charleston which is where we went on our honeymoon almost 17 years ago.  Our honeymoon was shortened due to me getting a horrid case of sun poisoning where I swelled up like a balloon and turned various shades of purple and pink plus I was incredibly nauseated and fevered.  We left after only a day or two saying we would come back again in a few years and do a more thorough tour of the town. When the decision was made to head to Edisto we jumped on the chance to send the children home with my parents so we could indeed go back.
We spent the time touring the old town, visiting a plantation and of course going back to the one place we did get to on our honey moon ~ Patriot’s Point and the USS Yorktown. Plus we stayed at a weird B & B with a bossy European hostess (but that’s a whole other story)

Honeymoon ~ June 1997
We decided to skip the big bucks and take a selfie on this trip
2nd honeymoon ~ May 2014
Life has been interesting these last almost 2 decades.  We had some great times, very happy times. We had some sad and painful times too. Since we had so many years of infertility we were able to do some traveling and even lived for a period of time in the beautiful sunny tropical Haiti.  As is probably the truth for many marriages we learned a lot of things about each other that were awesome and then we learned some that were anything but awesome.  But God was and continues to be faithful even in the midst of pain and trial just as we see and feel Him in the midst of joyful life experiences.
If you were to ask me what have been some of the biggest learning experiences of my life as a married woman (which will sooner rather then later be almost half my life) it would boil down to a few basic thoughts.
#1. Our marriage’s life story has to be OURS, not our parent’s or our friend’s or the marriage expert’s down the street.  While we can learn from those before and around us, we are unique and specially created and perfectly designed for the person God put us with.  Instead of comparing and competing we must look for the wonderfuls in us and live the moments to the fullest.
One of those moments…flying over the Charleston Harbor ~ Yes I was scared
 I would fall out but the “wonderfulness factor” of the moment was greater then my fear
#2. Don’t allow ANYTHING to drive a wedge.  One of the most painful periods of our marriage was our 11 month separation.  We had just experienced tremendous financial loss that took our home, our car, our dignity and almost took our marriage.  As they say hindsight is always 20/20 and I can see now that contrary to how I felt then,  I did carry equal blame for the split.   I took the pain I felt from a huge life event (told earlier in this blog-The Value of Women in the Church)  
and closed my heart to my man, allowing the wedge to be driven deeper.  Although Lowell had some pretty huge issues too, I had choices. As do we all.
#3. Other’s marriages may not always be how they appear.  If we are honest, real and transparent we will indeed see that all of us face struggles as well as joy. I know I am much more perceptive of pain in others and their marriages then I was before I experienced my own deep pain.  We also learned first hand how important it is to rally support for marriages in pain instead of choosing sides with one person over the other.  During our separation many well meaning people chose one of us over the other to “stand with”/”support”.   The pain from that fact still surfaces in random ways sometimes. 
For me,  because I was considered to be the rebellious and erring one in the community we currently reside in, I still face that attitude and spirit from time to time and have to admit it still causes pain.  It doesn’t matter here that I “left” my marriage for a season (temporary being the goal!) of healing on the recommendation of a Christian counselor I was seeing. Many promises were made to get me to “come back”.  Sadly many of those were never kept.
 Before our separation many considered our marriage to be great/role model material and it was, but we had struggles too and when the fire came we needed loving support not judgement and criticism.  Marriage is SO worth fighting for and so much of the time the things we see are not how things really are and what is really needed is true compassion and care and loads of prayer.
#4. Laugh More  ~ One of the things that has been instrumental in the healing process of our marriage is realizing that life is too short to be grumpy.  Sometimes when I find myself all uptight and stressed out, I set out to find things to laugh about.  There is a reason why Proverbs says a cheerful heart is good medicine.
I don’t have specific ideas of how our legacy will play out in the lives of our children but if there is one thing I want them to know and remember above all is that God perfectly designed and hand picked our family and their parent’s marriage and that He is indeed perfection in a broken and im-perfect world.
**thanks much to our own Evonda Braswell for the photos!  
My Love & I at the Mangolia Plantation (a must visit place!)

