random ramblings about life as we live it
21 years ago I said I do to the man I had dreamt of marrying for several years.
I could not believe when my prayers were really truly answered and he called and asked me out that September night in 1996. We dated for 3 months (yup…truly) and got engaged during the 1997 New Year’s Eve fireworks in my parent’s yard in rural Abbeville county South Carolina.
6 months later, 9 months to the day from our 1st date we got married in a little church in Greenwood, SC with about 200 of our closest friends, family members and 500 plus fresh roses.
Then began our life together. We often refer to those first 5 – 7 years as the magical ones though sometimes sadly the sadness and tragedy of the latest decade dims the beauty and the happy memories that I am glad to have recorded in photos. We had infertility which was hard and consumed a lot of moments but other then that we really did have fun. We traveled somewhere fun for every anniversary, something I really do miss now sometimes. We had 8 anniversaries before God answered our baby prayers.
If we are truly honest, each of us married folk will admit several things. First off, no marriage is perfect. We have ups. We have downs. There are, like our marriage vows stated, good times and bad. We have health and then sometimes sickness. Sometimes we have plenty and sometimes nothing…
Our last decade of marriage seems to showcase those worsts. But God has always remained faithful.
We lost everything we owned (home, van, dignity..) in a failed business venture. Through that process we nearly caved and lost us too. But God was faithful and glued us back together. Our reunion after nearly a year apart produced what we called our 2nd honeymoon baby.
That was the only pregnancy we took professional photos to preserve. Abby was born 9 months after we got back together and aptly named Abby, meaning Father’s joy. She brought joy from the father and to her earthly father and all of us in ways we could not understand.
Then God decided He needed her back and our hearts were broken into millions of tiny pieces. But we held on despite the statistics that showed higher then fathomable divorce rates after the death of a child. And God was faithful.
Through Abby’s death, several people came to know the Lord in personal ways including Lowell who came to a fresh and new salvation in October of the year she died. You can see the joy evident in his face in the pictures from that time…
The next year my mom was diagnosed with end stages colon cancer and I and the children spent 3 months once again apart from Lowell, caring for mama. Hard hard times as our grief from losing Abby was still so very fresh. But God was faithful. Mama survived and is thriving…
Last fall (2017) we became well acquainted on a personal level with the “in sickness and in health” part of our vows when I became ill with sinus infection which became super bugs and resulted in surgery after which I was hospitalized with sepsis (a serious through out the body blood infection…often fatal) and staph infection. My recovery road is long and discouraging. 9 months from my initial illness, I still am fighting off stuff that Dr’s are trying to figure out how to best treat. I have very little energy some days and sleep a lot. I am trying to go on with life but my physical limitations are restricting and I am told the recovery window for the stuff I have most recently encountered is 6 to 12 months.
On days like today when I want to be able to feel up to celebrating I instead must focus on that faithfulness from Father God that we are well acquainted with and think with gratefulness on the blessing of simply sitting with the man I love!
We recently enjoyed going through our wedding songs. They are all favorites however the one that stands out to both of us as a testament of what commitment really looks like.
We hope to be able to get our very old VHS put onto a more permanent DVD or other digital format but until then we got this song uploaded to You Tube. I think you can see it by clicking on the words below.
Disclaimer: I in no way an expert on marriage.
We as a couple, like many of you have walked thru some tough stuff (financial calamity, separation, death of a child, illness in family) and have found God faithful. I must write simply to get my racing thoughts out before my head explodes….Our history has brought hurting marriages to our door, seeking the hope we live. These thoughts come from those interactions which come as a result of deep pondering and intimate searching in my own heart.
When we married nearly 19 years ago we had no idea the roads we would walk. If you had told me then what I know now, I would not have believed that I could still live and live with joy with the man God has blessed me with. After all he was and remains my hunk, my knight in shining armor, the one I wanted to ask me out in the worst way, begging God to allow it to happen…. Are we perfect? Absolutely not. We mess up. We fight. (just ask our kids) But God has gifted us with truths that have come to us at the right times that have helped us make it through the crappy moments and I can truly say that despite all of the pain I am happier now then I have ever been. I didn’t get there over night. And I still stray away from there…that happiness. BUT, Love is so much more then emotion.
If I could put down on paper a list of truths that have helped us most, these would be on it. No specific rhyme or reason just my random thoughts coming out as they do, maybe not profound but specific in our process.
#1. Love is not a fairy tale: (Duh, right?) As young girls, society puts a selfish twist on expectations. What will make me feel good? Who will do everything right for me? I am a princess… This is dangerous as it sets the grounds for much disappointment in marriage and results in many never marrying as that perfection can’t be found. Now before you turn me off completely let me say that romance is a gift to be treasured and happily ever after DOES exist. My prince may not ride in on his sleek shiny stallion bearing roses and chocolate each week, but he does ride in bearing gifts, a new dish brush or broom or a block of my favorite Muenster
cheese.
