Category: midwest

Amanda the Panda Family Grief Camp Weekend

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Our family was recently privileged to be a part of a wonderful weekend put on by Amanda the Panda Family Grief Center.  This wonderful organization was founded to help families deal with the loss of a child but has branched out over the years to include other loss as well.  Our counselor, Miss Kendra (Imagine Therapy Solutions)  had recommended this particular weekend to us months ago and we signed up right away.
As time drew closer, all of us at one point or another experienced cold feet and wondered if this was really for us.  It was. And we are all so glad we went. We came away feeling like God had orchestrated so many special moments just for us!
 I did not take a single photo.  Special thanks to the fabulous professionals who were there to preserve the memories of the weekend!

Amanda herself greeted us on arrival!  The children, especially Alexia were actually 
scared of her and hung back.  By the end they were hugging her every chance they got.  Lex told me
“Mama, Amanda is so sweet.  She was just there to give us hugs and high fives”
Hunter experienced terrible separation anxiety the few weeks proceeding and I called Carmen and Cindy, the camp leaders anxiously asking them if it would be ok if he needed us at camp.  They assured me the kidos would stay so busy and wouldn’t think of us.  I don’t think they did. 
Upon arrival we went to the huge common area where we all got tshirts and name tags and the kidos got to choose a new teddy bear from a massive stack of beauties.  

Then it was time to start the fun and they were whisked off to their dorms while Lowell and I went to find our cabin and meeting area.
From what I have gathered they spent some group time sitting and sharing about their loss.  They made beautiful crafts and played games and of course ate.  The big highlight was time with Amanda and the silly Crazy George who made random appearances all weekend. And they still talk frequently of their new friends and their group leaders. 
Crazy George “sneaking” cookies

We caught you Crazy George!
Kali described this as beautiful puff balls and says it represents all the beauty of God’s creation 
around us and that as we notice that beauty we need to express love.  In other words when we love someone, let them know…
Who has camp with out Smores?
Alexia & Hunter’s group – The Turtles
Kali’s group ironically had the name Monkeys -how fitting!
Meanwhile Lowell and I were off with our own group.  Adults with loss.  A few of us couples had lost a child.  Several others had lost spouses, some friends, some parents.  But our grief tied us together.
We spent time the first day working through the yucky stuff like remembering the events of the day of death.  An activity that got to me was called the 5 senses where they asked us to put down what we remember “sense” wise from that day…that was hard.  But we went there together.
The first day also included all of us writing thoughts on the anger wall, us in our group and the children in theirs. After we finished we all trudged outside in the dreary afternoon, placed the poster board in front of a tree and took turns throwing eggs at it symbolizing the releasing of anger. I had quite the experience with that one.  It felt silly at first but then it got more fun.  One of the brave leaders saw how challenged I was with aim and held up the board so I could hit it. As the egg went sailing towards the target I gasped in horror as I realized that it was headed not for the target at all but straight for Tom’s forehead.  I didn’t live that one down all weekend and yes thanks to his quick thinking he kept his head clean.

As time went on the boards got uglier as the goopy smear washed down the words we had written.  The last thing before bed was actually burning the board in all of its ugliness on our campfire.
The next day we would focus on remaining blessings and the gifts of love left us from those we lost.  Those beautiful canvases are displayed at Amanda’s house in Des Moines.
We were fed like queens and kings and waited on hand and foot.  The kidos got warm cookies.
We enjoyed craft time.  All of us especially enjoyed the Tie Dye

In the evening we took a hayride back to the beautiful pond (Wesley woods is a beautiful camp!) where we were given bunches of daisies.  As we plucked off each daisy and pitched it on to the pond, we were to reflect on favorite memories.  Lowell and I walked to a far corner and giggled and wept as we picked off our daises and watched them float away.  So beautiful.  So meaningful.  Wish we had photos…
On the way back to our cabins we were supposed to quietly respect the others in their own thought processes. However not one but 2 flat tires later amidst much laughter and kid like campfire ghost stories we were rescued by the big yellow bus and the mood stayed light through out the rest of the night.  Laughter is such a gift.
On Sunday we finished up our wall of love, which was just the opposite of the ugly anger board, and went to meet the kids for closing ceremonies and lunch. There each family was called to the front and given a white bird balloon and a marker to write messages on it.  I sat there in dread until “the family of Abby Miller”  then the tears came.  We got our balloon, wrote our messages and wept as we walked together out into the beautiful sunshine where the birds were released.