Surprises & Miracles

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I always get extra sentimental at this time of the year. This week is Kali’s birthday. All of our children are special gifts but her birthday always takes me on a trip down memory lane…bear with me if you’ve heard this before.  
As a child and even as a teen when ever asked what I was going to be when I grew up, my heartfelt answer was always “I want to be a mom”.  When Lowell and I got married we both assumed we would be married a year or so and then start having babies.  We soon found out it was much more complicated then that. Fertility testing and endless scrutiny medically left us wondering how anyone can get pregnant as there are so many endless factors that have to be in place before conception can happen.  When months turned into years and the pain of infertility slapped us in the face every where we turned we resigned ourselves to being a family of two, a fact so often mis spoken by many well meaning souls.  “So when are you two gonna have a family?”  AHEM, we are a family who happens to be unable to add children to the mix. We traveled on fun anniversary trips and did things we enjoyed.  Mean while our friends were having babies, some of them quite rapidly and moved on into the crazy child rearing years.  We weren’t there and yet we weren’t single anymore either.  Where did we fit. We considered adoption.  Lowell wasn’t ready to commit to that so we went on with life.
I wrote then too.  I have a  journal full of devotionals I wrote meant to encourage women who were in the waiting game just like me.  I facilitated an infertility support group and wrote a newsletter for couples. Church was hard. Mother’s day became a huge point of torment for my tired soul.  Baby dedications were huge joyous events that excluded me. When was God going to hear and answer my prayers?  
We tried all the herbs and potions and relaxed (which BTW is the most ridiculous advice ever to give to someone waiting).  We had every medical procedure we could afford and still we waited.
In 2005 we went out on a limb and bought a business we planned to do together till we were old and gray. About that time I was invited to a ladies meeting where much to my chagrin a very pregnant lady was  to be one of the guest speakers.  (yup, pregnant women were out to get me…)  I sat there holding back the tears and hoping I wouldn’t have to be any where really close to her thru the whole long night.  Well, God in his infinite wisdom decided to put me into the evening prayer group with none other then HER!  I lost it. Being the blunt person I am I flat out told her how I felt.  The next moments are a blur, but I remember her laboring to get down on her knees in front of me, 8 month pregnant belly and all and began to pray for God to heal my deep pain and grant the desires of my heart.  The other women in the group were weeping with me and began to prophecy (yeah that was a bit freaky for a conservative Mennonite).  One of them saw a vision of a tree that had been cut off.  In each of the rings she saw green shoots coming forth.  She told me she felt God was going to have me be fruitful as that tree either physically or spiritually. At this point I was kind of skeptical of prayer really working for us as many well meaning people had prayed and spoken encouraging words over us over the years. I had often promised and bargained with God that if He granted my desire that I would share the story with the world.  However this time was different. I felt different.  I was free.  Mother’s day was a few weeks later. I went to church and didn’t feel like crying my eyes out.  My friend had a baby. I took her a meal AND a big gift basket (something I had not been able to do joyfully before!) and I enjoyed myself.
In the end of July I flew to Phoenix to spend a weekend with my siblings.  I vomited the whole flight.  I get car sick but this was over the top. The flight attendants finally brought me a black garbage bag.  As we were getting off the flight one of them sympathetically said “Honey are you sure you’re not pregnant?” to which I emphatically responded, “There is NO way”.   
When I got home my tummy was still not very happy so I decided to take yet another pregnancy test.  I could’ve owned stock in the company by this time and should have figured out a way to buy in bulk.  Low and behold as I waited, two pink lines showed up in the spot where there was always just the lone one.  I nearly fainted and quickly ran over to work to show Lowell.  We were in shock.  The pregnancy was amazing and scary and wonderful.  I ended up with major surgery in my seventh month due to a torsioned ovary which resulted in lots of preterm labor and frightening stays in the hospital afraid we would lose our precious miracle God was finally blessing us with.
Now it was really me getting to have a pregnant belly.

