Author: admin

Letting Go

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It feels sooo good to write again!

So much has happened since I was last here. I was blessed with the gift of nearly full time employment which in combination with building our home, homeschooling my son and just being wife and mom, has put a crimp on my personal leisure time. But some thoughts have been rolling around in my brain that I need to vocalize, so here I am.

I’ve been big on the phrase “hold it lightly”. It seems there’s very little in life we can truly control though if you’re like me you’d really like to think otherwise.

A few months before Abby died I went through a process of surrendering her to whatever God had. The process was grueling and intense and yet brought peace. Little did I know the unfathomable pain I would walk through a few short months later. I remember holding her cold, lifeless body screaming out to God for his help and mercy. Even as the flight medics worked on her, I had a quiet peace and a complete understanding that she was indeed with Jesus already and that medicine though so advanced was not to be her path. Realizing that over the nightmare of the next 21 hours was surreal.

I’ve really struggled since, understanding surrendering to God’s will. Fear has had it’s ugly grip on my heart causing me to shrink away into my reclusive corner whenever I’m faced with the reality of the frailty of life. I’ve wondered if vocalizing what scares me is an invitation of sorts for the inevitable to plague me. Like yesterday. My husband made a comment about his health. Instantly my heart went into panic mode. I couldn’t possibly go on without him. The house isn’t finished yet. The kids are still reeling from the traumatic death of their sibling. I want to grow old with him….. So many of the same thoughts that had crossed my mind in my process of surrendering Abby made their way to the forefront of the battle in my head. I couldn’t breathe.

Then, though not audibly, I heard God whisper, “Dorothy do you trust me with Lowell? He’s not really yours anyhow. He’s mine…”

Surrendering those we love or anything dear to us for that matter, is not an easy feat. Realizing however that everything and everyone we hold dear really does belong to God makes the exhausting process a teeny bit easier.

Intentional Trust – “exchanging fear for faith”

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2020 has been tough on a lot of people.   

“Our new normal” includes daily conversations about things we never used to discuss. Fear seems to be a factor in most discussions. Each of us has a very distinct opinion, often completely opposite of those we love.   Distrust of everyone we meet has sprung paranoia on us like the springing of a steel trap.  Each week brings new reports of how bad things are.  The mandated ways we are to live in this new normal change almost daily. The so called experts can’t even seem to agree. Our addiction to news via social media and watching the news have fueled anxiety and fear, ruined relationships and caused suicide and depression rates to skyrocket. 

As I have watched the effects of these changes on my family and friends, my mind has been drawn to the truth of scripture.  While it may sound cliche, it has been the soft landing place my weary heart has been craving. 

I still check into my social media accounts off and on but have found my spirit is quieter when I lessen my time spent there.  Big surprise to me – I found I can actually survive without facebook, instagram and snapchat on my phone, instead limiting myself to checking when on my laptop.

Just prior to Covid’s infamous start, I had spent yet another weekend in the hospital . My sweet friend Mary came to pray with me and shared some of her handwritten scripture cards with me.  I was so blessed by the very practical truths she shared with me straight from the pages of the Bible that I began to ask God to awaken my hunger for his word.  

He has done just that. 

As worry has increased and uncertainty about how tomorrow, the next week, month or year may end up, I have found myself turning repeatedly to God for his comfort and truth. It has taken me being intentional about getting into his word, that has brought the rewards of peace and calm in a time of overwhelming stress and anxiety.

I am going to share just a few precious promises that have become dear to my soul and hope you will share some back!

Matthew 11:28 – Come unto me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.

Psalm 92:12 – The righteous shall flourish like a palm tree:  he shall grow like a cedar in Lebanon.

Psalm 4:8 – I will both lay me down in peace and sleep; For you alone, O Lord, make me to dwell in safety.

Psalm 56:3 – What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee.

Psalm 29:11 – The Lord will give strength to his people; the Lord will bless his people with peace. 

I obviously love the Psalms!  David, the author, shows over and over how human he was and how God was his only hope despite numerous too big for man situations. 

What are your go-to scriptures for combatting worry and fear?  Share them in the comments or send me a message.  Let’s be intentional about encouraging one another in these dark times!

An ode to my love…

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Time keeps going, this we know from that place we stood so long ago.

We thought we knew what love was about. So young we were but our love was stout.

After the wedding, living began. We moved across the ocean then back again.

We didn’t know what each day would bring, but God has been faithful through everything.

Adventures we’ve had. Placed we’ve gone. We buried a child and yet life went on.

It wasn’t all roses, this is no lie. But Jesus changed all, his light’s in your eyes.

Life keeps moving at too fast a pace. The last few years have brought fresh new space.