We watched them till they faded from view
There are so many more things I could write about.  A doctor came to answer our questions about death. We were given personal time to share our story.  There was a beautiful candlelight vigil where we lit red bear candles and shared photos of our loved ones. And we did have chocolate.  The food was amazing… O my. We are so blessed to have been able to participate!
Sporting our new tie dye
On the way home the children were talking of all the great memories and Kali says “Mama, I would like to raise money to help other families enjoy Amanda like we have”.  
So our family is setting out to do just that! 
 We are so very excited to announce a memorial fundraiser in Abby’s honor.  It will be simply titled “Light Up the Night ~ Remembering Abby”.  
Our Goal is to use the first anniversary of her death to bring hope and joy to our family and to the lives of other families who have lost or will lose children like we have, not to mention bring some light to the darkness of July 15. (THIS EVENT HAS BEEN POSTPONED TILL SEPTEMBER.  WILL KEEP YOU UPDATED! )  *****updated info!*****
This event will be held Friday evening, Sept 18, 2015 from 5 to 8 pm at a to be announced location in rural Kalona.  So many wonderful people are working with us to make this a beautiful celebration of the vibrancy Abby represents. It will hopefully be a fun night for people of all ages.  Our dear cousin Sara is helping me brainstorm and plan and has brought many wonderful gifts to the table.  Also key in this process are the fabulous ladies responsible for the camp we attended, Laura, Cindy & Carmen.
Amanda the Panda will be there as well as Abby’s favorite princesses. Yup,  my sweet new friend Kim will be there with her fab team and special guests, Snow Queen & the Ice Princess (AKA Anna & Elsa) as well as Rapunzel who is the theme behind the grand finale of the evening, the releasing of beautiful Chinese Lanterns.  There will be food, raffles, a silent auction and hopefully live music as well as vendors so you can shop if that grabs your fancy.  (I already have Younique, Jamberry, Mary Kay, Norwex and Zumba coming) There will be a corn hole  tournament as well as volleyball and of course the Kid’s carnival.  So there will be something for everyone to enjoy! 
Many of you have asked how you can help.  Here is a list of some things we may need.
  • We will need sponsors so as much of the money as possible can go to our cause.
  • We will need items such as food, drinks.
  • We are still looking for musicians to do 30 minute or so mini concerts.
  • We will need volunteers to staff the various events
  • We still have space for vendors.  I would love to see Pampered Chef, Tupperware, Wildtree and more!
  • We are hoping for a photographer to capture the evening in photos.
  • We need your prayers.  This is much larger then us already and will take some energy to pull off.
Amanda the Panda is a non profit organization that offers free grief services to people all over Iowa.  Free is key to people in grief. So much of our live is consumed with mere survival.  Not having to worry about cost for such services is a gift!
You can also join our FB page Remembering Abby for personal updates on our family and how we are coping with our grief.  I will posting updates about the big event there as well as on my personal FB page.
Once again, I can not thank you enough for walking this tough journey with us.  
You are loved!

Kansas Family – Grief trip part 2

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We are having an amazing week traveling about in Bessie (our trusty motorhome) making memories with our new family structure of 5.  We had always wanted to visit 2 of my mama’s sisters and their families in Kansas and decided now was the perfect time. Time flew but I managed to snap a few photos along the way.  This will be mostly for my family but you are welcome to tag along.
Before I start let me tell you about how vast my extended family is so you will understand how special time with any of them are.  My daddy comes from a family of 19 children – 12 boys and 7 girls.  I haven’t recently counted but I think I have 50 or 60 cousins from that side alone.  My mom is number 2 of 11 -5 girls and 6 boys and a multitude of cousins numbering more then my Marner side, close to 70 I think.
If there is one thing that has been really close to my heart in the last 8 weeks it is the importance of spending time with those you love.  Hence the decision to spend time with family and friends as we work through the pain we are processing.
We decided to spend one night with each aunt and they spoiled us royally. One morning they took me to visit a friend of theirs, Rebecca who lost her 18 year old daughter in a car crash one year ago this week.  It was strangely comforting to sit and visit with her and watch how she is walking through her process.

Aunt Rachel organized a balloon release party in honor of Abby’s birthday the evening we arrived.  My cousin Emily’s car was piled full of bright colors, some of which bore the message Happy Birthday.
We counted down like we did at her funeral…11, 10, 9….
We watched till they were nothing but small black dots.
Lester and Rachel made a giant bowl of popcorn over the fire in their very own Henry D “schisel”
Lots of games for the children.  My little cousins all somehow grew up and are adults now but how they played with and entertained my children and the rest of the next generation…
Kali took to my cousin Titus’ little sweetie who not only happens to be 3 but has so many Abby “traits”.  
Aunt Rachel took us on a tour of the country side on our way to lunch in Hutchinson.  I found the fields of Milo and the old cement grain bins/storage intriguing and beautiful. 
We all went for lunch at Freddy’s Frozen Custard (similar to our Iowa Culvers) 
The girls all wanted to sit with Nathan.
Sweet miss Olivia 
You’d think after a few days I could tell which one of the twins are which 
Nana Rhoda (my kidos name for her) had one excited boy waiting for an ice cream party on the beautiful back deck area.
Dawdy and his twin Grandsons
My cousin Gideon and his family were able to join us as well.  He is from another branch of the Yutzy tree.  His mama, Naomi is my mama’s sister also.
Marvin and Rhoda’s house has so many unique and very beautiful features.  Alexia and I loved the different porches.
Aunt Rhoda took me on a 4 wheeler tour of their beautiful spread.
We got up this morning and had a scrumptious breakfast that included my very favorite tomato gravy made in typical Wagler fashion and fresh donuts.  Both mornings we woke to smells of baking. The children wished we could stay longer but we needed to make the trek to Nebraska today. We left with lots of hugs and promises of getting to see each other at the Wagler Thanksgiving in a few short months. I am so thankful for my heritage and for the extra special blessing of family who loves me!