It was finally me feeling the growing life inside of me.  It was finally me getting to walk thru a process I had dreamed of so long.  The birth process was unlike anything I had imagined but we had our baby.  Lowell couldn’t believe we really had a girl!  She was the first in his Miller family in over 70 years.
Our family had expanded in such a miraculous way!  At long last we were parents.  What a rush!
Then came life with a baby.  It was “our turn” at baby dedication.
I got flowers on Mother’s day.
My dreams had become reality.  Most people with the condition I have (PCOS) do eventually go on to get pregnant. I am blessed to have been in that number.  I have friends however who did not get their prayers answered in the specific way I did. Some have gone on to adopt, which is such a wonderful calling and special gift to the many children in need of families.  Some got pregnant.  Some still have empty arms.  My heart aches because I remember their pain.  I  can close my eyes and remember exactly how I felt and honestly some days even tho I am in the hecticness called parenting I still have to pinch myself to make sure this is really happening to me. 
God does have a sense of humor and chose to surprise us 3 additional times making us parents to 4 miracles in a short span of 4 years.  This year marks Kali’s 8th year of life and after the previous 8 years of infertility I remain in awe at the many miracles God does daily and am reminded of my promises to Him those many years ago…To HIM be the glory!  He alone is good and capable of granting the desires of our hearts!


Expectations & Comparisons

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I struggle with comparing myself and my family to others around me.  There I said it.  It doesn’t sound all that pretty.  

Why can’t my husband do romantic things for me like hers does?  They just went on a date last week.
Why don’t we have as much money as they do?  Their van wasn’t that old.
O if I were only 50 lbs thinner like…..?
Why am I so constantly willingly floundering in the great and vast sea of discontent?  
I have expectations. Not all of them are bad or a hindrance to Godly living but some of them are down right awful and don’t help the state of my ulcer at all.  Where do these expectations come from or develop? 
I wonder sometimes if I should take a break from social media.  Pinterest and Facebook and regular old email are great tools for connecting with family and friends from far away places but they can also breed stress and create incorrect expectations. (Don’t get me wrong, I am not planning any social media fasts any time soon)  Who doesn’t have a Facebook “Face”? We want for others to like us and for our family to look nice and proper and like our lives fit the perfect, “normal” protocol for Christian families.  What, my friends, is normal? I know our personalities play a large role in how/what we post but wouldn’t everyone do a double take if someone posted something like “My husband and I are really struggling right now” or “I just stepped on the scale and am really depressed”  Such posts would probably be met with one of two responses, pious advice or disdain and possible un-friending or at least making so one does not have to follow such depressing matters. (And yes they may not be all that proper for sharing with 500 people.) The problem with social media is everything is vague. You can’t see a person’s expression or hear the tone of their voice thru a post.  I have seen much pain as a result of mis-interpreted emails/posts thus deepening my belief that everyone’s perfectly portrayed  social media lives are probably really not reality and are therefore not really worthy of me pining my life away wishing that I had something different.  Like a very wise person once said, “We all have to get dressed one pant leg at a time”.  We all have good days and bad ones.  We all have relationships disappointments and blessings.  Sometimes money is present, other times it is not.  It boils down to honesty and communication.  Perhaps if we actually talked (really communicated!) more and spent less time dreaming on Pinterest or reached out to someone else who might be in need instead of focusing on the stuff we don’t have or made a general effort to cultivate lasting deeper relationships with a few trustworthy friends instead of trying to impress the 500 we have on face book we may find our expectations changing?
I am in the mommy stage which I do really truly love in case you are wondering.  The mommy stage has a lot of comparison/expectation pitfalls.  How much stress do we add to our lives trying to follow all the things set forth for us to follow by well meaning souls around us? Why do we care so much about what others may think about how we do things.  God created each of us with beautiful meaningful gifts to share with those around us which is far easier to do if we are not consumed with assumptions.  I have had several conversations recently that reiterated the need for us as mamas to start being more compassionate in our responses to other mamas so that sharing our gifts can happen more like it should.  
One of the mommy comparison traps for me is the depression that slaps me in the face when opening facebook and seeing one perfectly put together mom posting a selfie (she wears makeup at home? and actually showers and does her hair E-V-E-R-Y morning?) of her starting her day reading her devotions and sipping that perfect cup of froth.  I grab for every extra moment of sleep I can get then jump up, throw on my comfy clothes which aren’t usually the latest fad or fashion and pull my frizzy mop back away from my face so there won’t be hair in the pancakes I will make on my filthy kitchen counter that is still stacked with last nights dishes while sipping my lukewarm latte that simmered over the top of the pan. And while I talk to God all day long I don’t get my devotions done at precisely 6:38 each morning.  Now the big point here is there is nothing innately wrong with “super mommy” or with “messy me mommy” and while I could probably raise the bar on some of my expectations in my morning routine, God still loves me messy floor and all just as much as He loves Super mommy and all the perfectly planned time she spends with Him!  I’m really thinking it’s all about extending grace and kindness and being honest and real and working hard to turn our comparisons into companionship and our expectations into honest reality.  I want to work on that!
***Which the honest reality now is my *somewhat* clean kitchen is waiting for me to make dinner in it as my kids have that expectation now that the clock is nearing 5 pm.  Adios for now!