#2. Laugh together, MUCH! About a year ago my man came home from work all excited about a you tube clip his buddy had shown him. I was nearly to busy to watch and could have completely squelched his excitement. He had found the series, “Laugh Your Way To A Better Marriage”. This has been huge for us. We have learned so much about each other and have re established laughter in our home on a daily basis. Laughter is healing. It may not be this series that helps you but please find something that you can do together that makes you laugh…
#3.Take the time to hold hands: Case in point. One of our counselors made us do that many a moon ago. You can’t really continue to fight if you hold hands. And it’s fun too. The other night, we had 2 hours completely alone that of course had to be filled with glorious stops like Aldi and Walmart. Not having any little hands to hold brings nice opportunity…and togetherness.
#4.Study the Bible: We all know this. But it is easier suggested then done. Sometimes when one is raised in a society saturated with the Bible, one can be lazy. That’s me anyhow, But the Bible has wisdom. Divine wisdom, about life, love, marriage. And tho it would be nice to see handwriting in the sky, we have truth in our hands. That word has shown us much. This is an area that has long disturbed me. The women that sit with me, opening their hearts and their pain, revealing the less then Godly situations they live in, a great percentage of them are tormented by the scriptures that are picked apart and not taught as a whole. These are the ones who live with abuse whether it be physical, emotional or mental. The “wives submit” verse is hammered but the “submit yourselves one to another” and “husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church” are largely ignored. Lowell and I don’t necessarily study together but we often discuss what God is showing us in HIS word. In our personal situation Lowell’s new found salvation has made all the difference in the world….
#5. Be a cheeerleader: While Lowell & I are not necessarily on the same page on all issues or even our hobbies, we have found that stuff flows much more smoothly when we jump on each others bandwagons. He may not appreciate the energy my “causes” (events, pets etc) take but he supports me whole heartedly by taking care of the kids, offering muscle power and telling me “I can do it..” In return, while I may not agree with his choices, hunting, or the current political candidate he supports etc, I engage him in conversation about what he LOVES to talk about and try to join him in action as well.
#6. Establish your own family unit: This is a tough one. Sometimes the apron strings are well secured. Extended family is a gift, but one that must be kept in balance. When we say “I do” we are now a unit, a family, me & you. Finding correct levels of interaction can be challenging and we must always use kindness and respect but for us setting boundaries that protect our “me & you” has been vital to growth and health in “us”.
#7. Encourage Friendship: Friendship is vital for health in marriage. Not only do I need female friendship that helps me use up my quota of daily words and emotions but He needs time to just do guy stuff. It make “us” work better as long as we surround ourselves with upbuilding and encouraging people who are passionate about our marriage flourishing. Ultimately God is the only one who can fill the voids we feel, but friendships designed by him can aid in the process.
#8. Cherish the Gift: How does one treat an antique heirloom or piece of value? We care for it, making every effort to insure that it is kept safely, not scratched or dented or broken. Our marriages are like that gift. They are meant to be treasured, to be kept safe, protected. If I view Lowell in the correct context, I easily remember. He is my gift. My treasure. I am blessed!
We just got back from a week of celebrations.
The first was that of my parent’s 40th wedding anniversary. They rented a home on our family’s favorite beach, Edisto Island, SC. All of my siblings and the grandchildren were present.
We spent time playing in the sand and the water, building sand castles and catching sharks. It was the first time my children had seen the ocean.
It was pretty much magical. It took me back to my own childhood and the many fun times my parents created for us. Their marriage wasn’t with out flaws but they showed us love and mirrored God to us in their daily lives.
Secondly Lowell and I got to spend a few days in Charleston which is where we went on our honeymoon almost 17 years ago. Our honeymoon was shortened due to me getting a horrid case of sun poisoning where I swelled up like a balloon and turned various shades of purple and pink plus I was incredibly nauseated and fevered. We left after only a day or two saying we would come back again in a few years and do a more thorough tour of the town. When the decision was made to head to Edisto we jumped on the chance to send the children home with my parents so we could indeed go back.
We spent the time touring the old town, visiting a plantation and of course going back to the one place we did get to on our honey moon ~ Patriot’s Point and the USS Yorktown. Plus we stayed at a weird B & B with a bossy European hostess (but that’s a whole other story)
I always get extra sentimental at this time of the year. This week is Kali’s birthday. All of our children are special gifts but her birthday always takes me on a trip down memory lane…bear with me if you’ve heard this before.