Process

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July 14, 2014 will forever be marked down in our history as the day that changed everything – literally.
It marked a new process, one that has so dramatically turned our world upside down.
Some days I feel lost.  I wonder around feeling like I should be doing something but find the what to be evasive.
Some days I feel angry.  If God is a God of love then why must He dish out a pain so deep it threatens our very existence?  And why couldn’t he take someone who was old and had lived their life or at least taken someone who was not so loved?  I mean that makes sense right? So many people live in secluded alone-ness not knowing anyone who truly loves them.  We lavished love on Abby. She was our spark and kept laughter in our home. Why her?
Some days I feel nothing. I look into the mirror and the woman who stares back at me is just a shell with a vacant empty despair. I don’t know who she is. I can’t remember simple things like my passwords used to place orders or where I left my shoes. Then I feel like I am in a bad nightmare and that if I can just truly wake up then life will be right again and I won’t have a stuffy head from the constant weeping.
Some days I wonder how this process called grief really works.  “O it’s just a part of it” they say.  You’re reacting normally. What’s normal about grief? Absolutely nothing.  My list mindset goes absolutely bonkers – there is nothing I can check off except for the fact that I took another breath that maybe didn’t hurt quite as deeply as the one before.  I took another step by simply telling my feet exactly how they  need to work..one in front of the other.  Lowell works and it helps him cope. For me, I get irritated when  people tell me I should get on with life and get back to work so I don’t have to sit around and think about this all.  Quite frankly even the thought exhausts me.  I am tired all the time and can barely keep up with the necessary things of daily life.  It confuses me though.  My clients and work have always been a joy and something I look forward to. Maybe someday normal will reign again….
Some days as I wonder around the store trying to get my bearings together, I find myself pondering if everyone knows I am in the grief process?  Maybe I should wear a sign. I find myself crying as I tell total strangers how I just buried my baby.  Most are wonderful and I end up with hugs which help most days.
Some days I worry about my precious very alive children and how in the world I am ever going to help them “process” correctly when I can’t even “process” myself? Alexia hasn’t touched the barbie dolls and pollypockets her and Abby always played with daily.  She told me the other night “Mama, I just need Abby to come play barbie with me”.  Hunter seems to be ok most of the time but  recently told me that even tho I tell him it wasn’t his fault that he still thinks it is because Abby asked him for a floatie and he didn’t get it for her. Kali still can’t sleep in her bed because she shared it with Abby. Last night was the first time she didn’t cry herself to sleep in many nights.  Her usual question before she drifts off is “mama why can’t we just go to Heaven too?”  My main answer is usually “because God still has work for us here precious one”. In my heart,  I know He does but man, this grief stuff really stinks.
Some days I wonder about what is really important and what in the world God is trying to teach me. I have always avoided the subject of death, simply finding it to morbid and not really ever focusing on it. Since spring of this year, death, terminal illness and sadness seem to envelop my small existence. My Grandmother died and tho I know she hasn’t really “been here” over the last several year and the fact is that we actually celebrated the fact that she could go on, it is still the final page of a chapter of our lives.  Just a few weeks before Abby died, my dear friend Jan was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.  She has been a faithful prayer partner and friend. I know she is ready to see Jesus but I am irritated that it is her that has been chosen for the process. I need her yet. Why are the things most dear to me being taken away? Some days it makes me scared to love…
What ties this mumble jumble process together? God’s love. It’s as simple as that. He loved Abby so much that He knew she would be better off with him. And hey, with the condition of the world and all the dangers and evil it really seriously isn’t that bad of an idea.  Some days I question how He could really love us and allow this to happen to us. But He is showing love to us left here too. He has surrounded us with praying saints who have shared with us how they wake up in the middle of the night and can’t sleep and spend that time praying…for us! He takes care of physical needs in ways that blow our minds. He also blesses us with promises of hope and the reality of the fact that we can go to be with Abby.
Our life is not a series of meaningless events that make up our existence but is carefully orchestrated and planned by God to bring glory to His name.  I have always enjoyed writing and blogging but never really got anywhere with it specifically.  The past 2 weeks have increased traffic to my work in ways I never dreamed.  People who wouldn’t ordinarily have any connection have happened by over 50,000 times. It isn’t about me but about that work that God wants to do through Abby’s life and her death.  I have a platform to share Jesus and his love.  Even though some days I shake my fist at Him and scream why, I am truly awed and humbled that God chose me to be a part of the process.

Photo Journal of Abby’s funeral ~ Take 3 ~ July 19, 2014

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So my sweet artsy friend Alaynna Schwartz of Playlife Photography showed up tonite with her absolutely amazing photos of Abby’s funeral.  They represent so many special details of the day that said ABBY loud and clear. Each tells a story in a very personal way and leaves no need for captions. I am in love with the detail, expressions, lines, feet, people
So with our further ado…..here they are!  I hope you will enjoy seeing them as much as we did the first time.

I have no idea who this little cutie is?

the tribute brought laughter amidst the tears…

Even Uncle Steven had bare feet

Hunter insisted on opening Abby’s “lid” once more…I can still hear his words here
“bye bye Abby”

Abby’s little Sunday school classmates/friends 
Leah 
Maggie

The releasing of the balloons ~ symbolic in many ways

I can not say enough about my siblings…they literally did everything for me during the blur of horror
from telling me what to wear, to doing my hair and making sure I ate and drank to bossing the line along when I hyperventilated at the viewing….Love them so!