If there’s one thing unchanging and true, if I could go back I’d still choose you!

Haiti – 1999

2014 – Soon after Jesus changed our lives


2019 – Our favorite place, the ocean

Goodness & Mercy

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Psalm 23:6   Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life…

As I sit reflecting on the last few years, my mind is drawn to the fact of it being the first week of May once again and my heart overflows with gratitude to God for his faithfulness. 

If you’ve known me for any length of time, you may remember hearing me continually prattle on about my barrage of health issues, surgeries, hospitalizations and long periods at home which is a trial in and of itself for this social bird.  

While I will probably always question grief’s affect on my body, I also acknowledge how amazingly God created us.  Sometimes we will not have answers to life’s tough questions (health issues, death, grief, loss…) on this side of eternity. 

As I entered 2017, I could not have imagined the journey of the next months and years. This exact time of May in 2018 found me hospitalized with mysterious symptoms that ended up being staph infection and an antibiotic resistant sinus infection that had gone septic. I remember slipping into a nearly unconscious state as my temperature skyrocketed.  All I wanted was cool for my burning head, but also warmth for the rest of me which was trembling with cold.  My words no longer came out even though my mind was actively trying to make them.   

I remember my friend Connie standing vigil at my bed, covering me with prayers.  

Those prayers, followed by her reassuring touch on my hand jolted me back to reality. My doctor, who did not make rounds at the hospital any longer, was there, out of breath from having dashed over from his office across town.  He has told me multiple times since how he thought I was gone.  It’s kinda scary to think about when you hear it that way. But, that’s God and his faithfulness protecting my very life for some reason.

My daughters brought a hairband and lipgloss to the hospital
Got to go home if i agreed to IV antibiotics!
Ended up on major meds, steroids and anitbiotics for over a year! So thankful for healing!

I’ve not always been sure about his plan, as my health has continued to be temperamental.  But as I’ve continued to cling to faith I have truly experienced his goodness and mercy time and time again. 

Fast forward to 2019 which once again found my still recovering self in undesirable health related circumstances.  Biopsies with unknown results, strange tumors, and the inability to continue the work I love, did not deter God from being faithful.  

I still stand in awe at how he used a new radiology tech to lead to the discovery of the tumor on my thyroid which had actually begun to, unbeknownst to me, affect my swallowing. I am thankful for his goodness in allowing the end results to be good.

In the current quarantine of 2020, He continues to show his goodness.  While my nature would normally tend towards fear, He has stayed close reassuring me with his presence and meeting all of our needs in sometimes unexpected ways.  It seems fear dominates daily life, especially on social media.  I ran a small experiment on myself recently and found my anxiety and depression levels much lower the days I stayed off of social media and abstained from watching the news.  

It’s not rocket science people! 

I love Ann’s reminders and clung to this when I wasn’t sure how life was going to end up!

God has gifted us with his word which admonishes us many times to not be afraid. 

And while each of us copes differently, I am thankful for encouragement from friends who help me focus on God’s daily goodness and mercy.  My hope and prayer is that I can portray his goodness and care to those around me! 

Psalm 23 

1 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

Ice Cream & Flat Tires – A Quarantine Field Trip

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Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:34

We recently acquired an old dilapidated 1978 semi trailer we want to use for storage for an upcoming family project.  This past Saturday was designated as pickup day. The day dawned bright and clear, a happy upgrade from the dreary skies and snow of the week prior. I offered Hunter the chance to ride with Lowell in the semi on the trek to Sumner, a town about 100 miles away. He declined, which was how I had secretly hoped his response to be. I joined Lowell in the small bouncy passenger seat of the semi he borrowed from work, both excited and nervous at what the day would bring. 

Upon arrival at our destination, the true condition of our purchase met our eyes. Several hours and much frustration later plus me learning more about tires than I cared to, we ever so slowly crept out the dusty farm drive with our slightly precarious newest belonging in tow.  Had it been my choice, we would have gone home and returned the next weekend with a truck load of tools and supplies to make our purchase road safe. I happen, however, to be married to Mr. Fixit himself and his choice was to take the scenic route home and hope for the best. I located a tire shop that had just closed 15 minutes prior who agreed to sell us a used tire just in case.  

So off we started.  

My job was to keep an eye on my side of the trailer via the rear view mirror.  As I observed from my bouncy post, I envisioned pieces of black rubber exploding onto the country roadside and the flashes of the DOT officer vehicles coming to apprehend us for being unsafe citizens. 

Despite my apprehension, the trip continued splendidly.  Farmers out in their fields, families out on walks and new blooms on the trees along with the greenest grass I have seen this season filled our view.  Because our speed couldn’t get too high, we noticed many things we’d otherwise have been speeding along too fast to see. 