As a child and even as a teen when ever asked what I was going to be when I grew up, my heartfelt answer was always “I want to be a mom”. When Lowell and I got married we both assumed we would be married a year or so and then start having babies. We soon found out it was much more complicated then that. Fertility testing and endless scrutiny medically left us wondering how anyone can get pregnant as there are so many endless factors that have to be in place before conception can happen. When months turned into years and the pain of infertility slapped us in the face every where we turned we resigned ourselves to being a family of two, a fact so often mis spoken by many well meaning souls. “So when are you two gonna have a family?” AHEM, we are a family who happens to be unable to add children to the mix. We traveled on fun anniversary trips and did things we enjoyed. Mean while our friends were having babies, some of them quite rapidly and moved on into the crazy child rearing years. We weren’t there and yet we weren’t single anymore either. Where did we fit. We considered adoption. Lowell wasn’t ready to commit to that so we went on with life.
I wrote then too. I have a journal full of devotionals I wrote meant to encourage women who were in the waiting game just like me. I facilitated an infertility support group and wrote a newsletter for couples. Church was hard. Mother’s day became a huge point of torment for my tired soul. Baby dedications were huge joyous events that excluded me. When was God going to hear and answer my prayers?
We tried all the herbs and potions and relaxed (which BTW is the most ridiculous advice ever to give to someone waiting). We had every medical procedure we could afford and still we waited.
In 2005 we went out on a limb and bought a business we planned to do together till we were old and gray. About that time I was invited to a ladies meeting where much to my chagrin a very pregnant lady was to be one of the guest speakers. (yup, pregnant women were out to get me…) I sat there holding back the tears and hoping I wouldn’t have to be any where really close to her thru the whole long night. Well, God in his infinite wisdom decided to put me into the evening prayer group with none other then HER! I lost it. Being the blunt person I am I flat out told her how I felt. The next moments are a blur, but I remember her laboring to get down on her knees in front of me, 8 month pregnant belly and all and began to pray for God to heal my deep pain and grant the desires of my heart. The other women in the group were weeping with me and began to prophecy (yeah that was a bit freaky for a conservative Mennonite). One of them saw a vision of a tree that had been cut off. In each of the rings she saw green shoots coming forth. She told me she felt God was going to have me be fruitful as that tree either physically or spiritually. At this point I was kind of skeptical of prayer really working for us as many well meaning people had prayed and spoken encouraging words over us over the years. I had often promised and bargained with God that if He granted my desire that I would share the story with the world. However this time was different. I felt different. I was free. Mother’s day was a few weeks later. I went to church and didn’t feel like crying my eyes out. My friend had a baby. I took her a meal AND a big gift basket (something I had not been able to do joyfully before!) and I enjoyed myself.
In the end of July I flew to Phoenix to spend a weekend with my siblings. I vomited the whole flight. I get car sick but this was over the top. The flight attendants finally brought me a black garbage bag. As we were getting off the flight one of them sympathetically said “Honey are you sure you’re not pregnant?” to which I emphatically responded, “There is NO way”.
When I got home my tummy was still not very happy so I decided to take yet another pregnancy test. I could’ve owned stock in the company by this time and should have figured out a way to buy in bulk. Low and behold as I waited, two pink lines showed up in the spot where there was always just the lone one. I nearly fainted and quickly ran over to work to show Lowell. We were in shock. The pregnancy was amazing and scary and wonderful. I ended up with major surgery in my seventh month due to a torsioned ovary which resulted in lots of preterm labor and frightening stays in the hospital afraid we would lose our precious miracle God was finally blessing us with.
Now it was really me getting to have a pregnant belly.
I struggle with comparing myself and my family to others around me. There I said it. It doesn’t sound all that pretty.