Celebrating Abby ~ a Photo Journal of her Funeral week events ~ July 19, 2014 (Group 2)

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I had so many wonderful photographers show up to help us remember the moments of Abby’s celebration.  Each one is taken from a bit of a different view point and each one has been equally special to us.
This grouping was taken by my dear friend, Natalie Yutzy.
She came to our home for our special perfect night of lantern lighting, an event especially for the young ones.  It was reminiscent of another movie favorite of Abby’s – Tangled where there were lanterns lit each year in memory of the lost princess. It was very symbolic to us as a family of us releasing her spirit heavenward.  Many family and friends gathered in our yard and we watched together and at the end sang “Safe in the Arms of Jesus”

She also captured our fabulous service committee and their helpers hard at work preparing the delicious meal which is one of my favorite (total comfort food) – fresh green beans and scalloped potatoes with ham.
Our church family is awesome!
The rest of these pretty much speak for themselves….
Thanks again for watching out for us Natalie! Love you!
During the service Hunter got all worried about not having Abby’s “lid” open again so the funeral directors opened the casket out at the graveyard for us to have one final peek….Good bye sweet one

Celebrating Abby ~ A photo journal of her funeral ~ July 19, 2014

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I always thought that people who took pictures of funerals and the deceased were a little disturbed until it was our turn to bury our precious Baby, Abby Marie.  She was taken away from us much to soon and all of a sudden everything in my sentimental nature decided to go against the grain and ask for some professional photographer friends of mine to preserve the moments we otherwise would probably not remember.
****  Be aware there are some photos here of her in her casket, so if that is to disturbing you may stop HERE.*****
The first series I am featuring were all taken by my dear friend, Shawna Riche.  (you rock my friend!  Love you!)
I have no idea but I have been told that well over a 1000 people attended the viewing which was held at our church on Friday, July 18.  Looking back it was much to long a time for our exhausted state and I literally hyperventilated towards the end.  Grief is exhausting and not anything you can expect to be any certain way. Our family is all responding differently. You will actually see some laughter among the tears.  If it weren’t for supernatural strength from our faithful God above who gifted us with Abby for a few short years, I have no idea how we would survive.

**FYI  – you can enlarge any of the photos by  clicking on them

we asked for blue skies…
The family photo that was to be this year’s Christmas card
Donate life pins and bracelets
The children were exhausted by this point and after some conversation we decided to let them pick and choose when they would be at the viewing
Our sweet friend Hannah coordinated events for all the children that did come 
Abby hated wearing shoes and also adored pretty nails so we invited people to come barefoot and with pretty toes in her honor
We cried as we watched the sweet tributes.  The one for the viewing was set to music from the movie Frozen
We decorated the area around her coffin
The lines stretched on endlessly…so many sweet friends blessing us with just being there!
Many precious hugs
My 92 year old Grandfather, David L. Wagler arrived early in the evening 
Precious cousins who I rarely see
My Great aunt Rachel Graber (Grandpa’s sister)
When Great aunt Rachel thought she was alone she went back in to see Abby. I have to wonder what was going thru her mind.  She told me several times thru the week how she too lost one about Abby’s age, her precious Leroy.
Sharing kisses with Abby’s little friend (and second cousin) Vidalia who she prayed for every night
My grandfather’s load stopped by the roadside to pick these beautiful lillies- 
Then it was the dreaded funeral day which dawned bright and clear just as we had prayed.
One of the hardest parts…gathering for one final moment with her.  We placed small silver hearts over her chest and touched her face one last time.
Grandma and aunt Dini say goodbye
Sleep tight my sweet one ~ Mama will come too as soon as she can…
Someone donated red balloons in Abby’s honor as red was her favorite color.  I have no idea how many, but there were gobs that kept the kidos happy before the service.
Then came the moment for the longest walk of my life…
The grief was almost more then I could fathom as I followed the small white casket down the aisle
It was a perfect service filled with beautiful congregational singing (She learned the old hymn “I am the vine and you are the Branches” at VBS this year and sang it pretty much every day since) and a duet by my Sister and Brother, Janice and Steven along with many special words and scriptures, a dvd tribute set to the song, Heaven got another angel tonite and some home movies of Abby reading and singing

                                        

So final…little white box with golden angels adorning the center and a plaque stating her birth and death
We gathered outside the tent for the balloon release.Since she always claimed to be 11 we started there and counted down to 0 before releasing.
Many more tears and hugs and family time and wondering how we will all go on from here.
I am truly comforted by the scripture that says “God will wipe all the tears from our eyes”
And tho we keep mentioning all the things we would gladly trade for just one more moment with her I am excited to know that her death is not the end but only the beginning of her eternity with the Giver of Life.
Having her in Heaven not only makes me long more then ever to go there myself, but also serves as a reminder of the fact that Jesus calls us all to live for Him so we can go to where she is.
I am looking forward to that day….

Abby

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Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning….The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord…..