Housework vs. Hospitality

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I am people person.  Yes sometimes I need peace and total quiet but those who really know me best know I thrive on relationship and being around/with people.  I love having guests and enjoy being spontaneous.  However my life has changed quite drastically over the past 8 years.  I have never been that spotless housekeeper who washes her walls, wood work and windows religiously every spring and fall but during our 8 years of married life and keeping my own house prior to babies the way I kept house was dramatically different from the home we live in now. Stuff stayed put and mostly clean and in order.  While I am thankful in deep ways for the 4 beautiful ones who leave wet dirty underware in the clean towel cupboard and color to big a spot of their favorite color front and center on the living room wall (sorry bout that Phil & Bert) or leave cracker crumbs under the couch,  it HAS drastically changed the way we invite guests into our humble abode.  One time recently I was brave enough to invite last minute guests for Sunday lunch.  While part of the group was gracious about the sticky marks on the chairs, one dear soul, with disdain written across her face, came and got my dish cloth to clean the salt and pepper shakers.  I know she was probably trying to help but it was so very humiliating not to mention embarrassing.  Needless to say, I was slightly paranoid about the rest of the meal and extra nervous about how the kids behaved.  We survived and often as I think back to the event I pondered what God might be trying to teach me and how He actually looks at this whole cleanliness thing.  As I looked thru the Bible for the cleanliness is next to Godliness verse, which by the way isn’t there, I came across the story of Martha and her sister Mary.  Jesus comes to visit and Mary leaves the fuss and bustle and goes to sit at his feet (Hello–RELATIONSHIP!) while dear precious Martha keeps hurrying around with housekeeping details.  Finally she goes to bug Jesus about that Mary not helping her. Jesus turns to her and says “Mary as chosen the good portion”…
 As I browsed further, the headings of cleanliness took me mostly to verses about being clean and pure spiritually.  How freeing!  Yes I believe God is a God of order and He asks us to be wise stewards of what He shares with us.  Hospitality is however commanded various times in scripture such as 1 Peter 4:9 where it says, “Show hospitality one to another with out grumbling”  How simple is that?  I freely admit that I am the worst at grumbling about getting ready for guests. I grumble at my children in the process and get down right irritable at hubby if his ambition doesn’t match my own and honestly sometimes that is why spontaneous guests is sometimes actually better.  How can I as a busy mother chose the “good portion” over the ever enslaving housework which by the way will always be here?  I really wonder sometimes if our busyness in this era of gadgets that are supposed to simplify our lives is one of the reasons we see so much loneliness and depression in the world around us and even in the church?  How about we change our thought process around about what’s important and invite each other over even if we just serve popcorn and juice and step on cookie crumbs that have been left in strategic piles under the table?  (Or not serve any food as most of us are trying to lose weight anyhow)  God was truly genius in creating communities of people which He put together to form meaningful and challenging relationships and I am sure He is mortified that we are to consumed with cleanliness to take advantage of this beautiful gift. 