I am people person. Yes sometimes I need peace and total quiet but those who really know me best know I thrive on relationship and being around/with people. I love having guests and enjoy being spontaneous. However my life has changed quite drastically over the past 8 years. I have never been that spotless housekeeper who washes her walls, wood work and windows religiously every spring and fall but during our 8 years of married life and keeping my own house prior to babies the way I kept house was dramatically different from the home we live in now. Stuff stayed put and mostly clean and in order. While I am thankful in deep ways for the 4 beautiful ones who leave wet dirty underware in the clean towel cupboard and color to big a spot of their favorite color front and center on the living room wall (sorry bout that Phil & Bert) or leave cracker crumbs under the couch, it HAS drastically changed the way we invite guests into our humble abode. One time recently I was brave enough to invite last minute guests for Sunday lunch. While part of the group was gracious about the sticky marks on the chairs, one dear soul, with disdain written across her face, came and got my dish cloth to clean the salt and pepper shakers. I know she was probably trying to help but it was so very humiliating not to mention embarrassing. Needless to say, I was slightly paranoid about the rest of the meal and extra nervous about how the kids behaved. We survived and often as I think back to the event I pondered what God might be trying to teach me and how He actually looks at this whole cleanliness thing. As I looked thru the Bible for the cleanliness is next to Godliness verse, which by the way isn’t there, I came across the story of Martha and her sister Mary. Jesus comes to visit and Mary leaves the fuss and bustle and goes to sit at his feet (Hello–RELATIONSHIP!) while dear precious Martha keeps hurrying around with housekeeping details. Finally she goes to bug Jesus about that Mary not helping her. Jesus turns to her and says “Mary as chosen the good portion”…
As I browsed further, the headings of cleanliness took me mostly to verses about being clean and pure spiritually. How freeing! Yes I believe God is a God of order and He asks us to be wise stewards of what He shares with us. Hospitality is however commanded various times in scripture such as 1 Peter 4:9 where it says, “Show hospitality one to another with out grumbling” How simple is that? I freely admit that I am the worst at grumbling about getting ready for guests. I grumble at my children in the process and get down right irritable at hubby if his ambition doesn’t match my own and honestly sometimes that is why spontaneous guests is sometimes actually better. How can I as a busy mother chose the “good portion” over the ever enslaving housework which by the way will always be here? I really wonder sometimes if our busyness in this era of gadgets that are supposed to simplify our lives is one of the reasons we see so much loneliness and depression in the world around us and even in the church? How about we change our thought process around about what’s important and invite each other over even if we just serve popcorn and juice and step on cookie crumbs that have been left in strategic piles under the table? (Or not serve any food as most of us are trying to lose weight anyhow) God was truly genius in creating communities of people which He put together to form meaningful and challenging relationships and I am sure He is mortified that we are to consumed with cleanliness to take advantage of this beautiful gift.
**DISCLAIMER: just in case you’re wondering, my spontaneous-do-it-quickly nature is the reason there are white lines on this page…I.can.not.make.them.go.away but I am hitting publish anyway 😉
I am happily married (most of the time). There are those days when I wonder what in the world I was thinking marrying this thru and thru Iowan who lived in the same house, attended the same church, shopped in the same town and had the same friends his whole entire life. My life on the other hand was lived on a much, shall we say, broader scope. LOL! I can’t count on 2 hands how many houses I have lived in but with my personality that was just fine–I mean who wouldn’t love the adventure of having a new room and more new friends every few years?
If you would have told me 20 years ago how much work went into the institution of marriage I would have looked at you with my star gazer glasses on and said “O but when you find your soul mate..” and “who ever fights? about money of all things?” Yeah I was young and thought I knew all about it…
I really can’t imagine life with out my soul mate who IS the man of my dreams. I can’t tell you how long I prayed he would ask me out and then FINALLY he did! After a whirlwind courtship we set off together with a whole truckload of ideals and a teeny tiny amount of “know how”. We spent time in a third world country, faced infertility, experienced humiliating loss, endured a painful ugly period of separation and somewhere along the way gave birth to 4 precious miracles who have changed our selfish lifestyles profoundly. We are far from perfect (I often get in trouble for somehow portraying that?) but we have a history and by the grace of God will continue weaving our own legacy for our our children. There are still lots of things I wish I could change about him but hey it’s a 2 way street and I know I am not perfect! We are total opposites and both of us are firstborns (scary really!) but hey our life is never dull that’s for sure! And while our romance may not be scripted like the movies (yeah we always end up at Walmart and/or Hyvee on our rare date nights) it’s perfect for me and a special blessing and gift from the Creator of love and marriage Himself!
The reality of the work that goes into every great marriage is enough to scare the most lovely, very brave souls away from taking the plunge and sadly is being played out in the decline of marriage even in the church today. A beautiful young friend recently made the comment to me that she doesn’t desire to burden herself with marriage as every marriage she sees around her is failing and miserable. How sad and how often true? Marriage IS hard and we as the church are not making it any easier. What would happen if instead of gossiping about every detail of something suddenly made public like a divorce or separation, we took those moments and lifted the couple in the spot light to God’s throne? What if we tried to imagine life in their shoes and it scared us enough to keep our mouths shut and our knees worn? As I ramble away here my heart is heavy for those around me who are in the depths of distress and despair in their marriages. Being honest about pain is hard and opens us up to other people and their reactions and judgements of our circumstances. What would happen if we put aside judgement and were more open with each other and could step along side each other saying “we struggle too”?
Because our personal history includes marriage issues that became public I feel the pain of others in sad marriages in deeper ways then I ever imagined. God has a way of making good things, learning and wisdom come out of our deepest pain. I do believe he is calling those of us who are married to mirror his love to each other through our marriages thus affecting the negative viewpoints of marriage in general and establishing a more caring environment in our church families and our world around us where those who are hurting can be honest with out receiving judgement! After all marriage is a gift to be nurtured, treasured and enjoyed to the fullest!
My Love & I