I am not all that joyful right now. My eyes and my head hurt from crying so much. Thankfully I did sleep,  for 4 whole straight hours actually.  My mind is swirling with all the details of our suddenly upside down life. I can’t fathom that she’s really not here anymore. Our Abby.  No not really ours, she always has belonged to God and just as He gifted her to us for a few short years, He decided He needed her back.
She was our honeymoon baby, another sign of God’s redemptive work in our marriage that had fallen apart. We found out she was coming to join us on January 16, 2010 just a few hours before Lowell’s dad slipped into eternity. We were back together a mere month after an almost entire year of separation. I was overwhelmed at the time with the fact that I had 3 other children who were 3 years old and younger. She arrived on Sept 14 of that year and from the very start she was different. Our 3 older blessings topped the growth charts with their heights.  She was barely on the chart. As a matter of fact the little purple swimsuit she was wearing at the time of the accident was size 18 months and tho it was a little snug she wouldn’t wear the others I got for her. She was spunky from the start and more then made up for her tiny size with her massive personality. When she entered a room everyone knew it. She was a bundle of loud, darling, amazing energy.
We all kind of slept in on Monday morning as it was supposed to be a lazy day, one of my days off. I recently decided that due to the influx of clients I was seeing in my reflexology business, that I needed to schedule certain days and stick to them so I could focus on spending more time with my children.  I can not tell you how very glad I am that I made that decision and followed thru.  The last few weeks have been magical in that we did a lot of things together, moments I will indeed cherish forever and never forget.
Anyhow back to Monday.  We were all excited about Kendal and Maria’s wedding shower that evening and most of the day I was going to putter around getting ready.  The children hadn’t swam much this year yet as it has simply been to cold.  However, on Sunday Lowell helped them fill the stock tank that we used as a swimming pool and they spent most of the afternoon splashing and playing happily.  Mid morning on Monday they were all begging to go swimming again and I said they could.  I helped Abby into her little purple suit and sent her scurrying out the door, glancing briefly to see where the other were at.  They were all out there at the pool and I knew the splashing and giggles were already starting.  The thought crossed my mind that perhaps I should dash out after her and remind them that she was there but thought about all the training we had done and the habits they always carried out.  I quickly went to my office to finish some work I had started. I wasn’t there for but a brief few moments when the door opened and I figured some wet feet would soon be scampering across my clean floor so I called out to see who was there. No one answered but soon the door opened again and Lexi says the words that will forever haunt me – “mama come, Abby drowned in the pool” I flew out the door and raced across the gravel with my bare feet and could see as I ran that Kali and Hunter were pulling a very limp Abby out of the water. When I got to her, she was limp. Her eyes were fixed in a straight ahead stare and white foam was coming out of her mouth.  I grabbed her and screamed out to Jesus to please save my baby and raced to the porch. Kali ran ahead of me and brought me the phone. I dialed 911 and pleaded with the lady to please hurry, that my baby was dead. She walked me thru CPR which I knew but couldn’t think thru.  I finally remembered that I had speaker on my phone so I laid it down and continued working, following her instructions the best I could.  Kali brought me my cell phone as she had called Lowell who wanted to know what was going on.  I told him our baby was gone and to please come home quickly.  Suddenly there were people everywhere.  Air care landed out by the field. Friends and family were there and were holding me when my legs just didn’t think they could stand any longer. The next hours at the hospital were some of the longest in my life. She had not been breathing for long enough they told us she had severe brain injuries and probably wouldn’t pull thru but that only time would tell. They cleared a space on her bed for me and I laid there with her stroking her small face that was covered in wires and hoses.  When I couldn’t handle it anymore I would get up and leave the room and go chat with the many friends and family who were holding vigil in the family waiting area. Our pastors were all there.  Pastor Leon and his sweet Jean stayed all night with us.  Jean would stay right at Abby’s bedside rubbing her little legs and arms and any other place that wasn’t covered in wires.  My dear friend Karma took off of work and stayed too.  She was our valuable go between and with her vast medical experience was able to walk us thru a lot of the tough decisions like weather or not we wanted to gift any of her organs.  Many other friends who I can’t all name came and simply held me.  Laura brought me my clean clothes and would walk back and forth to the ICU with me and held me as I sobbed over Abby’s bed. She has a dear sweet 4 year old who was one of Abby’s dear friends. Then my family arrived.  Janice and Evonda came first. A few hours later my parents and Steven and Rhoda and my sweet precious nephew arrived.  With each new person that came, we would make the trek to the room where the horror of the events really became reality. We cried and prayed and talked to her and told her how much we loved her.  We sang as we could, singing her favorite Jesus Loves me and the song from her favorite movie, Frozen -Let it Go. 
The waiting game is hard especially when it’s your precious child’s life hanging in the balance. As Tuesday morning dawned bright and clear, it looked like we would probably be there another 24 hours or more as she showed an ever so slight activity in her EEG. We planned to gift her heart so we knew the process could get long.  The rest of my family had arrived about 7:30am and she seemed to be about the same.  We were out in the waiting room chatting and milling about when I had the sudden urge to go see my baby.  As I arrived at her room I saw several doctors and nurses standing there watching her screens closely and soon they were all there at her bed and more machines were being brought in. The doctor looked at me and point blank asked if I wanted them to keep resuscitating her.  I looked at him in shock and said absolutely not but that I needed Lowell to make sure he was ok with that.  Some one ran to get him and just like that she was gone. We had enough time to get some wires off of her and move the bed from the room so I could sit in a big chair and hold her. We wrapped her in a pink and purple blanket and I sat there one last time with my baby cradled in my arms. Her breaths were short and shallow but I could still feel her small heart beating. We kissed her and told her how very much we loved her and told her we would be joining her up there in Heaven and that she should go on ahead and that Jesus would be waiting to twirl and dance with her. I have no idea who all was even there but all to soon the doctor came and gently informed us that her heart had stopped.  They turned off the ventilator and announced her time of death as 8:30 am. I don’t know how long we sat there and held her.  Family and friend poured in and held us and cried with us. Lowell took a turn holding her and then it was time.  Her little body began to stiffen and her lips began losing their color and the stench of death tickled my nostrils. I kissed her sweet cheeks one last time and smoothed back her hair. 
Then we were walking out of the hospital.  Our Sis in law Jannea had brought the children up to say their good byes and so it was just the 5 if us. It was surreal. I kept expecting Abby to come dashing out around as usual. I always walk along behind keeping a watchful eye on all the brood and she wasn’t there.  Then we were home and people, food, phone calls and emails came flooding in.  Every time I open fb there are more messages and friend requests then I can comprehend.  
We can feel the prayers.  It is what gives us the strength to put one foot in front of the other. It is what helps me breath even tho I feel like there is something crushing my chest.
And we have hope. We know where she is– in the sweet arms of Jesus and we know we can join her there.
Does that make this any easier?  NO!  Do we have any idea how our world will ever be set right again? NOPE! 
Right now we are clinging to moment by moment trust that the bigger picture will look prettier then the pain we are currently facing. We are holding each other a lot more and saying I love you more and we tell our friends to hug their precious children because life is but a vapor.
Abby’s name meant Father’s joy and while she truly was that her on earth we know that is one big reason she needed to go.  Her heavenly father wanted his joy home with him.
I never dreamed I would have to plan a funeral for one of my babies.  Picking out caskets and pall bearers and who will preach and who will pray was exhausting. We tried to plan a service that represented her vim and vigor for life and all the things she loved.  With such a small casket, 4 pallbearers is all we needed to pick. We chose people she loved to carry her to her final resting place, her cousins Chase and Nolan and our dear friends Kevin Kemp who she decided was her Kevin at VBS just a few weeks ago and her little friend Leah’s daddy, Dallas who farms the land we live on. He was always teasing her and calling her Betsy to which she would respond with some loud retort, usually “Mr Stinky Pants”. She just asked me a few days ago if I knew why she liked Dallas so much?  I told her I had no idea to which she responded “because he is sooooo silly”.
Thank you for letting me air out the jumble in my brain and for your continued prayers.