We found the most delightful ice cream shop, a cute little mom and pop place called Tootsies.  The smell of grilled burgers wafted out the windows as we placed our order off a menu the size of Texas.  As we waited on burgers, Lowell found another little mom and pop hardware where he procured some more tools for our small stash.  

I don’t think I have ever been so relieved to see our driveway.  Both of us sighed in relief at having made the trek safely with our arrival time being only about 5 hours later than we had expected. 

Later as I pondered the day, I was suddenly overcome with emotion at the fun day I had had with just my hubby.  It was both spontaneously fun and nerve wracking, anxiety producing and entertaining.  

Life has been kind of like that lately. 

I have fluctuated back and forth from enjoying the uninterrupted time with my family to wishing they could leave me in quiet for just an hour. I have loved not having to get up and ready for work but still spend portions of each day freaking out at the lack of income. 

Quarantine has been a gift.  

Perspective seems to be the only thing we can currently control. 

I’m exceedingly grateful for God’s gifts, like rides home on the scenic route.  He has ways to calm our worry and remind us of the beauty in the world around us!

He is good.

Is my arm to short?

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Like many of yours I am sure, my last few weeks have been among the oddest in my life.  The Covid 19 quarantine has put a giant kibosh on life as we knew it. 

I welcomed the uninterrupted days with open arms.  No place to be. No schedule to mind except the normal meals, cleaning and making sure the laundry is done before dad gets home. 

As the time has continued however, I have gotten anxious, antsy, restless. Since all of my employment is on hold, my mind has been in overdrive, filling in the blanks with the most horrible possibilities. 

I started the year with the goal of reading all the way through the Bible again and a few weeks back came through Numbers.  

One verse jumped out at me and keeps coming back to mind often since.  

Numbers 11:23  “The Lord answered Moses, Is the Lord’s arm too short?” ……

 I’ve gone back several times and read through the story again. The children of Israel had just come through some pretty amazing stuff. Not only had God parted the water for them to walk through and escape from their enemy, the mighty Egyptians, He had also decided to show them he was with them in visible ways by putting a cloud down over the tabernacle to guide them.  At night it looked like fire. How’s that?? He also rained down their breakfast, lunch and dinner straight from heaven. 

Somehow though the people got grumpy at their diet, their surroundings and life in general and decided it’d be better to grumble and beg for what they didn’t have.  Verse 1 says they complained about their hardships in the hearing of the Lord. He got pretty unhappy and sent fire down to devour the loudest grumbler. 

Do you think they learned their lesson?  

Nope!

The grumps and dissatisfaction continue.  

We want meat, they cried.  “If only we were back in Egypt”…Give me a break people!  I mean really??!!

Moses invites God into discussion.  God informs him of his plans to give the people more meat then they can fathom, so much so in fact, they will vomit at the very thought of eating more. 

At this point, Moses responds probably similarly to how I’d think.  

But Moses said, “Here I am among six hundred thousand men on foot, and you say, ‘I will give them meat to eat for a whole month!’  Would they have enough if flocks and herds were slaughtered for them? Would they have enough if all the fish in the sea were caught for them?”

It is here God responds with the verse that keeps coming to my mind.

“Is my arm too short?”

And with that he literally rains down meat in the form of quail falling from the sky. 

We all know the answer.  We can all agree that God will take care of us. 

But do we flesh that out by how we live? 

We all have needs.  

Financial hardship. 

Emotional baggage. 

Loneliness. 

The list could go on.

When times of adversity and trial come, is our faith strong enough to keep believing in the God who continually cares for each of us daily just as he did for the grumpy Children of Israel? 

Or do we slap him in the face by doubting he can take care of us? 

Take courage today!  God is not in quarantine and will continue to care faithfully for you!

7 ways to help a grieving parent

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 Recently someone asked me if I had any advice on walking with a friend who had lost a child. While I do not profess to be an expert, I can share some things that have been helpful to us in our journey. 

**Please bear in mind these are my list.  Everyone else’s list will be unique to them. 

#7. Allow them to grieve on their own timetable. 

Sometimes we think grief follows certain steps and is then done.  Not true. Never hurry someone along in the journey.

#6. Show up with practical gifts.

 In the early weeks and months, comfort food is vital.  Take a freezer meal. Give a gift card to their favorite restaurant.  Offer to eat with them but give them the right to refuse. Offering to help with errands or to do lists is also a big one. My sweet friend Laura contacted my clients for me and brought deo and a change of clothes to the hospital.  Other friends cleaned the house and weeded the garden. 