So come on over, I’ll roll out the paper plates (oops just used the last of those for lunch) napkins and my hazy cups (which are not all sparkly due to a dishwasher detergent error) and we’ll look around at our abundant blessings while we munch apples from my large stash and maybe even a leftover pumpkin bar or two.

**DISCLAIMER:  just in case you’re wondering, my spontaneous-do-it-quickly nature is the reason there are white lines on this page…I.can.not.make.them.go.away but I am hitting publish anyway 😉

Love and Marriage

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I am happily married (most of the time).  There are those days when I wonder what in the world I was thinking marrying this thru and thru Iowan who lived in the same house, attended the same church, shopped in the same town and had the same friends his whole entire life.  My life on the other hand was lived on a much, shall we say, broader scope.  LOL!  I can’t count on 2 hands how many houses I have lived in but with my personality that was just fine–I mean who wouldn’t love the adventure of having a new room and more new friends every few years?
If you would have told me 20 years ago how much work went into the institution of marriage I would have looked at you with my star gazer glasses on and said “O but when you find your soul mate..” and “who ever fights?  about money of all things?”   Yeah I was young and thought I knew all about it…
 I really can’t imagine life with out my soul mate who IS the man of my dreams.  I can’t tell you how long I prayed he would ask me out and then FINALLY he did!  After a whirlwind courtship we set off together with a whole truckload of ideals and a teeny tiny amount of “know how”.  We spent time in a third world country, faced infertility, experienced humiliating loss, endured a painful ugly period of separation and somewhere along the way gave birth to 4 precious miracles who have changed our selfish lifestyles profoundly.  We are far from perfect (I often get in trouble for somehow portraying that?) but we have a history and by the grace of God will continue weaving our own legacy for our our children.  There are still lots of things I wish I could change about him but hey it’s a 2 way street and I know I am not perfect! We are total opposites and both of us are firstborns (scary really!) but hey our life is never dull that’s for sure!  And while our romance may not be scripted like the movies (yeah we always end up at Walmart and/or Hyvee on our rare date nights) it’s perfect for me and a special blessing and gift from the Creator of love and marriage Himself!
The reality of the work that goes into every great marriage is enough to scare the most lovely, very brave souls away from taking the plunge and sadly is being played out in the decline of marriage even in the church today. A beautiful young friend recently made the comment to me that she doesn’t desire to burden herself with marriage as every marriage she sees around her is failing and miserable.  How sad and how often true? Marriage IS hard and we as the church are not making it any easier.  What would happen if instead of gossiping about every detail of something suddenly made public like a divorce or separation, we took those moments and lifted the couple in the spot light to God’s throne?  What if we tried to imagine life in their shoes and it scared us enough to keep our mouths shut and our knees worn?  As I ramble away here my heart is heavy for those around me who are in the depths of distress and despair in their marriages.  Being honest about pain is hard and opens us up to other people and their reactions and judgements of our circumstances. What would happen if we put aside judgement and were more open with each other and could step along side each other saying “we struggle too”?
Because our personal history includes marriage issues that became public I feel the pain of others in sad marriages in deeper ways then I ever imagined.  God has a way of making good things, learning and wisdom come out of our deepest pain.  I do believe he is calling those of us who are married to mirror his love to each other through our marriages thus affecting the negative viewpoints of marriage in general and establishing a more caring environment in our church families and our world around us where those who are hurting can be honest with out receiving judgement! After all marriage is a gift to be nurtured, treasured and enjoyed to the fullest!

                                                          My Love & I