Legacy of a Perfect Marriage (In an imperfect world)

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We just got back from a week of celebrations.

The first was that of my parent’s 40th wedding anniversary.  They rented a home on our family’s favorite beach, Edisto Island, SC.  All of my siblings and the grandchildren were present.

 We spent time playing in the sand and the water, building sand castles and catching sharks.  It was the first time my children had seen the ocean.

  It was pretty much magical.  It took me back to my own childhood and the many fun times my parents created for us.  Their marriage wasn’t with out flaws but they showed us love and mirrored God to us in their daily lives.

Secondly Lowell and I got to spend a few days in Charleston which is where we went on our honeymoon almost 17 years ago.  Our honeymoon was shortened due to me getting a horrid case of sun poisoning where I swelled up like a balloon and turned various shades of purple and pink plus I was incredibly nauseated and fevered.  We left after only a day or two saying we would come back again in a few years and do a more thorough tour of the town. When the decision was made to head to Edisto we jumped on the chance to send the children home with my parents so we could indeed go back.
We spent the time touring the old town, visiting a plantation and of course going back to the one place we did get to on our honey moon ~ Patriot’s Point and the USS Yorktown. Plus we stayed at a weird B & B with a bossy European hostess (but that’s a whole other story)

Honeymoon ~ June 1997
We decided to skip the big bucks and take a selfie on this trip
2nd honeymoon ~ May 2014
Life has been interesting these last almost 2 decades.  We had some great times, very happy times. We had some sad and painful times too. Since we had so many years of infertility we were able to do some traveling and even lived for a period of time in the beautiful sunny tropical Haiti.  As is probably the truth for many marriages we learned a lot of things about each other that were awesome and then we learned some that were anything but awesome.  But God was and continues to be faithful even in the midst of pain and trial just as we see and feel Him in the midst of joyful life experiences.
If you were to ask me what have been some of the biggest learning experiences of my life as a married woman (which will sooner rather then later be almost half my life) it would boil down to a few basic thoughts.
#1. Our marriage’s life story has to be OURS, not our parent’s or our friend’s or the marriage expert’s down the street.  While we can learn from those before and around us, we are unique and specially created and perfectly designed for the person God put us with.  Instead of comparing and competing we must look for the wonderfuls in us and live the moments to the fullest.
One of those moments…flying over the Charleston Harbor ~ Yes I was scared
 I would fall out but the “wonderfulness factor” of the moment was greater then my fear
#2. Don’t allow ANYTHING to drive a wedge.  One of the most painful periods of our marriage was our 11 month separation.  We had just experienced tremendous financial loss that took our home, our car, our dignity and almost took our marriage.  As they say hindsight is always 20/20 and I can see now that contrary to how I felt then,  I did carry equal blame for the split.   I took the pain I felt from a huge life event (told earlier in this blog-The Value of Women in the Church)  
and closed my heart to my man, allowing the wedge to be driven deeper.  Although Lowell had some pretty huge issues too, I had choices. As do we all.
#3. Other’s marriages may not always be how they appear.  If we are honest, real and transparent we will indeed see that all of us face struggles as well as joy. I know I am much more perceptive of pain in others and their marriages then I was before I experienced my own deep pain.  We also learned first hand how important it is to rally support for marriages in pain instead of choosing sides with one person over the other.  During our separation many well meaning people chose one of us over the other to “stand with”/”support”.   The pain from that fact still surfaces in random ways sometimes. 
For me,  because I was considered to be the rebellious and erring one in the community we currently reside in, I still face that attitude and spirit from time to time and have to admit it still causes pain.  It doesn’t matter here that I “left” my marriage for a season (temporary being the goal!) of healing on the recommendation of a Christian counselor I was seeing. Many promises were made to get me to “come back”.  Sadly many of those were never kept.
 Before our separation many considered our marriage to be great/role model material and it was, but we had struggles too and when the fire came we needed loving support not judgement and criticism.  Marriage is SO worth fighting for and so much of the time the things we see are not how things really are and what is really needed is true compassion and care and loads of prayer.
#4. Laugh More  ~ One of the things that has been instrumental in the healing process of our marriage is realizing that life is too short to be grumpy.  Sometimes when I find myself all uptight and stressed out, I set out to find things to laugh about.  There is a reason why Proverbs says a cheerful heart is good medicine.