#5. Remember this is not about you at all. 

While their loss may deeply affect you, it is theirs. Your need for things to be done a certain way for your own healing or closure does not trump their needs. EVER.  

#4. If they have other children,  love on them.

Often remaining children, in addition to being extremely traumatized may feel guilty at still being alive. Seeing them for who God created them to be and ministering to them in that way can be so life giving in the darkest time.  Take age appropriate gifts. Offer a day trip to the zoo or museum or offer to pay for the family to go. A sweet friend actually paid for our family to go on a “griefcation”, which was super meaningful to our whole family!

#3.  Don’t be afraid to be with them. 

Often people tend to shy away from people who are grieving out of the fear they will do or say the wrong things. Be sensitive to what they may be feeling and if you feel like you may have done or said something inappropriate, apologize and go on. But PLEASE keep showing up. 

#2.  Understand that your friend will never be the same. 

Loss of any kind, but especially the unnatural loss of a child, alters the course of life forever.  Comments like “I’m so glad to see the old you” can cause a load of unnecessary pain. 

#1.  Remember their person – especially birthdays and angel-versaries. 

While this may not be of the same importance to everyone who has lost, most people I’ve spoken to, appreciate others remembering. It may mean you put it as a repeat date in your google calendar.

Remembering is such a gift…

I’d love to hear from you!  What has been most helpful in the journey called grief?

Wrestling Alone

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“So Jacob was left alone and a man wrestled with him till daybreak.  Genesis 32:24 NIV”

We all know what it’s like to be alone. 

A spouse leaves.  A child dies. Friendships separate. A move happens. Pain sets in.  Grief, for what is lost, permeates the deepest crevices of our souls. 

We wonder if God has left too. 

When our 3 year old daughter died suddenly, my faith was shaken to the core.  Having been a Christian my whole life, I was shocked by the questions of unbelief and doubt that flitted through my mind.

One hot summer day, I sat weeping by her grave.  I looked up at the clear blue sky and asked God, if he existed, to show me that he and Heaven were real. In that grief stricken moment of feeling so lost and alone, I longed for simple reassurance that I would indeed see my daughter again, because at that instant, I really didn’t know. 

Through tears, my eyes focused on a wilted rose left from the delicate pink casket spray.  Someone had stuck its long stem into the dirt right where I sat. I began tugging gently on the ugly, dead stem.  Up, up it came. As the last part of brown cleared the clods of dirt, a tiny, fresh green leaf unfurled its beauty.  With heaving sobs, I realized the significance of God’s answer to me at that very second. He calmed my weary soul, sending his message through a single dead flower that wasn’t so dead after all.  

Jacob knew about being alone. 

He’d met God while on the run from Esau. He had zero family near, was unsure of his future, and had no place to sleep except a pile of stones he used as a pillow.  

Soon after, his life changed.  God’s blessing and abundance became evident.  Returning to his homeland meant facing fears of how Esau would respond. The night before the big reunion, Jacob heard Esau was headed his way with a band of 400 men.  He sent presents for Esau, his 4 wives, and his passel of youngins ahead, then stayed alone at the spot where, unbeknownst to him, he would meet God once more. All night he wrestled with what the Bible refers to as “a man”.  At daybreak, Jacob begged the man to bless him before he left. 

God did.  

Jacob named the place Peniel, saying “it is because I saw God face to face and yet my life was spared”. 

Through our ongoing grief, I have found odd comfort in wrestling with God.  After all, He created me, mind and intellect. He knows my questions before I ask them.  His shoulders are big enough to carry the weight of my inquiries. Sometimes He answers in colossal, magnificent ways. Other times he gently brings me face to face with seemingly insignificant, dead flowers.

You asked for it – Installment #4 “Nana’s Biscuits”

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**this post originated a few years back for my baby sis who lives 1000 miles away making it impossible for us to bake together as much as we’d like…

A favorite in our household is biscuits and gravy.  I am not the queen of either by any means but recipes are made for tweaking and perfecting and trying again.
I have been working for some time on simple biscuits, like my mama makes.

Now getting a recipe from her is kind of difficult.  She puts a pinch of this and a little of that along with a whole lot of love into a bowl and out come 100% pure yummyness.

I think she may have once upon a time kind of followed a recipe from my her childhood friend, Sylvia so part of this credit probably actually belongs to her.

There are those childhood favorites that we just must capture and pass along to the next generation….this is definitely one of them!