I don’t have specific ideas of how our legacy will play out in the lives of our children but if there is one thing I want them to know and remember above all is that God perfectly designed and hand picked our family and their parent’s marriage and that He is indeed perfection in a broken and im-perfect world.
**thanks much to our own Evonda Braswell for the photos!  
My Love & I at the Mangolia Plantation (a must visit place!)

Surprises & Miracles

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I always get extra sentimental at this time of the year. This week is Kali’s birthday. All of our children are special gifts but her birthday always takes me on a trip down memory lane…bear with me if you’ve heard this before.  
As a child and even as a teen when ever asked what I was going to be when I grew up, my heartfelt answer was always “I want to be a mom”.  When Lowell and I got married we both assumed we would be married a year or so and then start having babies.  We soon found out it was much more complicated then that. Fertility testing and endless scrutiny medically left us wondering how anyone can get pregnant as there are so many endless factors that have to be in place before conception can happen.  When months turned into years and the pain of infertility slapped us in the face every where we turned we resigned ourselves to being a family of two, a fact so often mis spoken by many well meaning souls.  “So when are you two gonna have a family?”  AHEM, we are a family who happens to be unable to add children to the mix. We traveled on fun anniversary trips and did things we enjoyed.  Mean while our friends were having babies, some of them quite rapidly and moved on into the crazy child rearing years.  We weren’t there and yet we weren’t single anymore either.  Where did we fit. We considered adoption.  Lowell wasn’t ready to commit to that so we went on with life.
I wrote then too.  I have a  journal full of devotionals I wrote meant to encourage women who were in the waiting game just like me.  I facilitated an infertility support group and wrote a newsletter for couples. Church was hard. Mother’s day became a huge point of torment for my tired soul.  Baby dedications were huge joyous events that excluded me. When was God going to hear and answer my prayers?  
We tried all the herbs and potions and relaxed (which BTW is the most ridiculous advice ever to give to someone waiting).  We had every medical procedure we could afford and still we waited.
In 2005 we went out on a limb and bought a business we planned to do together till we were old and gray. About that time I was invited to a ladies meeting where much to my chagrin a very pregnant lady was  to be one of the guest speakers.  (yup, pregnant women were out to get me…)  I sat there holding back the tears and hoping I wouldn’t have to be any where really close to her thru the whole long night.  Well, God in his infinite wisdom decided to put me into the evening prayer group with none other then HER!  I lost it. Being the blunt person I am I flat out told her how I felt.  The next moments are a blur, but I remember her laboring to get down on her knees in front of me, 8 month pregnant belly and all and began to pray for God to heal my deep pain and grant the desires of my heart.  The other women in the group were weeping with me and began to prophecy (yeah that was a bit freaky for a conservative Mennonite).  One of them saw a vision of a tree that had been cut off.  In each of the rings she saw green shoots coming forth.  She told me she felt God was going to have me be fruitful as that tree either physically or spiritually. At this point I was kind of skeptical of prayer really working for us as many well meaning people had prayed and spoken encouraging words over us over the years. I had often promised and bargained with God that if He granted my desire that I would share the story with the world.  However this time was different. I felt different.  I was free.  Mother’s day was a few weeks later. I went to church and didn’t feel like crying my eyes out.  My friend had a baby. I took her a meal AND a big gift basket (something I had not been able to do joyfully before!) and I enjoyed myself.
In the end of July I flew to Phoenix to spend a weekend with my siblings.  I vomited the whole flight.  I get car sick but this was over the top. The flight attendants finally brought me a black garbage bag.  As we were getting off the flight one of them sympathetically said “Honey are you sure you’re not pregnant?” to which I emphatically responded, “There is NO way”.   
When I got home my tummy was still not very happy so I decided to take yet another pregnancy test.  I could’ve owned stock in the company by this time and should have figured out a way to buy in bulk.  Low and behold as I waited, two pink lines showed up in the spot where there was always just the lone one.  I nearly fainted and quickly ran over to work to show Lowell.  We were in shock.  The pregnancy was amazing and scary and wonderful.  I ended up with major surgery in my seventh month due to a torsioned ovary which resulted in lots of preterm labor and frightening stays in the hospital afraid we would lose our precious miracle God was finally blessing us with.
Now it was really me getting to have a pregnant belly.

It was finally me feeling the growing life inside of me.  It was finally me getting to walk thru a process I had dreamed of so long.  The birth process was unlike anything I had imagined but we had our baby.  Lowell couldn’t believe we really had a girl!  She was the first in his Miller family in over 70 years.
Our family had expanded in such a miraculous way!  At long last we were parents.  What a rush!
Then came life with a baby.  It was “our turn” at baby dedication.
I got flowers on Mother’s day.
My dreams had become reality.  Most people with the condition I have (PCOS) do eventually go on to get pregnant. I am blessed to have been in that number.  I have friends however who did not get their prayers answered in the specific way I did. Some have gone on to adopt, which is such a wonderful calling and special gift to the many children in need of families.  Some got pregnant.  Some still have empty arms.  My heart aches because I remember their pain.  I  can close my eyes and remember exactly how I felt and honestly some days even tho I am in the hecticness called parenting I still have to pinch myself to make sure this is really happening to me. 
God does have a sense of humor and chose to surprise us 3 additional times making us parents to 4 miracles in a short span of 4 years.  This year marks Kali’s 8th year of life and after the previous 8 years of infertility I remain in awe at the many miracles God does daily and am reminded of my promises to Him those many years ago…To HIM be the glory!  He alone is good and capable of granting the desires of our hearts!


Housework vs. Hospitality

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I am people person.  Yes sometimes I need peace and total quiet but those who really know me best know I thrive on relationship and being around/with people.  I love having guests and enjoy being spontaneous.  However my life has changed quite drastically over the past 8 years.  I have never been that spotless housekeeper who washes her walls, wood work and windows religiously every spring and fall but during our 8 years of married life and keeping my own house prior to babies the way I kept house was dramatically different from the home we live in now. Stuff stayed put and mostly clean and in order.  While I am thankful in deep ways for the 4 beautiful ones who leave wet dirty underware in the clean towel cupboard and color to big a spot of their favorite color front and center on the living room wall (sorry bout that Phil & Bert) or leave cracker crumbs under the couch,  it HAS drastically changed the way we invite guests into our humble abode.  One time recently I was brave enough to invite last minute guests for Sunday lunch.  While part of the group was gracious about the sticky marks on the chairs, one dear soul, with disdain written across her face, came and got my dish cloth to clean the salt and pepper shakers.  I know she was probably trying to help but it was so very humiliating not to mention embarrassing.  Needless to say, I was slightly paranoid about the rest of the meal and extra nervous about how the kids behaved.  We survived and often as I think back to the event I pondered what God might be trying to teach me and how He actually looks at this whole cleanliness thing.  As I looked thru the Bible for the cleanliness is next to Godliness verse, which by the way isn’t there, I came across the story of Martha and her sister Mary.  Jesus comes to visit and Mary leaves the fuss and bustle and goes to sit at his feet (Hello–RELATIONSHIP!) while dear precious Martha keeps hurrying around with housekeeping details.  Finally she goes to bug Jesus about that Mary not helping her. Jesus turns to her and says “Mary as chosen the good portion”…
 As I browsed further, the headings of cleanliness took me mostly to verses about being clean and pure spiritually.  How freeing!  Yes I believe God is a God of order and He asks us to be wise stewards of what He shares with us.  Hospitality is however commanded various times in scripture such as 1 Peter 4:9 where it says, “Show hospitality one to another with out grumbling”  How simple is that?  I freely admit that I am the worst at grumbling about getting ready for guests. I grumble at my children in the process and get down right irritable at hubby if his ambition doesn’t match my own and honestly sometimes that is why spontaneous guests is sometimes actually better.  How can I as a busy mother chose the “good portion” over the ever enslaving housework which by the way will always be here?  I really wonder sometimes if our busyness in this era of gadgets that are supposed to simplify our lives is one of the reasons we see so much loneliness and depression in the world around us and even in the church?  How about we change our thought process around about what’s important and invite each other over even if we just serve popcorn and juice and step on cookie crumbs that have been left in strategic piles under the table?  (Or not serve any food as most of us are trying to lose weight anyhow)  God was truly genius in creating communities of people which He put together to form meaningful and challenging relationships and I am sure He is mortified that we are to consumed with cleanliness to take advantage of this beautiful gift. 





So come on over, I’ll roll out the paper plates (oops just used the last of those for lunch) napkins and my hazy cups (which are not all sparkly due to a dishwasher detergent error) and we’ll look around at our abundant blessings while we munch apples from my large stash and maybe even a leftover pumpkin bar or two.

**DISCLAIMER:  just in case you’re wondering, my spontaneous-do-it-quickly nature is the reason there are white lines on this page…I.can.not.make.them.go.away but I am hitting publish anyway 😉