  • 1 c. flour (she always used King Arthur)
  • 1/2 t. salt
  • 2 t. sugar (organic evaporated cane is what I use)
  • 2 t. baking powder
  • 3 T. butter
  • 1/2 c. milk
First essential: Start with your favorite bowl.
Mine is an old antique find I got at a yard sale for $.50
Mix all dry ingredients with a fork
Cut butter into dry mix
With your hands or a pastry cutter make crumbs with the butter and flour mix
Gently add milk and mix with fork
You will have a moist, slightly sticky dough
Pat out into a small circle.  Mama always drops her dough onto the baking sheets
so that works too.  But we prefer the rolled dough.
A juice glass works perfectly to make just right circles.
Place onto baking sheet and bake at 425 for about 10 minutes.
Make sure to not overbake.
We love to eat them in many different ways, including hot with
real butter!
We are also fans of topping them with jelly, honey, cheese or real maple syrup.
No matter how, they are always delightful to the last bite!
What is your favorite sentimental recipe?

Enough

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I’ve been there a bunch lately.

In that place I call “the corner”.
It’s that uncomfortable state of being.  Many of us find ourselves at there, some more then others. 

If we’re honest.

I beat my self up there.

“Crazy” happens there and the “yucky ugly” comparison of me versus others who are perceived to have reached those gargantuan places full of perfection I can never hope to attain to.

There’s also the “what ifs” section of the corner.  It’s the place where every idiosyncrasy of my spontaneous nature is dissected and abhorred.

What if I’d been more rigid in my education style?  Maybe my kid would read better?

What if I’d been more watchful? Maybe I’d still be mom to 4 living children instead of 3 and 1 angel.

Lots of my friends have been there too recently, in the corner.

They stress and fret and stew and live really hard and sometimes very yucky day to day existences.

They wonder, as do I, about who they are.  Really are.

They wonder if they are worthy.

They wonder if they are loved.

They wonder if they are enough.

And they wonder if they can make it though one more day of pain.

I once read a home school mama’s book called “Teaching from Rest”.
Now let me tell you, I don’t get much reading time.  I enjoy reading but my current pace eliminates time for meaningful reading. But this book was short and I devoured it.  Every single line. It was what I needed at that moment.
It gave me the much needed reminder that rest is ok…and really actually needed…and that the crazy we subject ourselves to with the lists of activities and responsibilities (not to mention the beating ourselves up time)  we immerse ourselves in, while though they may be good are not always for our best.
It did not grant me a license to be lazy, mind you, but to re evaluate my priorities with the Best Yes philosophy that has turned my life upside down. (Go read Lysa Terkhurst’s the Best Yes if you haven’t yet…)
This also motivated me to re investigate the truths of the Bible and how they apply to my day to day.

Here’s my most recent list (since I’m all about lists…)

*We are LOVED. 
Ephesians 2:4 – 7 says “But God being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which He loves us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ…

*We are VALUED.
Matthew 10:31 says Fear not, therefore; You are of more value then many sparrows.

*We are PRECIOUS.
Isaiah 43:4 says Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life.

*We can make it through the tough.
Isaiah 41:10 reassures us of this..”Fear not, for I am with you; Be no dismayed for I am thy God.  I will strengthen you, I will help you…

* We are ENOUGH.
2 Peter 1:3 says “His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness..”
and then there’s this one…Ephesians 2:10 – For YOU are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works…”

How’s that for value?

If you like me and many others I love, struggle with who you are, let me shout to you from my corner that YOU ARE ENOUGH!

Fat, thin, short, tall, smart, not so smart, introvert, extrovert….You are loved by your creator.  YOU ARE ENOUGH!

So much has happened recently that has reinforced these truths.
I’m finding that so many of my beliefs center around my wrong thought processes and me not valuing who God created me to be.

Not that I need to take pride in wrong ways, but God talks much of our value in his word so there has to be truth to that somewhere right?!

I ran into someone, who in my mind is somewhat of a celebrity.  She bounces around in memories of my childhood.  She has also reached pinnacles of success I feel are never going to be my destiny.  (how’s that for the yucky comparison monster?) My first reaction at meeting her again had me shaking in my boots.  “She’ll never remember me…country mouse I be…” But as fate would have it, God reminded me of my value. I considered running the other direction or acting like I was busy when she entered the room.  But there she came, straight into “my corner”..and she remembered ME!  and had the same recollection of memories.  I’d have missed a great conversation if I’d stayed stuck in my corner, worrying and devaluing God’s handiwork.
Now, I’m not saying that her remembering me gives me value, but for me it is a reminder of who I am…I AM ENOUGH!

Casting Crowns has a song I love called Voice of Truth.  Take a minute to listen. Let the truth wash over you.

And if you are facing a “climbing out of boat onto the crashing waves” time in your space called life, take hope and remember…YOU ARE ENOUGH!



He is enough!